Hey, guys, Wensleydale here! I have always been wanting to write this fic and seeing as I never had the opportunities to do so, I decided to take a break in CTBW! I know you wanted to see how it ended, especially since I've been sloppy with my updates recently, but trust me, this thing is going to blow your minds! Plus, you'll have a quick look at what to expect from SPA later on!
Let's get right into it!
[The school corridor. We see Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny by the lockers. Fiona approaches them from the left. Her gorgeous, glistening ruby hair is following her closely like a glorious cascade of… carrots]
FIONA: [with a forced RP English accent] Hi! My name is Fiona Adaira Cullodena Moibeal Robena McTeagle Wee! I'm a vampire!
[Stan and Kyle glance at each other, then smile back to Fiona]
KYLE: We are instantly in love with you!
KENNY: (Uh-huh!)
STAN: You are beautiful, unlike that prep bitch Wendy! She's a poser! Meanwhile, the goth kids are such deep characters, nobody can understand their pain.
[We see Wendy crying in the corner]
KYLE: We will gladly participate in an orgy with you at Stark's Pond, I just need a minute to make out with Cartman!
[Kyle proceeds to make out with Cartman]
FIONA: [to Kenny] He's bi? That's so hawt!
CARTMAN: [interrupting their kiss, holding the Jewish boy close to him] Fuck you, Kahl, I will destroy you someday!
KYLE: [to everyone else] He just means he loves me, I can change him.
[They both start taking off their clothes and engage in violent petting. Suddenly, Principal Victoria arrives]
VICTORIA: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!
CARTMAN: We're having hot-as-shit nine-year-old buttsex, what does it look like we're doing?
VICTORIA: [blinks] Oh. Well, just let not this podsnappery happen again!
[Victoria walks away. Fiona leans over to Stan]
FIONA: [whispering] Why is she speaking Victorian English?
STAN: I don't know. Seems kind appropriate, though.
[Butters approaches them rapidly in his Marjorine outfit]
BUTTERS: Hey, fellas! Fellas! Have you ever, uh, spontaneously become a girl? Because I have! And now I will lose all my dorky traits because I'm so cute!
KENNY: [takes his hood off] That's an incredible coincidence, Butters, because it turns out I'm gay and I want to make love to you!
BUTTERS: ...But, uh, Kenny, I'm a girl now, wouldn't that bother you?
KENNY: That's not what gay people do? Well, it doesn't mind as long as we make out! At least with you being a girl, we can have babies!
FIONA and STAN: [shriek excitedly] Eeek! Baaaaabies~!
CARTMAN: Oh, mah Gaaahd, you guys, this is 2000-late! Now guys can have babies, too! Just look at Jimmy!
[Jimmy waves, his prominent belly waves at them, too]
KYLE: Don't be dumb, fatass, everyone knows Jimmy's not slashable! He's too ugly-disabled! Why can't he be a pretty, wheelchair-bound boy? Shame on you, Jim!
JIMMY: ...I am t-too ugly to have the r-right to answer you.
STAN: Besides, we don't have time for him! We need to make room for other, more prominent South Park characters like Gregory and Cristophe!
GREGORY and ZE MOLE: [from further away] Cameo time!
CARTMAN: Well, you're a fucking Jew, Kahl!
KYLE: Oh, shut up, fatass!
FIONA: Friends, friends! I think I know how I can solve all your quarrel! I just need to make a heoric sacrifice! See, I am too pure for this world!
CRAIG: [approaches her and twists her neck] Agreed. [Lights a cigarette] I'm a baaad boy.
[Everyone stares at the dead Fiona]
STAN: ...So, anyone else wants pizza?
So, do you like the new direction South Park Aargh is heading? Let me know in your awesome reviews!
Cheers,
WDC
PS: Happy birthday, Usopp!