The Greatest Defeat
By C. Charlotte
Mulder6758@aol.com
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and all other regularly
appearing chacters belong to Chris Carter, 1013
Productions and FOX. I'm just borrowing them to weave
my tangled web.
Distribution: Anywhere, everywhere and Gossamer. Just
keep my name and email address attached and drop me
a line so I know where it's at.
Feedback: Happily accepted at Mulder6758@aol.com
Rating: PG-PG13
Keywords: mythology, Mulder angst
Spoilers: Ascension/One Breath
Summary: Grieving is easier said than done. Fill in the
blanks for numerous scenes between Ascension and One
Breath.
I can see her in my mind's eye. In my dreams. I can even
*imagine* seeing her if something is strong enough to set
off the sequences of images I can only pray are not real,
but a product of my imagination.
In some of the more terrifying experiences it's almost as
though she is looking back at me, damning me for not
saving her when I had the chance.
'I blame you.' her cornflower eyes beseech in my
direction. The tears that gather in the back of my throat
are her answer. The admission of my guilt.
If only she was here to accept that guilty plee, I would tell
myself. But she's not. Instead she's somewhere in the
heavens, undergoing things that I can only fabricate in the
few inches of my skull.
And now that she is here, I wonder if perhaps she was
better off floating in outer space. At least there she wasn't
hooked up to so many machines that her features are
barely visible beneath the tangle of tubes.
But as quickly as those thoughts come, I vanish them. I
have no right wishing that her abduction had continued. I
have no right being here in the first place.
I couldn't save her. I *didn't* save her from something that
no one deserves to go through. My partner of all people
and I couldn't even protect her from the one thing I am
supposed to be so versed in.
It's a pathetic thought.
Roughly, I brush a hand over my face, the layer of stubble
crinkling underneath my fingertips. Much like the
foundation of everything I've ever trusted is doing so...
Who cares if the X-Files have been reopened? They
serve no point if one half of my soul is missing. At the
thought I finger the cross at my throat.
It is her cross, her belief system. But through it I somehow
gather strength. Over the three months she was gone, the
cross was all that remained of my connection to her.
It was something I protected jealously with my life.
Something I still do protect jealously.
"Scully..." I whisper to her still form. "...you need to come
back so I can give this to you."
As the tears begin to build again, the cross catches the
glimmer of light that manages to break its way through the
blinds and darkness of the hospital room.
A sign perhaps. Something I should take to heart. If I can
build a strong wall for her, maybe she'll be able to make
her way back to me.
Back to me. I'm one selfish son of a bitch. If she ever
does come back the first thing she should do is leave the
X-Files. Forget they ever existed. Forget I ever existed...
Easier said than done, I suppose. I can't make her leave.
She has too much inner strength to let anyone push her
around or make her decisions for her.
And even if she ever did leave, I very much doubt she'd
be able to forget her recent experiences. And those
recent experiences would more than likely connect her
back to the X-Files.
And inevitably to the man who led her right to the danger.
As much as I'd like to blame it on unseen forces of power,
I cannot. I knew the risks and never told her.
So I'm just as guilty as that black lunged son of a bitch is.
Perhaps more so because I lured her into friendship. At
least he had the decency to mark himself as an enemy...
More than I have ever been able to do for her.
Even when her sister came to me, I couldn't find it within
myself to forget my selfish goals of catching the people
behind this conspiracy.
Yes, I told myself, and still tell myself, I want to catch them
so I can make them pay for what they have done to
Scully. But really deep down I think I want to catch them
for my own sense of completion of a duty.
Melissa came to me expecting for me to want to see
Dana. To try to coax her back to life. To try to coax back
to life of the still form lying in front of me.
I'm not trying, am I Dana? I never have done enough to
help you.
I guess it's fitting that in the greatest battle of all, I'm
suffering my greatest defeat.
E N D
By C. Charlotte
Mulder6758@aol.com
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and all other regularly
appearing chacters belong to Chris Carter, 1013
Productions and FOX. I'm just borrowing them to weave
my tangled web.
Distribution: Anywhere, everywhere and Gossamer. Just
keep my name and email address attached and drop me
a line so I know where it's at.
Feedback: Happily accepted at Mulder6758@aol.com
Rating: PG-PG13
Keywords: mythology, Mulder angst
Spoilers: Ascension/One Breath
Summary: Grieving is easier said than done. Fill in the
blanks for numerous scenes between Ascension and One
Breath.
I can see her in my mind's eye. In my dreams. I can even
*imagine* seeing her if something is strong enough to set
off the sequences of images I can only pray are not real,
but a product of my imagination.
In some of the more terrifying experiences it's almost as
though she is looking back at me, damning me for not
saving her when I had the chance.
'I blame you.' her cornflower eyes beseech in my
direction. The tears that gather in the back of my throat
are her answer. The admission of my guilt.
If only she was here to accept that guilty plee, I would tell
myself. But she's not. Instead she's somewhere in the
heavens, undergoing things that I can only fabricate in the
few inches of my skull.
And now that she is here, I wonder if perhaps she was
better off floating in outer space. At least there she wasn't
hooked up to so many machines that her features are
barely visible beneath the tangle of tubes.
But as quickly as those thoughts come, I vanish them. I
have no right wishing that her abduction had continued. I
have no right being here in the first place.
I couldn't save her. I *didn't* save her from something that
no one deserves to go through. My partner of all people
and I couldn't even protect her from the one thing I am
supposed to be so versed in.
It's a pathetic thought.
Roughly, I brush a hand over my face, the layer of stubble
crinkling underneath my fingertips. Much like the
foundation of everything I've ever trusted is doing so...
Who cares if the X-Files have been reopened? They
serve no point if one half of my soul is missing. At the
thought I finger the cross at my throat.
It is her cross, her belief system. But through it I somehow
gather strength. Over the three months she was gone, the
cross was all that remained of my connection to her.
It was something I protected jealously with my life.
Something I still do protect jealously.
"Scully..." I whisper to her still form. "...you need to come
back so I can give this to you."
As the tears begin to build again, the cross catches the
glimmer of light that manages to break its way through the
blinds and darkness of the hospital room.
A sign perhaps. Something I should take to heart. If I can
build a strong wall for her, maybe she'll be able to make
her way back to me.
Back to me. I'm one selfish son of a bitch. If she ever
does come back the first thing she should do is leave the
X-Files. Forget they ever existed. Forget I ever existed...
Easier said than done, I suppose. I can't make her leave.
She has too much inner strength to let anyone push her
around or make her decisions for her.
And even if she ever did leave, I very much doubt she'd
be able to forget her recent experiences. And those
recent experiences would more than likely connect her
back to the X-Files.
And inevitably to the man who led her right to the danger.
As much as I'd like to blame it on unseen forces of power,
I cannot. I knew the risks and never told her.
So I'm just as guilty as that black lunged son of a bitch is.
Perhaps more so because I lured her into friendship. At
least he had the decency to mark himself as an enemy...
More than I have ever been able to do for her.
Even when her sister came to me, I couldn't find it within
myself to forget my selfish goals of catching the people
behind this conspiracy.
Yes, I told myself, and still tell myself, I want to catch them
so I can make them pay for what they have done to
Scully. But really deep down I think I want to catch them
for my own sense of completion of a duty.
Melissa came to me expecting for me to want to see
Dana. To try to coax her back to life. To try to coax back
to life of the still form lying in front of me.
I'm not trying, am I Dana? I never have done enough to
help you.
I guess it's fitting that in the greatest battle of all, I'm
suffering my greatest defeat.
E N D