"The Legendar Sucker"

Summary: Tsunade and Jiraiya may be "legendary," but Sakura and Naruto know all too well that, some days, they're just a gambler and a pervert who both drink too much. Isn't it about time they taught their teachers a lesson?

Chapter 1: Jiraiya and Naruto

Naruto liked to think he was pretty sneaky. He liked to dash up behind Jiraiya, get as close as he could without running the risk of giving away his position, and then shout his name at the top of his lungs. Naruto had it in his head that Jiraiya, after getting over the initial shock of his well-executed ambush, would be extremely impressed by his student's unique power to just appear. Naruto ducked agilely through the crowded street, closer to his mentor's unguarded back with every silent step. Almost there...almost...

"HEY, PERVY mph–!"

Jiraiya only meant to clap his hand over Naruto's annoying little mouth, but, due to the size difference between sensei and student, he ended up palming the kid's face instead. Naruto may have liked to think he was sneaky, but Jiraiya hadn't been caught off guard yet. It came to this every time – Jiraiya, narrowly avoiding yet another announcement to the general public that a twelve year old boy had affectionately named him "Pervy Sage," and Naruto, waving his arms wildly, trying to tell a rather disinterested Jiraiya that he needed air.

"Kid, look. Even if I didn't have over forty years of training under my belt, even if I wasn't one of the Legendary Sannin, even if I wasn't the fabulous Toad-sage of Mount Maiyuboku, and, hell, even if you weren't the noisiest little squirt to ever graduate academy, I still would've smelled you coming. Naruto, when was the last time you washed your little ski-suit?"

Naruto's reply, muffled by Jiraiya's expansive palm, could either have been, "Last Saturday at the laundromat!" or, "I'm gonna die if you don't move your hand!" It was a toss-up.

After a few seconds (which seemed much longer to Naruto, who was suffocating), he pried himself away from his sensei's grip and dramatically gulped in air, looking unreasonably abused. "Where the heck have you been, Pervy Sage? You've gotta train me! I've been looking for you all week. I thought I was supposed to be your disciple."

"Train you?" Jiraiya laughed. "Hell, no. I haven't seen you in a week – I was just starting to enjoy life again," he sighed, leaning casually against the side of the nearest building. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I was just about to go out to lunch with a really fine lady, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss the chance of a lifetime because of some bothersome kid." And with that he strolled around the corner and ducked under Ichiraku's low awning. Naruto followed him persistently.

Jiraiya pretended not to notice him for as long as he could, but finally growled, "Hey! Are you deaf, kid? I thought I told you to beat it! I'm not training you. I'm too busy."

Naruto thought for a moment, then smiled seductively. "I'll do my Sexy Jutsu for you," he offered coyly.

Jiraiya blushed and answered the old cook's quizzical stare with a dismissive wave in Naruto's direction, which seemed to say, "You know how kids are..." A moment later, he leaned down close to Naruto, brow knitted as he struggled to take a mental step back. "As tempting as that may be, she'd only get me into trouble. I've already had to ask Tsunade to heal my right wrist twice this week and even she won't buy the 'writing until I get carpel-tunnel because I have a deadline' excuse three times in six days."

"You're gross!"

"Take it easy, kid," Jiraiya tutted. "You're the one who offered me a peep-show. Now, get out of here! My date will be here any minute."

Naruto pouted sullenly. "Bet she doesn't even show up."

"Just watch, kid, these ladies couldn't resist my charming personality and impressive physique if they tried!"

"Yeah, well, if she'd go out with a geezer like you she can't be all that pretty in the first place!"

"Oh yeah? Well, I've got news for you, kiddo, she's smoking hot."

"Hmph," Naruto scoffed, turning his back dramatically on his mentor. "I'm probably way prettier."

The cook had heard enough, and interrupted loudly, "Order now and you get it half-price!"

The food was enough to make Naruto and Jiraiya forget their argument for a little while. After twenty minutes, they set their bowls aside. Naruto set to work diligently polishing his headband while Jiraiya nursed a cup of sake and a pipe with a smile like a well-fed Persian cat.

"Wow," Naruto remarked. "Your date must have gone insane with love for you and forgotten how to get to Ichiraku."

"Shut up," Jiraiya pleaded.

"So, since your date stood you up, you've got time to train me today."

"Kid, the answer is 'no.' Anyway, I've already taught you the rasengan, what more do you want out of me?"

Naruto, taking the question a little more seriously than Jiraiya had intended, gave his options a few seconds of intense consideration, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Well, Sasuke can breathe fire. That seems like something every really good ninja ought to be able to do."

"Forget it. No can do. Fire techniques aren't exactly your style – that said, they're not really my style either, but I could still send your little Uchiha boyfriend crying back to his mommy–ooh," Jiraiya winced. "Better keep that one between us." Naruto nodded in agreement. "But, as I was saying, nobody could really expect you to be as versatile and prolific–"

"Wait, doesn't that mean that you've got lots of kids?"

"No, it means you know a lot of jutsu, idiot. As I was saying, no one can expect a kid like you to be as talented as a great ninja like me. Anyway, I thought you were supposed to be off playing with that little sick friend of yours."

"What, Sasuke?"

"The damaged one."

"That's him. I hate his stupid guts. That's why I've got to learn to do all the jutsu he can do – otherwise he'll think he's better than me."

"What? You mean to tell me that, after I had to listen to you whining, day after day, that we just had to find Lady Tsunade so that she could make your boyfriend all better, you two broke up already?"

Naruto bristled visibly. "Yeah, well...he was actually okay to hang out with when he wouldn't wake up! And he's not my boyfriend! Unlike somebody, I've got a girlfriend."

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Hmph. You mean the pink-haired girl who hates you and lives solely to bear your little boyfriend's offspring?"

Naruto stuck his nose in the air and crossed his arms, as aloof as rage and embarrassment would allow. "We're pending. She'll come around."

Jiraiya would never say it aloud – he probably wouldn't even string the words together in his head – but Naruto certainly did remind him of his younger self sometimes. It was almost comical, how similar they were...and in all the worst ways (boisterous, clumsy, bull-headed, overconfident, preoccupied by sex...). Jiraiya had to admit that training Naruto, while it had been a real challenge, was not only rewarding, but fulfilling – even fun. With a soft, half smile, Jiraiya shook his head bemusedly. For as annoying as he could be some days, that kid had a damn good heart–

It didn't take Jiraiya long to run out of sentimental reflections. "Like I said, kid. Pay me."

Naruto threw Jiraiya his most caustic look, slid out of his seat, and stomped out of the restaurant. "Hah! Finally," Jiraiya sighed, then said to the cook, "I thought I'd never get rid of him." His smile faded quickly when he realized that he was now alone with the bill. He stared ruefully at the piece of paper the cook placed in front of him. "Tell me something, old man," he said. "Do you believe in karma?"

"Yes! Giving big tips will improve your fortunes."

Jiraiya raised his sake cup glumly. "Cheers."