"After all that delicious fantasizing, Karisawa Erika decides to write all of that delicious smut down and on a whim, emails it to the victims of her fantasies. Who knew she'd be sending Ikebukuro in a total uproar?"

Title: April Fool Emails

Rating: T (probably gonna go up)

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara! (Alas!) or that awesome Shizaya one shot Narita wrote – April Fool Bacon Lettuce (I seriously recommend reading it. However, I do own Shizuo and Izaya. They bring me much inspiration. :3

Side note – This is actually my first fic posted on this site and all, and I'm sorry if I make any stupid mistakes or anything. I'd love it if you'd correct me though. :D

Erika giggled uncontrollably as she typed furiously onto her laptop, stars in her eyes and a massive blush dusting her cheeks a rosy pink. Her fingers clicked incessantly against her little computer's keyboard, writing god-knows-what for god-knows-who in the back of Kadota's van. Whatever it was, it sure as hell wasn't one of her other attempts at writing a light novel.

"Hehehe…oh – ah ha ha ha…pfffft, te he he he!" she laughed uncontrollably and insanely, borderline evilly as her typing speed increased with her enthusiasm for whatever she was writing. But telling by the way she was hunched over the laptop and was sitting at an angle that obviously implied she didn't want anyone to see, whatever she was writing with gusto probably wasn't for children to read. Or anyone, for that matter.

Walker eyed her nervously from over his novel and glanced at Togusa and Kadota who were currently staring at the road in front of them with hard looks on their faces. The blonde furrowed his brows and turned his head back towards the otaku in front of him and mentally contemplated asking her the subject of the story she was so furiously typing.

"Erika, is that BL?" he asked with a nervous grin. The brunette suddenly looked up from her laptop and wiped away a bit of blood off from her upper lip with the back of her hand.

"How did you know, Yumacchi?!" She asked, a big huge grin plastered on her face as she hit ctrl and 's' on her keyboard at the same time. Kadota sighed.

"You always get that look when you're writing yaoi, Karisawa."

"Oh, oh, Dottachin~! Can you give me Shizu-Shizu and Izayan's emails?!" she exclaimed, hopping up and down in her seat. He glanced at her from over his seat, a distressed expression on his face as he frowned.

"I told you not to call me that!" Kadota sighed again, taking off his cap and running through his fingers through his hair, "And why would you need Shizuo and Izaya's emails in the first place?"

"Because~" she sing-songed, closing her laptop and holding it almost protectively to her chest, almost like how a mother would cradle her infant, "I'm about to create real life yaoi!"

"Why does that worry me more than it should?" Togusa mumbled, taking a sharp left. Yumasaki chuckled nervously.

"I don't think-"

"All Shizu-Shizu and Izayan have to do is realize their love for each other! I mean all that sexual tension between them-"

"I don't see it." Kadota interrupted, not liking where the conversation was going, "Trust me, I've known the both of them since high school, and there's nothing between the two-"

"Then you need glasses, Dottachin." Erika stated matter-of-factly, raising a finger for emphasis, "And this," She held up her laptop in front of her face, moving it side to side before placing on the ground next to her, that devious grin appearing on her face again – this time wide enough for Kadota to worry about the well-being of her facial muscles, "is the key to their romance. Trust me."

"I still don't get it how you fantasize about the men you know in real life. Kadota, she actually imagined yo-"

"Hush!" she jumped forward and clasped her hand over the other otaku's mouth, "Not a word! Not yet! What kind of friend are you?! Traitor!"

Kadota eyed the laptop with a peculiar expression. "And how is that the key?"

The fujoshi blushed furiously again and covered her own mouth with both hands, her body trembling with suppressed giggles. She tapped Kadota's shoulder softly. "Ne, ne, Dottachin, how about those emails?"

"You do realize if you do anything out of line, they can track you down and kills you, right?" Togusa mumbled, glancing at her over his shoulder, "It's not like they're normal people…not like we are, but you get my drift."

"I don't think dying for her perverted fantasies would be a problem for her." Kadota said, shaking his head before looking back at Erika. She pouted, tugging on his sleeve.

"Come on, Dottachin~ it's not like you guys are getting involved…please? Gimme their Dollars emails so they won't suspect anything! Pleeeaaaase?!"

Kadota exhaled deeply before pulling out his cell phone. "Don't tell me I didn't warn you."

"Yes! Thank you thank you thank you Dottachin!" she exclaimed loudly, startling Walker and causing him to jump and drop the book he was reading. The man dubbed 'Dottachin' frowned, regretting it already.

"Type this down. Izaya's dollars email; nakura , 'Nakura' spelt N-A-K-U-"

"Boring, boring, boring…oh, Namie, people as much as I love them, these days they're a little…ah, what would be the right word…" he sighed and yawned, leaning his head against his hand as he checked his email with half-open, drowsy eyes. The informant's secretary rolled her eyes as she sorted the files in front of her by date of relevance.

"Maybe 'boring', Izaya?" she sneered, tossing a manila folder on the desk in front him, "That's the information on that bousouzoku you asked for."

"Mmh, maybe." He reached forward lazily and removed the file, opening it carelessly, causing the papers held in it to drop onto the ground, making a mess at his feet, "Oops. My bad."

"Honestly, are you even awake?" Namie bent down and started picking up the pieces of parchment off the ground and handed it to him, "Don't tell me you were on that chatroom until two in the morning again, Kanra?"

"Hmm?" he hummed, yawning again. The brunette shook his head, rubbing his eyes, "Not that chatroom. You absolutely ruined that one for me. Now every time I log on I worry about running into 'Mai' and 'Kyo', thanks to you. Not everyone lusts after their younger siblings."

"It's love. Love makes you do crazy things and dyes your soul a deep hue of crimson. Once it starts, it never stops. Something you'll never understand, Izaya." She said almost arrogantly, bending down to pick up a stray piece of paper and slam it on his desk along with the other discarded contents of the folder. Izaya bit the inside of his cheek, wondering how she was able to say that with a straight face.

"Well, Shizu-chan dyes my soul a deep red and I hate him from the bottom of my heart. Kinda proves that saying that 'hate and love are on the same side of the coin', ne?"

"You have a heart and soul?!" she exclaimed, staring at him incredulously. Izaya rolled his eyes dramatically at her snarky reply.

"Witty, Namie."

"You've got mail!" Izaya's computer chirped cheerfully.

The informant blinked owlishly and turned towards the desktop pc with a curious expression, frowning at the title of his newest message, lips moving silently as he read it before double-clicking it. "Namie, when you're done with that, can you get me coffee?"

Namie sighed softly, shuffling through the papers and turning the ones that were upside-down right-side-up with a bored expression. No reply from the other as she continued to organize them. She finished the repetitive task at hand and place the small pile of papers into the folder and sighed, flipping a stray lock of hair over her shoulder. "Don't drop them again, okay…?"

She frowned at her boss's pale, troubled expression, watching his red eyes scan the computer screen in front of him with practiced speed, growing wider with each line until they reached the size of dinner plates – a feat she thought impossible until now considering the man was oriental and didn't have very big eyes, his lips moving rapidly with each mouthed word. "Izaya? Are you alright?"

No 'I'm touched you care~!' or 'Concerned for my well being now? Oh, what would Seiji think?' or even 'Where's Yagiri Namie and what have you done with her?'. Instead, he stopped mouthing whatever he was reading and let his jaw hang loose, gripping his mouse hard enough for his secretary to worry about the electronic device in his hand.

Namie strode to the other side of his desk, a sudden, intense curiosity bubbling up within her at what could make the great Orihara Izaya freeze like that when not even the worst abnormalities could. She leaned forward, resting her hands on his desk as she squinted at the email's title.

"'April Fool Bacon Lettuce'…? It's June. Obviously whoever sent this has no sense of time. And besides, why would someone put that as a title?" She tsked, glancing at the red-eyed man who was scrolling up and down rapidly and refreshing the page over and over again as if to make sure whatever the contents were weren't a mistake of some sort. But before Namie could actually read what was written, Izaya stood up abruptly, making her jump. He tipped his computer monitor over with a finger as so it was screen-down on his desk, narrowly missing his laptop and yanked the power cord out harshly, tossing it as far away as he could despite it still being connected to the hard-drive standing on top of his desk.

"I take that red-dyeing-thing back, Namie." He breathed, now gripping the edges of his desk hard enough for his knuckles to turn white.

The ex-pharmacist eyed the informant nervously, frowning at the lack of color to his skin. Whatever it was, it had truly rattled him from the bottom of his (non-existent) heart. "Izaya, are you alright?"

The informant stared at the un-plugged computer with a blank expression before flashing her a see-through smirk, a frightening look in those rouge orbs. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I-"

"Did you read anything?"

"Just the first line." She replied slowly, raising a brow, "Just 'Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya'. Just what could it be that made you so-"

"Cancel all calls and meetings regarding anyone. Forget that coffee – no, there's some vodka somewhere. Two parts coffee, one part vodka. Do not disturb me for the next hour unless it's absolutely necessary – I need to go rethink my life." He commanded stiffly, staring blankly at his secretary with a mildly troubled expression before moving past her and towards the stairs.

"Oh, what could it be to make you drink?!" she exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips and shifting her weight to one foot, "Come on, Izaya!"

"You're not to be trusted, Namie." He sing-songed in a poor imitation of his usual mocking tone as he ran up the stairs two steps at a time. He suddenly stopped half-way up the stairs and turned towards her with a half-way thoughtful expression, raising a finger for emphasis, "And make that two parts vodka."

"It's not like someone wrote porn about the two of you, sheesh, calm down." She hummed, tapping her chin thoughtfully. Izaya's smooth gate faltered and he tripped, barely regaining his balance before practically running off to his room and slamming the door behind him, causing Namie's brows to shoot up.

"Or maybe they did."

She pulled out her cell phone and logged out of her own email account and into Izaya's using the password she had learned after months of watching him type it in every day and opened his newest email, a devious grin plastered on her face.

It wasn't until she heard the sound of a running shower that the email in question truly got interesting to her. She plopped down onto the nearest couch, hunched over the cell phone in her hands, her evil grin growing wider and wider with each passing moment.

"I've got to read this."

"It's nice seeing you again after so long." Shizuo hummed, swirling his straw around inside his vanilla milkshake idly, watching his younger brother fondly. A rare smile appeared on Kasuka's emotionless face for half a second and the idol nodded, placing his hands on the table and laced his thin fingers together.

"Likewise, aniki. I've missed you." He replied in a voice devoid of all emotion as he twirled a fry, making it impossible for anyone else to tell if he were being sarcastic or not. He looked around at the fast-food restaurant around him, eyes invisible behind his sunglasses. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Is that Hanejima Yuuhei – you know, that actor?" a woman one table over whispered loudly to her friend.

"Ohmigod, it really is him! But that other guy…isn't that Heiwajima Shizuo?"

"What's he doing with him?" another woman whispered.

"Are they on a date? Oh, they look so hot together!"

"Shut up! He's looking at us!"

He turned his head back towards his older brother, tangling his fingers together even further almost nervously as he ignored the whispers coming from several different tables now as people caught onto the women's conversation. "I don't want to keep you from your job, aniki. If you-"

"No, no, no," the blonde waved his hand dismissively before resting his elbows on the back of his chair, "I got off early today, so it's alright."

His lips curved up into a genuine smile, regarding his brother with soft mocha eyes. "And besides, anything for my otouto, ne?"

Kasuka nodded, pushing his dark sunglasses up his small nose. "Likewise. The director called in sick today and I didn't have anything else to do today, so I'm free too."

"Ah – so how 'bout I order some hamburgers and we could head off to Sunshine 60 or something? Of course, unless you want to do-"

"Fine by me." He replied in a soft murmur, almost sotto voce-ish. He opened his mouth to say something else, but whatever it was, Shizuo beat him to it.

"I'm paying, alright?"

"Unacceptable-"

"Oi, Kasuka, I'm the big brother here." Shizuo flashed his younger sibling another kind smile as he placed his milkshake on the table searched his pockets for his wallet, discarding his cell phone, cigarettes and lighter onto the sticky tabletop in front of him in the process, "It's my job to pay, hmm?"

Kasuka hummed and leaned back in his chain, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Just this once, aniki."

"Mm-hm." The blonde waved him off dismissively for the second time and finally locating his wallet in his back pocket. He got up and walked off, joining the line of people who were waiting for their food.

Beep-beep-beep! Beep-beep-beep!

Kasuka stared at Shizuo's golden cellphone with curious eyes, watching it vibrate. On the digital screen a mail icon popped up, blinking madly. The idol sighed and turned around in his chair where the debt collector was tapping his foot impatiently against the ground as he waited for his turn, completely oblivious to the people around him who were shooting him terrified glances and murmuring things about bartenders and monsters under their breaths. The women a table away kept on chattering on about Shizuo and him, now moving on to more inappropriate topic like who would be on top in bed and if they 'made love' or they were they the 'fucking' type, making him feel downright uncomfortable.

"Oh, aniki!" he exclaimed loud enough for everyone within five tables radius to hear him, putting an emphasis on the Japanese word for 'big brother' on purpose, satisfied to hear the whispers die down immediately – the women and the people around the blonde. Shizuo turned towards him, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah?"

Kasuka pointed at the cellphone in front of the chair that Shizuo was sitting in. "You have a new message."

"Oh, can you check that for me?" Shizuo hummed, completely oblivious to the contents of his newest email. The brunette nodded and reached for the device and flipped it open, reading 'New email' written in large letters in the middle of the LCD screen.

"What if it was sort of like a 'forbidden love' sort of thing?" the same woman from before giggled, a light blush dusting her cheeks, "That would be hot!"

"I heard someplace that Hanejima Yuuhei's real name was actually Heiwajima Kasuka…"

" – It would be like they came straight out a yaoi manga! I can see it right now! They would –"

Kasuka closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but besides that, none of the indignation, embarrassment and the anger on the inside showed on his fair face. He pulled off his glasses and turned towards the women, clearing his throat to get their attention. With a collective squeak, the woman stopped chatting about incest and bromance and fixated their attention on the idol in front of them, beet-red blushes across their cheeks.

"I assure you, there is nothing going on between my brother, Heiwajima Shizuo and I." he stated monotonously, ignoring the looks on their faces that implied that they were about to melt into a puddle of embarrassment, "So would it be too much to ask to refrain from the subject at hand? It makes me uncomfortable, and I'm sure Shizuo would not appreciate someone talking about him like this."

"S-sure…"

"I'm sorry!"

"Ah…"

"Thank you." Kasuka said stoically before pressing the button labeled 'open' on the protozoan's cell phone and began to read the message at hand with disinterested eyes, putting his sunglasses back on with his other hand.

" Looks like someone's written porn with my brother in it. Last I checked though, 'Izaya' was a guy's name."

"…Oh. 'Izaya' is a guy. Is this a joke? Perhaps I should delete it before aniki sees. However, whatever it is, it is written quite well."

"He'd just check his trash box or spam box, no point in that. If I delete it completely, it would come off as rather suspicious."

"What should I do…?"

As these thoughts swirled in the young actor's head, Shizuo plopped down on the seat in front of him with a tray full of food, watching his brother stare blankly at his phone with that ever-present stoic expression of his. The blonde raised a brow.

"Anything interesting, Kasuka?"

The brunette's head snapped up, his eyes slightly wider than normal as if startled. Shizuo blinked owlishly as he watched the younger man close his cellphone deftly and place it gently onto the table – a bit too gently in fact, sort of like how one might handle a bomb that might go off at any second.

"Should I tell him at once? What if it's not a joke and someone really wants to make him mad? Perhaps I should somehow 'ease' him into it, no harm in that."

"Ah…"

"Well, whatever." Shizuo picked up one of the identical hamburgers placed side-by-side on the plastic tray in front of him and handed it to him, "Enjoy. I got extra fries."

"Thank you." Kasuka unwrapped the hamburger in his hands almost gingerly and grabbed a packet of ketchup, tearing it open with his teeth. He squirted some of the red sauce over the sandwich in his hands and took a small bite, watching Shizuo practically scarf his down. The brunette took a couple more bites and swallowed before finally talking.

"Aniki?"

"Hmm?" The protozoan hummed, taking a sip of his milkshake. Kasuka stared down at his hamburger almost somberly and placed it onto the table before saying whatever he was going to say.

"Who's "Orihara Izaya"?"

As soon as the mystery guy's name came out of the brunette's mouth, Shizuo tensed up immediately and a dangerous gleam appeared in the blonde's brown eyes.

"I knew it." Kasuka sighed internally.

"…Why?" he asked a bit too calmly.

"You promise you won't get mad?" Kasuka asked, glancing at the cellphone that was still resting by his hand. After a moment, the protozoan raised his head and locked eyes with his brother's, forcing a smile onto his lips.

"Naw, just tell me what it is." He paused for a moment before adding with a slightly malicious tone; "Whatever it is. Just tell me."

"Well, I'll just cut to the chase since you obviously seem to know him." Kasuka tilted his head to the side, lacing his fingers together again in a very business-like way, watching him take another sip of his sweet drink, "Are you in a sexual relationship with him, aniki?"

The protozoan choked on his drink and set the cup down a bit harder than necessary in order to pound his fist against his chest to keep himself from asphyxiating on liquid vanilla and sugar before rasping a croak-like; "What!?"

The idea of having a sexual relationship was so foreign to Shizuo, so distant and so improbable, that for a second, even his infamous, uncontrollable, never-ending rage of his went unnoticed, replaced with overwhelming shock and surprise, washing away all other thoughts and feelings.

Sure, the flea was good looking (fucking pretty boy) and had a good body for a guy (anorexic pest) and he was pretty damn smart (always speaking in goddamn riddles – that bastard was too annoying for his own good) but there was nothing, absolutely nothing that Shizuo found vaguely 'sexy' or 'alluring' about him (despite the flock of girls that always seemed to stalk him in high school). For all it mattered, those brown-ish red eyes were nauseating and he automatically found himself hating – no, abhorring – anyone who resembled him in any way.

And the most obvious reason of all – he was a guy! To put it gently – tities and pussies man, who said anything about dicks?! Ass-fucking was just gross. Like, what if you got shit on your…

Yeah. Point made.

So Shizuo sat there, unable to reply, his jaw hanging loosely as he gaped at his brother like a retard. After a few seconds, he blinked rapidly and shook his head as if to shake himself out of his stupor before repeating another louder, "What?!"

Kasuka shrugged before picking his hamburger up again and taking a big bite of the thing, brushing a bit of his too-long hair out of his face.

"But…ah…I…he –" his jaw worked up and down fruitlessly as he tried to form comprehensible words, too flabbergasted to actually say anything, "Where'd you get that idea, Kasuka? Did that flea-"

"Check your cellphone." The brunette hummed between mouthfuls, staring at his brother passively, like it was no big deal. Shizuo snapped the device from in front of Kasuka, almost crushing the thing under his vice-like grip as he flipped it open and checked his email, denting a button or two in the process.

Mocha eyes moved right to left as he read the writing contained in that little digital letter, feeling his milkshake and hamburger make it's way back up his esophagus, leaving a terribly bitter taste on the back of his throat. He swallowed, hard. "Kasuka read all this?!"

"Is this his idea of some sick joke, that sick-ass pest?! Does he think writing shit like this is funny?!"

"Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill…"

"I ' ! ! !"

The sound of Shizuo grinding his teeth together could be heard three tables over, gripping the edge of his own table with his other hand hard enough to leave a very noticeable crack.

"But aniki," Kasuka began, realizing the way things were going, his brother was going to snap and tear the place to shreds, "no matter what your sexual orientation is, you will always be my bro –"

"Kasuka," The protozoan made an animalistic growling sound from the back of his throat, barely suppressing his rage and the urge to yell and flip tables over and basically flatten the fast food joint to the ground, "I am not gay."

He shrugged again. "Then who's this 'Izaya'?"

"He's –" Shizuo opened his mouth to reply, but then an idea popped up into his head. He clamped his teeth together and leaned back, suppressing his uncontrollable rage as best he could. "Not now. Not in front of Kasuka."

"Ahhh, he's an old high-school acquaintance." He forced himself to smile as best he could (the corners of his lips twitched sporadically) and laughed dryly. Kasuka frowned the tiniest bit. "He's not gay or anything," "Now that I think about it…" "but he has a pretty sick sense of humor. Don't mind that...email…thing. Sorry you had to read that."

"Sounds to me that he likes you." He hummed, plucking a fry off the tray and nibbling on it idly, eyeing his older brother. Shizuo tsked.

"Naw. He's just a really, really, really, really sick bastard. Just un-fucking-beliva– but seriously, just forget about it, Kasuka." He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair, hoping his brother didn't notice how badly his hands were shaking, "That reminds me, I need to call someone. Be back in five?"

"Alright. But if you-"

"No, no. It's fine." The protozoan swiped his cellphone off the table and slid it into his pocket before getting up and walking away as calmly and as civilized as he could manage at the moment, with all that suppressed anger on the inside, trying to keep his expression of one that radiated cool and calm.

However, as soon as he stepped out of the fast-food, his face warped into a frighteningly dark scowl, his brow twitching once more. He pulled out his phone and went through his virtual phonebook until he found a particular contact and pressed call.

As soon as the screen displayed 'Calling Flea' in big letters, Shizuo pressed the speaker against his ear, ignoring the little cracking sounds coming from the electronic in his hands as he pressed it a bit too hard against the side of his head, waiting for the fuckingsonuvabitch to fuckinggoddamn answer.

Beeeeeeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…

"Hello?" Shizuo's brows shot up momentarily at the feminine voice on the other side of the line and he scowled even darker. Really, imitating a woman now of all times?!

"Look you fucking flea, I have no goddamn idea what you're trying to accomplish but when I find you, I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU UNDERSTAND?!" he yelled, practically screaming into the speakers. Passer-byers eyed the man dressed in a bartender uniform with fearful eyes and tried to edge away from him, lest they get caught up in one of Heiwajima Shizuo's infamous rages, "I'LL-"

"What did Izaya do now?" the woman on the other side sighed, sounding exasperated, "Wait – who is this?"

He paused, frowning. "You're not the flea?"

"Do I sound like Izaya to you?!" she exclaimed, actually sounding sort of offended at Shizuo's question. The protozoan's eyes narrowed, suspecting a trick.

"You could always be-"

"This is Yagiri Namie talking, his secretary, not Orihara Izaya. That guy sounds like he talks through his nose and can't cover up that obnoxious tone of his to save his life. How could he pull off a voice like mine?!" Namie huffed, exhaling into the speakers, "And I'm guessing you're one of the idiots who had a fast one pulled on them by said idiot? He's…unable right now, so you're going to have to call him later, seeing as you seem to have a lot to say."

He almost smiled at that. "Almost" being the key word here. It was nice to hear someone talking so low about Izaya.

"Just tell him Heiwajima Shizuo called and wants to kill him. He'll get the message, hopefully." He mumbled and snapped his phone shut before Namie could reply. He frowned and pocketed his cell phone, grinding his teeth together hard enough to make his jaw hurt.

"Porn never really was the flea's style."

"What if he didn't do it? It would be pretty ego-shattering to write such a thing with your enemy, let alone emailing it."

Shizuo scowled darkly, balling his hands into fists as he continued to contemplate the situation at hand. He glanced back at the restaurant, spotting Kasuka through the window, texting someone on his flashy cellphone before looking away in the opposite direction at the semi-busy street in front of him, glaring venomously at random cars.

"Impossible."

"So what could his hidden motive be?"

"Maybe he wants to fuck or something…?"

The protozoan chewed on the inside of his cheek idly, craving a cigarette, not finding the idea pleasant whatsoever. Izaya sexually attracted to him? So wrong on so many levels. For the second time in ten minutes he found himself gagging into his mouth thanks to the pest.

Shizuo sighed, finding his current train of thought pointless (not to mention nauseating) and shuffled back towards the fast-food joint, not wanting to keep Kasuka waiting any longer. He raked his fingers through his hair, deftly lighting up another cancer stick to calm his jittery nerves,

He was so going to get back at him for this.

Ahahaha – would a review be too much to ask?

Should I continue? Tell me what you think and I'll love you until the end of eternity. 3