A/N: Titles from the Nine Inch Nails song. Please read and review!

His memories are cold. Blinding snow, frigid metal, ice creeping through his veins. He remembers the experiments first. These give way to memories of Brooklyn, which is quite a relief. It was cold there, too, but it was good. Far better than what came after. The war comes next, confusingly intermixed with later assignments so that he cannot be sure who he was during each. Paying attention to his hands helps with that – are they both flesh and blood or is one heavy and terrifying? Terrifying to others; he isn't bothered by it.

Eventually, he comes out of hiding to find Steve Rogers. Because he thinks maybe he deserves to do more than just survive, to just wait for this hell to end and a fresh one to appear. He thinks he has no shortage of enemies, and being found by any of them would not be a pleasant experience. And now he's allowed to consider having pleasant experiences. Well, maybe. Avoiding unpleasant ones is something he'll consider, at any rate. So he goes to Avengers Tower.

He is not welcomed with open arms, but he did not expect to be. Steve is happy, of course, and welcoming, but the others are suspicious of him and do not keep him company often. Which is fine. He sees Steve and Sam Wilson, and they are friendly to him. He doesn't think he would know what to do if the others were as friendly, so it is just fine to rarely see anyone else. Steve wants Bucky back, but knows on some level that this is impossible. He tries to be as much like that person as he can. It's hard. Sam understands more, sees him as whom he really is. He decides he's glad Sam is so frequently there.

At some point, he is deemed trustworthy enough to accompany them on missions. He isn't sure if Steve pressed for this or if he wanted to keep him safe at home. Sam is more reliable with his assessments of the Soldier's wellbeing, and likely had a lot to do with getting him something to do outside of the Tower. He's pleased to be on missions again, even if he's not supposed to have enjoyed the old ones. It's something he knows he can do well, and there is precious little of that in his life.

He goes on missions with Steve for a while, and is somewhat redundant because they do not use his skills. That's logical – it's too early to think they would put him in a position where his unexpected response to something might jeopardize the whole thing. The first few are with just Sam and Steve anyway, and they see no need for stealth. He doesn't agree with that assessment, but doesn't say anything. Then Stark's kid joins them, perhaps because everyone agrees he can't hurt a man in a metal suit (he's not sure they're right). He gets along with Tony, though, with another man who's been a prisoner of war and unwillingly had mechanical implements attached to his body. Not that being with Tony is like being with Sam or Steve, but they share enough experiences to work together.

Finally, he starts accompanying the Widow or Hawkeye on the more spy-like assignments. He likes these. He can't compete with Romanoff in her field, though his sharp-shooting skills rival Barton's. He is a valuable asset and feels useful again. The two of them speak to him rarely, which is fine. They have similar goals and training, so speaking during a mission is not much of a necessity. And he doesn't usually talk to anyone outside of assignments. He likes to keep to himself; reading, training, anything to keep the nightmares at bay.

Now that he's going on missions, the memories of his others start to become more focused, less confusing. He doesn't like them. He likes that his memories of Brooklyn have come back, but would be fine with not knowing the specifics of what he's been doing since the 1940s. It wasn't anything good, he knows. Rationally, he supposes it could help him identify potential enemies, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. He just wants to be left alone.

"You ready, Buck?" Steve's voice, in that hesitant tone seemingly only used for him. The others mainly call him Barnes, anyway.

"Yeah," he replies, fastening the last piece of his gear. It's not the same as what he wore for HYDRA, but it's similar. It was a tactically useful uniform, even if it does conjure bad memories, so he doesn't deviate from it too much in his current choices. Having the ability to choose what to wear is a pleasant change, though.

They were briefed yesterday, but Steve reminds him what the op is as they head for the quinjet. He always likes to check. "So, Makarov is in charge of the group now, and he's making threats against some of SHIELD's allies." SHIELD doesn't exist anymore, so how can it have allies? He doesn't ask. It's not in his nature these days. "He has hostages and we are going to go free them and take him into custody. The compound is outside Moscow, underground. It's supposed to be well-hidden, but Nat says she knows where it is. She's been there before." Steve calls the Widow Nat. He doesn't think that suits her. "You and she are going to go in while Barton and I are backup. We'll be close by, just radio if you need anything."

"Alright," he says placidly when Steve's done. He's glad Stark isn't coming; he always makes jokes whenever he and the Widow are working together, referencing their Russian past. He'd prefer not to think of his at all, and he knows the Widow isn't too happy about hers, either. Stark is insensitive, but not maliciously so. He's a smart guy and good addition to the team, even if he tends to annoy.

Hawkeye and the Widow are in the cockpit already when they arrive, and they take off shortly. He settles down in the back, knowing it will be a long trip. Steve goes to talk to the rest of his team, chatting, but also taking stock of their fitness for a mission. He's familiar with the technique. He's always fit for a mission. It's likely that they are, too, so Steve might be wasting his time. He doesn't know too much about Barton, but he knows Romanoff had any weaknesses trained out of her, just like he did. Perhaps that's why they get along so well on missions, but generally avoid each other outside of them. It's not a fact one likes to be reminded of.

After a while, Steve comes back to chat with him, too, and he obliges for a while. Memories of the war are returning more or less intact, possibly due to seeing Steve lead missions so often now, and that gives them some common ground. The things that followed the war are still mostly hazy. Well, decorated with moments of cold and pain and he doesn't like to think of any of it. Being awake helps, so he won't dwell on it now.

Barton and Romanoff are legends, one of the greatest teams in the intelligence community. It's always interesting to see them together, whether on assignment or not. They tease each other like siblings do, he thinks, and it's surprising to see the Widow acting like that. She's normally distant, wearing a façade. He sees it slip sometimes, like when Steve calls her Nat, but Barton is the only one who apparently gets to see her being herself most of the time. So being around them gives him a glimpse into how, well, normal someone like him might eventually become. It's a nice idea.

They land and Steve gives last-minute orders. He listens but doesn't require a reminder that they are taking prisoners, not killing anyone if they can avoid it. Being non-lethal is more of a challenge than the alternative, but it's not like he enjoys destroying other human beings. He only enjoyed missions as the Soldier because they were so much better than what he did (or had done to him) between them.

The Widow's expression is closed-off, mission-ready, and he follows her through dark and disgusting tunnels underneath the street toward the compound she claims is there. The architecture is not conducive for what a good military base would require, and he is a little skeptical. It's not his place to question her, though, so continues in silence. If he were Barton or Steve, he supposes she would joke with him about the smell or the cramped quarters. But because he is who he is, she is silent and focused. He doesn't mind; it's how he prefers to be. Soldiers make jokes to steady their nerves before going into battle. But he's not a soldier, hasn't really been one since the war, and nerves are not an issue.

When they reach what is clearly a concrete bunker, he hides a smile. If she were Steve or Sam, he would have made a comment about being sorry for doubting her, something about it being the first time she was right. Which isn't true, of course. Instead, he doesn't say anything, and she doesn't comment on his brief expression. They are both carrying charges that help open the door, silently affixing them in the most efficient pattern without having to discuss it. Then they seek cover and hold their ears until the deep sound they can hear in their bones lets them know they can get in. So much for covert.

The place is a labyrinth, and he's glad to have her there to guide him through. They weren't able to gather much intel on Makarov, and know nothing about this place. He verifies that their comms still work before they get much deeper. She seems to know where she is going, the hard expression on her face discouraging comment on why she knows it so well. That's alright; he can guess.

It's not empty, and is in fact up and running. They move stealthily, occasionally having to dispatch those who get too close, but no one seems to be investigating the explosion, so they have surprise on their side. He can't help but feel a little concerned about the lack of response, though, and becomes more and more on edge. She seems to feel the same, and glances at him before contacting Barton and suggesting backup would not go unappreciated. So his expression must have shown his unease.

She stops when the hallway they are moving through is about to open onto a larger room and leans against the wall, out of sight. He mimics this precaution. "You think we should wait for them or head in?" she asks.

She doesn't usually ask him questions. He considers. "The time table we were given indicates we have an hour left. But that's assuming Makarov is going to honor his agreement." She raises an eyebrow, waiting. "A smart man would know who he was talking to, and expect SHIELD to send someone in. It's probably a trap."

"He took hostages so we'd be tempted to go in anyway."

He shrugs. "Let's spring the trap," he replies. She smiles at him, a real smile, and he finds himself returning the gesture.

"I like the way you think," she says, and presses a button on her wrists, making the Widow's Bites glow blue.

It is, indeed, a trap. But not one built to contain people like them, so they hold their own for a while. Capturing instead of killing is the plan, but is not a goal shared by HYDRA, so he figures he's killed a few of them despite his attempts not to. It's not something that will haunt him, though, since it's self-defense (more or less). There does not appear to be any definite leader in the throng of men, so perhaps Makarov isn't here. The hostages, children, are in a cage in the corner and crying. He supposes he and the Widow don't exactly look like heroes come to rescue them.

Steve and Barton arriving hopefully does something to reassure them, but he stays focused on the fight. HYDRA always seems to have an endless supply of nameless goons, and he wonders where they could possibly get them all. It had been dicey before the backup showed, but now it's clear they have the upper hand and he manages to keep from killing anyone else.

"Alright, that's enough!" a voice bellows, bringing them all to a startled halt.

A man is standing near the cage, holding one of the children by the collar and brandishing a gun. The sight fills him with anger unexpectedly, but he doesn't move, waiting for orders. A cursory glance tells him that Steve is not sure what to do, and he focuses on the speaker again, looking for a weakness.

"SHIELD thinks it can just send you thugs in here and take what they want? Do you even know what the parents of these sweet children have done? What they deserve to have done to them?" the man demands, clearly Makarov.

"Murdering children won't solve anything," Steve says, in that authoritative-yet-soothing tone he manages to pull off so well.

The man opens his mouth to speak, then stops abruptly, seeing the four of them as though for the first time. "Natalia Romanova, what a pleasant surprise," he says in Russian, laughing at some joke no one else understands.

The Widow looks stricken for a moment before a cool smile covers for her. "Alexei, it's been a long time. Didn't know you changed your name."

"Most of us do when we alter our loyalties," he responds, still laughing. Then he turns his attention to the Soldier. "How fitting that you two traitors are working together," he adds, a hint of bitterness in his tone.

"Let them go, Alexei," Romanoff insists, still in Russian. Steve and Barton look tense but a little confused, not following the conversation. If the Widow signals in some way, it's likely that he's the only one who will catch it quickly.

"I can't do that, Natalia," Makarov is almost apologetic. "Why don't you just take your boys and head home, for old time's sake?" he suggests.

She smiles at him, disarmingly, lowering her weapon. Then she coils almost imperceptibly like a spring and jumps at him, knocking the gun from his hand. The other men in the room immediately leap into action and he's distracted from what she and Makarov are doing. Until a shot goes off, deafening in the enclosed space. By the way the goons flee, he knows their leader must be injured or worse.

When they clear, he sees Romanoff standing over Makarov, her gun in her hand, staring down at him, her expression showing more shock than he would have expected. He moves over to her cautiously, and gently takes the weapon from her hand. The man is dead, they are no longer in immediate danger, and she doesn't look like her head is in the right place to be handling deadly weapons. He's surprised by her reaction, for surely she's shot someone at close range before, possibly as unplanned as this appears to be, but doesn't comment.

"He was my husband," she says suddenly, and he blinks at her, at the unprecedented comment. It does go some way to explain her reaction, but brings up a great deal of questions.

"He was HYDRA," he replies, and she looks at him sharply, almost angrily. Then she nods and her face loses all expression.

He watches as she walks over to the cage and frees the children, seeming to have recovered. Steve and Barton head over and they lead the kids out of the maze. He walks behind, with the Widow, considering that "Natalia" suits her quite well.

Back in the Tower, Steve expresses concern that the Widow hasn't spoken since she shot Makarov. He doesn't relate what she said about the man, and Steve gives up his not-so-subtle questioning after a while. Surprisingly, Barton is similarly concerned and comes by to ask if either of them noticed anything different about Tasha. Steve says no, and he shrugs. Barton doesn't question him, just says she's sitting on the roof and won't talk to anyone. It's a cold day, and not particularly pleasant up there.

When he's feeling guilty, he likes to go be somewhere uncomfortable, too. When Steve and Barton leave, he gets a coat and goes up to join her.