will/mac; little moments from when they were dating
i.
Mackenzie was curled up in Will's bed, laptop in front of her as she scrolled through the news section on the ACN website. Her eyes slowly scanned every line, comparing what was on the website to the broadcast they had put out three hours previously. Will was attempting to make something that included beef by the smell that was drifting through the apartment.
It still felt new and fresh, they had only officially been together for a month but they had easily slipped into the roles that were expected of them and other than some awkwardness at work for the first week, it had mostly been plain sailing.
Pushing the top of the laptop down once she reached the stories they had broadcast, she headed along to the kitchen.
Will had two glasses of wine set out on the table, a single black candle lit in the middle of the table. Turning her attention to where Will was over the stove, she wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her forehead against the centre of his back.
"It smells like you can cook, I expected you to have liven off take-outs and then reheat them the next day for breakfast."
"It's different when you're cooking for two people Mac."
ii.
"I love you."
Mackenzie was sure she was dreaming the first time she heard Will say those three words, in the state between being awake and asleep. Her body was tired, the day was never ending, and even as they had sex it was lazy, both of them craving each others touch but not really wanting to rush it.
One of Will's hands was running down her spine, the soft sheets had pooled around the top of the thighs. The air conditioning was just the right level for the summer, cool enough that it was possible to sleep but at a level that you knew it was still summer. She wasn't sure where Will's other hand was but she didn't want to open her eyes. Maybe he had only said those words because he knew she was asleep. It was the easiest way to say them at first, although she knew that she wasn't likely to say them first, she expected Will to need some prompting. She knew about his childhood and how it affected him today, which made her believe he wouldn't open up that easily. Even if he believed that she wouldn't hear his confession.
Rather than letting on that she was awake, she let out a soft murmur and moved closer to him. She had always been a restless sleeper so the moment wouldn't come as a surprise to Will. Draping herself over his body, she got herself into a position where she would be able to hear his heart beat and feel his every breath.
iii.
"Mac, we can't just full on attack the President."
"Yes we can. I mean, the wording needs changing a bit but we're a news organisation. We have a duty to tell the news and not worry about if George Bush is going to be happy with us or not."
"We have sponsors who are affiliated with the Republican party. It's not that easy just to attack what the President and his government say, especially with two sources that could be questioned."
Mackenzie couldn't help but shake her head, she was pacing up and down on the rug in Will's apartment, and to the point where he was sure it was going to run thread bare with a few more strides.
"I don't care, we can't just tailor the news to keep the sponsors happy. If you do that you're selling out to them, we wanted the news Will, that's all we've ever wanted to do."
"Mac if we piss off the sponsors they could easily fire us."
"You mean me, they could easily fire me. You're the face of Newsnight, they can't get rid of you without valid reasoning."
Mac's face was boarding on the line of the puppy dog with those big eyes that he could never resist. She always looked like she was about to cry but something about it at the same time made him want to ravish her.
"I'm not going to let that happen easily. I love you, it's not going to happen."
Mac instantly stopped pacing and looked at him. The two weeks since he originally said it to her when he thought she was asleep, the three words had been a regular occurrence. He would run a finger down her back or across her cheek to check that she was asleep and then typically press a kiss against the crown on her head as he whispered it to her.
Taking a few steps to where Will was on the couch, she straddled him and pressed her lips hard against him, her thumbs rubbing his cheeks.
And as much as it broke her heart, she couldn't bring herself to say it back. It had always been a word that she struggled with, what was love? Being in love was different from the type of love that you felt towards family members. Although she knew that her feelings for Will were stronger than what she felt towards previous lovers, she didn't want to be throwing the phase around so easily.
iv
Mackenzie had always joked that Will was her own personal hot water bottle at night. Although most times, she would wake up in the middle of the night, complain how hot she was and roll over to the other side of the bed where the cool spot still was.
As typical she woke up close to 3am, but the temperature radiating from Will's body was warmer than normal and she could feel the sweat attached to his skin. Sitting up in bed, she placed the back of her hand to his forehead while her other hand reached over to switch on the lamp on the bedside table.
As the room lit up, she could see the whole of his body was covered in sweat but he was started to shiver. Shit.
Getting out of bed as quick as she could, almost tripped over when her feet got tangled in the sheets, she managed to save herself before she ended up flat on the floor. She filled a glass full of water, found some paracetamol and before waking up Will, ran the shower through to a luke warm temperature.
"Billy, wake up."
She slowly ran her fingers across his cheek, watching as his eyes slowly opened which looked slightly glassy.
"Why did you call me Billy? And why is it cold, turn the air con off will you?"
"No, you have a fever. I think you're coming down with the flu that some of the intern had a few days ago. Take these and then we're getting you in the shower?"
"Are you joining me in the shower?"
She couldn't help but laughed at his comment; pushing the hand Will had the tablets in closer to his mouth.
"Take them and then we'll think about it when you're better."
At least he was lucid and still had his sense of humour about him. Mackenzie set about changing the bed sheets as much as she could as Will made his way to the shower. Desperately hoping that they could get his temperature under control before it went to the level where they had to worry.
v
She couldn't get the feel of Brian off her; she was starting to think that guilt was a physical condition that she could feel running through her veins. The moment that he started to kiss her and she had no idea why she had gone over there. Was it from his rejection? The break up had hit her hard, she had always been the one to end a relationship, as soon as it came to the stage that commitment started to get involved she left.
But having Brian get in there before she had the opportunity threw her off guard, she didn't know how much longer they had lasted and she had been getting to the age where she thought she was going to have to 'settle'.
Locking the door to her apartment securely behind her, she put her keys on the side table but had little interest in whether they made it into the dish they typically lived in. Mackenzie couldn't get the clothes off her back quick enough, her nails snagging the material of her blouse and causing a click. It didn't matter in that moment, she wasn't sure she ever wanted to see the clothes from this night again.
Pressing for the messages that were flashing on her answering machine as she made her way into the bathroom, running the shower as hot as she would be able to stand it.
"You have two new messages…"
Please don't be one from Will. Mac wasn't sure if she could take it right now.
"Mackenzie, it's your mother…"
She could deal with that, she would listen to it tomorrow morning when her mind was making more sense and she didn't have to deal with guilt mixed in with mojitos.
Just as she was about to step into the shower, the next message filled the walls of her apartment and she couldn't help but sit in the bottom of the shower until she was about to fall asleep.
"Mac, it's Will. I know it's close to 1am and we said that we would go back to our own places tonight but I found some… I'm not going to lie; it just feels weird not having you around. But you're obviously asleep and wishing I could shut up so you can stay that way. I'll see you tomorrow."
vi
Mackenzie couldn't explain why she kept going back to Brian; the self-hatred that he caused became addictive. She hated herself for doing it in the first place that it was a way to keep it up. Neither of them knew about each other, although it would have been easier to tell Brian about Will than it would have been to do the opposite. Although the guilt was there when she was around Will, it made her appreciate him more, made her more aware of her feelings for him.
Her arms were wrapped tightly around Will as they watched the news stations in the bedroom. It was still relatively early and being a Sunday they had spent most of the day in bed doing crosswords and picking at what food was left in the fridge.
Or at least they were meant to be watching the news stations; her attention was focuses on the Manhattan skyline. She knew Will was watching the screen, his finger flicking the remote between channels. He couldn't even settle on ACN news, he kept changing to FOX, CNN and so on, only listening to coverage for a segment before he got frustrated with the host and had to listen to another 'idiot'.
"My parents want to meet us again for dinner some time this week."
She heard what sounded like a mumble of agreement before he put the remote down next to him and started to play with her hair. Slowly wrapping a strand around his finger but never putting any pressure on her scalp.
"They really like you."
"Maybe I should be careful, they'll have you picking out a wedding dress and china patterns soon. Or asking when you'll finally be making them grandparents."
She could feel her back tense up at the implication, although Will was the only person that hadn't caused her to run to the hills yet, she needed to sort out her life before they got to that phase.
vii
Mac knew they were getting towards the point of no return. Will had asked her to move in with him two months previously and that night she went around Brian's and broke off the affair. She made him promise never to ring her again and she told him that if she even saw a glimpse of him, she would hunt him down and hurt him.
But it was worse, she thought breaking off the affair would help her process, she couldn't even explain why she had started sleeping with Brian again but it did explain one thing to her. She knew what love was.
However, Mac couldn't carry on living the lie, she couldn't carry on acting like she hadn't cheated when marriage comments were getting dropped in and he kept mentioning trips to Tiffany's. She wasn't oblivious to where this was going and asking if they could meet her parents over the next week or so. Trust him to be the traditional but she knew her father wouldn't say no. Anything to see Mackenzie walk up the aisle and start having children.
"Will, we need to talk."
Mackenzie had been home first, Will had some meeting over ratings which she couldn't care less about at the moment. She had spent the last hour and a half thinking what was the best way to broach the subject. She thought about making a big dinner and then telling him but she hated the idea of getting his hopes up for a nice night just to shatter it to pieces.
"What is it, what's wrong?"
Oh Jesus, she could feel herself on the verge of tears already; he was worried something was wrong with her. Maybe there something was because she knew in the pit of her stomach that the moment the confession left her mouth they were finished. Why did she feel the need to constantly fuck relationships up?
Taking a deep breath, she tipped her head up to look at him, biting down on her lower lip. Willing herself to tell him but at the same time willing herself to shut up and push down the need to tell him.
"I slept with Brian." She wished she hadn't looked at him in that moment, he looked like his world had just collapsed around him and he was the only man left in the world to deal with the pain and sorrow.
"About four months ago." A part of her was waiting for him to say something, she wanted him to yell at her, tell her that she was stupid and what a dreadful thing she had done. Except there was silence and she couldn't sit there and deal with it, she had to fill it and hope that she could salvage something. "He rang up and basically asked me to crawl into bed with him and I was drunk enough to do it. I know that's no excuse and I felt so bad but I kept going back but it didn't last long. I finished it as soon as you asked me to move in with you."
"Why did you do it?"
Mackenzie slowly shook her head, how was she meant to explain to him something she didn't really know herself.
"I needed confirmation of what I felt for you."
"That's bullshit Mac."
"It's not… well it is. I don't know what compelled me to do it; I don't know what made me go over there that night. But it gave me a lot of clarity over us, where I wanted us to go."
"We can't, how can I trust you after you've fucked another man? Your ex as well, not just some random stranger that you met at a bar, something that you had a past with."
"I love you, it made me realize I love you."
"It's not enough. Saying that doesn't just make everything automatically better."