Impossible Chapter 1
Why? Someone please just tell me why!
I often found myself screaming that one word in my head over and over again, I guess that it was easy to see that something was troubling me because every time I would think about it I always heard Donnie's voice in the distance before it got louder and louder.
"Raph! Earth to Raphael" I found myself shaking my head against that comment before I turned my head to look at the one person I knew that voice belonged to.
Beside me I saw Mikey looking at me as if I had been in some kind of trance and truth be told that never happened to me. I was the one out of my brothers to always push away my thoughts to moments when I would be alone, the one to space out like this would normally be Donatello and not me.
"Are you okay Raph?" I heard Donnie say not to long after Mikey's comment, I found myself letting out a sigh before I turned to look at Donnie.
"I'm just fine Donnie. Why are ya asking?" I responded casually but I could see from the look on his face that he didn't believe a word I've just told him.
"Because I've been trying to talk to you for the past 15 minutes and that's not like you at all" I knew he had a point there, normally it didn't take much to get my attention in a conversation but lately all these thoughts have been going through my head like an annoying song that you just can't get out of your head. But as strange as it sounds I actually enjoy some of these thoughts more than I know I should. In fact I shouldn't be enjoying them at all.
"Oh is that so? Well what did ya want?" I said as if there really were nothing wrong.
That's what separates me from my brothers, I'm way better at putting on a face to hide my true feelings and for these 16 years that I've known them it have always seemed to help. There have been a lot of times where I would be bothered by something but still not willing to talk about it and just putting on a face and saying that nothing is wrong have always helped, heck sometimes it even helped with Master Splinter.
"It's almost time for our morning training but I've been doing some research and since both Mikey and Leo already know about the results I was wondering if you wanted to know as well" That answer took me by surprise, normally Donnie would let everyone know if he would do any type of research but then again he might have told me at some point but I didn't listen to him.
"Normally I would say no but in this case I'll say yes" And it was true, normally I never cared about the research Donnie did. In fact I didn't care what he did at all, as long as he was careful. Even if I didn't let it show I cared more about my brothers then about my very own life. If my brothers were alive and well I could care less what happened to me.
The moment I saw Donnie get up from the chair I stood up as well, Donnie might be the smartest out of the four of us but he is terrible at hiding his feelings. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes just screamed happiness.
I wonder if you even know how easy you are to read Donnie.
I found myself mentally state that before I put away the dishes from the small breakfast I had eaten, I know that eating before training is very important but lately I haven't been feeling hungry at all. It's like all my daily needs get pushed away by these thoughts and feelings of mine. I haven't slept for who knows how long and I know for sure that it's starting show.
Soon enough I found myself in Donnie's lab, staring at his laptop but what was written on it were something I thought I would never see.
What he was showing me were different documents of me, Leonardo, Michelangelo and himself. And written on the bottom of the document was that the four of us weren't even related by blood, we all came from different families originally.
It shocked me no doubt about that but deep inside of me I felt happy, probably way to happy for my liking. That meant that these feelings I have wouldn't be a problem? It wouldn't be seen as a disgrace?
I just wanted to break this face I had put up and smile, I normally never smiled so my brothers could see and a part of me kept it like this. No matter how happy I felt at the moment my habit of keeping up a face was still there and I had the look on my face that gave out nothing.
"So in short none of us are really brothers?" I soon enough found myself saying just to break this silence.
"Right, we have been raised to be brothers but in truth we are not brothers by blood" I heard Donnie say and the words being, raised as brothers, still hung in the back of my head. That's what the four of us were, brothers. I felt my heart sink in my chest thinking that to myself and who knows what might happen if my secret feelings came out.
I was too scared to even think that.
I should just keep this act of mine up, it have worked for a whole year. Who says I can't keep going?
I let out a sigh without realizing it and that made Donnie turn away from his laptop to look at me, I could see the concern in his eyes but he didn't have to be worried about me with this matter. I just hope this crush would go away soon.
"What's wrong? And don't go around saying nothing is wrong, I can tell that something is bothering you" I heard how serious he sounded, he really wanted to know but I couldn't let anyone know. This is my secret and I'm planning on keeping it that way.
"I'm just tired and hearing that we're not blood related brothers is quite a shock to take in" I said as I turned around and headed for the door.
I then heard Donnie sigh in defeat, he like the others knew how pointless it was to try and force me to tell them things that were bothering me. I know that I should let them know but it's not so easy, at least not this matter.
The moment I stepped out of Donnie's lab I saw both Mikey and Leo make their way to the dojo as our morning training would soon begin.
Before I fully walked out I let Donnie know and it didn't take long before I heard a few crashing noises from his lab as he was getting ready to join the rest of us.
The moment I walked into the dojo I could feel Master Splinter's eyes on me as I passed him to sit down on my knees beside Mikey, I guess he saw the exhausted look on my face because I heard him let out a sigh but I couldn't tell which kind of sigh that was.
Frustration or worry, it was hard to know with Splinter sometimes.
When our morning training ended I heard Splinter's voice telling me to stay behind.
"Someone is in trouble" I heard Mikey say in teasing tone but the moment I let out a small growl he was quick on his feet to get away from me.
When it was only me and Splinter left alone in the dojo I heard him sigh before I heard his footsteps as he made his way over to me.
"What's troubling you my son?" I finally heard him ask after a few minutes of silence and no matter how hard I wanted to tell him I just couldn't.
"Nothing sensei" I responded but I avoided to look him in his eyes.
"If everything is just fine then why do you look so exhausted?" It was no turning back from him I knew that much, when I he wanted answers he sure didn't give up until he got them.
"I haven't been sleeping these past few weeks, I don't know why but I just haven't" I lied to him and heard him sigh in frustration.
"If something is troubling you, you shouldn't keep it to yourself" I heard him start again with one of his lesions and to be honest I didn't listen to him this time either.
"I know" I just stated before I walked out of the dojo, I knew he wasn't done talking to me but the exhaustion had really gotten to me.
When I got out I heard Mikey go on and on about me being in some kind of trouble and for the first time in a long time I just ignored him and made my way over to my room.
Everyone was trying to get my attention but I didn't listen and when my door slammed shut I heard how they all got quiet, they knew better then to push my buttons. And I knew that was something they didn't want to do.
The moment I laid down on my bed it was as if my eyelids were too heavy because within minutes after my eyes closed I drifted off into a deep and much needed sleep.
:: A small note to those who wonder what - that line means it simply means that I'm skipping a few hours in time. When I'm planning on skipping days, weeks or months I'll write that instead. This is my first time writing a TMNT fanfiction, if I could improve in some way please let me know. ::