Catch 'em All

by Onion Sword

Saturday night was when it went down. I didn't know what to do, so I texted my roommate, Bert. This is our phone log.

Bert, you're the only person who would understand what I'm going through right now. I need to ask you about something.

Bert: Sup dude?

Okay, last night, I hooked up with a girl and she told me her nickname is… Squirtle.

Bert: Omg what? What happened?

She Squirtled all over me! I guess my question is, how do I know she didn't just... Togepi on me?

Bert: Lol okay. Well if it was urine you would have smelled it, so you're probably good on that. Do you feel happy or sad about this?

Idk. A mix between violated and proud of myself.

Bert: Hell yeah you're proud of yourself! You fucked a pokemon.

Huh. You're right, I hadn't thought of it that way.

Bert: Now go out and catch 'em all! Show 'em how great your balls are.

Ha okay. If you want to hit that after me, a little Weedle do the trick.

Bert: I'd just turn on the Charmander pants would fall off.

Yeah, I was like, "Let's go skinny dipping so I can take a Pikachu."

Bert: If she wasn't feeling it you could just Gyrados of roofies.

RoHypnol? Yeah I'd Beedrillin it all night.

Bert: You could put it in her Butterfree.

I didn't have any condoms, so I told her, "I Nidoran to the store before you can Rhydon this."

Bert: Man you're making this look Eevee.

Unfortunately that skank gave me a nasty case of Krabbys. I had to Zapdos with a special shampoo.

Bert: Haha that made me start Koffing. Yeah dude, you gotta eRaticate those pretty quick.

Wanna know the best part?

Bert: What?

She said I could Muk in her Meowth.

Bert: Duh, that Ho-oh you for making her Blastoise.

Yeah, she told me Omastar.

Bert: I would Electabuzzt on her tits.

I did, dude! I Tauros bitches up. I said to her, "Omanyte you with my crabhammer,"

and I dubbed her Lady Lickitung.

Bert: Why?

Because she was like, "I'm gonna riMew."

Bert: Really?

Yeah! So I said, "I'll riMewtwo, gurl," and we 96'd.

Bert: That was Onixpected. So you feel good?

Yeah, I feel much better. Thanks.

Bert: No problem.

(Some talented artist,

Please turn this conversation into an image, complete with pokemon replacing their names and everything. Maybe in a texting format. Unless that's too... Farfetch'd. Best link goes in these parentheses.

Love,

Xian)