November 18
"My brother dragged me to fucking therapy like I'm some sort of psychotic
bastard. I'll just be thrown into the nut house If I actually told her what I do every day. I told her that I was kidnapped when she asked why I was legally dead. She says that I need to write down my feelings in a god damn journal. I normally would just blow it off, but Sammy just gives me that look. Like he knows that I am blowing something off and he is disappointed with me. God damn. I don't even know where to start. You know what, fuck this thing.
Sammy won't let me have a drink until I have written at least a page. Why
am I even listening to him? He says to start from the beginning, but I'm not going to dramatically tell my whole life story. My mom was killed by a yellow eyed demon, and my dad raised us on the road while he went out to get revenge. There, childhood. Fuck this thing. I don't have to do what my baby brother says."
November 20
"So when Cas showed up yesterday, Sam was complaining about how I
needed to do what Dr. Oswald told me to do. What does she know, she's still a freaking nanny. Cas did one of those weird things where he slowly walks to me and doesn't blink and gives me orders. "Dean, you need to do what Sam suggests. It will help you" and then he fucking poofs away like the magical dick he is. Every time he does that I want to go after him, find out where he goes when he's not with us. He said he doesn't want to go back to Heaven. He says he can't go back or else he might kill himself. Why did that bother me? I've lost so many people, what's one more? He's betrayed us, he's been an overall dick to us, why do we even talk to him? Sam gives me the same look he used to give me when I went into my room with a girl every time Cas shows up. It's not like he is my boyfriend or anything. I'm not gay, I've slept with more girls than any other guy I know. But Balthazar and Crowley and just about everyone else on the planet think we are a fucking couple. I know he likes me, but I don't know why? An Angel of The Lord and a fucking worthless human would never work. I've killed so many people I could have saved with just a couple lines of Latin, but I enjoy the feeling of a blade slipping through flesh, or am just used to it. How could a righteous man feel that way? The point is, I don't deserve to be with Cas. Not that I would want to be with a man anyway. "
Entry 3: November 24
"I walked out before I even started. I went to go pick up a girl at the bar and I found a hot one. We started talking, and the usual happened. She took me back to her apartment and we got into the shower. All was going well, except right before I slipped the condom on I saw her give me the god damn puppy eyes and I froze. Her blue eyes were the fucking same color as Cas' eyes, like my balls are now. I should just stop being a teenage girl about it with and talk to the guy, but then he would do the god damn puppy eyes. Any time I say something that he takes as offensive he looks like I just ripped his heart out. Then I feel bad. I want to tell him that we'll make it through and shit, but that would violate rule #2. No chick flick moments. Maybe I should. If I did that than maybe he would"
"Hello Dean" the angel said. His voice was like gravel and whiskey. Dean
whipped around, making a long line on the notebook. "I see you are following the suggestion of your brother and Dr. Oswald. I have known her for a long time. We first met in Victorian.."
"Why are you here, Cas?" Dean interrupted, upset that he couldn't get any privacy.
Cas' expression changed ever so slightly to a small frown, and Dean noticed every muscle move. "You know what Cas, don't answer that question. I need some time alone." Cas opened his mouth to protest, but decided to do as he was told.
"He just showed up in my room. An angel just showed up in my room, and I'm
not wearing any fucking pants. I need a drink."
December 17
"I had another appointment with Dr. Oswald and almost ditched. Sam was
looking at me funny all morning, like he knew I was planning to just drive past and go get some beer, and then the bastard made me take him with. I drove by and Sammy just gave me that look again. God damn did I feel guilty, so I turned around and went in. Can't say I don't care about him. I have to admit, Dr. Oswald is pretty hot. We were talking about my life, and then we were talking about hers. She said she became a doctor because her best friend was a doctor. She was talking about him so highly I thought he was her guy, but I asked for her number anyway. She looked like she had seen a ghost. I know that expression. 'Dr. Oswald?' She apologized and just said that she thought that Cas and I were together. It took everything in me not to just walk out of that fucking room. I finished up the hell Sam calls therapy and got the fuck out of there. Without waiting for Sam to ask questions, I got in the car and drove. I got home and Cas was waiting for me. He plunged his motherfucking hand into my stomach, and did some weird angel thing. It didn't feel bad at all. It felt like pure good. Sam was ready to cut a bitch, but I called him off. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and drank my confusion away."
"I apologize, Dean." His presence was known well before that by the familiar sound of
flapping wings. Dean was too furious to turn around.
"What the hell did you do to me?" The frown was evident in Castiels voice when he spoke.
"Dean, I simply was helping." His words came out as if each one could betray him at any time. Dean sighed and turned around.
"You plunged your hand into me!" the hunter shouted. "What the hell did you do to me? And don't give me another one of your bullshit answers like you normally give. I need something straightforward." Cas had a look Dean had never seen before. His eyes were wide and his jaw tight. The Warrior of God was afraid. Not afraid of pain, no. He is used to bleeding for the Winchesters, and is used to doing it too. He was afraid that this time Dean wouldn't forgive him.
"I gave you some of my grace in an attempt to heal your emotional distress." Dean stared at him. He got out of his chair and walked to Cas. He grabbed the vessel by the collar and kissed him. His lips were soft, and their stubble brushed against their faces. Cas was surprised, then melted into Dean. It was just how they dreamed. Sam walked into the room to tell them about a case, saw the men and shook his head.
"About time." He muttered as he walked away to give them privacy.
December 24
" Today I taught Cas how we celebrate Christmas. We watched 'How The
Grinch Stole Christmas'. He didn't understand how an idea can be stolen. Next we watched 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' which is more of a Halloween movie, but whatever. We decorated the tree, roasted hazelnuts, hung stockings, and made it the cheesiest fucking Christmas ever. We went to go see the street that had every house covered in lights. Cas was whining about the misrepresentation of angels, so I leaned in to kiss him. That's when it happened.
I heard three rounds go off, and felt something in my chest. I knew I had been
shot. I opened my eyes and glass was everywhere, and blood covered the leather seats. I looked down at my chest, and saw that Cas' fist was there, not bullet holes. He was giving me all his grace. He thought I had been shot and was trying to protect me. I looked over at him and saw his heart was pierced. There was no way he would survive this. I tried to give his grace back, I tried to heal it with him, but I didn't know how. I felt the essence darting around my skin, removing the shards of glass. I begged it to stop, I begged it to bring Cas back to me. As I held the vessel of my best friend, no, my boyfriend, no grace came onto his body, only tears."
Dean looked up from his notebook. He had found one of Bobby's friends that
would do a burial ceremony for Cas, and the man was quite confused. He knew something was wrong, more wrong than the normal amount of wrong someone felt after knowing Bobby for a while. He just frowned and continued. Dean couldn't listen to him. It felt like he was underwater, his movements hard to make and noises hollow. He didn't feel like this when Bobby or Dad died, he was just angry then. He was actually depressed. He felt empty and heavy, dark in his head fighting with the blinding light of the foggy day. The coffin Sam had picked out for him was a simple one, they couldn't afford much. Dean had payed extra for the special symbol on top. It was a golden cross with wings burnt into the wood. "I know how it feels to have your special angel gone mate. It feels empty and lonely and like hell." The man had said. Dean had just walked away. He was snapped back to reality by Sam tapping his shoulder. Dean nodded and walked up to the coffin. He looked at his angel with his eyes closed behind the glass. He held a scrap of cloth in his hands: the belt to the silly trench coat Cas always wore. Memories flooded him, the warehouse, holy fire, honey, Purgatory, and the night Cas said he might kill himself. That was too much for Dean, and he fell over sobbing onto the casket. That man was right, it was empty. It was lonely. And above all, it was Hell. No man alive knows Hell like Dean, and he would rather be back there than feeling what he was feeling right now.