it ain't me.
You should take an aspirin when you get up.
The short buzz from the phone jolts Neji into wide-eyed waking. He looks at his phone and sighs, sinking back into the mattress as he deduces the source of his rude awakening. Neji pinches the bridge of his nose as a mammoth pang fills his frontal lobes. He squints his eyes at the midday light. Hungover.
Neji twists onto his stomach, stuffing his face to the tunnel underneath his pillow. Absently, he feels for the shape of his phone and slides it into the tunnel. He squeezes his eyes almost shut as he clicks the power button.
His past self must have realized this moment was coming—the phone is turned down to its lowest setting. Neji studies the screen, pleased. His past self had the decency to turn on battery saver as well—what a guy.
Neji reads the text—you should take an aspirin when you get up. Neji would raise his eyebrows if it wouldn't cause him mild pain. A clever suggestion, an aspirin. He should do that.
Neji wills himself out of bed and into his bathroom. He blindly goes through the medicine cabinet until he finds the right bottle and pops a few into his mouth. He swallows them all dry, then splashes his face with some water. He feels marginally better after that.
"You should probably stop drinking."
Neji almost rolls his eyes, but refrains. "Do you think I have a drinking problem?" he asks.
Naruto leans across the table, his blue eyes slightly annoyed at his friend's aloofness.
"No, you idiot, I think you have a sad problem."
At this, Neji really does roll his eyes. Naruto, the poet laureate of Japan.
"Listen," Naruto begins with a thoughtful tone, "I'm sure it's been really hard to deal with this. I mean, I'm kind of lucky—I didn't know what I'd lost. But at some point, things have to start getting better."
Naruto gives Neji a level look. "I'm just worried about you, man."
"Don't worry about me. Your concern is ironic—do you realize that? I mean you're the one who suggested we go out last night."
Naruto's face morphs into semi-guilt. "Last night's going out had a purpose. We were celebrating your promotion to partner!"
"Naruto, it's not like I got wasted. I got home fine by myself."
"Didn't she talk to you the whole way there on the phone so that you really did get home 'fine by yourself'?" Naruto throws up obnoxious air quotes to prove some ambiguous point.
Neji eyes him.
"So what if she did? What does that have to do with anything?"
Naruto raises one blond eyebrow. "All I'm saying is that a girl with a boyfriend probably has better things to do than talk to some drunk to make sure he gets home safe."
"I'm not a drunk," Neji replies crisply, taking a sip of his coffee. "And she called me for the record. You know I despise talking on the phone."
Naruto waves his hand in the air, as if he's trying to swat away imaginary flies. "This is all beside the point. Why don't you just talk to me about it?"
Neji looks away, out to the street. It's started to snow again. Neji says, "There's nothing to talk about."
During the worst summer of his life, Neji developed a taste for gin. He never thought he would like a drink that was sweeter than other liquor, like gin tonic—but something about it kept him fairly inebriated throughout the course of the summer.
Neji did not believe he was an alcoholic. Neji believed he was in mourning, and processing his grief through the only acceptable way he could fathom—drinking.
Most of his friends didn't really notice until autumn that something was happening. But by then, Neji had largely developed a system for keeping his grief away from everyone's prying eyes. The only people who had the gall to mention it were Naruto and Tenten—albeit with different approaches.
Naruto pestered and prodded and poked his nose into Neji's business. He showed up at his house, took him to coffee, called him at work, and overall inserted himself into Neji's personal life at all possible moments.
Tenten was subtler.
"Hi, do you want to get lunch at that ramen stand down the street from the shoe store?"
The background noise of her office is loud and buzzy. Neji has always wondered what it would be like to work at a building like Tenten's. Everything seemed so light, compared to his dark wood, private office at the law firm.
"Alright," he says, checking his watch.
"In fifteen? I'm really hungry."
"Alright," Neji says again. "I'll meet you there."
"No, I'm already heading out. I'll meet you at your office and we can walk there together."
"Tenten, that's unnecessary—," Neji begins, but he hears the click of the call ending and sighs.
He closes files of cases open for review and sets his computer to sleep. As he rises from his chair, he sees her through the glass door of his office. She greets the receptionist with a polite smile and says something.
Neji grabs his coat from the hook by the door and exits.
She is dressed warmly for the winter weather, in a scarf and heeled boots. Her coat stops at her knees. Her stockings are almost the same brown as her hair.
"Hello," she says in her cheery voice.
Neji nods to the receptionist and tells her he'll be back in about an hour. Tenten holds the outer door open, and they walk to the elevator.
"You didn't have to come all the way here," Neji says, once they are enclosed in the quiet of the elevator.
Tenten shrugs but says nothing. As they exit the elevator and head out to the lobby, she finally replies, "What's the point of working across the street from your friend if you can't walk with them to lunch at a ramen stand down the street?"
Neji's lips tug towards a smile.
They brace themselves as they enter the frigid outdoors. They walk briskly, not speaking, intent on the warmth of the ramen shop. When they arrive, they only wait about five minutes before two seats open.
"So," Tenten begins, rearranging her scarf, "how's life?"
Neji sighs. "Do you realize that you always ask me the same question every time we eat for lunch?"
Tenten raises an eyebrow. "Are you telling me I'm being monotonous? Do I need to spice it up a little? I can do that."
"Tell me about your life," Neji says, knowing that Tenten will let him off the hook this time. She always does.
"Do you think I'll always only ever be a customer service rep? I just feel like I'm wasting away at my job—and I don't make nearly enough money. . ."
Neji watches Tenten as she talks through slurping her ramen, listening. These are the times he feels most like himself, before that day. He always finds himself wishing that every day could be like the one hour he has with Tenten.
They have known each other since middle school, but friendship didn't develop until their first year of college. They were in the same peer group for one of their classes, so they saw a lot of each other. Neji doesn't even remember how they fell from knowing each other to knowing each other. There was just . . . an understanding.
When Neji got into law school, Tenten was the first to congratulate him—being that she was nosily reading over his shoulder when he got the notice.
When Tenten started dating Lee, Neji was the one that heard her stress over every indecipherable text or emoji.
Tenten was the first person Neji told when his father unexpectedly died last summer. She brought him food every day for two weeks, because she knew Neji wouldn't eat unless forced.
She looked out for him, and in his way, he looked out for her.
"You should come over some night this week. I need you to look at this contract I'm supposed to sign," Tenten says as they walk back to work.
Neji smiles lightly. Tenten wasn't flighty, but her personality demanded constant possibilities. She always had her eggs in more than one basket.
This new venture was being an apprentice to a woodworker in Kobe. Neji doubted she would go.
"You haven't spoken about Lee this afternoon," Neji says, realizing the absence from the conversation. "How is he?"
"He's fine. Doing the karate circuit in China this month. He's been pretty busy, so we haven't talked really."
Neji notes the distant tone in her voice, but assumes their relationship is fine. She would have mentioned something.
"I think I might go visit in a couple of weeks," she says.
"I think that could be a good vacation."
Tenten nods. She catches Neji's eye and smiles happily. "You'll come look at that contract tomorrow night?"
"Sure."
Tenten grasps his gloved hand with her mittened one and squeezes in brief thanks. Neji likes the sure grip of her fingers. "See you," she says, trotting across the street to her office building.
Neji waits until she disappears into the depths of her building.
That night, in his home, Neji drinks himself into a stupor. His phone seems to act of its own accord as it presses buttons and raises itself to his ear. The phone rings and rings and Neji forces the phone away to end the call, but then a voice sleepily says, "Neji? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Neji whispers. He gets quieter when alcohol is in his system, subdued rather than his usual alertness. "I was just thinking about how when I was six, my dad took me to an airshow. It was in the spring, and they had rolled all these planes from World War II out of hangars. And one of the pilots let me sit in the cockpit of one of these old planes and act like I was doing tricks in the air. I wasn't, but it felt like it. My dad was in the cockpit behind me, and he kept telling me to swerve right, then swerve left. That was a great day."
"That does sound like a great day for an antisocial six-year-old," Tenten chuckles. She sounds more awake now, her voice clear.
Neji sighs. "I wasn't antisocial. I was private."
Tenten laughs again. "What six-year-old's do you know that are private?"
Neji considers this for a long while until he hears noise on Tenten's end of the phone. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Well, I was sleeping before you inconsiderately called me in the middle of the night," Tenten answers.
"I can hang up," Neji offers.
"It's okay. I'm awake now. Tell me about another memory you have with your dad."
Neji thinks for a moment before he begins telling her about a camping trip he and his dad took a few years ago. By the time he finishes his story, there is a light knock on his front door.
"Hold on, someone's at the door," Neji says, standing and shuffling through the kitchen to answer it.
Tenten peers up at him with a smile on her face. For some reason, Neji is not very surprised to realize it is her. He says into the phone, "When did you get here?"
Tenten easily takes the phone from his hand and ends the call, pushing her way inside.
Neji retells stories from his childhood until almost dawn. He wanted to make another drink around four, but Tenten said he had run out. Neji considered it a miracle, because he usually was careful to keep his kitchen well-stocked for nights such as tonight. But alas, it must have slipped his mind.
He finally falls asleep on the couch around six, in the middle of avowing how useful his leather briefcase is that his father got him for law school graduation.
When he wakes up four hours later, he is covered in a blanket, and his house smells faintly of all-purpose cleaner. The curtains are all drawn, and the room is dark, though Neji can make out that it is sunny outside.
"Are you hungry?" comes a soft voice from the kitchen.
Honestly, Neji feels slightly sick to his stomach. But instead of waiting for an answer, Tenten brings him a bowl of umeboshi. He stuffs one into his mouth and chews; it makes him feel a little better.
Tenten makes him shower and change clothes. When he comes back into the living room, the curtains are all pulled aside. Light floods the room and it hurts Neji's eyes, making his head throb.
Tenten waits for Neji to sit down next to her on the couch before she starts. "I know that you're grieving. You and your dad were really close—processing the loss of a person like that . . . I know you can't just move on from that. You need time to figure out how to live your life without him. But Neji—becoming an alcoholic and living like you are—it's unhealthy. So, I need you to agree to some rules."
Tenten takes a breath and eyes him. "Rule number one: no more alcohol in your apartment. You can go drink with Naruto or people from work or with me, but you can't drink by yourself. You're just putting yourself in a place that could be dangerous. Rule number two: I want you to go visit your dad's gravestone. Just go talk to him. I can go with you if you want. It doesn't have to be every day, but you should go at least once a week. He's the one you share these memories with—it seems right that you should go tell him how much you're thinking of him. And I think it could help you too. And lastly, you need to spend time with other people. Being by yourself all the time—it's not good for you, being trapped by all of those memories."
Neji says nothing, Tenten waiting expectantly.
"You don't have to be concerned about me," he finally says, barely above a whisper.
Tenten props her head in her hand, turning to look at him fully. Her eyes are shadowed and bloodshot.
"I shouldn't have called you last night. I'm sorry," he says, feeling a twinge of guilt.
"Neji—don't be stupid. I'm glad you called me. Nobody should have to be sad like this alone."
Neji rolls his eyes. "You sound like Naruto."
Tenten puts a hand on his arm. "We're your friends. We care about you. We want you to be well. Whatever it takes to make sure that happens, we'll do it. But you gotta work with us too, Neji."
"I don't need you to take care of me," Neji replies defensively. "I'm an adult. You're not my mom—you're not my girlfriend. If you're trying to be some kind of savior, I don't need you."
Tenten draws back her hand, hurt in her eyes. Her lips form a tight smile. "All I'm trying to be is your friend. Whether you think you need one or not."
Neji looks away from her. After a few beats of silence, Tenten stands and slips on her shoes by the door. She leaves without a goodbye.
- two weeks later -
They say on the news that today is the coldest day of the year. The sky is a perfect cloudless gray-blue, and the wind chill makes Neji feel like he's a ghost for all the good his layers of clothing do.
The rows of polished granite stones loom above him. Many have flower arrangements, though most of the flowers have died in the cold.
He moves slowly through the tight, tidy rows until reaching a back-row corner. His family's plot. Near the top, Neji's own name is still painted red, denoting his existence. His father and his mother's name are both the same gray as the stone.
Neji sets down his grocery bag and begins assembling its contents. He sweeps away dead leaves and debris with a cloth, before pouring out water to begin polishing the stone. He places fresh flowers in the gravestone's vase and kneels, bowing.
He looks up at their names, written so cleanly on the stone, and he is at a loss for what to say. It is only the second time he has visited since his father died—the thought of coming seemed too painful to bear.
"I'm sorry for waiting so long to come and visit. I don't have a good excuse, I just—I've missed you. A lot. And it hurts to think about you," Neji pauses, shifting his weight. "I haven't been doing so well, Father. I—all I want to do is drink so that I don't have to feel the weight of you being gone. I've been rude to Tenten and Naruto—if you were here, I'm sure you would be very upset with my choices lately.
"She hasn't talked to me in weeks. And it's my fault—I know that. But it's not her job to make sure I'm okay. I can take care of myself."
Neji blinks and glances at the sky. A flock of black birds fly overhead.
"I know what you would say—that friends and family are there to walk the difficult roads with you. But how can I let go enough of this sadness to do that? I can't be a burden to them."
Neji scratches the back of his neck, sighs. He bows deeply, his forehead almost touching his knees.
"Dad, I'm sorry I miss you so much. I'm sorry I'm living unhealthy. Would you please help me through this?"
Wind sweeps through the rows of graves and Neji shivers as he stands. He gathers his things, bows once more, and leaves the cemetery.
- five months later -
"Let's go to karaoke."
Neji swiftly shakes his head. "No," he tells Naruto firmly.
The blond pouts. "Why not? We haven't done anything fun in ages."
"Going to a karaoke bar is not fun. It's embarrassing," Neji replies.
Naruto purses his lips. "Come on. A bunch of our friends will be there. We already ate—we'll just get a couple of drinks and go see everyone. You haven't seen everybody in months."
Neji sighs—this was part of the deal he made with himself, part of the deal he should have taken Tenten up on. Socializing.
"Fine."
Naruto grins and hurriedly pays their tab. He ushers Neji out into the mild summer night, jabbering on.
They walk a few blocks to reach the bar, and when they walk inside, Neji is surprised to see most of the people gathered are his friends.
"What is this?" he asks Naruto, grabbing the shorter man's shoulder.
"A birthday party," Naruto mutters. His answer is drowned out as shouts of "Happy birthday!" ring out in the small lobby.
Neji forces a smile, though his grip on Naruto's shoulder tightens. The blond laughs and shrugs out of Neji's grip.
"Okay, let's party!" Naruto says.
Naruto moves toward one of the bigger party rooms towards the back, and most of the party attendees follow, drinks already in their hands.
Neji turns to the bar. He will need something if he's going to endure this party.
Neji is waiting for the attendant to pour his beer into a glass, when an arm brushes his. Tenten smiles up at him, a glass of whiskey in her hand. "Happy birthday," she says.
Neji accepts his glass and turns to her. He's only seen her in passing a couple of times over the last six months. They haven't spoken to each other since that morning last winter.
Her hair is let down; she's grown it out to past her shoulders. She looks pretty.
"Did you enjoy your surprise?" she asks him, taking a sip of her drink.
"I don't think I need to answer that."
Tenten smirks. "Don't blame Naruto completely. I helped."
Neji considers her. "You didn't need to do that," he finally replies.
She shrugs, running a hand through her hair.
"Well, I figured it would be a nice way to reintroduce myself into your life."
"Are you apologizing?" Neji asks.
Tenten winces. "Do you think I need to?"
"No," Neji says. "But I do."
She meets his eyes steadily, measuring him up.
Neji sighs. "I'm sorry for . . . everything I said last time." Neji takes a breath to say more—but he can't think of how to put it into words.
Tenten smiles. "You're forgiven. I know I can be pushy."
She grasps his hand and pulls him towards the karaoke room. "Will you sing a duet with me?"
"Not a chance."
Several hours later, after countless renditions of "Kimi to Itsumademo" and American pop songs, the party officially ends. Friends wave goodbye and walk their separate ways. Naruto leaves with some other friends, heading toward another bar. Neji and Tenten glance at each other.
"Let's get coffee," Tenten suggests, starting down the sidewalk.
After a few minutes of walking, Neji finally asks a question that's been on his mind all night: "Where's Lee?"
"Oh, we broke up a while ago," Tenten answers smoothly. "We were just at really different places."
Neji mulls this over.
They find a spacious café that's still open, and Neji snags a seat while Tenten orders. When she comes back, two paper cups in her hands, Neji says, "I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been selfish."
Tenten slides his coffee over to him, her face pensive.
"I give you permission to be a little selfish, considering the circumstances. . . You're still my best friend. You know that, right?"
"Tenten, we're in our late twenties. We're not supposed to have best friends anymore."
"Fine. You're my closest acquaintance. Happy?"
Neji's mouth twitches with a half-smile.
Tenten reaches across the table and takes his hand. Her eyes are bright.
"You seem . . . so much better. How are you really?"
"Good. I'm—I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."
Tenten smiles, and so does Neji.
This shortie was inspired by the song "It Ain't Me." I own no rights to that song, nor the song "Kimi to Itsumademo" which I referenced above. All characters are the creation of Masashi Kishimoto-I have no claim to them.
I hope you enjoyed-please feel free to rate and review.