Closed Eyes

Shawn almost dies, and Jack doesn't know what to say.

The days after the car crash are surreal and blurry, only vaguely registering in Jack's mind. They may or may not be real. He knows that people are resting their hands on his shoulders, saying things to him, speaking softly, comfortingly. The only thing he's really aware of, though, is the feeling of Shawn's hand in his own.

Shawn's eyes are closed, so Jack feels it's his duty to keep his open as long as he can. He clings. He watches. He sees. He breathes. All for Shawn.

"Don't leave me." He whispers, and his voice is strained and hoarse from lack of speaking. It almost hurts, but Jack is scared to let go of Shawn's hand and get a glass of water.

He only leaves Shawn when the nurses tell him to. And even then he's scared to close his eyes because when he does all he can see are Shawn's eyes, closed and fragile looking, the light blue veins on Shawn's eyelids that are clear through his skin.

Jack feels weak because he's not sure that Shawn can right now. He doesn't know if Shawn can feel at all in that dream world of his.

After days without speaking, Jack finally begins to make absurd promises to Shawn, trying to bribe him into opening his eyes. Trying to bribe him to be ok.

The most absurd one has to be, "If you wake up I'll tell you I love you."

The only one to rival it is, "If you open your eyes for me right now I'll kiss you the way you wanted me to before." The way he wouldn't before, but now wishes he had.

"Your eyes are red." Eric tells him. For some reason, Eric's voice is the only one he can really hear.

"Yeah, they are aren't they," Jack says for lack of a better thing to say. He and Eric both nod, but it doesn't really mean anything. Eric just wants Jack to talk, and Jack just wants Eric to stay.

Eric holds one of Jack's hands, while Jack continues holding Shawn's with his other.

Jack makes a promise to himself that if Shawn wakes up he'll make sure Eric and Shawn learn to love each other the way he loves both of them. He wants them to feel the same ache he does; the one that tells him he couldn't possibly live without both of them.

"Jack, go to sleep." Eric says, quietly, and Jack mumbles something about being impressed with Eric, but it doesn't come out quite right because of the yawn and the fact that his brain isn't working right. He desperately wants to tell Eric that he's being so perfect, so gentle. He wants to tell him that he thinks he's wonderful, and smart, and he's the only one who will really put up with him always.

"Go to sleep." Eric repeats calmly.

"I can't. His—my—eyes."

"I'll keep them open for you."

Eric never lets go of Jack's hand, and it follows Jack through his dreams.

Even though Jack's dreams have nothing to do with what's going on—it's more a combination of insignificant things coming together to create a strange dream. Things like seeing a nurse walk into the room briefly, the flowers and balloons and cards on the windowsill that Angela sent and Rachel and Topanga brought, Cory coming by to visit almost as often as Jack—Eric is always by his side, holding his hand.

Cory's there a lot, almost constantly, on the other side of Shawn, so it's like a whole world away from Jack where Cory can see a half of Shawn that he can't. He's sometimes aware of Cory trying to talk to him, but mostly they're both silent, and Jack barely wonders what Cory's thinking.

Eric comes and goes, but mostly he comes and stays. He makes sure Jack eats and sleeps, and when Jack sleeps he stays awake for Jack who needs it for Shawn.

The day Shawn wakes up, Jack wishes he'd made more of his stupid promises to himself and Shawn, but he didn't that day. His eyes aren't even open to see Shawn's open. Eric's are though, and he lets go of Jack's hand so he can wake him up, but just the act of letting go of Jack's hand is enough to rouse Jack from sleep.

"Hey."

"Hey." Shawn's voice is so weak, but Jack feels weaker. "I missed you, Jack."

Jack can feel something like tears falling down his cheeks, but Eric wipes them away before Jack can even identify them.

The days that Shawn starts to get better are still blurry for Jack. All these people around when all he wants is to be alone with Shawn. The only person he doesn't mind is Eric, who always seems to be right by his side when he needs him.

He understands Cory, though, who is loved more by Shawn then even Topanga. Cory who loves Shawn more than he loves almost anyone else except maybe Topanga.

Shawn comes home to the apartment finally, and Jack is so relieved when it's empty aside from the three of them—himself, Shawn, and Eric.

A few nights since things have settled down a little, and Jack thinks it's time even though he's scared out of his mind.

"I have to talk to Shawn." Jack tells Eric in their bedroom where Shawn can't hear.

"Well, I sort of figured." Eric says.

Jack stares at him intently.

"Oh, you want me to leave."

"Just for a little while. I just need it to be me and him."

"Yeah, Ok. No, I understand. It's cool."

"I'm not going to leave y--."

Eric's head jerks up, and he looks Jack straight in the eye, and says quickly, "I know. I didn't think you would."

"I love you."

Eric kisses Jack, and for once Jack realizes that Eric's not the one who has to be taken care of. Sometimes Eric really does know what he's doing.

Eric leaves, and Jack has no idea where he's going to go, but that's not the problem right now. He paces the bedroom until he figures out what his first words are going to be.

He walks out of the room three times before he finally walks over to Shawn.

"I feel like it's my fault." Jack confesses to Shawn who's watching TV. His leg's propped up, looking very heavy and uncomfortable in it's cast.

"How could it have been your fault?" Shawn sighs exasperatedly, and shuts off the TV.

"If you hadn't been upset because of me when you were driving—or if I'd just...if I'd just..."

"If you'd just what?"
Jack kisses Shawn, since he's not really sure how to get the words, "If I'd just kissed you" out of his mouth.

Jack pulls away and continues talking as though Shawn's tongue hadn't just been in his mouth, as though his lips aren't still wet with moisture that isn't just his own, as though Shawn's lips weren't a aren't, wetter, shade of red then they were a few moments before. "If I'd just done that you wouldn't have left, and you wouldn't have gotten into the accident. Shawn, I thought you were gonna die." Jack's voice is full of fear for Shawn and resentment for himself. Maybe the fear's actually a little bit for both of them.

"Jack...Jack..." Shawn says his name over and over, as Jack pulls Shawn into him and presses kisses all over his neck and face and wherever else he can get to. "Jack what about Eric? You love him."

"I know, and I love you too. I can't deal without you. I can't without either of you."

"Ok, ok I can deal with that, as long as I can have this," Shawn sighs and closes his eyes as Jack nibbles on the soft skin of his throat.

"I want the three of us--"

"Ok." Shawn says, "Just keep going. Yes, to it all because I love you, and I like Eric, and if you love him I probably can too. But fuck, Jack, keep fucking going, and don't fucking stop."

Jack promises Shawn that he'll make love to him right there on the couch when his leg's better because he's worried he'll hurt Shawn. Shawn protests and whines, but Jack won't budge because he wants their first time to be perfect, with no worries about broken legs or hearts.

Shawn settles for giving Jack a slow and torturous hand job that makes Jack implode, explode, and any other kind of plode there could possibly be.

Jack offers to do the same for Shawn, but when his hands start to tug Shawn's pants down, Shawn turns his head and blushes fiercely. "I guess just finally seeing it in front of me, instead of in my head, was enough this time."

Jack laughs and kisses Shawn hotly. "Don't ever drive again, please."

"Fine," Shawn laughs, "I won't unless you kiss me before I leave."

Jack curls around Shawn's good side, careful to avoid his leg, and they fall asleep together.

Eric comes in around two in the morning, he stands still and watches them for a minute or so. Both of their eyes are closed. Out of habit, Eric keeps his open for the rest of the night. He takes Jack's hand in one, and Shawn's in the other, and stays very very still.