Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Twilight world…but I do own these words.
Reunion
Jasper squeezes my sweaty hand and I give him a tight smile of appreciation. My heart is racing. I generally roll my eyes at people who say they feel like their heart is about to beat out of their chest. I want to grab their lapels, bring them to eye level and say "Really? Your heart is literally about to burst out of your chest like in Alien? You're going to splatter your internal organs all over this room?" Then I would toss them away from me like I was dismissing them. In my head I'm a massive bitch. In reality I just smile, nod and roll my eyes when they aren't looking.
But right now? Yeah, my heart is literally beating its way out of my chest.
The school hasn't changed even though I have. I left here ten years ago in a flood of tears at the thought of never coming back, of that part of my life being over. Now I would kill a hobo with a duck to be anywhere else.
I check my reflection in the glass doors we are about to walk through. I know I look good but I check myself over for the billionth time. I don't usually feel so confident about how I look. On the whole I don't actually care all that much. I wear make up every day, because my Mom indoctrinated me young. She said that I looked better with a little enhancement, so from the age of fourteen my lashes have been coated in mascara, my cheeks highlighted with blush and my mouth glazed with a variety of colours of lipstick and gloss.
I only know that I look better than normal today because my best friend made sure of it before I left the house. She even loaned me her husband for the night and is waiting patiently for us back at my childhood home.
I wish I had known about all the hair products she used on me tonight back then. The almost constant rain in Forks doesn't do much for hair aesthetics. In fact, it made it look like I had been molested in a hedge most days.
"I'm being melodramatic." I mumble, smoothing my skirt unnecessarily and looking at Jasper apologetically.
"You aren't. I understand. I love you." He tells me, pulling me into a hug.
"I love you too." He smells really good tonight. I really do love him. It's in the most platonic way ever. He and Alice are like the stars and the moon, complimenting each other in the most beautiful way. I've known him longer, since we started college in New York, both of us finding our feet in a scary big city after coming to it from small towns. We're pretty inseparable and I thank God every day that Alice understood our friendship immediately and didn't get jealous like other girlfriends and boyfriends had.
"That's so sweet." A voice interrupts our hug. A voice that I recognise and I pull back from him with a smile, letting a mask drop over my face that commences the performance I might have to put on tonight.
"Hi, Lauren, how are you?" I ask, keeping my voice strong and clear. Something I could never do when I was actually at school with her.
"Bella? Gosh, you look fantastic." She grips my shoulders and kisses both cheeks. Her lips don't make contact with my skin, instead her cheeks are pressed against mine.
"Thank you. So do you."
That's a lie and Jasper bites down a little smirk when he hears it leave my mouth. This performance may not quite be the Oscar winner I was hoping it would be.
I notice a man hanging at Lauren's bare elbow. She obviously decided tonight was the night she was going to play homage to her slutty teenage self because her neck, back, shoulder and arms are exposed in the scrap of dress she was wearing. Time had not been kind to her, and I knew karma was going to kick me in the ass for even thinking that.
"This is Simon, my husband. He's a plastic surgeon, we flew in yesterday from LA."
With a simple sentence she explains her life and everything I see before me makes sense.
Not even thirty and she was 60% plastic already.
"Lovely to meet you." I smile, eager to not be having this conversation. Jasper cups my elbow and moves closer to me. "This is Jasper."
Jasper shakes Simon's hand and suffers a cheek press from Lauren.
"Husband?" I look at Jasper, his wedding ring catching the light and I thumb my borrowed ring, bringing my left hand up I nod shyly. This part of the plan wasn't my idea. Alice was determined that I wasn't going to give anyone an excuse to talk shit about me so she insisted I be "married".
Lauren gives him the once over, her eyes starting at his expensive loafers and moving up his long legs. They don't stop as they drink in his lean but ripped form. I see a little frown when she judges him for having his dirty blonde hair longer than is acceptable to her but she gets lost a little in his blue eyes.
"We should go in. Lovely seeing you again, Bella." She gives us a little wave and her husband obediently trots in behind her.
"She was, well, you were friends with her?"
"No. Not ever. You know the shower scene in Carrie where she gets her period and everyone corners her in the shower and throws tampons at her?"
"Yeah." He looks worried and he has a right to be. I continue, telling him something I neglected to in the past.
"She and her friends re-enacted it one day. Guess who Carrie was?" I grimace and he hugs me.
"What a whore."
"Yep."
X~X~X
In ten years nothing had changed at Forks High. I still knew my way around. I stop by my old locker and try my old number, unsurprised when it doesn't work. I show Jasper around, stopping at places that have a story attached. He knows most of them already. He already knows that I wasn't an outcast and he knows I wasn't a cool kid. I was one of those kids who didn't really click into a social cliché, I had friends from most of the cliques but spent most of my time with kids who were classed as stoners. The ones the jocks branded as losers who wouldn't ever amount to anything. My old friends were the ones who ended up being lawyers, doctors, accountants, executives and other professional type people. The jocks were the ones who never fully appreciated their potential.
All except one.
The one I needed the support from my best friends for. Just in case he came back.
My stomach flips at the thought of him. Images of his fingers in my hair, being wrapped around his hard, young form, his soft lips kissing and whispering, of walking past him in school and both of us pretending the other didn't exist until we were alone in a car with steamed windows flash through my mind. I stagger a little, bumping my shoulder into a locker and Jasper stops to steady me.
He's seen this before. He knows the broken me. He has also met the aforementioned jock when he would visit and we would pick up where we left off, unable to keep our hands off each other. Until I couldn't stop the tears, couldn't stop the chasm that appeared in my soul because I wanted nothing else but him and he appeared to want everything else but me.
"Shit." Jasper cursed. "I knew this was a bad idea."
"No. I'm fine. I'm not this pathetic in real life. You know that, I know that. Life hurts, you deal with it and you move on."
"Want a smoke?"
"Fuck. Yes." We giggle like teenagers, slipping through an open door that leads to the football field.
He sparks the joint, puffing quickly a couple of times before taking a long draw and holding it in his lungs. He hands me the flaming cone and I take my own long pull, enjoying the harsh burn in my lungs when I hold it in for too long. We smoke mainly in silence and I take my shoes off as we walk along the grass. I love the feel of the blades of grass between my toes. I giggle when I explain to Jasper how amazing it feels and realise that we maybe shouldn't have smoked the entire thing because he is always heavy handed when it comes to packing a joint.
Only twenty minutes have passed since we left the building but when we come back the car park is fuller and the noise coming from inside is louder. I square my shoulders, determined to have a good time catching up with the people I actually spent time with back in the day. I'm more relaxed, definitely, but I also want to find the snack table as soon as possible and eat my own weight in party food.
There's a table set up outside the gym, Jessica Stanley glances up as we approach and I realise I forgot to put my shoes back on. I use Jasper to steady myself and slip on the killer heels Alice got me. Jessica watches me lean against Jasper and I pretend I don't notice her checking him out. Lauren has obviously informed her of the relationship. I used to like Jess, she was never a bitch to me and didn't partake in Lauren's Stephen King torture fetish. Honestly, Mallory never had an original thought in her vacant little head. Every time we would hear about how she had taken a dislike to some poor kid we would take bets on what Stephen King scenario she would be inflicting upon them.
"Bella." Her smile is wide and genuine. Like her four kids later ass.
Karma, please forgive me.
"Hi Jess." She hugs me properly and her lips make contact with my cheek. "How are you?"
"Oh, wonderful. Planning this thing here," She gestures to the homemade reunion sign hanging above the doors. "Has kept me super busy and I've been so excited to see people again. Have you seen Lauren?" She arches an eyebrow at me and I snort indelicately.
"Yes. I ran into her. This is Jasper."
"Pleased to meet you." Jessica's face flushes when he addresses her, his Texan accent obviously caressing her in places I don't want to think about.
"Ah, your husband. Congratulations, your father never mentioned it."
"We kept it pretty low key, if you know Bella then you'll know that she isn't one for pomp and circumstance." My jaw drops at Jasper's easy lies.
"Yep, she's always been like that." She fiddles a little with some badges on the table until she finds mine and hands it to me. Jasper has to take it because I'm so consumed with finding his. If his badge is on the table then he isn't here and I don't know whether I'll be relieved or devastated. Jessica sees me searching and comes to her own conclusion.
"He isn't here, he didn't RSVP." I'm a little shocked that she knows who I'm looking for. Her voice drops in sympathy and she picks up his badge to show me. I let out a laugh when I look at the face staring up at me. Yearbook pictures are heinous and this one is no different, but it isn't the one I was looking for,
"Oh, yeah, um, James probably won't come. Last I heard he was working at The Hague and I'm not sure they can live without him."
"James?" Jasper asks.
"High school boyfriend." I explain and toss back the badge.
"What the fuck is going on with your hair here Bells?" He waves my badge in my face and I smack his arm, telling him to fuck the fuck off with a laugh and Jessica watches us with a bemused smile on her face.
"Anyway, here's someone else coming in, so you two have a good night." Jessica dismisses us with a smile and Jasper and I walk through the doors sniggering at each other as he makes fun of my hair back then and I make fun of his face right now.
X~X~X
There must be a website or something out there that has ten easy steps to holding a school/college reunion on it. Every time I see a picture of these things they all look the same and now that I'm at one it dawns on me that this is so generic I might just rip off my own arm and attempt to beat myself to death with it just for shits and giggles. It doesn't help that, after an hour of being in the same gym that held my senior prom, Jasper and I had snuck out the fire escape and smoked another joint.
My skull is full of cotton wool and I would seriously kill someone for a packet of peanut butter cups. I might even sacrifice part of myself for half a cup. Like, I don't need my little fingers. Take them. Give me the chocolate and the peanut butter now, dammit.
I giggle and realise I had just done so out loud as Mike Newton was telling us about his cancer scare. I timed it perfectly to happen just as he mentioned the lump on his testicles.
"Sorry." I clamp my mouth shut and look for Jasper. He left twenty minutes ago, following my directions to the toilets. I spot his hair bobbing above most of the others on the dance floor and realise that he is tripping the light fantastic with Jessica Stanley who is doing her best to follow his crazy dance moves. I squint and realise he is doing the YMCA to Kanye West.
I roll my eyes and cast my gaze across the room, spotting someone I used to hang with all the time. I catch his eye and we beam massive smiles at each other, our smiles and our bodies collide at the halfway mark between our previous spots and he spins me around happily.
"Bella Swan, as I live and breathe." He cups my face and plants a goofy kiss right on my mouth. Jasper manages to zone in on this and raises his eyebrows while I wave him down to let him know I'm fine.
"Riley, Riley, Riley." I shake my head sadly. "You're kissing hasn't improved any over the past ten years anyway." He pretends to be insulted at my joke but is too busy grinning.
"No, but you know what has?" I shake my head. "My stash. Come on, nostalgia trip." He takes my hand and we sneak out through the same fire escape we used to use when we were younger.
"You look amazing, Swan." He takes my hand and we swing them between us as we walk to the back of the gym, heading towards our hard day at school hide out.
"You're looking mighty fine yourself, Ri'." I tell him honestly, when we were kids he was cute but goofy and awkward, now he's confident and it looks like he's realised how to control his limbs.
"Thanks." We grin at each other and he pulls out a pipe. "I was hoping you would be here. Wanted to find out how life was treating you. Oh, and you're married now?"
"Um, not really." I admit, unable to bring myself to lie to Riley. "He's my beard."
"You're gay?" Riley snorts and I laugh.
"No, he's just my cover. His wife wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything anyone can rag on me about."
"Sounds logical." He shrugs. "He'll be a good human shield if you know who comes."
"That was another part of the plan." I admit, Riley being one of the very few who knew about who I was with in high school.
"He is here, by the way." He hands me the packed pipe and I pull the lighter out of his hand when he tells me this. I light the buds and suck as hard as I can and hold it as long as I can because if I don't I'm going to fall to my knees.
"I haven't seen him." I release the smoke into the dark and frigid night. Dropping my head back I stare at the moon and count the stars I can see.
"He arrived just after me, everyone rushed him and then I saw you. Thought I would get you a little stoned to ease the blow."
"I'm already a little stoned." I lean against the rough wall of the building and rub my elbows against it, satisfied by the scratchy pain that I am alive and awake and I'm probably going to see someone who, I realise, still has the power to shatter me into a billion pieces and scatter me to the wind.
"I always thought you two would make it work." Riley whispers, looking away from me. I can't look at him as I reply.
"Yes, secret cheating relationships are known to go the distance Ri', it was a motherfucking fairy tale." He snorts at this and lights a cigarette that I steal from him.
"You were the uncouth and scratchy peanut butter to his smooth and sexy chocolate."
"Oh my god." I groan. "You had to mention those two things? I'd snap you in two to get some of that right now."
I hear him rustling about in his suit jacket and when he pulls out a pack my body involuntarily shivers. He grins at me.
"This is foreplay to you right now, isn't it?"
"Yep. Be glad you don't have room for anything else in that jacket, otherwise I'd be humping your leg." I unwrap them and throw a whole one in my mouth.
"Wow. So, you're like, super sexy to me right now." He intones in a sarcastic Valley girl voice. I grin, the chocolate and peanut butter melting together and coating my teeth. "Marry me, seriously." I punch his arm lightly and he grabs my hand to lead me back to the gym.
"Chin up, Swan. Letting you go? Biggest mistake of his life."
X~X~X
The one that got away. I hate that phrase. It's like I had him trapped and after years of secret burrowing hidden by a Raquel Welch poster he finally made his escape under the cover of darkness. The last part is true, he escaped under the cover of darkness alright. He left me sated and none the wiser, collecting his things in silence and leaving me a note with one word on it. It wasn't even sorry. It was goodbye. I never got the chance to say it back.
What we were doing was wrong on a multitude of levels. The secrecy, the longevity, the lies, the wanton need. All of it was wrong. It was a consuming fire that left me unable to breathe until I ran through it naked. We were naked a lot. We talked too, about everything. He knew what was stored in the most secret places of my head because I never felt the need to hide them from him. I knew him backwards. Looking back, I don't know why we weren't just honest. It would have saved so much hurt if we had just come clean and told everyone we were sorry, but we couldn't be apart.
Instead, he would pretend with Victoria and I would pretend with James.
I guess I never felt like I was good enough for the golden boy of the school. The doctor's son who won the football games and took home an A on every paper and test. I was the police chief's daughter who hung out with the "wrong" people most of the time and who would occasionally take home a B.
He and Riley were friends, and he came with us one day to get high in the woods. I think we were looking for aliens all night in the dark sky. By the morning, even though we were both with other people, we were with each other. That's how it started.
It should have ended when senior prom rolled around and Victoria found out about us. James dumped me and I didn't chase him. Victoria dumped him and he stood for a minute, his gaze flicking between me and the still swinging door as he tried to make a decision. I watched him, allowing my tears to drip from my face and onto my dress, completely still until he sped after her and I fled the room in the opposite direction.
Of course, that wasn't the end. It was two years later when he left in the night, another two years of sneaking around behind Victoria's back.
Three days later I heard that he had married her.
Goodbye sanity, hello devastation.
X~X~X
Riley and I walk into the gym with our arms hooked together, using each other as support because we are laughing hard after I told him about Mike Newton's balls. Jasper grabs my arm and I see the worry in his eyes.
"I'm fine." I pat Jasper's shoulder and dissolve into giggles. Or madness. It's one of them.
"I know. He's here."
"I know."
"I'm going for a smoke seeing as I wasn't invited on your last sojourn." He remarks pointedly and manoeuvres past us. I turn and point at him, catching his attention and making him walk backwards.
"You were too busy YMCA-ing with Jess to even notice I was gone! Love you, Whitlock."
"That woman has some moves! Love you, Swan." He returns, before sliding through the door.
I turn with a laugh and walk straight into someone's chest. My hands grip their waist as I rebound off them and wind myself. It registers with me that this body feels familiar. That my curves settle nicely into his indents. Without looking up I know who it is and I'm glad that this happened when I was laughing and there were already tears in my eyes. His hands take mine and we twine our fingers together in a muscle memory movement that neither of us break. His fingers touch upon the ring on my hand and turn it around my finger.
"So, Jasper, huh?"
I finally look up and all the times I've been this close to his wonderfully bright green eyes decided to PowerPoint themselves at the back of my eyes. His nose has been broken since I saw him last and he looks exhausted by life but he still looks like he should be mine and like I should be kissing him now instead of making small talk. The snap crackle and pop of our connection is still fizzing in our coupled hands.
"Looks like it." I mumble.
"You could do better." I take a step back and drop his hands.
"Like you, you mean? Is your wife with you tonight?" He staggers back like I've slapped him and Riley tries to take me from the corner and onto the dance floor but I steadfastly refuse and await an answer to my question.
"She isn't here." His jaw tenses, like it always used to do when I pissed him off.
"Shame." I turn, and walk towards the door Jasper disappeared behind moments ago.
"Bella, wait." His fingers close around my wrist and I whirl round to face him. Wrenching my wrist from his hand I point into his face.
"Fuck you, Cullen. Fuck. You." Years of pent up grief and longing spill into the words and a relief floods through me when they careen out of my mouth.
I turn and run through the door, straight into Jasper. I let out a shaky sob and he wraps his arms around me, walking us back down to the football field. I kick off my shoes at the edge and wiggle my toes in the grass.
"You handled that really well." Jasper tells me, handing me a lit cigarette.
"Oh, yeah, completely handled myself like a pro back there, Jasper. Women should take note at how to come off like a sane lady."
"I didn't say it was perfect, but it could have been a lot worse."
"I wanted it to be better." I stop us in the middle of the field, flicking my wrap in the air to spread it on the ground before sitting on it. The cold and damp go through it immediately but I'm past caring. I don't think I'll be going back into that gym again. Ever.
"I wanted to be a grown up. I wanted seeing him to not bother me."
"Don't always get what we want though."
"Right, thanks Mick Jagger, I'll bear that in mind." I snark, lying back and pouting at the sky. Jasper lies down quietly beside me and takes my hand. "Let go of my hand, Edward. It's creepy that you followed us down here."
The hand pulls back and I scream out curses to Jasper, wherever the fuck he was he would have heard me and I knew he would just give me a little smug, silent smile which annoyed me further.
"How did you know it was me?"
"You don't feel it?" I raise my hand in the air. "Touch my hand and tell me you don't feel it." He takes my hand and the buzz arrives again. I used to think that if we sat with our hands an inch apart we would see little blue sparks flying between us.
"I've always felt it, I didn't realise you did too." He doesn't let go of my hand and I relent, dropping them down onto the ground. "I shouldn't have said what I did, about Jasper."
"He's not my husband. You probably already knew that."
"Yeah." I hear a lighter and see the darkness illuminate for a moment before the sweet smell of a joint is surrounding us. "Want some?"
"I think I've probably had enough excitement for one day." I'm being as sarcastic as I can. If I'm not then I know that if he says sorry I'll forgive him instantly because I still love him. As frustrating as it is, I know that he is it for me. If I can't have him then I'll never be anyone's.
I sit up and take the joint from him anyway, just to keep him on his toes. I don't inhale deeply and take only a couple of light puffs. My head is already way too foggy and my mouth wants something sweet inside it STAT. Just thinking that makes me think about how much Edward used to love putting stuff in my mouth and I angrily shake the images out of my head.
"Fuck!" I scream. It echoes all around us. "You left me. You absolute bastard. You left me and then you married her."
"I know."
"Why didn't you choose me?" I'm quiet now, almost whispering. It's a question I've pondered for too many years. I look down at my dress, the skirt flared out around me and I cannot look at him.
"You never asked me to." He almost whispers back and my eyes fly to his face.
"What?"
"You never let me know I could choose you." He shrugs. "I wanted you, I wanted to choose you, but you never made me seem like I had a choice. It was that or nothing."
"Shit." I'm crying onto my dress and it's too similar to prom night for my liking. "I never thought you would choose me, that's why I never asked." Epiphanies are wonderful things, but not when it's about something that broke your heart.
"I'm divorcing Victoria."
"Oh."
"I told her I don't love her."
"Oh." I relight the joint and take a big draw this time before handing it back to Edward. He takes it in one hand and touches my face with the other. I let his fingers wander over my face, they ghost over my cheek bones before grazing my nose.
"I've really missed your nose." He slides a finger from between my eyebrows down the length of my nose, flicking up at the end where the slight upturn sits.
I find myself sliding closer to him, my legs either side of his torso and anchoring me to him. We used to sit like this all the time. I allow my fingers to dance across his face too, trying to discern any differences. One of my hands plays with the little triangle of hair at the nape of his neck.
"I've missed your nose too." I admit. "It's different now though."
"A lot of things are different." He winces when I touch his nose. "Victoria broke it recently, it's still tender."
"Oh."
"Could you start saying more than "oh", please?"
"Sorry. I'm, well, you really fucking damaged me and I don't know why I'm sitting here with my legs wrapped around you, caressing your neck and fighting the urge to do more."
"Don't fight it." He grins and I smile. "I've missed you. Every day. I never knew I could choose you, Bella. It hurt too much to not have you properly, that's why I left."
I could have saved so much wasted time by asking him to choose. It seems simple, but back then any time I thought about the ramifications of serving that delicious little ultimatum on a silver platter I always saw the end result being him telling me to go fuck myself and going back to her.
I rest my forehead against his and hug into him, for warmth and because it made me feel like I was content.
"I'm moving to New York. I switched agencies and am going to be dealing with some New York players now. And, I swear to god, if you say "oh" I'll scream."
"You scream like a girl." I snigger, remembering the time he stubbed his toe on my bed.
"Can I see you in New York? Can I take you out on a proper date?"
"I'm not sure." He closes the gap between our mouths and kisses me without preparing me. His lips mould around mine and I twist my head so that I "accidentally" bump his tender nose. He grunts with the sudden pain of it but swipes his tongue across my lips before pulling back.
We stare at each other, me angrily and him pleadingly.
"Please?" I don't know whether he is talking about the date or the kissing. I'm amenable to both but feel like I shouldn't act so easy.
If only I had taken that stance when I was sixteen.
It shocks me at how naturally this comes back to me and how easily I can let go of the past now that I'm in his arms again. We did a horrible thing, but we were amazing together.
"Why did you run after her at the prom?" It's the one question I need to know the answer to before I can answer any of his.
"She was hurt and humiliated."
"I was too."
"Bella." He sighed. "You never told me I could have you." He repeats. "I wanted to take your hand and walk out of there with you but you didn't move, you didn't give any sign that you wanted me to. You stood there looking like you were humiliated that everyone knew that you had been with me."
"Oh."
"Neither of us are to blame, we didn't communicate and because of that we have wasted years without each other. I don't want to continue that. We were kids then and we are adults now. I know I want you, do you want me?"
The silence stretched around us as I pondered my answer. Simple answer was yes, I wanted him and I have never truly wanted anyone else. I've been trying so hard to not act like a victim that I've shut down a part of me, but seeing him tonight has made me realise that it was only ever shut for refurbishment.
After all this time, it was still him.
"Ask me again." I say against his lips.
"Would you like to go on a date with me?" I initiated our kiss this time, opening my mouth to him and being surprised that he tastes a little different now. He still tastes good, but there's something new there too. Like the smell of a barbecue on a summery day. I pull away a little to give him his answer before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him.
"I'll have to ask my pretend husband."
X~X~X
A/N: There you have it, I hope you enjoyed it :D
Leave me a little love if you're review inclined.