A/N I actually think this was the very first story I wrote. Any constructive criticism is welcome but please if you have questions log in or create an account because you make it extremely difficult to reply
Dick Wolf still owns them.
Elliot walked away. From the victims, from his co-workers, his job. He walked away from her and tried so desperately not to look back.
The blood had soaked through to his clothes and stained his skin. Walking into his house, it didn't feel like a home, in a daze he ignored the questions from his wife and headed upstairs.
The shower was hot, scorching. Elliot stepped under the spray and scrubbed. He washed away the blood but the shock; the guilt couldn't be scrubbed away so easily.
He shot a girl, killed a 16 year old girl. She was the same age as his twins and he killed her. He was Jenna shoot 4 people as he went for his gun. Elliot looked up as she swung around and aimed at Olivia.
He didn't even think about it, he just shot. Jenna went down, her blood seeping through her shirt. He tried to stem the bleeding, he really tried but it was no use. Jenna died there on the squad room floor. His eyes locked onto Olivia, she looked horrified.
Elliot shuts off the shower and steps out to dry himself. His skin is red raw, not that he notices.
Walking to the closet to find some clothes he can hear his phone ringing. He ignores it and goes about finding his sweat pants and a t shirt. The clothes he removed before his shower need to go in the bin, better yet burnt he decided.
The phone rings again.
He lays down on the bed, exhausted. He now hears the home phone ring. He knows his wife will answer, he also knows who will be on the other end. The ringing stops and he can hear Kathy's muffled voice, then her footsteps as she walks up the stars to the bedroom.
Kathy knocks on the door lightly before she enters. She looks at him lying in the middle of the bed, eyes closed.
With the cordless phone in her hand she quietly informs him Olivia wants to talk. He doesn't say a word, just rolls on his side away from her.
Kathy sighs, walks out of the room and closes the door. Again he can hear her voice as she tells Olivia he doesn't want to talk. He wonders how much Olivia will tell her, what blanks will he need to fill in?
Slowly he drifts off to sleep. He is plagued with nightmares. Olivia is shot, Jenna shoots herself. Elliot wakes in a sweat, breathing heavy. He knows the dreams won't go away anytime soon and that every night could be a different scenario. He begins to dread the night, even though it has only been a few hours since the shooting.
He groans and gets up. It's dark outside now, the house silent. He checks on his youngest son, he is the innocent one. They will need to shield him from the worst of it, the news reports that will come out in the next few days, weeks. He will talk to Kathy, he thinks, just the bare facts so she will know what to expect.
He wonders where she is, the clock on the bedside table had shown him it was past midnight and she wasn't next to him.
He opens the door to Maureen's old room, they had made it into a guest room but in reality he made more use of it. He would tell himself it was due to his long hours, didn't want to disturb Kathy. He was actually more comfortable there alone than sharing a bed with is wife.
She was in there, asleep. He could just make out her outline as the faint glow of the streetlamp came through the gap in the curtains.
He retreats from the room quietly, he doesn't want to wake her, and he doesn't want to have that conversation now.
He makes his way back to the main bedroom to retrieve his phone. It was still in his pants pocket on the bathroom floor. Unlocking it he stared at the screen. 24 missed calls, 4 from Cragen, 3from the squad room extension and the rest…Olivia. There were also numerous text messages which he didn't read. He didn't check the voicemails either, just turned the phone off.
Tomorrow I will call her, see her, anything to hear her voice he tells himself. He knows it is a lie though. A wry chuckle escapes his lips; he knows he is lying to himself.
His whole life had become a lie. He lived in a house he hated, pretended to love the woman he called his wife when he knows it isn't her he loves. It isn't Kathy he wants to wake up with; it isn't her voice he wants to hear call his name when they make love. No, it's Olivia. It has been for a long time now. He just can't admit it to her.
He goes downstairs to the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge. Probably not the best choice he thinks to himself, but he needs something.
Sitting on the couch he tries to get his thoughts in order. He has some big decisions to make and he knows not everyone will come away unscathed. He knows he isn't going back to SVU or even the NYPD for that matter. No, he was done. He had given them his all but now it was over.
It had been on his mind for a long time, quitting. The incident with Jenna has just brought it forward a little bit. This was something he needed to do for his own sanity.
The next thing Elliot had to try and sort out is his home life. They aren't in love anymore, truth be told he wasn't when he & Kathy slept together the night Eli was conceived. He shouldn't have gone to her, she wasn't who he wanted.
He only returned home because of some misguided feeling of family obligation. Neither Maureen nor Kathleen lived at home anymore. The twins were used to him not being at the house much. If he had just said no, why didn't he say no to going home? He had asked himself that so many times over the years.
Eli would be fine, it would have worked, but no he had to take the easy way out. Instead of facing the feelings he had for Olivia he had run away before it got "complicated". The irony that he as the one running instead of her did not escape him. She ran when things became "complicated".
He knows she has feelings for him. They have never discussed it but he knows. When they first began to work together there were touches, they used to act out the crime scenes for Christ sakes. There were innuendoes, little jokes between them but back then they were just friends.
Then Gitano came into their lives. That man made them both confront feelings they had been trying to hide. They barely looked at each other after that. Every accidental touch seemed to have a hidden meaning that neither of them wanted to admit.
She had even transferred out for a little while, left him. He hated her for that; he hated not seeing her face every day. No matter how bad things were between them he would still take comfort in knowing she was there. Olivia did come back though, not that he made her feel appreciated he thought. Maybe that's why she ran again, undercover this time. God he missed her so much. That moment when he dialled her number only to be told it was disconnected, the hurt he felt was indescribable.
Then he knocked Kathy up and went home. Olivia distanced herself from him, or so he felt. Just lately though, he felt a shift. Something changed between them. They shared little touches again. He had caught her staring at him a few times and he knew she had caught him doing the very same.
Sonya Paxton….her murder had a huge effect on their relationship. He ran to her, practically bolted from Quantico because he knew she needed him. They had held each other, God he didn't want to let go. He wanted to kiss her and tell her he loved her, but no, he just told her the truth…"I should have come back sooner". He knew she would understand the meaning behind those words. She always knew, she had to.
Elliot looked up at the sun poking through the kitchen blinds. He had sat for hours deciding what path the rest of his life would take.
The events of the previous day had defiantly made him realise how deeply he felt for Olivia. He had come so close to losing her. He had to take the shot; there was no doubt in his mind about that. He needs to tell her, but first he needs to speak to Kathy. He knows he is going to hurt her but neither of them should be living this lie anymore; they deserve a shot at happiness. He knows that she will hate him, will scream and curse him but eventually she will understand.
A million things start to run through his head. He needs to hand in his notice, which means speaking to his Captain, the man who has defended him for many years. Elliot dreaded this conversation but it had to be done.
He needs to find an apartment too, when he & Kathy got back together he had let the other place go. This time though, he wanted to find a place more homely. Elliot decided he didn't want some crappy little box apartment with one dingy bedroom. He wanted to find a place he & his kids, particularly Eli, could feel comfortable in. A place he would welcome coming to on his weekends with his Dad.
Elliot knows he needs to get his life in some sort of order before he speaks to Olivia, his Liv. He needs to be grounded before he confesses all to her in the hope that she feels the same way. He knows she does, deep down he knows. He doesn't want to turn her world upside down until he can give her is all. He wants her to know he isn't going anywhere. They may not be partners at work anymore but he will damn well make sure she knows that he is her partner for life, for better or worse.
Elliot can hear Kathy's footsteps; she is coming down the stairs. Her shuffle sounds hesitant he thinks, almost like she knows what is coming.
He turns to her as she walks around the couch and sits in the chair opposite him. Looking up at her, looking into her eyes he realises it's time. It's time for him to set them both free.
"Kathy, we need to talk….."