The Finale
What should happen at the end of the end. Written 100 percent sugar free, it has this reporter wondering whether or not she has ADHD!
A/N: Totally, 100 percent, inspired by a random tangent I went off on while on my forum's awesome Stargate SG-1 thread.
Vala Mal Doran was extremely excited. One, Carter introduced her to candy, her new best friend. She couldn't get enough of it and she was currently on a sugar high. Two, in just one week, 5 hours, 37 minutes, and 46 seconds, she would be married…
To Daniel.
She began to do a cartwheel down the hall, only to run into, literally, General Landry.
"Vala, who's been giving you all this candy?"
"I dunno…"
"Vala, either you tell me, or I will give Daniel that work he needs to do today so he'll work all night tonight, and all day tomorrow."
"What?" She was devastated. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes, Vala, that means no sex tonight!"
"But… But…"
"Vala, I've got the phone in my hand…"
Vala began to look around nervously.
"Vala, I'm dialing his number…"
"Samantha gave them to me, I swear!"
"Thank you, Vala."
General Landry called Sam's number instead.
"Carter."
"Colonel, this is General Landry speaking. You are hereby forbidden to give sweets to Vala."
"But, sir, I didn't give her any. She steals them from me! No matter what I do she doesn't stop!"
"Well then, Colonel, congratulations…" Landry switched to the pager-
"All personnel, this is General Landry speaking, the SGC is hereby classified as a no-sugar-zone. Any personnel caught with sugary sweets will be Court Marshalled." Landry switched back to the phone.
"But sir, that's SO not fair!" Sam hung up the phone with a huff.
MEANWHILE…
Pete Shanahan just got shot by a random shipper in the night. Nine times. He bled out on the street, and for some reason, nobody knows who shot Pete Shanahan…
Maybe it was you; maybe it was me (Oh hell yeah!)… I am afraid we will never truly know who shot Pete Shanahan!
The point is that he tried to Ascend, but Oma was PMS-ing and quite kindly told him "FUCK YOU!!" and he died like any normal human would. She had just been told that she couldn't have the Ultra-Absorbent Tampons at "Phar-Mor" (After it was killed by Wal-Mart and ascended, of course :D) because it was now under new (Orii) management.
So, being the great lady that she is, Oma decided to kill the Orii. Every single last one of them.
Including Adria, whom Daniel was considering charging with mouth rape.
MEANWHILE…
With a loud thump, a one Jacob Carter, and his Tok'ra symbiote Selmak, plopped onto Major General Jack O'Neill's living room couch.
Luckily for those two, they were neither attacked by fans, nor by Jack in suspicion of some sort of break-in.
They were asleep. Dead asleep. The only kind of asleep you get when Janet gets you with an extra large needle of sedative.
MEANWHILE…
Three or four blonde hair, blue-eyed mini-Carter's seemed to spawn out of nowhere. Right in front of the now depressed Vala.
"Ooh, mini-Samantha's! I've always wondered when I was going to find you!"
Then, nine little brunette mop top boys, complete with matching olive green baseball caps and toy airplanes showed up, a complete mystery to Vala.
"Oh… These must be mini-O'Neill's then!"
One of them piped up and said "the square root of 1764 is 42!"
Just then, one of the mini-Sam's stole his toy airplane.
"Oh no… They're Mini-Samantha-O'Neill's!!"
"Oh for crying out loud, Vala, do you have to yell it out to everyone?" One of the other mini-Sam's said.
"AAAAAH!!" Vala, being on a sugar high and very hyped up on her own adrenaline, ran away.
"What's up her butt?" One of the mini-Jacks said.
"I dunno…" One of the mini-Sam's said. "Let's go play pranks!"
"YEAH!!" All of them said in agreement.
And the thirteen terrors ran down the SGC's many corridors, doing as many pranks they could, as quickly as they could.
MEANWHILE…
Apophis and Ra were sitting on some lawn chairs, on some random building in downtown Colorado Springs.
"Hey, Apophis?"
"Yeah, Ra?"
"Let's go to a bar!"
"Yeah!"
And so, they left their lawn chairs, and their various erotic romance novels, behind.
When they arrive at the bar, the bartender looked at their clothes. He kind of sniggered to himself, but he still asked "What would you boys like to drink?"
"Two appletinis, please!" Ra said.
14 Appletinis later…"Woooooooooo! Let's go to a strip club!" Apophis said.
Ra hiccupped, "No, gay bar!"
"Strip club!"
"Gay bar!"
Apophis attacked Ra, and soon they both were rolling around on the ground, beating each other up.
"Hey, boys, break it up or I'll call the cops!" The bartender yelled.
"Ha! The cops can't capture us! We're system lords!"
Apophis and Ra ran into the sunset, hiccupping and belching every five seconds.
The End!General Jack O'Neill had just finished reading a very random story on the internet.
"What the hell?" He hit the reviews button.
"Were you on crack when you wrote this?" He asked.
The End, for real this time!