A/N: So I recently came back from the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and I have to say I sobbed uncontrollably throughout The Prince's Tale. This is really just a small fanfiction of what may have been going through Snape's mind as he got to Godric's Hollow and found Lily. I'd say enjoy but it's pretty darn sad so I guess not.
His heart is pounding.
It's an unstoppable drum, the sound of war to some but to him the sound of dread. The sound of hope that has been dwindled and soon to be destroyed. Each step he takes feels heavier than the last. He doesn't want to do this; he doesn't want to know just as much as he needs to know. His blood is roaring so loudly that any sounds other than from his bated breath and beating heart are diminished, almost non-existent.
The air is thick for some strange reason and Severus can barely breathe; though whether it is due to his nerves or the weather is unclear. In fact many things are unclear. His mind is a murky mess that cannot be cleaned out. Thoughts and fears are swimming so fast he can barely dwell on them before new ones take root in his mind.
She's dead.
Maybe not.
There's still a chance.
Lily, James, Harry.
Lightening is flashing overhead and is lighting up the sky, brighter than it has ever been even in the day. The light splays harshly across Severus' face, outlining the fear etched into his face, not even trying to hide behind his normally stoic personality that he reserved for most everything. He stands in front of the door to the house. Her house. And he doesn't want to open the door. He can't. His heart is more than heavy, it is weighing him down like an anchor, rooting him into the ground whispering 'don't go in' but he must. He has to see her. Even if it's one last time.
Somehow he manages to open the door. To his very last days he will not be able to remember even opening it, the door to Lily, the door to what felt like the end. His heart pounds even more loudly now, so loud he is sure that if Lily may actually be alive (she is, she must be) that she would be able to hear it more clearly than if someone were to whisper in her ear.
He reaches the stairs and doesn't even notice James until he almost stumbles over him. And it's strange, so strange because Severus feels, actually feels something when he sees the body. Remorse manages to sink its way into his heart, and actually stops for a moment and just closes his eyes and whispers I'm sorry, but that's all he can do or think of right now because there's a wailing suddenly coming from upstairs.
No.
Mothers don't just leave their children to remain uncomforted.
She can't be gone.
He's climbing the stairs and stumbles once or twice. Whether it's because he's scared or nervous or simply forgot to walk he can't tell. The lightening is still flashing outside and he wonders why it had to be such a strange night that this happened, but Lily had always been a strange girl, as she had so many times herself. But she was never strange to Severus; she was only perfect to him. Perfect Lily, with a name that matched her beauty and courage. He wished that he had the same amount of courage as she did (as she has, please oh god let her still be here with me. Live, Lily. Live). The stairs turn into a small corridor and there is only one open door, and he's knows because of the lightening still flashing, and illuminating everything (don't let it be her corpse).
The baby is still wailing and Severus really already knows the truth but maybe it's not real so he stands for a moment and closes his eyes again and just breathes. In. Out. He should turn. He needs to. He has to. But he can't.
He turns.
Knees give way and he's not sure of what's coming out of his mouth because it's something entirely unearthly and it's not him, it can't be him. And that can't be Lily's dead body, laying on the floor with her beautiful green eyes closed for good, her body twisted in an unnatural way. Somehow his hand reaches for the wall in time as he almost collapses right there and then. His face twists into what can only be a cry of pain and loss and nothing. The pounding seems to have miraculously disappeared as everything else in the world. It's so dark, the world, suddenly, as he falls down next to the dead light, the only light in his life and pulls her to his body.
Severus shakes and convulses and he's sure he's sobbing but he can't hear it for some reason, he can't hear anything at all. There is nothing for him here now. He rocks back and forth, and is unsure of what to do or what he's doing.
She's gone.
No other voice argues this time, no one comes in and tells him it's not real, no amount of pinching can wake him from this nightmare. He wonders how he's going to live, going to do anything now that the one thing he was fighting for is gone and can never come back. He'll never see her laughing face again, never see her green eyes glow with happiness or pride. Never again.
But something jolts him from the rocking and sobbing and that's another wail from the baby. Harry. And Severus suddenly remembers where he is and what he's doing, and his other senses jolt back into place and he realizes he can't be here any longer without risk of being caught at the scene. So he slowly let's go of Lily, the last time he'll ever hold her, and leans down, kissing her forehead (the first time you'll ever kiss her). He wants to stay longer, he needs more time to mourn, but time has run short. The last thing he does, right before he leaves the room forever, he brings up his courage and he whispers, I love you.
Always.