Life In Smash Mansion
Bustman: Hi! This is my first story here, and I'm excited to show it to the world! I hope it's not horrible... if it is, I won't give up, and make my chapters even better! Anyways, today we have the man of the hour giving us our disclaimer! Come on in here, Captain Falcon!
Captain Falcon: (walks in, smiling and waving to the audience. No one except one lone man claps; he has a bottle thrown at his head and falls unconscious) Wassup, dawgs? Being here is da bomb, man! Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, Bustman does not own any the fic, okay? So, er... (looks at watch) I've still got 5 minutes left on stage, so... who wants to watch my dance routine?
(Screaming erupts from the crowd, and they all head in a mad flurry for the door, pushing to get out. Captain Falcon is left on the stage, performing his dance for a blind and deaf old man, the only person left sitting in the crowd.
Bustman: (Speeding up the clock 5 minutes) Oh, times up, Captain Falcon! Off you go! Anyways, if you write a review, please tell us who you would like to to our disclaimer next time, and we'll take it into consideration! Enjoy the story!
Peach walked into her house, humming and dancing through the doorway. She was in a particularly happy mood today; the renovation of her house was finally complete! It now had 13 bedrooms, 28 bathrooms, 4 landury rooms, 10 different living areas, 19 kitchens, 23 dining rooms, 9 porches and balconies, 2 libraries, 3 swimming pools, 4 ballet rooms, 2 gymnasiums, a bowling alley, and more closets filled with dresses then she had cared count. She danced into the kitchen, planning to make a celebratory cake.
She flipped through her many cook books and finally took down Cakes: Everything You Need To Know About The Mouth-Watering Delicacy. She flipped it open to the table of contents.
Carrot Cake... now there's something I haven't made in a while. She opened up to page 741 and scanned the recipe. Then, she got out a cushioned pink mixer, a hot pink pan, and a bright pink tray and got to work. In fact, everything Peach's house was pink, from the vegetables right down to the pipes. The only things that weren't pink in Princess Peach's house were the pictures of the man she loved, with that red suit to that handsome mustache... suddenly Peach got a spark of inspiration.
"I know!" She said aloud. "I'll invite Mario over for my cake! He'll be so happy; he does love his cake!" Peach, now with a new motive, began mixing the batter even harder, stirring as fast as Sonic runs...
At Mario's house…
"Mama Mia!" Mario yelled as his wrench accidentally screwed out the wrong nail, causing water to spray everywhere. "Luigi, help me find my-a nail."
"What'd you-a say, bro?" Asked Luigi, his bathing trunks on and a glass of lemonade in his hand, entering the pool of water that had formed. He took a breath and dived under, but emerged screaming. "Ahhhhh! My nose!!" He yowled, clutching it. There was a nail wedged in the middle. He began to run around in circles, still screaming.
"Thanks, little brother." Mario said, rolling his eyes. He plucked the nail from Luigi's nose, and screwed it back in to the pipe. The doorbell rang. "Luigi, will you get-a that?"
Still clutching his nose, Luigi walked over to the door. "Hello?"
The postman was standing in front of Luigi, a pink letter in hand. "Letter for Mr. Mario. And about 50 pounds of fan mail too. Oh, and a message from a Mr. Yoshi, who tells him that he needed his immediate help because of a skydive gone awry."
"Any fan mail for me today?"
"Hasn't been any in 20 years. What makes you think today will be any different?" He walked away, and Luigi sighed. He walked back to Mario, slamming the door shut.
"Letter." He mumbled, handing him the pink envelope. Mario curiously ripped it open.
Mario-
I am baking a carrot cake. Won't you come and join me to finish it?
Love,
Peach
Mario smiled. "Hey-a Luigi, want-a to come join me to travel over to Peach's mansion?"
"I don't know…"
"There's caaaaakkkkeeee."
Luigi jumped into a warp pipe. "What are you waiting for? Lets-a-go!"
Mario shook his head as Luigi sank in through the warp pipe. "Wait till he finds out that's the passage to Luigi's mansion."
Mario jumped into another warp pipe while he heard a distant scream erupt from the one Luigi had traveled into.
Back at Peach's Mansion...
"Top-a of the morning to you-a, princess!" Mario bowed to the princess after jumping out of his warp pipe. Peach giggled.
"I'm glad you're here. You had me worried for a second that I was going to have to eat this cake all by myself."
"You-a needn't worry about that, princess." Said Mario, who had just spotted the carrot cake cooling off on the counter and was now eyeing it hungrily. Suddenly Luigi popped out of the warp pipe behind Mario, looking around wildly.
"There were-a ghosts! Lots and lots of ghosts! I-"
"Calm down, Luigi. They're gone now. No more ghosts. Here, why don't you have a nice, hot slice of carrot cake, hmmm?" Peach soothed, handing Luigi a slice of carrot cake. He collapsed into a chair, glanced around as if a ghost was going to jump out of the shadows and attack him, and then started hungrily gobbling down the cake. Peach handed Mario a piece of cake too, giving him a kiss on the cheek as well. Mario turned beet red, and sat down next to Luigi.
"Hey-a, where is-a Luigi's kiss-a?" Luigi asked, turning his cheek to Peach. Luckily for Princess Peach, a distraction came at that moment. Bowser crashed through the roof and roared.
"You're mine, Peach!" Bowser growled, taking a step forward. "And so is that carrot cake!"
Luigi jumped out of his seat, screaming. He dived down the nearest warp pipe, where another distant scream could be heard of "Aaaaaah! Ghosts!"
"Wrong pipe." Peach commented. Mario dived in front of Princess Peach, in the way of Bowser, but slid past her in front of the carrot cake.
"Take one crumb and you're a dead turtle." Mario growled, facing Bowser. Bowser's face fell.
"Awww, that's no fair. Lets do Bubblegum."
"Nah, to dang predictable. Rock, Paper, Scissors is more fair."
"Fine, but two out of three."
"Agreed." Said Mario, ignoring Peach's mutter of "Y'know, some men put their women before their baked goods."
Mario lost with rock the first round, but then won with paper the next. He put out rock, but then changed it at the last second to scissors as he saw Bowser had done paper, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately…
"Cheater! You're mine, Mario!" Bowser said, leaping at him. Bowser and Mario wrestled on the floor, while Peach got a frying pan and started whacking them both, Bowser for trying to kidnap her, and Mario for his bad priorities. Meanwhile, Luigi had jumped out of the pipe and was running around in circles, screaming, while Yoshi fell through the chimney, looking utterly lost, and a parachute with a hole in it on his back. Suddenly, the door rang, and everybody froze, except for Yoshi, who was now unsteadily stumbling around, looking dizzy.
"Luigi, get it." Said Bowser, nodding toward the door. Mario wiped his brow as Luigi passed him, and Peach offered both him and Bowser lemonade, saying "Good fight, fellas."
Luigi opened the door just a crack to see that it wasn't a ghost, then opened it fully as he saw it was just the postman. "Letter for a Mr. Mario, a Mr. Bowser and a Mr. Yoshi, and one for a Miss Princess Peach too."
"Any for me?" Luigi asked dully, already expecting the answer.
"No- actually, yes!" Said the postman, shuffling through his mail and looking just as surprised as Luigi did. "Well I'll be…didn't think I'd live to see the day when anybody in their right mind would write a letter to Lui-"
But Luigi had already shut the door, dancing happily in to the room and throwing all the letters up into the air, doing a cheerful little jig, and singing "I got a letter, I got a letter…"
"What's this?" Bowser asked, picking up his own.
"Only one way to find out." Mario said, ripping his open.
"Looks like an invitation." Remarked Peach, already reading hers. "What's this? We've been invited to the next-"
"Super Smash Bros. game!" Luigi cried, overjoyed, reading over Peach's shoulder. "I just knew I'd be asked to come back, just knew they'd find a place for old Luigi…"
"But…this is impossible!" Cried Mario, as Luigi wiped a tear away from his eye from being invited to his fourth Super Smash Bros. game. "Brawl just came out 6 months ago!"
"This is an outrage!" Bowser yowled in agreement. "I'll strangle that Master Hand! As if my schedule wasn't busy enough as it is!"
"Hey, it isn't all that bad." Said Peach, remaining calm, but obviously pissed off as well. "At least we'll get to see all our friends from different videogames again."
"I've got all the friends I need here! Right Yosh-ewww." Mario scrunched up his face as Yoshi retched all over him.
Donkey Kong sweat as he swung through the trees, the whole forest just a blur. Diddy Kong swung ahead of him, turning around and giving him the raspberry.
"Come on, DK! What happened to king of the jungle? Hasn't this old ape got any swing left in him?"
"Pay – more – respect – to – your – elders!" Donkey Kong grunted, surpassing Diddy Kong, who put on a face of pure determination and swung faster then ever until he caught up to Donkey Kong again.
"I wonder why Dixie Kong sounded so urgent on my banana phone." Diddy Kong thought aloud, half to himself. "I haven't heard her so excited since her Uncle Basil was assassinated…by her."
"Yeah, he was a jerk." Donkey Kong said, jumping off a vine and onto his treehouse. Diddy Kong followed him inside, where Dixie was pacing on the rug.
"Ah, there you are!" She said, with an exuberant grin on her face. "You won't believe this!"
"I sure won't, until I get a cup of water." Donkey Kong panted, collapsing onto a bamboo chair. "Funky Kong, will you take care of that?"
"I sure will!" Said an ape sitting across from Donkey Kong, wearing sunglasses and a bandanna. "And I'll do it with style!"
"Yeah…you do that. Anyways, what is it, Dixie? You look like you might explode."
"Us three just got invited…to Super Smash Bros. Fray!"
"WHAT??" Diddy Kong yowled, grabbing a letter on the table. "That's impossible! I don't have time for another Super Smash Bros.! I'm already signed on for 3 videogames this year, and..."
"You're not excited?" Dixie Kong asked, crestfallen. "It may be busy, but at least you'll get to spend time with me, and all your friends."
"…You're right." Diddy Kong said, relaxing a bit. "But I don't like how Master Hand thinks he can call us up anytime and tell us he has to come to his game, like we don't have lives. Donkey Kong, what do you think?"
Diddy Kong looked over at Donkey Kong, who was now snoring on the couch. "Ah, well, we'll tell him the bad news in the morning…"
Everybody dance now…
"Mr. Falcon. Mr. Falcon! Mr. Falcon, sir, you have a letter!
"Wassup, dawg?" Captain Falcon asked, turning off his dance music and turning to face his butler, who was holding a letter. "A letter, you say, man? Does it put the 'awe' in awesome?"
"Er, yeah, sure, dawg. It's, er, da bomb!" The butler said, attempting to give Captain Falcon the peace symbol but getting it wrong. I don't get paid enough for this job.
"Well, who is this letter from? Did I finally get accepted into So You Think You Can Dance?"
"Er, no, once again, you were so good they had to disqualify you. It's a letter from Super Smash Bros."
"Did they decide to change my final smash to 'Dance Groove'?"
"Er, no, you were so dazzling that you would blind the player. You're invited to the next Super Smash Bros. game."
"The next game, dude? You got to be kidd'n me!"
"No, I'm all to serious. Read the letter for yourself."
Captain Falcon grabbed the paper from his butler's hand. "This is uncool, dawg! I mean, I get to meet da groovy chicks and stuff, but this just aint cool, man! It's on with me and Master Hand! He's gonna get served!"
Link was a blur, slashing all of his dummies with his sword. Sweat trickled down his face, and his hair was wet. Try to kidnap Zelda now, Ganondorf! You can't beat the toughest of the tough! Thought Link, decapitating a dummy. He looked around. All of the dummies were lying on the ground, all of them with stuffing leaking out of them. He collapsed into a chair. The watch on his wrist was beeping; the training session was over.
He sat down for a couple more seconds, then decided to shower off. He walked into the bathroom, taking his shirt off. He suddenly gave a yelp. The postman was standing in front of the shower door, two letters in his hand.
"Nice abs." He commented, looking at Link's bare chest. "Anyways, you and a miss Zelda have a letter."
"Link? I hear noise from down there. Is everything okay?" Called the distant voice of Zelda, from upstairs. Link could hear feet coming down the steps; suddenly Zelda was there beside him, looking at the postman. "How did you get in?"
"Not important. What is important is that you two have just been invited to the next Super Smash Bros. game."
"WHAT?" Both Link and Zelda cried at once.
"That's right. Super Smash Bros. Fray. Master Hand wants you at Smash Mansion tomorrow at noon, sharp."
"Bu- but-" Link stammered. "I can't fit that into my schedule! That's too much work. It's insanity! I won't go! I refuse!"
"We have a contract." Zelda reminded Link, touching his shoulder gently. "We have to go. And besides, maybe it won't be as bad as you think it will be. You'll get to see Marth again, won't you?"
"I'd better get going." The postman said, snapping his fingers and disappearing. Link's jaw dropped open.
"-how?"
"Let's not question it." Said Zelda. "I'm going back upstairs. I want to finish the book I'm reading."
"…sure. I'll be down here, showering."
Zelda walked out, while Link turned the water on. How will I survive making another game?
"Are we there yet?"
"For the love of god, Nana, just a bit farther!"
The Ice Climbers jumped from rock to rock, the peak of the mountain within view.
"Hey Popo?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we there y- ouch!" Nana exclaimed, as Popo glared at her, having just hit her in the head with his hammer.
"You rotten ice climber! I'll show you!" Nana yowled, bowling her brother over. They wrestled on the floor until a voice above them said "Done yet?"
They both looked up. Pit was flying above them, a postman hat on his head. "When did you become a postman?" Popo asked, puzzled.
"I didn't" Pit grumbled. "The postman was sick today, so of course Paultena wanted to lend him a hand and offer one of her servants to deliver the mail. Anyways, you have letters. Both of you."
Popo and Nana curiously grabbed the letters, and ripped them open.
"Super Sma-"
"I know." Said Pit grimly. "I got the letter too. Wait a second." He said, picking up his cell phone. "What is it Paultena? A surgeon at the hospital is sic- oh, no. I am not- oh, for the love of- fine, be there in a second." Pit shut his phone. "Gotta go and take a medical course. Bye." He flapped his wings and took off, leaving the Ice Climbers, bewildered, staring up into the sky.
"Sir, there is a problem in sector C. Will you check it out?"
"For the love of god, can't any of you fix it?"
"No, sir. It's that bad."
"Very well. Off with you now."
"Yes, sir."
A meta knight walked away, through the swinging doors that was the exit to Meta Knight's cabin in the Halberd. Meta Knight sat down, rubbing his head. "If I never have to see another puffball again, it'll be too soo-"
"Poyo!" A pink puffball had appeared at the swinging doors, bouncing in uninvited. Meta Knight wearily looked up and half heartedly raised his sword.
"What is it, Kirby?"
Instead of answering, Kirby bounced over to Meta Knight's fruit bowl and sucked up all of the apples.
"Kirby, you stinking puffball, stop eating my- hey that's my Best Supporting Actor Academy Award!" Meta Knight cried, as Kirby sucked up a trophy with a golden man on it. "Kirby-that's my son, dammit!" Meta Knight flew over to his medicine cabinet and took out a bottle.
"I knew this would come in handy some day." He muttered, pouring some into a glass. He turned back to Kirby. "Care for a glass of wine?"
"Poyo!" Cried a delighted Kirby, sucking up the whole glass. Suddenly he shuddered, and threw up the apples, academy award, son and glass.
"There. Better? Syrup of opium always does the trick for me." Meta Knight said, cleaning off his academy award. Kirby groaned as the postman appeared at the swinging doors.
"I have a letter for a Mr. Kirby and a Mr. Meta Knight."
"Sir Meta Knight to you." Meta Knight said, turning to face the postman.
"Oh, sorry, Sir. I forgot for a second you were so stuck up."
"What was that?"
"You heard me all too well."
"Meta Knight?" The same meta knight that had reported to Meta Knight previously was at the door.
"Meta Knight?" Meta Knight exclaimed, surprised.
"Postman?" Said the Meta Knight, looking at the postman.
"Meta Knight?" Said the postman, looking confused and swinging his head and looking at them both.
"Me?"
"Me?"
"Who?"
"Poyo!" Kirby said, jumping up.
"Anyways," The postman said, looking disturbed and having forgotten his and Meta Knight's past argument. "Here are your letters. Bye."
He threw the letters onto Meta Knight's table, and snapped his fingers, disappearing. Meta Knight, looking distracted, turned to his servant. "Yes, what is it?"
"Er, are you coming to sector C, or…"
"I'll be there in a second. Just need to read this." Meta Knight turned to the letters and threw Kirby's at the pink puffball. Kirby plopped down and ripped it open, taking out the letter and eating the envelope. He skimmed through the letter, and jumped up, looking excited. Meta Knight, having already read the letter, was staring at the wall blankly. Then he threw the letter at the wall, with such force that the wall crumpled onto him. Kirby bounced over and peered curiously into the rubble. Meta Knight got up, spitting.
"They can't do this! I can't spend another year at the smash mansion! I have a busy schedule!"
"Food?" Questioned Kirby.
"Yes, there will be food, Kirby, but…"
"Food!!" Kirby started jumping up and down. He grabbed a suitcase, and opened the emergency exit. He jumped out, yelling "Poyooooo!"
"Forgot the parachute." Muttered Meta Knight, sighing. "Oh, well, like it or not, I have to go…better start packing."
"Falco. Come in, Falco!"
"Right here, Foxy. I've locked onto our target."
"Better hurry." Came Krystal's voice from the transmitter. "I'm having trouble avoiding these lasers."
"Roger that."
Falco's arwing flew in front of Fox, shooting lasers and avoiding the enemy's. One hit their blaster, which flew off the ship. Fox did a dive to save it, leaning out the arwing window, and reaching out his paw. Two lasers from the enemy's ship last blaster almost hit it; Fox grabbed the blaster and pulled quickly back inside the arwing, right before two lasers hit air where his head had been a second ago. He pulled back up across from Krystal.
"Fox, what were you thinking? You could of got yourself killed! Then who would sign my paycheck?!" Krystal shouted into the transmitter.
"Sorry, seemed like to good of a blaster to go to waste. I'll see if Slippy can connect it onto one of our arwings."
Krystal rolled her eyes and advanced on the enemy's ship, shooting off the last blaster. It began to plummet to the ground, but Fox was already below it, and pulled the blaster into his ship.
"Great. Now I've got a double set."
"Sir, that also comes with a free engine." Falco said into the transmitter, shooting off the engine, which plummeted down to Fox's ship. The ship, meanwhile, lost power and crashed down onto a comet.
"Great work, Falco."
"Ahem!"
"You too, Krystal."
"Er, Fox, don't order the party hats just yet. We've got company."
Fox looked up. Three more enemy ships were approaching them, shooting red lasers. Fox veered his arwing over to the left, avoiding a string of red ammunition. "Slippy, we need backup!" He shouted into a transmitter. He suddenly looked up due to tapping on his window. The postman, in a spacesuit, was floating outside his window, tapping on the glass.
"What are you doing!? Get out of here!" Fox shouted. Two lasers were shot at the postman, who snapped his fingers and disappeared, appearing on the other side of the window.
"You've got a letter." He mouthed, holding up three letters. Fox sighed rolled down his window, grabbed the letters, and rolled it back up again, flying away.
"I'll save these for later. Right now, I've got to kick some bad guy booty."
"Who are you talking to?" Falco questioned from the transmission.
"The reader, idiot! I'm closing the chapter with a lethal weapon line!"
"Doing a pretty sucky job at it."
"Any better ideas?"
"Yeah. Less talk. More butt-whoop'n!"
"Fine. You, reader." Said Fox, looking into the camera. "If you write a review, tell us who's line you like better. Whichever one of ours is voted best will get totally cocky about it in the next chapter. Toodle-oo!"