Something There
Hopelessness tugged at her heart as Hermione made her way across the Quidditch pitch and received her diploma. She allowed her gaze to drift towards the Gryffindor stands, and, more particularly, the two-empty seats which should have been filled by her parents and weren't. Hermione sighed; they had all lost people on the road leading to Voldermort's death. The Weasley's had lost Percy, Harry had lost Sirius, and she, Hermione, had lost her parents. But, unlike Ron, who wasn't much affected by the loss of Percy and unlike Harry, who had had over two years to get used to the idea of Sirius being gone, Hermione had just lost her parents, under a month ago, and she still couldn't really cope with the idea that they were gone. It didn't quite feel right, or rather, it didn't feel right at all to be walking across the Quidditch pitch in her scarlet and gold robes and taking the rolled up piece of parchment from Professor McGonagall without them there.
Alone tear escaped down her cheek to die on her lips; it was salty and friendless but Hermione still glanced frantically around for a spectator. To her utter surprise, she found Ron, still a considerable ways down the line, watching her intently, concern apparent on his features. She caught his eye and he grinned lopsidedly as he had for seven years at her, causing Hermione even more sorrow than should be allowed.
Hermione bit her lower lip, mentally chiding herself, and returned Ron's grin before joining the rest of the graduats A-G on the other side of the field. She was being silly, childish even, here it was, a day she had waited on for seven long years and all she could do was thing about the bleak past. Of course, to Hermione, the future was an even worse prospect; at least the past held Ron, the future didn't, not really.
Sure, there were the inevitable invitaions to join Ginny for the summer which she would accept, and she would probably spend her first few Chrismas holidays with the Weasley's as she this past Christmas due to circumstances….but, eventually, she would drift away, the invitations would become few and far between and when they suddenly stopped all together no one would make an effort to stay inn touch. After all, she wasn't Harry and when it all came down to it, Mrs. Weasley had never cared for Hermione as if the young girl would one day be part of the family as she had for Harry. No, the future did not hold Ron and it made Hermione's eyes well up with tears just to think about it.
When she left school, Ron and possibly Harry would become a memory; something for Hermione to dig out once or twice a year and cry over. There was no actual hope, if she told Ron what she felt for him tonight it would cause her to loose him faster, and Hermione didn't want that. He'd only look at her in that pitying way of his, the look he had used when Neville broke it off with Elois Midgen earlier in the year and when Ginny had fought with Dean and cursed him six ways to Sunday. So she'd grit her teeth, kiss him on the cheek and let him step into the real world ignorant of her feelings. She knew it would be hard, but she had bared her burden silently for a good four years and there was no reason she couldn't keep quiet for another night.
There had been a time when an overly optimistic Hermione had believed that the anger and resentment Ron wore as a suit whever she showed any interest at all in anpther boy was because he had liked her. For awhile, she had believed the rumors floating around that firmly stated, with no room left for discussion that "Ron fancies Hermione." For awhile, she had been an idiot.
She vaugely noted that Harry, tousled hair and diploma in hand, was standing beside her. She grinned, turning to the boy and embraced him before pecking him lightly on the cheek in congradulations; it would be horrible to loose him. Over the years, nothing had cut her deeper than a fight with Ron and Harry, incompetent as he was in matters of the heart, had always tried to make it up to her in one way or another. She would miss him and probably need his consolation throughout the years, but not because Ron had made her cry, not this time. Had he known how his words had effected her, Hermione was sure Ron would have been more prudent with his tongue, would have kept it in check. But it hurt he would even think some of the things he said, let alone say them.
By now Ron had joined the group, and because she was so wrapped in her thoughts Hermione missed the look of dissapointment that fluttered oh so breifly across Ron's face when she did not greet him with a hug and a kiss as she had done Harry. Harry however, did notice and cuffed his best friend on the shoulder, offering a grin as compensation which Ron weakly returned.
Ron faced forward as Dumbledore stood to adress the Quidditch pitch. But, unlike Harry and Hermione who both looked to the old man as he spoke, Ron allowed his attention to wander across the pitch. He was going to miss this place, the Quidditch pitch most of all. He gave a slight shiver as the wind whipped across, contradicting the warm summer day. Well, perhaps he would miss the Gryffindor Common Room just a bit more.
He glanced back at Hermione, the setting sun casting her brown hair into a series of different hues and sighed just loud enough for Harry to hear him and shoot him a glance. He needed to do something about it, he knew if he didn't' do something about Hermione now she'd be lost forever. He couldn't stand it if she was lost forever.
As Dumbledore finished his speech, dismissing them all Ron nudged Harry, "I'm telling her tonight."
Harry grinned.
Hours later, Ron paced nervously atop the Astronomy Tower, wringing his hands. He had asked Hermione to meet him around nine and she was late. He knew it was stupid, knew the Astronomy Tower had a bad reputation but it was the only place that would be deserted on the last night of term. Everyone else would be sleeping, getting ready to go home or snogging in empty classrooms as preperation for not seeing their "other half" for two whole months. And anyway, he wanted to show her something, something that could only be seen fully from the Astronomy Tower.
Ron ran his hands distractedly through his hair, knowing that by the time she finally arrived it'd be sticking up on end but he couldn't help it; he was a bundle of nerves. He shoved his right hand into his pocket, fngering the velvet box sitting there. It wasn't anything fancy, not really, just a promise ring, simple and silver with his name and hers engraved into the metal. He'd had it for and age, having bought it last Christmas when Hermione was sick and feeling quite down. He had never given it to her though, never even really considered giving it to her, it just sat in his trunk and he was content knowing he had it, should he ever decide to give it to her.
He plopped down with his back to the stone railing, watching the door, but when she had arrived twenty minutes later he began to doubt. What if he was going about this all wrong? What if giving and explanation would just confuse her or hurt her or some other weird girly emotion? He had learned long ago that Hermione was, indeed, female.
Would it be better just to say it and leave? So she didn't have anytime to ask questions, didn't have anytime to do anything except for stare in shock. He didn't really want an answer, he just wanted her to know. Right? Right.
The door creaked open and closed lightly and a moment later Hermione pulled Harry's invisibility cloak off, grinning at him.
"I'm sorry I'm late." She instantly apologized, coming over to stand beside him as he stood up, "Peeves wouldn't let me leave, and Harry and Ginny threw a huge party in the common room and I could barely get through." She grinned once more at him in an apolgetic way before looking out at the landscape which the sun had long ago set on.
"So…" She began, wondering why it suddenly seemed much colder than a warm June night should allow, "What did you want to speak with me about?"
He glanced over at her, leaning on the railing and reluctantly decided to follow his first course of action; an explanation.
"I just wanted to talk." He muttered, "I knew it'd be loud in the common room, last night and everything…" He glanced at her once more, suddenly feeling very childish. "It just feels weird, you know?"
Hermione felt her heart sink, he didn't want to be alone with her as she had thought, well, not alone to tell her anything important, just to talk about school ending she could only suppose.
'Well what did you think?' A sharp voice sounded in her mind, 'That he was going to suddenly admit he has feelings for you? That he loves you?' She mentally shook her head, that wasn't it, she just didn't want to talk about Harry and she knew that's was this would come to.
It was always about Harry, that was the only real reason she and Ron were friends, for Harry. When Harry came out of the Chamber in second year Ron had asked Hermione to speak with him. In fourth year, after the Triwizard Tournament Hermione had asked to speak with Ron. It was always about what they could do for Harry, what was best for Harry and even now it would still be the welfare of Harry.
"I just never actually thought we'd leave." Ron continued beside her, "I thought we'd….I dunno, spend our whole lives here within these walls." He glanced up at her, took a deep breath and muttered very quietly, "You know what I'm going to miss most?"
She shook her head, meeting his eyes, content just to watch him for the rest of eternity. It was probably best that he would never actually feel the same way for her, that way she could keep quiet, not loose him. "What?"
"The Hospital Wing." He answered, his face perfectly straight as he pointed to a glass topped roof by the Great Hall, "We spent so much time there and…I learned a lot there." He looked away both from the Hospital Wing (which Hermione was staring at in puzzlement) and her when he said this.
"Like what?" She prompted, oblivious to where this was going.
"Like a lot of things," He replied cautiously, "Like how much your friendship means to me."
Hermione immediately whipped around to stare at him, something undecipherable in her eyes, "What?" This was not where she had expected the conversation to go, not at all. She had expected Ron to reminsce over Quidditch and Chess and maybe over Voldermort, not tell her how much her friendship meant to him. She felt something tug, once again, on her resolve not to tell him.
"I just…" He shrugged, "Remember in our second year, when you…well…when…" He stumbled over the words and was greatly relieved when she nodded in the afirmative, she knew he was talking about her petrifcation.
"I guess… I dunno, but I didn't want to loose you." He looked tentatively at her and rushed on, "It was horrible not having you there to nag me and Harry about our schoolwork and when Harry was down in the Chamber I couldn't help but think how awful it would be if I lost both my best friends and my younger sister in one fatal swoop. I couldn't help but dwell on the possibility that you may never…never come back if something went wrong with the Mandrake Draught."
Hermione felt tears well up in her eyes, just as they had at the ceremony. She had always suspected that Ron might value their friendship as much as he valued his with Harry, but it was nice to be told. It was very nice to be told, she just wished he had said it earlier, because now she wanted to tell him something of her own; something she could not say.
Ron, who had been staring at the Quidditch Pitch during his speech now looked up to at her to find she was crying out right. He felt his heart sink; what could he have said that would make her so miserable? For she truly looked miserable.
"Whats with the tears?" He asked softly, "C'mon, 'Mione, don't cry."
But her tears just continued to come and finally, taking a deep shaky breath she turned away from him, picked up Harry's cloak and said, "I'm sorry, but I need to go." She folded Harry's cloak and put it beside Ron on the ground, "You can take that back to the common room, I don't think I'll need it."
He stared at her, confused. What was this about?
"Why are you leaving?"
"I'm being silly." She replied simply, "This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives and here I am crying. I don't want to ruin your last night at Hogwarts, I'll go."
He immediately reached out and latched onto her elbow, pulling her around so that she face him and placing his other hand on her other elbow so she could rest her hands on his forearms.
"What are you on about?" He asked with a chuckle, "You're not ruining my last night at Hogwarts."
"I just don't want to say something that'll make me loose you." She murmured feebly, chiding herself for being such a basketcase; so much for strong resolves.
He quirked an eyebrow, a small grin spreading across his face, the one he used when he had made a ridiculous blunder. The pad of his thumb ran circles on her arm, causing goosebumps to prick up and he reached his other hand to wipe away her tears softly.
The most un-nerving chill washed over her, unsettling every single thought Hermione had ever had about Ron. He held her like she was made of glass, his touch was so light and his eyes refused to leave hers, no matter how many times she tried to avoid his gaze.
"I don't know what you're talking about." His voice had become lower, quieter and huskier, sending even more goosebumps up and down Hermione's body. She felt ridicuously warm, even though she had earlier been very cold.
"You're never going to loose me." He assured her, "Not unless you flat out rejected me.I promise." He brushed her hair back from her face and whispered quietly, as if he were afraid she's disenegrate were he too loud. Or maybe his words would float away and have no meaning if he said them loudly, but he whispered in her ear three little words Hermione had wanted to hear for the longest time, yet knew she wouldn't, "I love you."
He had never actually meant to kiss her, he hadn't meant to touch her at all. But he liked the way she fit in his arms, the way he knew she would have fit in his arms this way all along. And it was just a feathering of a kiss, his lips on hers and he would have pushed it further, made it firmer had she not done something he felt he would never forgive her, or indeed himself, for.
She froze, went completely rigid, she didn't melt into him as he had arrogantly expected her to, but froze. She seemed to be in shock and yet at the same time Ron had the distinct feeling that all she wanted him to do was stop kissing her and leave.
He pulled back, stared at her staring at him and felt a knot tighten in his stomach, "I'm sorry." He apologized, "I'm sorry, 'Mione…Hermione, I mean. I shouldn't have done that, I made a mistake. I made a horrible mistake. " And, leaving the Invisibility Cloak beside the stone wall he left the Astronomy Tower.
The slamming of the wooden door brought Hermione back to her senses and she made a strangled half sob in her throat, trying to process it all. Ron had kissed her, not only that but he had said he loved her. He loved her! He had held her and looked at her in such a way she felt she'd never been looked at before. Not even Viktor had looked at her in that way and then he had kissed her! But….but none of that really mattered, she had to speak with him.
Turning, she left the Astronomy Tower, ran down the steps and peered both ways down the extremely long hallway. The corridor outside the Astronomy Tower was, for some reason, the longest one in the whole school. It was impossible for anyone to get out of sight of the tower stairs in that short amount of time without running and if Ron had run she'd never catch up with him.
She sunk down on the last step, her back up against the wall and let the tears flow again. He had kissed her, said he loved her and then…and then he had left. He had said he had made a horrible mistake. Kissing her had been a horrible mistake. Her heart sunk and she wondered how he could change his mind so quickly about something that had taken Hermione months to establish within herself.
The thought that this was all a joke crossed her mind briefly before she tossed it out the window; Ron would never do that to her, even if he didn't love her.
She stood up, brushed off her robes and wiped her eyes before making her way back to Gryffindor Tower, she'd just find Ron, sort this whole thing out and go on with her life…hopefully.
But when she got back to the Tower, Ron wasn't there and Harry and Ginny, who were sitting on the couch in the empty common room talkinng in quiet whispers immediately told her he hadn't been there.
"Hermione?" Ginny looked at the older girl, concern apparent in her eyes as she led the her upstiars to talk.
Harry watched them go, looked down at his watch and then stared into the fire, he'd wait up for Ron and then interrogate him as to what happened. The only problem being, of course, that Ron did not arrive back in the common room that night.
Ron stared out the window as the Hogwarts Express rumbled to life and began to pull out of the station. He hadn't gone back to the Gryffindor Common Room, certain Harry would want to know what had happened and instead spent the whole night in the Room of Requirement which, because he was thinking of her all night long, consequently filled with pictures of Hermione for him to dwell over. That morning he had gotten up, summoned his trunk once he was sure the majority of students were down in the Great Hall, had breakfast with the house elves and dragged his trunk up to the Hogwarts Express where he found a compartment and automatically pulled the sahde down over the window. He did not want to be bothered.
Last night had been one of the worst nights of his life, coming second only to the time his father was bitten by Nagina, Voldermort's purple pet snake and he didn't much want to speak with anyone.
Knock.
The door slid aside and in walked Harry, a sympathetic look upon his face.
"I'm guessing things didn't go well last night."
"I don't want to talk about it." Ron replied, scowling out the window, "Go ask her."
"I already did." Harry informed him, "She won't tell me." Ron's scowl deepened.
"I made a complete idiot of myself." Ron burst out, "That's what happened. I told her I loved her and then I kissed her and…" He trailed off at the surpirsed look on Harry's face, "What?"
"You kissed her?"
"Yes, I kissed her, I shouldn't have and I know that, so don't lecture me about it, I just…I couldn't help myself." He gave a sad sigh and avoided looking at his best mate. "I made a complete and uttter prick of myself and lost her in the process, that's what happened."
"She didn't like it?"
Ron glanced sharply at Harry, his stomach tumbling, "What do you mean?"
"When you kissed her…what happened?"
Ron looked away, the memory of the kiss, of his idiocy, playing in his mind as it had all night, "She froze, went completely rigid. I think had it lasted one second longer she would have slapped me."
"Oh."
Yeah, oh. Ron wanted to reply in the most scathing voice he could muster. Instead he mumured helplessly, "I just don't know how I read the signs wrong." He looked up at Harry, "I was sure she…sure she felt the same way."
"So was I." Harry reassured Ron, but his comment was lost on deaf ears as Ron had gone back to staring out the window.
"You oughta go." Ron mumbled minutes later, "This is your last train ride home, go enjoy it with Ginny and them."
Harry shook his head, "You're my best mate, if you don't enjoy it, I don't either." Ron gave a small smile at this, and didn't protest Harry's company anymore, this was what friends were for.
"I kinda feel like a lost part of myself, like something died." He looked up at Harry, "Like I felt when Dad got bit or Ginny was taken into the Chamber, and this one can't even be fixed." Harry nodded as if he understood which, Ron reminded himself, he probably did considering the amount he'd been through in the past seven years. "I don't even know when I really crossed the line between teasing her for fun and teasing her because I liked the way her eyes lit up." He sighed, knowing he was being terribly mushy and terribly Ginny-ish and not really caring. Harry was his best mate and Ron needed to talk to someone who would talk back, instead of photographs as he had been doing all night.
"I made her cry." He muttered in a hollow voice, a couple minutes later, "I made her cry, I made her freeze I…I should have just kept it to myself. We were all happy when she didn't know."
"You weren't happy." Harry pointed out.
"No," Ron almost snapped, "But she was, I should have seen that and known this wouldn't make her happy I just thought…I don't know what I thought, maybe that she deserved to know?" His hand automatically went up and he ran it through his hair, "I just liked the way it felt, holding her, kissing her, I like the way the words sound, but she doesn't and I can't do anything about it so…"
To his utter surprise Harry stood up and shrugged, "You should talk to her, I'll send her in."
Ron was on his feet in an instant, "NO!" Harry shrunk back, "Please don't."
"Ok," Another shrug, "But Ginny wants to talk to you, can I send her in?"
Ron gave a submissive wave, "She'll come whether I say yes or not, that's just Ginny." And a minute later in walked his baby sister who was, unfortunately, very angry at him.
"You left her there?" She practically yelled the moment she walked into the compartment, "You just LEFT HER THERE?"
"Yes."
"You prat!"
Ron stood up, towering over Ginny and glared down at her. He had just had the most sleepless night ever and all he wanted to do was go home and lock himself in his room with a book. With a book? He sat back down and instantly went to staring out the window; he'd never really realized just how much of an imprint Hermione had made upon his habits. No wonder he fell in love with her, no wonder he felt as if something was missing. She had become a part of him.
"How could you do that?" Ginny asked a little startled by his standing up only to sit back down, "She came back to the dorms crying you know."
"I don't care." Ron lied, but inside his stomach twisted, he hated it when she cried.
"Yes you do." Ginny replied in her "You can't fool me Ronald Gryffon Weasley" voice.
"No, I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No, Virginia, I bloody well don't."
"Ron." Ginny cajoled, "Remember what happened at Christmas?" Ron didn't answer, "Remember when Blaise Zabini asked Hermione to the ball and then had to cancel?" Again no answer. "Remember how you went upstairs and got dressed and were going to take her and then Zabini showed up and you didn't want me to tell her?" This time a small, very small nod, "Well…I told her."
"WHAT?"
Ginny nodded, "I told her because she came in crying last night and wanted to know if you meant it. She wanted information and reassurance."
"Oh." Ron muttered scathingly, "So she thinks I'd lie to her about something like that?" He shook his head, "Wonderful."
"Ron…"
"No, Ginny, don't defend her!" He burst out, "I made a mistake yesterday, I trusted her far to much for my own good. If she doesn't feel the same way that's fine, but the fact that she doesn't believe me…" He sighed, "Just go away Ginny, I don't want to talk about it or her, I was stupid, I did something stupid last night, I'd like to be left alone to forget about it."
And to his surprise Ginny stood up, nodded and left leaving him feeling alone. She didn't believe him, he had lost her and for all that she didn't believe him.
The door opened and behind him he could hear Ginny pleading, "Hermione, please don't go in there!"
He sighed as the door closed and immediately voiced, "Please go away."
"I want to talk to you."
"I don't want to be friends."
"Neither do I."
"Then go away."
"RON!" His head snapped around and he tried his hardest to glare at her and found he couldn't. He wasn't mad at her, he just didn't want to be around her. "Please listen to me." She pleaded, her voice much softer than it had been moments before, "I listened to you last night, now I want you to listen to me. Please?"
He nodded silently and she looked away.
'Please don't cry.' He thought.
"You scared me last night." He glanced at her, "For seven years I've had this idea in my head that, even if I wanted it, there could never be anything more to you and me," She gulped, "There could never be an us. And I was fine with that, to begin with, it didn't bother me at all and I let it slide. But…"And here her voice choked, signaling tears and Ron had to look away; he hated it when she cried. "But, somewhere between the Yule Ball and last night things changed and I couldn't really keep quiet. But, but I did, because that's what friends do and…" She trailed off and looked away from him. "This is hopeless." She muttered quietly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, "You don't care do you?"
"I don't want to hear it, no." He replied quietly, wondering why he was being such a prick.
She stared at him, did he even know? Last night had been possibly her last time close with Ron for years and he had made it both Heaven and Hell for her. For years she had told herself that the idea of him liking her was just a dream, that Ron would always have platonic feelings for her, at best. And she had kept quiet, certain that if she told him she'd loose him, something she couldn't bear. Then last night he had made her feel like a princess, made her feel beautiful and loved, a feeling she hadn't felt since her parents died. He had brought that dream, small fantasy she allowed herself to dwell on during sleepless nights to life. He had kissed her and told her he loved her and held her and that look! Merlin, the look he had used had been one of pure adoration and yet, he was nothing like the boy sitting in front of her.
The boy sitting infront of her was just that, a boy. The boy last night had been a man, one she wouldn't mind calling hers.
Suddenly furious, Hermione rounded on Ron and, tears still welling in her eyes she mustered her most dangerous tone and told him, "You can't do this! You can't tell me you love me and make me feel like the luckiest girl alive one day and then shun me the next! That's not how it works! If you love me then tell me and stick to it and don't bloody well lie to me!"
Ron looked up, both at her language and the accusation of lieing, "I never lied to you." He stated calmly.
"You said I wouldn't loose you."
"Unless you flat out rejected me!" He stood up, "Don't you see?" He asked, staring down at her with hurt in his gaze, "You rejected me and now I don't know what to think." He looked away, "When I kissed you I was asking permission."
"Permission for what?"
"To hold you." He replied, "And to wipe away your tears and to kiss you and tell you everything's going to be okay. To love you and cherish you and one day eventually marry you and make love to you. To be your knight in shining armour and you said no." He sat back down and looked away, "You said no, so I left. I don't want to be your friend 'Mione, I want to be yours and you be mine and you said no."
She sat down beside him and placed a gentle hand on his back; he shirked away from her touch, "Ron."
"Please just go."
"I didn't mean to say no."
"But you did." He replied and when he turned around they were so close Hermione could have counted his freckles, "And I made a promise that I'd go with your first reply. You said no, so now I have to quit."
"Quit…"
"Loving you, which is why I didn't come back to the common room and why I tried to hide from all of you. I just wanted to be by myself, away from you so I could begin getting over four years worth of…whatever the hell this is."
"But…but that's stupid."
"I was a taught that a proper wizard doesn't break his promises." Was his only reply and he looked away.
Hermione felt a bucket of ice wash over her; he was really turning her away. Really saying no. She looked away from his sullen figure, the memory of his lips touching hers, ever so briefly and all the raw emotion that ran through her body. He was saying no.
"And I was taught rules were not made to be broken." She murmured, "But you untaught me." Untaught wasn't even a word, she didn't think, but she was desperate. Her body remembered the way he held her, her eyes the way he looked at her, her skin the way he touched her and she found she was addicted to it. To him.
He glanced at her and she quickly added a but, "But if you want me to go…" She trailed off, and took a deep breath "Then I'll go."
Every single cell in his body screamed not to let her leave as she stood to go. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and the only thing he felt could ever really be his. Just his. And he loved her, more than anything else.
Her hand reached for the handle, "Don't go." He stood.
She immediately turned to him and buried herself in his arms. They wrapped around her as he sat and pulled her into his lap, letting her cry into his shoulder.
They sat like that for the remainder of the train ride and the only time Ron stopped telling her how much he loved her and stopped stroking her hair and back was when Ginny and Harry looked in on them.
Ginny pulled her head out of the compartment, grinning at Harry and, tilting her head to the side she said with a smirk, "You know, I think there's something between those two."
Hopelessness tugged at her heart as Hermione made her way across the Quidditch pitch and received her diploma. She allowed her gaze to drift towards the Gryffindor stands, and, more particularly, the two-empty seats which should have been filled by her parents and weren't. Hermione sighed; they had all lost people on the road leading to Voldermort's death. The Weasley's had lost Percy, Harry had lost Sirius, and she, Hermione, had lost her parents. But, unlike Ron, who wasn't much affected by the loss of Percy and unlike Harry, who had had over two years to get used to the idea of Sirius being gone, Hermione had just lost her parents, under a month ago, and she still couldn't really cope with the idea that they were gone. It didn't quite feel right, or rather, it didn't feel right at all to be walking across the Quidditch pitch in her scarlet and gold robes and taking the rolled up piece of parchment from Professor McGonagall without them there.
Alone tear escaped down her cheek to die on her lips; it was salty and friendless but Hermione still glanced frantically around for a spectator. To her utter surprise, she found Ron, still a considerable ways down the line, watching her intently, concern apparent on his features. She caught his eye and he grinned lopsidedly as he had for seven years at her, causing Hermione even more sorrow than should be allowed.
Hermione bit her lower lip, mentally chiding herself, and returned Ron's grin before joining the rest of the graduats A-G on the other side of the field. She was being silly, childish even, here it was, a day she had waited on for seven long years and all she could do was thing about the bleak past. Of course, to Hermione, the future was an even worse prospect; at least the past held Ron, the future didn't, not really.
Sure, there were the inevitable invitaions to join Ginny for the summer which she would accept, and she would probably spend her first few Chrismas holidays with the Weasley's as she this past Christmas due to circumstances….but, eventually, she would drift away, the invitations would become few and far between and when they suddenly stopped all together no one would make an effort to stay inn touch. After all, she wasn't Harry and when it all came down to it, Mrs. Weasley had never cared for Hermione as if the young girl would one day be part of the family as she had for Harry. No, the future did not hold Ron and it made Hermione's eyes well up with tears just to think about it.
When she left school, Ron and possibly Harry would become a memory; something for Hermione to dig out once or twice a year and cry over. There was no actual hope, if she told Ron what she felt for him tonight it would cause her to loose him faster, and Hermione didn't want that. He'd only look at her in that pitying way of his, the look he had used when Neville broke it off with Elois Midgen earlier in the year and when Ginny had fought with Dean and cursed him six ways to Sunday. So she'd grit her teeth, kiss him on the cheek and let him step into the real world ignorant of her feelings. She knew it would be hard, but she had bared her burden silently for a good four years and there was no reason she couldn't keep quiet for another night.
There had been a time when an overly optimistic Hermione had believed that the anger and resentment Ron wore as a suit whever she showed any interest at all in anpther boy was because he had liked her. For awhile, she had believed the rumors floating around that firmly stated, with no room left for discussion that "Ron fancies Hermione." For awhile, she had been an idiot.
She vaugely noted that Harry, tousled hair and diploma in hand, was standing beside her. She grinned, turning to the boy and embraced him before pecking him lightly on the cheek in congradulations; it would be horrible to loose him. Over the years, nothing had cut her deeper than a fight with Ron and Harry, incompetent as he was in matters of the heart, had always tried to make it up to her in one way or another. She would miss him and probably need his consolation throughout the years, but not because Ron had made her cry, not this time. Had he known how his words had effected her, Hermione was sure Ron would have been more prudent with his tongue, would have kept it in check. But it hurt he would even think some of the things he said, let alone say them.
By now Ron had joined the group, and because she was so wrapped in her thoughts Hermione missed the look of dissapointment that fluttered oh so breifly across Ron's face when she did not greet him with a hug and a kiss as she had done Harry. Harry however, did notice and cuffed his best friend on the shoulder, offering a grin as compensation which Ron weakly returned.
Ron faced forward as Dumbledore stood to adress the Quidditch pitch. But, unlike Harry and Hermione who both looked to the old man as he spoke, Ron allowed his attention to wander across the pitch. He was going to miss this place, the Quidditch pitch most of all. He gave a slight shiver as the wind whipped across, contradicting the warm summer day. Well, perhaps he would miss the Gryffindor Common Room just a bit more.
He glanced back at Hermione, the setting sun casting her brown hair into a series of different hues and sighed just loud enough for Harry to hear him and shoot him a glance. He needed to do something about it, he knew if he didn't' do something about Hermione now she'd be lost forever. He couldn't stand it if she was lost forever.
As Dumbledore finished his speech, dismissing them all Ron nudged Harry, "I'm telling her tonight."
Harry grinned.
Hours later, Ron paced nervously atop the Astronomy Tower, wringing his hands. He had asked Hermione to meet him around nine and she was late. He knew it was stupid, knew the Astronomy Tower had a bad reputation but it was the only place that would be deserted on the last night of term. Everyone else would be sleeping, getting ready to go home or snogging in empty classrooms as preperation for not seeing their "other half" for two whole months. And anyway, he wanted to show her something, something that could only be seen fully from the Astronomy Tower.
Ron ran his hands distractedly through his hair, knowing that by the time she finally arrived it'd be sticking up on end but he couldn't help it; he was a bundle of nerves. He shoved his right hand into his pocket, fngering the velvet box sitting there. It wasn't anything fancy, not really, just a promise ring, simple and silver with his name and hers engraved into the metal. He'd had it for and age, having bought it last Christmas when Hermione was sick and feeling quite down. He had never given it to her though, never even really considered giving it to her, it just sat in his trunk and he was content knowing he had it, should he ever decide to give it to her.
He plopped down with his back to the stone railing, watching the door, but when she had arrived twenty minutes later he began to doubt. What if he was going about this all wrong? What if giving and explanation would just confuse her or hurt her or some other weird girly emotion? He had learned long ago that Hermione was, indeed, female.
Would it be better just to say it and leave? So she didn't have anytime to ask questions, didn't have anytime to do anything except for stare in shock. He didn't really want an answer, he just wanted her to know. Right? Right.
The door creaked open and closed lightly and a moment later Hermione pulled Harry's invisibility cloak off, grinning at him.
"I'm sorry I'm late." She instantly apologized, coming over to stand beside him as he stood up, "Peeves wouldn't let me leave, and Harry and Ginny threw a huge party in the common room and I could barely get through." She grinned once more at him in an apolgetic way before looking out at the landscape which the sun had long ago set on.
"So…" She began, wondering why it suddenly seemed much colder than a warm June night should allow, "What did you want to speak with me about?"
He glanced over at her, leaning on the railing and reluctantly decided to follow his first course of action; an explanation.
"I just wanted to talk." He muttered, "I knew it'd be loud in the common room, last night and everything…" He glanced at her once more, suddenly feeling very childish. "It just feels weird, you know?"
Hermione felt her heart sink, he didn't want to be alone with her as she had thought, well, not alone to tell her anything important, just to talk about school ending she could only suppose.
'Well what did you think?' A sharp voice sounded in her mind, 'That he was going to suddenly admit he has feelings for you? That he loves you?' She mentally shook her head, that wasn't it, she just didn't want to talk about Harry and she knew that's was this would come to.
It was always about Harry, that was the only real reason she and Ron were friends, for Harry. When Harry came out of the Chamber in second year Ron had asked Hermione to speak with him. In fourth year, after the Triwizard Tournament Hermione had asked to speak with Ron. It was always about what they could do for Harry, what was best for Harry and even now it would still be the welfare of Harry.
"I just never actually thought we'd leave." Ron continued beside her, "I thought we'd….I dunno, spend our whole lives here within these walls." He glanced up at her, took a deep breath and muttered very quietly, "You know what I'm going to miss most?"
She shook her head, meeting his eyes, content just to watch him for the rest of eternity. It was probably best that he would never actually feel the same way for her, that way she could keep quiet, not loose him. "What?"
"The Hospital Wing." He answered, his face perfectly straight as he pointed to a glass topped roof by the Great Hall, "We spent so much time there and…I learned a lot there." He looked away both from the Hospital Wing (which Hermione was staring at in puzzlement) and her when he said this.
"Like what?" She prompted, oblivious to where this was going.
"Like a lot of things," He replied cautiously, "Like how much your friendship means to me."
Hermione immediately whipped around to stare at him, something undecipherable in her eyes, "What?" This was not where she had expected the conversation to go, not at all. She had expected Ron to reminsce over Quidditch and Chess and maybe over Voldermort, not tell her how much her friendship meant to him. She felt something tug, once again, on her resolve not to tell him.
"I just…" He shrugged, "Remember in our second year, when you…well…when…" He stumbled over the words and was greatly relieved when she nodded in the afirmative, she knew he was talking about her petrifcation.
"I guess… I dunno, but I didn't want to loose you." He looked tentatively at her and rushed on, "It was horrible not having you there to nag me and Harry about our schoolwork and when Harry was down in the Chamber I couldn't help but think how awful it would be if I lost both my best friends and my younger sister in one fatal swoop. I couldn't help but dwell on the possibility that you may never…never come back if something went wrong with the Mandrake Draught."
Hermione felt tears well up in her eyes, just as they had at the ceremony. She had always suspected that Ron might value their friendship as much as he valued his with Harry, but it was nice to be told. It was very nice to be told, she just wished he had said it earlier, because now she wanted to tell him something of her own; something she could not say.
Ron, who had been staring at the Quidditch Pitch during his speech now looked up to at her to find she was crying out right. He felt his heart sink; what could he have said that would make her so miserable? For she truly looked miserable.
"Whats with the tears?" He asked softly, "C'mon, 'Mione, don't cry."
But her tears just continued to come and finally, taking a deep shaky breath she turned away from him, picked up Harry's cloak and said, "I'm sorry, but I need to go." She folded Harry's cloak and put it beside Ron on the ground, "You can take that back to the common room, I don't think I'll need it."
He stared at her, confused. What was this about?
"Why are you leaving?"
"I'm being silly." She replied simply, "This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives and here I am crying. I don't want to ruin your last night at Hogwarts, I'll go."
He immediately reached out and latched onto her elbow, pulling her around so that she face him and placing his other hand on her other elbow so she could rest her hands on his forearms.
"What are you on about?" He asked with a chuckle, "You're not ruining my last night at Hogwarts."
"I just don't want to say something that'll make me loose you." She murmured feebly, chiding herself for being such a basketcase; so much for strong resolves.
He quirked an eyebrow, a small grin spreading across his face, the one he used when he had made a ridiculous blunder. The pad of his thumb ran circles on her arm, causing goosebumps to prick up and he reached his other hand to wipe away her tears softly.
The most un-nerving chill washed over her, unsettling every single thought Hermione had ever had about Ron. He held her like she was made of glass, his touch was so light and his eyes refused to leave hers, no matter how many times she tried to avoid his gaze.
"I don't know what you're talking about." His voice had become lower, quieter and huskier, sending even more goosebumps up and down Hermione's body. She felt ridicuously warm, even though she had earlier been very cold.
"You're never going to loose me." He assured her, "Not unless you flat out rejected me.I promise." He brushed her hair back from her face and whispered quietly, as if he were afraid she's disenegrate were he too loud. Or maybe his words would float away and have no meaning if he said them loudly, but he whispered in her ear three little words Hermione had wanted to hear for the longest time, yet knew she wouldn't, "I love you."
He had never actually meant to kiss her, he hadn't meant to touch her at all. But he liked the way she fit in his arms, the way he knew she would have fit in his arms this way all along. And it was just a feathering of a kiss, his lips on hers and he would have pushed it further, made it firmer had she not done something he felt he would never forgive her, or indeed himself, for.
She froze, went completely rigid, she didn't melt into him as he had arrogantly expected her to, but froze. She seemed to be in shock and yet at the same time Ron had the distinct feeling that all she wanted him to do was stop kissing her and leave.
He pulled back, stared at her staring at him and felt a knot tighten in his stomach, "I'm sorry." He apologized, "I'm sorry, 'Mione…Hermione, I mean. I shouldn't have done that, I made a mistake. I made a horrible mistake. " And, leaving the Invisibility Cloak beside the stone wall he left the Astronomy Tower.
The slamming of the wooden door brought Hermione back to her senses and she made a strangled half sob in her throat, trying to process it all. Ron had kissed her, not only that but he had said he loved her. He loved her! He had held her and looked at her in such a way she felt she'd never been looked at before. Not even Viktor had looked at her in that way and then he had kissed her! But….but none of that really mattered, she had to speak with him.
Turning, she left the Astronomy Tower, ran down the steps and peered both ways down the extremely long hallway. The corridor outside the Astronomy Tower was, for some reason, the longest one in the whole school. It was impossible for anyone to get out of sight of the tower stairs in that short amount of time without running and if Ron had run she'd never catch up with him.
She sunk down on the last step, her back up against the wall and let the tears flow again. He had kissed her, said he loved her and then…and then he had left. He had said he had made a horrible mistake. Kissing her had been a horrible mistake. Her heart sunk and she wondered how he could change his mind so quickly about something that had taken Hermione months to establish within herself.
The thought that this was all a joke crossed her mind briefly before she tossed it out the window; Ron would never do that to her, even if he didn't love her.
She stood up, brushed off her robes and wiped her eyes before making her way back to Gryffindor Tower, she'd just find Ron, sort this whole thing out and go on with her life…hopefully.
But when she got back to the Tower, Ron wasn't there and Harry and Ginny, who were sitting on the couch in the empty common room talkinng in quiet whispers immediately told her he hadn't been there.
"Hermione?" Ginny looked at the older girl, concern apparent in her eyes as she led the her upstiars to talk.
Harry watched them go, looked down at his watch and then stared into the fire, he'd wait up for Ron and then interrogate him as to what happened. The only problem being, of course, that Ron did not arrive back in the common room that night.
Ron stared out the window as the Hogwarts Express rumbled to life and began to pull out of the station. He hadn't gone back to the Gryffindor Common Room, certain Harry would want to know what had happened and instead spent the whole night in the Room of Requirement which, because he was thinking of her all night long, consequently filled with pictures of Hermione for him to dwell over. That morning he had gotten up, summoned his trunk once he was sure the majority of students were down in the Great Hall, had breakfast with the house elves and dragged his trunk up to the Hogwarts Express where he found a compartment and automatically pulled the sahde down over the window. He did not want to be bothered.
Last night had been one of the worst nights of his life, coming second only to the time his father was bitten by Nagina, Voldermort's purple pet snake and he didn't much want to speak with anyone.
Knock.
The door slid aside and in walked Harry, a sympathetic look upon his face.
"I'm guessing things didn't go well last night."
"I don't want to talk about it." Ron replied, scowling out the window, "Go ask her."
"I already did." Harry informed him, "She won't tell me." Ron's scowl deepened.
"I made a complete idiot of myself." Ron burst out, "That's what happened. I told her I loved her and then I kissed her and…" He trailed off at the surpirsed look on Harry's face, "What?"
"You kissed her?"
"Yes, I kissed her, I shouldn't have and I know that, so don't lecture me about it, I just…I couldn't help myself." He gave a sad sigh and avoided looking at his best mate. "I made a complete and uttter prick of myself and lost her in the process, that's what happened."
"She didn't like it?"
Ron glanced sharply at Harry, his stomach tumbling, "What do you mean?"
"When you kissed her…what happened?"
Ron looked away, the memory of the kiss, of his idiocy, playing in his mind as it had all night, "She froze, went completely rigid. I think had it lasted one second longer she would have slapped me."
"Oh."
Yeah, oh. Ron wanted to reply in the most scathing voice he could muster. Instead he mumured helplessly, "I just don't know how I read the signs wrong." He looked up at Harry, "I was sure she…sure she felt the same way."
"So was I." Harry reassured Ron, but his comment was lost on deaf ears as Ron had gone back to staring out the window.
"You oughta go." Ron mumbled minutes later, "This is your last train ride home, go enjoy it with Ginny and them."
Harry shook his head, "You're my best mate, if you don't enjoy it, I don't either." Ron gave a small smile at this, and didn't protest Harry's company anymore, this was what friends were for.
"I kinda feel like a lost part of myself, like something died." He looked up at Harry, "Like I felt when Dad got bit or Ginny was taken into the Chamber, and this one can't even be fixed." Harry nodded as if he understood which, Ron reminded himself, he probably did considering the amount he'd been through in the past seven years. "I don't even know when I really crossed the line between teasing her for fun and teasing her because I liked the way her eyes lit up." He sighed, knowing he was being terribly mushy and terribly Ginny-ish and not really caring. Harry was his best mate and Ron needed to talk to someone who would talk back, instead of photographs as he had been doing all night.
"I made her cry." He muttered in a hollow voice, a couple minutes later, "I made her cry, I made her freeze I…I should have just kept it to myself. We were all happy when she didn't know."
"You weren't happy." Harry pointed out.
"No," Ron almost snapped, "But she was, I should have seen that and known this wouldn't make her happy I just thought…I don't know what I thought, maybe that she deserved to know?" His hand automatically went up and he ran it through his hair, "I just liked the way it felt, holding her, kissing her, I like the way the words sound, but she doesn't and I can't do anything about it so…"
To his utter surprise Harry stood up and shrugged, "You should talk to her, I'll send her in."
Ron was on his feet in an instant, "NO!" Harry shrunk back, "Please don't."
"Ok," Another shrug, "But Ginny wants to talk to you, can I send her in?"
Ron gave a submissive wave, "She'll come whether I say yes or not, that's just Ginny." And a minute later in walked his baby sister who was, unfortunately, very angry at him.
"You left her there?" She practically yelled the moment she walked into the compartment, "You just LEFT HER THERE?"
"Yes."
"You prat!"
Ron stood up, towering over Ginny and glared down at her. He had just had the most sleepless night ever and all he wanted to do was go home and lock himself in his room with a book. With a book? He sat back down and instantly went to staring out the window; he'd never really realized just how much of an imprint Hermione had made upon his habits. No wonder he fell in love with her, no wonder he felt as if something was missing. She had become a part of him.
"How could you do that?" Ginny asked a little startled by his standing up only to sit back down, "She came back to the dorms crying you know."
"I don't care." Ron lied, but inside his stomach twisted, he hated it when she cried.
"Yes you do." Ginny replied in her "You can't fool me Ronald Gryffon Weasley" voice.
"No, I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No, Virginia, I bloody well don't."
"Ron." Ginny cajoled, "Remember what happened at Christmas?" Ron didn't answer, "Remember when Blaise Zabini asked Hermione to the ball and then had to cancel?" Again no answer. "Remember how you went upstairs and got dressed and were going to take her and then Zabini showed up and you didn't want me to tell her?" This time a small, very small nod, "Well…I told her."
"WHAT?"
Ginny nodded, "I told her because she came in crying last night and wanted to know if you meant it. She wanted information and reassurance."
"Oh." Ron muttered scathingly, "So she thinks I'd lie to her about something like that?" He shook his head, "Wonderful."
"Ron…"
"No, Ginny, don't defend her!" He burst out, "I made a mistake yesterday, I trusted her far to much for my own good. If she doesn't feel the same way that's fine, but the fact that she doesn't believe me…" He sighed, "Just go away Ginny, I don't want to talk about it or her, I was stupid, I did something stupid last night, I'd like to be left alone to forget about it."
And to his surprise Ginny stood up, nodded and left leaving him feeling alone. She didn't believe him, he had lost her and for all that she didn't believe him.
The door opened and behind him he could hear Ginny pleading, "Hermione, please don't go in there!"
He sighed as the door closed and immediately voiced, "Please go away."
"I want to talk to you."
"I don't want to be friends."
"Neither do I."
"Then go away."
"RON!" His head snapped around and he tried his hardest to glare at her and found he couldn't. He wasn't mad at her, he just didn't want to be around her. "Please listen to me." She pleaded, her voice much softer than it had been moments before, "I listened to you last night, now I want you to listen to me. Please?"
He nodded silently and she looked away.
'Please don't cry.' He thought.
"You scared me last night." He glanced at her, "For seven years I've had this idea in my head that, even if I wanted it, there could never be anything more to you and me," She gulped, "There could never be an us. And I was fine with that, to begin with, it didn't bother me at all and I let it slide. But…"And here her voice choked, signaling tears and Ron had to look away; he hated it when she cried. "But, somewhere between the Yule Ball and last night things changed and I couldn't really keep quiet. But, but I did, because that's what friends do and…" She trailed off and looked away from him. "This is hopeless." She muttered quietly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, "You don't care do you?"
"I don't want to hear it, no." He replied quietly, wondering why he was being such a prick.
She stared at him, did he even know? Last night had been possibly her last time close with Ron for years and he had made it both Heaven and Hell for her. For years she had told herself that the idea of him liking her was just a dream, that Ron would always have platonic feelings for her, at best. And she had kept quiet, certain that if she told him she'd loose him, something she couldn't bear. Then last night he had made her feel like a princess, made her feel beautiful and loved, a feeling she hadn't felt since her parents died. He had brought that dream, small fantasy she allowed herself to dwell on during sleepless nights to life. He had kissed her and told her he loved her and held her and that look! Merlin, the look he had used had been one of pure adoration and yet, he was nothing like the boy sitting in front of her.
The boy sitting infront of her was just that, a boy. The boy last night had been a man, one she wouldn't mind calling hers.
Suddenly furious, Hermione rounded on Ron and, tears still welling in her eyes she mustered her most dangerous tone and told him, "You can't do this! You can't tell me you love me and make me feel like the luckiest girl alive one day and then shun me the next! That's not how it works! If you love me then tell me and stick to it and don't bloody well lie to me!"
Ron looked up, both at her language and the accusation of lieing, "I never lied to you." He stated calmly.
"You said I wouldn't loose you."
"Unless you flat out rejected me!" He stood up, "Don't you see?" He asked, staring down at her with hurt in his gaze, "You rejected me and now I don't know what to think." He looked away, "When I kissed you I was asking permission."
"Permission for what?"
"To hold you." He replied, "And to wipe away your tears and to kiss you and tell you everything's going to be okay. To love you and cherish you and one day eventually marry you and make love to you. To be your knight in shining armour and you said no." He sat back down and looked away, "You said no, so I left. I don't want to be your friend 'Mione, I want to be yours and you be mine and you said no."
She sat down beside him and placed a gentle hand on his back; he shirked away from her touch, "Ron."
"Please just go."
"I didn't mean to say no."
"But you did." He replied and when he turned around they were so close Hermione could have counted his freckles, "And I made a promise that I'd go with your first reply. You said no, so now I have to quit."
"Quit…"
"Loving you, which is why I didn't come back to the common room and why I tried to hide from all of you. I just wanted to be by myself, away from you so I could begin getting over four years worth of…whatever the hell this is."
"But…but that's stupid."
"I was a taught that a proper wizard doesn't break his promises." Was his only reply and he looked away.
Hermione felt a bucket of ice wash over her; he was really turning her away. Really saying no. She looked away from his sullen figure, the memory of his lips touching hers, ever so briefly and all the raw emotion that ran through her body. He was saying no.
"And I was taught rules were not made to be broken." She murmured, "But you untaught me." Untaught wasn't even a word, she didn't think, but she was desperate. Her body remembered the way he held her, her eyes the way he looked at her, her skin the way he touched her and she found she was addicted to it. To him.
He glanced at her and she quickly added a but, "But if you want me to go…" She trailed off, and took a deep breath "Then I'll go."
Every single cell in his body screamed not to let her leave as she stood to go. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and the only thing he felt could ever really be his. Just his. And he loved her, more than anything else.
Her hand reached for the handle, "Don't go." He stood.
She immediately turned to him and buried herself in his arms. They wrapped around her as he sat and pulled her into his lap, letting her cry into his shoulder.
They sat like that for the remainder of the train ride and the only time Ron stopped telling her how much he loved her and stopped stroking her hair and back was when Ginny and Harry looked in on them.
Ginny pulled her head out of the compartment, grinning at Harry and, tilting her head to the side she said with a smirk, "You know, I think there's something between those two."