Short tag for All Hell Breaks Loose Part One, meant to fit in with the scene from the preview of part two where Dean shouts "What am I supposed to do?" Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled!
I've Given All I had (and it wasn't enough)
Do you know there's a funny thing about grief? It feels a hell of a lot like anger. Or maybe I'm just so angry I can't feel the pain of losing you, not like I should. It's like the reaper all over again. I feel cold and wrong. There's just this steady litany humming in the back of my mind, this can't be happening, this can't be happening, and my eyes are shut because if I open them, the proof is just lying there on that goddamn bed, exactly where I put you.
What am I supposed to do?
I was prepared to give my life for you, Sammy. To die for you, hell, I wanted to. I'm the one that's supposed to be dead. I'm the one that cheated a reaper, not once, but twice, so tell me, why the hell are you gone, and Dad, and I'm still here? Why am I the one left alone when that's the only thing I ever really feared?
When Mom was killed, I was just four years old; I couldn't protect her, but I got you out, Sammy. When you took me to that faith healer, I hadn't believed. I went up on that platform and let Roy heal me because I didn't think anything was going to happen; I knew if I didn't at least let the dude try, you'd never forgive me, not even after I was dead and buried. I made a mistake and someone died for me. That's not something you forget, or let go of, and I'd swore it'd be the last time it ever happened. Then Dad went and took my choice away and it was months before I could think of him without wanting to kill something.
Dammit, Sam, I swore I'd protect you. I promised Dad I'd take care of you. I told you I'd die rather than kill you –
Son of a bitch, just…son of a bitch.
The things I'd do for you, for Dad – they scared me then, and they scare me now, and even though I said things that are dead should stay dead, I can't…I just can't – I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know right from wrong anymore, and I'm tired. Hell, I feel dead inside anyway, empty of everything except this rage that's just burning me up.
God, I've given everything I had, everything, and it just wasn't enough. What am I supposed to do? What? How am I supposed to fix this? Someone just tell me, because I can't see it. I can't see my way up and out from here. I just can't.