It had been a month since Kurt found out about NYADA. And a month since he and Blaine actually had a full conversation. Once over that period Finn contacted him saying he had to get Kurt from the hospital because he crashed his car. Apparently drunk driving? Blaine tried to be a good boyfriend and talk Kurt through the whole NYADA thing but he never wanted to talk about it. He had a feeling there were other things bothering him,too, but he never mentioned them, He was also told Kurt lost ten pounds because he refused to do anything let alone eat. Seeing his boyfriend...change so much hurt him inside. It was midnight and Blaine couldn't sleep so he called Kurt to see if he was still awake.
Kurt was staring at his ceiling, in the middle of the night, trying to sleep but just not tired. It still baffled to this day that NYADA rejected him but little miss perfect Rachel got in. He tried to just shrug it off now, resorting to a lot of unacceptable behaviors to cope. Refused to let Blaine help him, hating feeling weaker therm he already did, so he took to pushing him away. He rolled his eyes when he saw Blaine was calling and answered roughly:
"What? What do you want now?"
Blaine stuttered over his words Kurt's greeting. "Uhm, I couldn't sleep...soo I thought I would call you. I-if now is a bad time, I understand." Kurt rolled his eyes and grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lighter from inside his nightstand. His dad would kill him if he knew Kurt had taken up smoking, but to hell with that. He didn't care. He lit up, his lighter making a distinctive click. "Not like I can sleep either."
"I figured. Look, I hate thinking you stay up every night thinking about NYADA. If you won't talk about it, would you at least like me to come over and stay up with you? So you aren't lonely?"
"Why do I need you to coddle me? Screw NYADA, okay? I'm fine without it."
Blaine felt an insane urge to throw his phone against a wall. He knew it was just Kurt's sadness, but it made Blaine upset to think he was giving up on his dream. He felt his throat begin to tighten. "Babe, I know you're not. It's okay. Please just let me help."
"God, why is everyone trying to baby me! I don't need help!"
"I'm not trying to baby you, I just want you to feel better."
"Bullshit," Kurt spat. He took a long drag of his cigarette. "Everyone's all thinking the damn thing. Oh, poor widdle Kurt! I can handle this myself!"
Blaine was rendered speechless at Kurt's swearing. Never had he heard him swear. "...okay. Okay. I won't bring it up again. But I miss you. Do you want to at least get coffee tomo-uh, later?" He corrected himself after he checked his alarm clock. It was only 12:10 A.M.
"You 'miss' me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I miss you. I don't know. I haven't seen you in a month and I would really like to..."
"Well maybe I just want to be alone. Did you ever think of that? Do you ever think of how I feel?"
Did Kurt really think Blaine cared so little about him? He couldn't take it anymore. He hated how his boyfriend was acting. He felt the stinging tears well up.
"Everything I do is for you, Kurt. I love you."
"Let's see how you feel next time you see me. I doubt you'll feel the same."
"My feelings for you will never be less than love."
"God dammit...did I really used to be that pathetic, too?"
Did...did Kurt, in some weird way, just say he didn't feel the same way about Blaine? This couldn't be happening. It's just a stupid school. That shouldn't affect their relationship.
"W-what?"
"You're so fuckin' clingy...it's pathetic"
Blaine used all his strength not to drop his phone and start crying. His voice wouldn't allow to be raised above a raspy whisper.
"...excuse me?"
"You heard me! Aw did I hurt your feelings? Maybe you should sing some bullshit song so things will be magically okay again."
Truth was, Kurt didn't mean that to be an insult. All he wanted was to hear Blaine's voice again. And then maybe it would all be okay again.
He felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. He could feel all his air leave his lungs. He felt his brain go numb and his heart racing.
" I...I didn't know you felt that way. Uhm, I guess...I guess I'll just leave you alone then."
He sniffled, hoping Kurt would hear and have even the slightest amount of regret.
"Bye, Kurt."
"Just...just leave me alone..I'm not the same person you're expecting."
"But you're still Kurt." At that, Blaine let out a choked sob and hung up. Sitting at his desk, he hugged his knees close to his chest and dropped his head. He shamelessly cried.
Kurt growled and threw his phone to the floor.
"Whatever Blaine. I don't need you." It was a lie. And he knew it. He needed Blaine now more than ever, but for some reason he had just become too...stubborn to admit it.
Blaine sat at his desk for a good hour before trying to go back to sleep. It was useless. All he wanted was to hold Kurt again. Not lay in an empty bed without being allowed to contact his one love. He knew nothing he could do would take his mind off of his boyfriend but it was already two in the morning. He had three hours left before it would be an acceptable time to get coffee. By himself of course. Maybe watching the early birds will distract him from his thoughts if only for a moment. Showering and carefully choosing an outfit, Blaine went down stairs and fell into one of the kitchen chairs. He was exhausted. Every breath he took hurt but he refrained from crying.
Kurt was frustrated beyond belief. But he brought it upon himself. He wanted to blame Blaine but what's the use. Everything seemed to be falling apart and now he might lose his boyfriend. Growling, he gave in. He picked up his phone and called Blaine.
A painful jolt shot through his body as he looked down at the name on his phone. The butterflies began their rampage in his stomach. Yet, he didn't pick up. Blaine instantly felt guilty when it stopped ringing and hoped Kurt would call back. He really didn't want to talk to him...but he had to.
"Oh pick the fuck up..." Kurt muttered under his breath, feeling a surge of anger when he got the voicemail.
"You know what? Fine. I was going to ask you to meet me at the Lima Bean in twenty minutes but I guess we're just over." He hung up and fell against his bed, screaming into the pillow.
Blaine stared at his phone for a good ten minutes before picking it up to listen to his voicemail. He felt the butterflies dance faster around each other at the thought of meeting up with Kurt. If he didn't call back now, they might actually be officially over. And that was the last thing Blaine wanted. Still, he mentally kicked himself as he dialed Kurt's number, being just as 'clingy' as he said he was.
Kurt was all but ready to chew Blaine's head off at this point, but he answered the phone through a tightly clenched jaw. "What. Now?"
"Y-you called."
"Yeah. I also left you a voicemail since you don't want to talk to me anymore."
"No, no I still want to talk to you. Of course I do...just...meet me at the Lima Bean? Ten minutes?"
"Yeah, fine. Sure. It's the only place open 24 hours."
Blaine let out a relieved sigh. "Cool. See you then."
"Yeah. See you." He hung up and pocketed his cigarettes and lighter. Since he crashed his car, he had no choice but to walk to the coffee shop. He pulled out a cigarette and lit up along the way.
Blaine scribbled a quick note to Cooper saying where he was in case he woke up before Blaine came back. He swore the butterflies in his stomach were about to fly out any minute. Driving to the Lima Bean, he arrived before Kurt. Ordering, he picked a table in the corner.
Kurt stood outside for a few extra minutes, finishing off his cigarette before finally stepping inside.
Being the only one in there, Blaine heard the tinkling bell above the door very clearly. His eyes shot up to see Kurt. He was right, he did look different. His black clothes really brought out his pale complexion, and the pink streaks in his hair highlighted his constant slight blush. He was beautiful still. But not in his Kurt way. Blaine couldn't explain it. He snapped himself out of his daze and looked away so Kurt didn't catch him staring.
Kurt sighed and sat down, not even bothering to order anything just yet. His clothes still reeked of a fresh cigarette.
"So...yeah, here we are."
Blaine's nose crinkled at the lingering smell of cigarettes. He also found himself staring at the new lip ring Kurt had.
"Um, yeah...were you smoking?"
"Why, going to judge me if I was? Going to reprimand me for taking up a new habit or something?"
"I'm not judging...it's just something that could, y'know, kill you."
Kurt rolled his eyes, feigning surprise. "Nooooo, really? I thought it made me look cool."
"Kurt, I just don't want you to hurt yourself, okay? And yeah, it kind of took me by surprise...what am I supposed to say." Not wanting to drive Kurt away, he lightened his tone. "Never mind. Do you want anything to drink? It's on me."
He shrugged his studded-jacket shoulders, and leaned back in his chair. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"
"Anything in particular?"
[6/ "You know my usual. Or have you become that clingy and needy that I have to give you detailed directions on how I like my damn coffee order?"
It took all the strength Blaine had not to scream at him. Through clenched teeth he said, "I'll go get your usual then." He pushed his chair back with more force than necessary.
Kurt couldn't help but keep his eyes locked on Blaine when he walked to the counter when he was sure he didn't notice. He needed to stop this...he was pushing Blaine away...
"Don't take forever, all right?" Damnit.
He rolled his eyes at Kurt's last comment. Coming back with his order, he decided to take a different approach. In the sweetest voice he could muster, he said, "Here you go, love."
Kurt was unable to suppress a blush at that, event though he knew Blaine was being sarcastic about it.
"Yeah..what."
Keeping his composure, Blaine tilted his head. "Hmm?"
"Would you stop that?"
"Stop what?"
Kurt glared at him, taking a careful first sip of his drink. "You want me to just leave?"
He smirked inwardly knowing he was torturing Kurt. "Of course not."
The delinquent boy just looked away and took another sip, trying to look annoyed but clearly a little flustered with Blaine acting so...sweet.
"Soo, Kurt. Have any other hobbies?" Even though he said it sweetly, it still sounded slightly bitchy given the situation.
"Like you need to ask. I know Finn's been keeping you up to date with the 'trouble' I've gotten into in the past month."
"I'm afraid the only things he has mentioned are drinking and sleeping. Unless that's all you do. But the piercing and safety pinned clothing say otherwise."
"What, you don't like my new fashion choice? I thought everything I pulled off was fabulous."
Blaine shamelessly looked Kurt up and down, hoping it would piss him off just a little more. "Well, it sure is different." He leaned forward resting his chin on his hand. "I'm sure your friends find it quite sexy."
"Sebastian sure does." Kurt took another sip, hiding his smirk. If Blaine was going to be a bitch about this, then he knew just how to fire back.
His face fell and he leaned back in his chair, glaring at Kurt. "I can imagine. I heard he likes to dress his bitches in leather."
Kurt grinded his teeth a little and slammed his coffee on the table. "You would know, wouldn't you? Since you're the biggest bitch in Lima."
Blaine raised an eyebrow. "Kitty's got claws." He admired his own nails before looking up again. "Kurt, I've done nothing but try to help. It's all beginning to boil down to one thing. And I'm sure you can figure out what that is."
"Don't you dare say it."
"Then save me the trouble of asking."
"How have you tried to help, anyway? Constantly following me like some lost little puppy desperate for affection? You refuse to stop asking me questions. "Kurt are you okay?" "Kurt, why won't you talk to me?" "Kurt have you been smoking?" GOD!"
"Well here's another one for you! What the hell is your problem! I'm not going to apologize for trying to figure out what's wrong, for trying to figure out what I can do to help! You won't let me in! You're right, you have changed. If you don't want me then I don't give a shit." Blaine pushed away from the table roughly and started walking off. "I'll release you from my clingy chains in your own personal hell. We're over."
"Oh, suddenly now you've grown a pair!" He stopped up quickly, it was like he wasn't in control anymore, like this rage had manifested into an entirely different person. "We're not over until I say we're over! You can't just bitch at me to meet you here then walk off on me!" Kurt grabbed Blaine's wrist roughly, yanking him to turn around to face him.
Blaine pulled his wrist away. "This relationship doesn't revolve around you, Kurt! And if I remember correctly you're the one you called me asking to meet you here!" He pushed on Kurt's shoulders just hard enough to make him stumble backwards.
The pink-haired boy was seething with rage at this point, shoving Blaine's shoulders right back. "Only because you kept WHINING about wanting to get a coffee together!"
"Sorry if I was actually trying to make an effort to keep this mess together! At least I haven't been off getting wasted every night because I didn't make it into a fucking school!"
"THAT WAS SUPPOED TO BE MY SCHOOL!" Kurt screamed as loud as he could, then just...stopped, all anger just...melting right away from his face. Sure, he had been visibly upset over his rejection, but this...this was the first time he said it out loud.
Sensing Kurt's mood change, he felt no need to waste his energy on yelling anymore. "Guess that wasn't meant to be either."
Kurt took a quick step back, words just weren't enough to explain the level of guilt and regret he was feeling right now. "Rachel...Rachel got in and I didn't...she screwed up and still managed to bribe her way in..."
"Well, there's nothing you can do about it now. No amount of blackmailing or phone calls can turn back the clock." Blaine didn't care about comforting Kurt anymore. He tried for a month to bring up the subject and the one day he didn't want to hear about it... "Move on, Kurt."
Kurt just threw Blaine another glare. "I have. And I'll move on from you just as easily." He shoved past Blaine, slamming his shoulder against him. "I don't need you making me feel sorry for myself anyway."
"Don't you dare." It was the prep's turn to grab a hold of Kurt's wrist and spin him around. This time he was looking into hurt eyes. They weren't the clouded, defensive ones from a moment ago. They were Kurt's eyes. Everything Blaine was about to say was forgotten as he stared into the pools of blue.
Kurt hadn't been able to hold it in any more, the second he shoved into Blaine the tears started coming down. "Just leave me alone..."
"I can't."
"You were so willing to a minute ago." His eyes darted away from Blaine, the anger now nothing more than shame.
"I was walking away from the Kurt who so desperately wanted to hate everyone. The smoker, the punk. But I think he's gone..." Blaine craned his neck, trying to catch Kurt's eyes.
Kurt shut them tight, the tears spilling out freely.
His voice was only a whisper as his lips inched closer to Kurt's. "Do you love me?"
The taller boy recoiled a little bit, but he opened his eyes to look at Blaine. "God...I-I'm so sorry..."
Blaine sighed. "I know, love." He straightened up and began to walk away. He expected that answer and his brain was too frazzled to fight for Kurt's love anymore. He changed. There was nothing Blaine could do.
"Where...where are you going?" Kurt's voice was panicked, squeaking. "H-honey..."
"Don't bother." Blaine called over his shoulder, not bothering to stop.
"You didn't even let me answer!"
This time he did stop, but didn't turn around. "Tell me quick to save me the pain."
"Not...not that I expect you to believe but yes...y-yes I do love you..."
Blaine scoffed and turned around. "A month of not wanting to see me. Shutting me out. Saying the most irascible comments you can think of. Why should I?"
Kurt swallowed hard and dropped his gaze to the floor. "I don't blame you for not believing me...n-not after the way I acted..."
"Why are you telling me this now?" Blaine felt sorry for Kurt, he really did. But he was too fed up and tired with all this back-and-forth nonsense.
"I-I don't know..." He stumbled backwards and fell into his chair. "I just..." Kurt let out a groan, starting to feel nauseous. "I'm so sorry..."
"You kept my up so. many. nights." Blaine let out a humorless laugh and began talking mostly to himself. "Why now do I feel like I should accept your apology and act like nothing happen. When so much did. When just a few minutes ago I was ready to leave you and you were going to let it happen."
"I stopped you, didn't I? Why would I have stopped you if I was going to let you go?"
"I don't know. I don't understand anything you do anymore anyway."
"L-look, you asked me if I still love you, and I do. Take it however you want but that's the truth."
He wanted to from the moment he started to walk away but wouldn't allow himself to. Now he lost all self control. He strode up to Kurt and leaned down, smashing their lips together. "I love Kurt. The one that smells like jasmine and rain instead of smoke. The one without pink highlights in his perfectly coiffed hair. My Kurt. Does that Kurt love me?"
Kurt tried to smile at him, running a hand through his hair. "You don't like the pink hair either? I thought that was a nice personal touch, at least..."
"Babe."
"L-look...that Kurt went into hiding because he didn't know how to deal with his problems..."
"And I tried to tell him that I would help him through anything. But the message got lost in this Kurt."
"This Kurt didn't want anyone to hurt that Kurt anymore..." He shook his head. "Look...I...I'm still me...this is getting confusing."
Blaine pulled up his chair in front of Kurt. "Then let me in. Let me be there for you. Whether it's a nightmare at one in the morning or the need for a hug in the middle of the day. Don't shut me out."
The broken boy nodded slowly, looking back up at Blaine. "I'm...I'm tired of fighting everyone...I-I just need...I need to let it all out..."
"Go ahead."
"Not...not here...can we go somewhere else?" He bit his bottom lip. "Somewhere we can be alone for a bit?"
Taking in a deep breath, Blaine agreed. "Sure, yeah. We could go to that park with the bridge...?"
"We like to go there when things get...rocky. Don't we?" He stood up along with Blaine, managing a small and weak smile.
"That seems to the pattern, doesn't it." The walked out to Blaine's car, the tinkling of the door's bell making him more sad than he thought it should.
"Kurt started wringing his hands together nervously. He wanted to hold Blaine's as they walked, but a part of him had this dreaded feeling that they weren't okay...that they were over... "Yeah.."
The shorter man sighed as he went over to open the passenger side door. Even if he was upset, he forced himself to be a gentleman. He got in the driver's side and hung on to every noise the engine made. His feet made as they scraped the pedals. The silence in the car hung heavily.
Kurt sighed, finally breaking the silence after a long while. "I don't blame you for hating me."
Blaine took in a deep breath. "I don't hate you."
"I hated feeling like this. I was angry with myself...thinking I was just selfish for thinking I deserved that spot. I mean how am I any better than Rachel if all I do is complain when I don't get what I want..."
They pulled into the park and he turned off the car. He studied Kurt's expression, unsure whether he should say anything or just let the boy keep talking. He didn't want to criticize him...this was the first time in awhile that he made sense.
Kurt put a hand to his forehead, staring off into nothing. Thankfully, he continued. "I wanted to be happy for everyone...they're all pursuing their futures. But the more I tried the angrier I got..."
Blaine finally spoke up. "Just because they're pursuing their future doesn't mean they stole yours from you."
"It..it just feels like Rachel did." Kurt stiffened, dangerously close to shutting himself in again.
"That wasn't your only chance to get it. There's always next year."
Kurt leaned forward, burying his face in his hands, shaking silently.
Blaine sighed and draped an arm across Kurt's shoulders. Damn feelings. "Hey, you can't change the past. And all of...this should make you even more determined to show NYADA what you've got for next year. Your future isn't over."
"I just wanted...I wanted one thing to go right for me. Every time I thought I had something going for me I lost it. NYADA was supposed to be my lucky break..."
"I'm sorry you've had a rough year. Chin up, though. It can only get better. And it will."
"How's it going to get better? I don't have New York, I don't have my friends..." He choked back a sob. "I don't have you...
"You will have New York, though. And just because everyone is going their separate ways doesn't mean you have to lose contact with them..."
Kurt almost held his breath, waiting for him to continue. Realizing Blaine wasn't going any further with that thought, he exhaled slowly. "I guess not..."
"It's going to be okay, Kurt. I promise."
"We're not okay, are we...I screwed this up beyond repair..."
Blaine brought his hand back to his lap and they sat in silence for a moment. He wanted to make things right with Kurt but it was hard when he was sitting there dressed in faded black and jewelry. "Like I said, things can only get better."
"I...I'm just going to walk home..."
"Kurt.."
"I can't...I can't take a break up. I won't be able to handle that..."
"Kurt."
The boy in question finally looked at Blaine, his eyes watery and desperate.
The gentleman leaned in and kissed Kurt,one hand resting on his cheek.
Kurt's eyes widened, threatening to spill over with tears again. Freezing up, he felt his mind short-circuit.
Blaine felt him tensing up and pulls back. "I-I'm sorry. That was entirely inappropriate."
Kurt quickly grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in for another kiss.
Gasping, his hand flung to Kurt's knee to steady himself.
Kurt let the tears fall again, sounding a soft sob against his lips. "God I...I'm so sorry...for everything...f-for pushing you away..."
Blaine rests their foreheads together. "Shh. It's okay, love."
"Please...god, please forgive me..."
"I do...it's alright."
"I-I promise I'll change again...I'll quit smoking...I'll re-dye my hair to my natural color...I'll do anything..."
"Thank you..I just want you to be you again..and my boyfriend."
Kurt leaned back. "You really don't think the pink looks good on me, though?"
"It looks fine. I just kind of like your hair better the other way. But if it's something you really like..." He didn't want to tell Kurt that he would only love him if he changed his hair. If that was something he felt was him, then it was okay with Blaine. But he knew the drab clothes and beanie were something Kurt wouldn't dream of keeping.
"I just...want us to be happy again. If it means changing back then I'll do it."
" don't want you to change necessarily, I just want you to be you. If being you is pink hair then okay."
"I'll go back to being the real me...I promise you." Kurt studied his reflection himself in the rear-view mirror. "This color will probably just clash with my wardrobe anyway."
Blaine couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Now there's the Kurt I know."
"Or maybe I could incorporate more pinks into my style..."
"Whatever makes you happy."
Kurt reached over and took Blaine's hand in his. "You make me happy."
Searching Kurt's eyes, he couldn't raise his voice to anything above a whisper. "I love you."
That made the taller boy blush, which was even more prominent with the pink highlights. He fucked up so bad this past month, yet he still got to keep the boy of his dreams. Not everything was taken away from him this year. He smiled at the thought and returned with an 'I love you'. It felt so good to say again.