Eliot can't declassify that

by Daria234

Short humorous ficlet about the team probing Eliot to see if all those rumors about his past adventures are true; some of the stories they've heard sound kind of unbelievable. Somewhat cracky, with an appearance by not!quite!getting!it!Parker.

For the comment_fic prompt: Leverage, Eliot & Team, There are legends about Eliot Spencer, some good, some bad. The team hears a couple of the more outlandish ones and ask Eliot about them.

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"Did you really liberate a diamond mine at the age of 12?" Sophie asked.

"No."

"At any age?"

"I can't answer that."

"Did you ever climb an elephant and shoot an arrow at its rider?" Hardison asked.

"That's from Lord of the Rings," Eliot snorted.

"So you did or not?" Hardison persisted.

"... I can't answer that."

"Did you have anything to do with that stuff a few years back in Baltovia?" Nate asked, eyes narrowed.

"I can't answer that."

"Is your secret identity Batman? Or Superman?" Parker asked.

"No."

"Did you really once kill a man with your pants?" Hardison asked.

"Can't answer that. And it was his pants. And I didn't kill him, he woke up a few hours later."

"Have you ever fought an alien?" Parker asked.

"No," Eliot said, rolling his eyes.

"Is it true that you once retrieved the Queen Carinia emerald?" Sophie asked, eyes greedy at the thought.

"Can't say. And no, I don't still have it."

"Did you really take out a full assault team in Bonn in a fluffy pillow fight?" Nate smirked.

"Can't say," Eliot glared, "And just because someone uses pillows to deflect weapons in close combat, does NOT mean they are in a pillow fight... There were a lot of pillows lying around, okay?"

"Can you do magic tricks, Eliot?" Parker asked.

"I don't think you get what we're doing here, Parker," Hardison said.

Parker thought of another question. A few, really. "Were you raised by wolves? Or by seahorses? Are you a seahorse princess? OOH! Are you a mermaid? Is that why your hair is like that, because you're a mermaid? Are you a born mermaid or a mermaid-in-law because you dated a mermaid queen? Do you ever have like a peanut butter-ish taste in your mouth even if you haven't been eating peanut butter? Have you ever punched a robot? Did it hurt? Did you ever kill someone because they were wearing a funny hat? Are time machines real?"

"Parker," Sophie said gently.

Eliot didn't blink. He just said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, can't answer that, sometimes, can't answer that, yes, no, can't answer that."

The rest of the team gaped. But Parker just smiled and said, "This game is fun. Let's do Nate's secrets next."

"No!" the rest of them said in unison.