Author's Notes:
The reference where Jackie thinks the TARDIS is haunted is from Happily Ever After. That same story reveals that the Doctor and Rose have wed unbeknownst to anyone else. Also, a flutter is UK slang for a bet.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who or Warner Brothers.
"I can't believe it's Mum's seventieth birthday today," declares Jackie as she trudges up the stairwell of her mum's flat with Pete, Rose and the Doctor in tow. They're all carrying bags of groceries and gifts to celebrate Nana Prentice's special day.
Jackie knocks on her mum's door and calls out, "Mum, we're here!" A soft, warm and inviting voice bids them inside and they all shuffle through the door to greet Nana in person.
The Doctor's eyes fall upon a frail old woman sitting in a floral armchair. Her silver hair is pulled back neatly into a bun and her knitted pink cardigan matches her pink house dress and fuzzy slippers. She wears a kind and loving smile but her eyes appear weary as she raises an oxygen mask to her mouth to take in some much needed air. The Doctor's hearts fill with sadness for the old woman and he is never more grateful than at this moment that he will never have to watch his Rose wither and die.
"Doctor," murmurs Rose, "you'll have to speak up when you talk to Nana. She's very hard of hearing."
The Doctor nods his assent and watches as Rose and Jackie run over to Nana Prentice and take turns throwing their arms around her for a hug. He leans toward Pete and quietly inquires, "Has Rose's grandmother suffered a stroke recently? The right side of her face is severely drooping under her right eye."
Pete replies, "No, she's fine. She has a bit of a facial droop because of her glass eye, it doesn't fit properly."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," sympathizes the Doctor.
"Don't be," insists Pete, "and don't feel sorry for her either. It was just the other day that I caught her pulling it out to catch sunlight to burn ants and blind some kids that were playing football in the park. Trust me, that battle axe is one nasty piece of work."
The Doctor gazes over at Nana Prentice, hard put to believe Pete's description of her. She seems harmless enough to him. Attempting to discern if Pete was having him on or not, he casually remarks, "A glass eye, hmmm? So, if she were one of the Fates…?"
"She'd be the one cutting the thread," affirms Pete resolutely. The Doctor's eyebrows rise in a mixture of amusement and disbelief but he still experiences just the slightest bit of anxiety when Rose waves him over to introduce him to her grandmother.
Rose clasps his hand firmly and smiles widely in excitement as she makes the introductions. "Nana, this is the Doctor. Doctor, this is my grandmother, the kindest, most loving woman that you'll ever hope to meet."
Nana's eyes crinkle in delight as she gazes up at the Doctor as he bends down to kiss her hand. She giggles like a schoolgirl before greeting, "Hello, young man. I'm Andrea Prentice but please call me Nana, everyone else does."
"It's a pleasure to meet you Nana," chirps the Doctor in a loud voice, feeling greatly relieved that Pete was simply having a laugh at his expense. He'd have to get him back for that later. Although to be fair, wasn't being married to Jackie punishment enough?
Jackie picks up most of the bags they brought in and motions for Rose to grab the rest. "Mum, we're going to start cooking up the nosh so I want you to just put your feet up and relax. It is your special day after all." She places a kiss on her mother's cheek before heading off into the kitchen.
Nana turns to Rose and shoos her away when it becomes obvious that she has no intention of leaving the Doctor's side. "Now you go on, Rose Tyler, and help your mum in the kitchen." She throws an impish glance the Doctor's way as she teases, "I want to have a chat with your latest man, here."
"Nana, please!" exclaims Rose as she flushes with embarrassment. "It's not like I've had a string of boyfriends before the Doctor, just Mickey and Jimmy Stone."
"Now, Rose, you never mind about those two boys!" insists Nana. "You've found a real gentleman here and I merely want to chat him up to see if he's worthy of the attentions of my little angel."
Rose chuckles softly and gives Nana a hug and kiss before she leaves to join her mum. Pete gazes on as the Doctor rocks back onto his heels in excitement at the prospect of chatting with Nana. The poor sod.
"Well, Nana, I can see where Rose acquired her beauty from and possibly the Tyler slap as well, judging by your grip earlier. I bet you're a slapper from way back, eh?" inquires the Doctor.
SLAP!"Arrghh!" groans the Doctor as he staggers into Pete who catches him easily.
Pete pats him on the back as he helps him to straighten up. "You might want to brush up on your British slang, Doctor."
Nana's warm gaze morphs into a steely glint as she scrutinizes him with an extremely dissatisfied look on her face. Taken aback by her abrupt change in demeanor, the Doctor fidgets helplessly under her frank appraisal and sighs in relief when she finishes her evaluation.
"You're a bit skinny for my taste," sneers Nana. "And you dress like a fancy man. Are you a poof?"
"Wh-wh-what?" sputters the Doctor in astonishment before regaining his equilibrium. "No, actually I'm not of that persuasion, thank you very much, and I am very and only interested in my Rose!"
"Hmmmph!" grumps Nana. "You dress like a poof. I prefer a real man, a man who dresses in jeans, leather and boots and has really, really big ears. You know, for something to hold onto. Heh, heh."
She suddenly exhibits a lust filled gaze, at least in one eye, and growls, "I can't keep my hands off a man like that."
The Doctor recoils in revulsion as he silently offers in gratitude, Thank you, Bad Wolf.
"Are you after Rose's inheritance?" demands Nana suddenly. "Because I've heard all about you, you like a bit of a gamble. You place a flutter and then you never pay your debt. You don't even carry money." She bangs her cane on the floor as she spits, "I will not have our Rose working her fingers to the bone for the rest of her days in a shop for the rubbish likes of you!"
Hearing the sound of the cane, Jackie yells out in concern, "Everything alright, Mum?"
"Of course, love," returns Nana sweetly. "I just thought I saw a spider, my mistake." She swivels her heated gaze onto the Doctor. "Much like the mistake that Rose is making by taking up with you."
The Doctor offers her his most haughty look and straightens to his full height as he declares, "Rose isn't making a mistake and I will never allow her to work in a shop unless it is of her choosing to do so. I provide Rose with everythingthat she needs."
Nana gives him the once over again and opines, "Somehow, I doubt that." Her eyes narrow as she inspects the top of his head. "What's wrong with your hair? I don't like it."
The Doctor releases an indignant sputter of outrage before defending himself. "There is nothing wrong with my hair! In fact, I have really great hair and Rose loves my — "
Nana interrupts, "You smell like bananas."
Confused by the instant switch in topic, the Doctor hesitantly informs her, "Well, yes, I might have had one or six before we arrived here."
"I hate bananas!" she hisses before making a gagging noise. Thinking that Nana's going to be sick, the Doctor jumps back out of the way, only to find himself landing on her cat's tail.
Pete is clinging to the wall in fear of his own safety as the cat simultaneously manages to bite the Doctor's leg while using it as a scratching post.
Unable to avoid the sounds of the ruckus, Rose pokes her head out of the kitchen and asks, "What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing, sweetheart," answers Nana as the Doctor dances around the room in an effort to remove the cat while howling in pain. "I'm afraid Haven's making a nuisance of herself and is bothering your lovely Doctor."
Nana makes a few kissing noises to call the cat to her and she immediately leaps into Nana's lap. "There now, love, it's alright," she soothes as she grins brightly at Rose.
Satisfied, Rose goes back into the kitchen and Nana glares at the Doctor. "Watch what you're doing you, pillock! You stepped on my poor Haven's tail!" She pets her cat consolingly. "My poor, sweet puss, did the mean man hurt you?" She looks up at the two men hanging in the background and informs them, "She's my favorite cat. The Sisters at the hospital gave her to me after my last admission."
Cats, nuns, hospitals, fumes the Doctor. It figures.
"Well, what are you and Dad waiting for?" questions Rose from behind him while carrying a tray of refreshments. "Go on and sit down you two, make yourselves comfortable. We'll give a shout as soon as the tea's ready."
The Doctor sees Nana blow Rose a kiss before he permits himself a moment to follow Rose out of the room with his eyes. He really does love her. He knows that he must if he's willing to sit here and endure this inhumane suffering.
He turns and without looking down, raises the glass to his lips. He's about to drink heartily when he notices Nana's dentures sitting at the bottom of his drink. Pete shakes his head in consolation as Nana flashes a big toothless grin at the Doctor.
"That's fine," mutters the Doctor as he sets down the glass. "I wasn't thirsty anyway."
An hour passes and the Doctor has felt the slow tick of every second as he watches in disgust as Nana gulps down her third pear — flavored tapioca pudding while viewing her favorite movie, Gaslight.
He doesn't take his eyes off of her as he blurts, "It's like Michigan J. Frog, Pete."
Pete's brow furrows in bewilderment as he asks, "What are you talking about?"
The Doctor explains, "Warner Brothers made a cartoon years ago about a frog who would only sing and dance for the man that found him. However, he would never, everperform in front of anyone else." He points at Nana. "Her sweetness and light act in front of the women and her abhorrent behavior towards us?" She's Michigan J. Frog."
"Really?" considers Pete thoughtfully. "She reminds me of someone else. Look at the way she gives us the evil eye and plots our demise while she uses her breathing apparatus. It's like being trapped in a room with Darth Vader."
The Doctor nods his head wisely at Pete's astute assessment. Pete mentions, "Jackie told me that Nana used to be a missionary." He laughs bitterly before he takes a swig of his tea. "As if the heathens didn't have enough to worry about."
"Jackie was also partly named after her. You know her two middle names of Andrea Suzette?" queries Pete. At the Doctor's widening eyes at the realization of what this implies, Pete continues, "That's right. Her initials are A.S.P. as in the deadly snake, the asp. How appropriate, huh?"
The men's conversation comes to a halt when Jackie shouts, "Tea's on, everybody. You two escort Nana to the table and be sure to be careful with her!"
The Doctor and Pete glance at each other before sliding their gazes over to Nana who is showing them a two-fingered salute. The Doctor closes his eyes and sighs dejectedly, "We're dead."
"So?" grouses Pete. "What do you care? At least you can regenerate."
The Doctor gawks at him in amazement. "And you think I want to come back to that?"
Pete casts a quick peek at her angry countenance before agreeing, "Yeah, you're right, we're dead." He lets out a mirthless chuckle as he poses, "On the bright side, maybe the coroner will mistake the weathered old bin bag for the corpse and cart her off instead."
"Ever the optimist, eh, Pete?" responds the Doctor.
They rise off of the couch and slowly approach her as if they were trying to overtake a cobra, which is actually pretty accurate, once Nana hisses at the Doctor while striking out at Pete with her cane.
The men make short work of guiding Nana to the dining table and rapidly seat her with a minimal amount of fuss all under the guise of Jackie and Rose's watchful gaze. Everyone is able to tuck in immediately as Rose and Jackie had already laid out everything on the table and filled up the plates before calling them in.
In his eagerness to quench his thirst, the Doctor spills a fair amount of water on himself. Nana inquires cheekily, "My Jackie tells me that your ship is haunted, are you a sailor?"
"No," replies the Doctor curtly in an effort to deter any further conversation with the woman.
"Are you sure?" persists Nana. "Because I think you're all wet!"
Both Jackie and her mum cackle with glee at the Doctor's obvious discomfort. He shifts uncomfortably as his imagination begins to take over and he envisions them as witches, warts and all. He darts a quick glance at his wife and is greatly relieved to see that he still only pictures her as his beautiful Rose.
He's heard the saying that if you want to picture your wife in twenty years then just take a look at her mum. He chances another swift peek at the head of the table where Jackie and her mum reside, presiding over the festivities as if they were the Queen of England and the Queen Mum. He gives a slight shudder at the mere possibility of Rose turning out anything like either of them and ponders how he could achieve permanent banishment from their domestic kingdom without bringing werewolves into the fray?
Oblivious to the tense undercurrent between Nana and the Doctor, Rose laughs, "Oh, Nana, your sense of humor is just awful but I love you anyway." Nana smiles fondly at her granddaughter and just a little wickedly when she hears her following statement. "I'm sorry for speaking so loudly earlier, Nana. I wasn't aware that you bought a new hearing aid. Mum says it's real posh too, top of the line."
The men freeze and stare across the table at each other as Jackie asks, "So how is that new aid working for you, Mum?"
Pete and the Doctor drag their gazes over to Nana bit by bit just in time to hear her reply, "It works a treat, love. I barely have to put it on the first setting and I can hear every single wordclear as a bell.
The men alternately stare at the ceiling and at the table as the Doctor silently recalls the famous quote, For whom does the bell toll for? It tolls for thee. He sighs inwardly. This is why I hate domestic.
The Doctor's brief introspection is interrupted when Rose leans over and whispers to him. "Doctor, do you see the way Nana is fidgeting in her seat? That means that she has to go to the bathroom. Could you please help me with her?"
The Doctor stares back at her in horror and pleads, "Please, please tell me that you don't want me to change her nappy!"
Rose rolls her eyes at his usual jumping to conclusions and admonishes, "No, of course not! Besides, she doesn't even wear a nappy. I just want you to help me assist her with walking to the bathroom so that she doesn't fall. That's how she ended up in the hospital the last time."
The Doctor sees the logic in this and also the best reasoning to avoid any prolonged hospital visits to Nana as well as any new feline additions to the family. "Alright," he concedes gracefully, "I can do that."
He and Rose walk up to Nana, one of them on each side and he attempts to help her into a standing position before she bats him away. He tries again with the same results and after a hard swat to his right eye, he has to ask, "Nana, have you ever taken any lessons in Venusian Karate?"
*****Hours later, curled up on the sofa in the TARDIS library*****
Rose apologizes profusely as she holds a frozen steak against his black eye. "Doctor, I can't tell you enough how sorry I am about tonight. If I had only known how Nana was treating you, I would have insisted that we leave right away."
"It's fine, Rose," he claims sincerely. "The last thing that I ever want to do is to come between you and your family. You chose me over them once and I never want you to have to be put in that position again."
Rose bears a small worried expression as she inquires, "So after everything since we've been married and tonight especially, do you regret doing domestic for me?"
Gazing down at his wife, the Doctor doesn't need to open their bond to know that although she tries to sound as if the question is in jest, the agony she is expressing over his answer is all too real.
"My wife, my darling bond mate…myRose," murmurs the Doctor with every ounce of love that he possesses for her in both of his hearts, "it's not domestic when it's love."
Beaming in response to his reply, she pulls him to her by his shirt collar and kisses him for all she's worth, for all that they're worth together, and that is most definitely saying a lot.
When they both need to part for air, she trails her fingers down his chest with a seductive gleam in her eye and purrs, "Is there anything that I can do to make it up to you?"
"Yes," declares the Doctor decisively. "You can swear to me on all my remaining lives that the next time that I have to see that woman is her funeral. Oh, and when her time comes, I don't want Bad Wolf bringing her back."
Rose slaps her hand against his chest as she chastises, "Doctor!" but laughs along with him anyway. When she catches her breath, she states, "I think you can handle a few visits a year. After all, we have all of time and space to avoid her the rest of the time. Speaking of which, where do you want to go next?"
"I don't know," he replies, "but definitely someplace more cheerful." He watches her out of the corner of his left eye while musing, "Perhaps, Platform One, 10 Downing Street, Canary Wharf?"
Rose's retaliation is swift as she picks a pillow up off of the sofa but she is unable to deliver even one blow as she is interrupted by the ringing of her mobile. She mouths 'you are so lucky' as she answers, "Hello? Oh, hi, Nana! What? You won a trip and you want us to accompany you? Where? Wait a minute, did you say Canary Wharf? What? Oh, okay, let me just check with the Doctor."
She turns to the Doctor and finds the room empty, all save for the echoing sounds of his converse slapping against the metal grating of the TARDIS corridors. She smirks in amusement as she returns to the caller and announces, "I'm sorry, Nana Tyler but it looks like we won't be able to make it. It's such a shame too. I know how much the Doctor would have loved to go to The Canary Islands and visit their banana plantations. Oh, well."
The End