Title: A Cry For The Lonely
Author: Beefcake the Mightly
Rating: T because it's not QUITE dirty enough for M, but K bores me.
A/N: Okay, so I just randomly came up with this idea on the bus today whilst listening to RENT (and all of its fabulousness). I was listening to Roger and Mimi and, suddenly, BAM! It hit me! I think some bug actually did hit me in the forehead or something, because there is this weird red mark up there, but that might just be from my typical purposeful clumsiness. (yeah, I am so perfect that sometimes I have to make mistakes so people aren't scared or something….oh yeah…)
So, here it is, my wonderful RENT-gone-Lily/James!
BY THE WAY, I do NOT own lily or James or RENT. sigh I know, tragic. But it's true. Well, I do actually own a few people, whom I use as slave labor to make me various things and carry me around on a metaphorical throne. Exactly.
HAHA, JUST KIDDING. Unfortunately there isn't any RENT here right now. Actually, I might have some RENT in here later, but I don't have any right now, because I was going to make it a songfic, but then I had this AWESOME idea, and so it changed and stuff and it wasn't a songfic anymore…(see bottom Author's Note)
Anyway, I still don't own James or Lily. Oh well. However I do own….a staple. It is a magnificent staple. You would like it, I think. So, I do not own James or Lily, but I own a staple. I think I shalt survive. Wish me luck!
Um, I don't have a dedication, but I NEED a dedication, so I dedicate this to…..Rachael. My dear friend Rachael, who is ahmazingful and my most SPECIALIST FRIEND. I mean, she is really Niobe's most specialist friend, but that is okay. I think she deserves to be TWO people's most specialist friend. She is just so wonderful like that….
((lyrics that the fic was based upon are at the bottom of the chapter))
James's POV
He was a shell now. Maybe the others had noticed; he sure had. What was he supposed to do, act as if everything was normal? As if his heart hadn't been ripped apart at his parents' death? As if he wasn't empty now, barely surviving, not thriving? He had no one. Well, he did. But he couldn't think of them now; his grief had pulled him in like a tidal wave, and he could focus on nothing but survival, nothing but being. It had been some months since the "incident"—yes, that was how he referred to it. What was he supposed to call it, "the brutal murder of his loving parents"? no, it was much better to be indifferent. To not care. It was the only way.
But now he was paying for it.
Lily's POV
Oh, she missed him. Lily wouldn't admit it to anyone else, but she knew that she yearned for his company, for his crude jokes and his arrogant smirk and his hair ruffles and everything that she claimed to loathe about him. Every last bit of him that made him, well, James Potter. But it was too late now. She knew it. But then why did she keep trying?
"Hello, James," she had said to him the other day during Head rounds.
"'Lo." He looked at her a moment with a serious expression, then stared ahead, as if he had already forgotten she was there.
Where was the playful banter, the annoying question that had always provoked flamed cheeks from lily? Where was the boy that she knew? Lily didn't know. All she knew was that he was gone, and in his place was this studious, tired boy; he almost resembled Remus, except Remus was happy, and this beautiful disaster of an almost-man was not. He was broken, and lily couldn't fix him.
She had never really hated him. Frankly, she had liked him from the start. Sure, she had bitched and bickered and yelled, but it was hate love, really. She rejected him because she loved seeing him bounce back, loved fighting with him just for the contact. Sure, it was cruel, but she just didn't know any other way to act about him. Tender kindness was a foreign feeling for her, at least around James.
So, what else to do but what she usually did?
Time to start the healing process. So maybe it was a bit abrupt, her idea. But what was she supposed to do, after all? The only thing she could do was start a fight…and hope he responded. It was simple, but usually plain was better. Less guess work, less room for something to go wrong. Or maybe more room. Well, she would find out.
"Potter?" Lily said abruptly, a few days after the previous short conversation. Time to put her plan into action.
Slight surprise flitted across James's face at the use of his last name, but he remained otherwise indifferent.
"Lily?"
"What exactly are you doing?" Lily crossed her arms and tossed her hair, giving the usual signs of an approaching Battle of the Lovers (A/N: or not lovers…yet, anyway…ah, the wonders of hate-love….).
"I don't know what you mean." James said quietly, although he showed otherwise as his body automatically reacted to hers, slipping into his usual leaning I'm-so-cool-you-don't-even-know stance. He hadn't used it in a while; he almost tripped. But it was still effective, and it caused a familiar stirring in lily's stomach. This was what she was looking for. Maybe her plan just might work….
James's POV
What was this that Lily was going on about? What could she possibly mean? 'What was he doing'? He was walking. D'oh. Wait, where did that come from?! James hadn't used sarcasm in…well…a long time. It was such a recognizable feeling that James couldn't help but lean against the wall and raise his eyebrow at Lily.
"Of course you know what I mean! You aren't stupid. At least, that's what I've been told. You seem to have gotten considerably denser lately." Lily's cheeks were slightly pink, as if awaiting the fight. James shrugged indifferently, accepting this.
She was trying to get a clash out of him, but James wouldn't give it to her; he was done with that nonsense now. Too many other important things to be done to waste energy on pointless endeavors. "Maybe I am stupid; I wouldn't know."
Lily spluttered at this. "What do you mean you wouldn't know?!"
James shrugged again. "If I was really that stupid then I probably would realize it, now would I?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are being stupid, Potter."
"Oh really now?"
"Yes."
"Then please, Lily, explain to me that interesting deduction. I can't imagine how it would apply to me." Ah, there was that sarcasm again. But it felt good, so James went with it. He stepped off the wall and advanced towards her, continuing on. "And further on that note, why don't you just tell me exactly what I am doing wrong, and how exactly you are going to fix it."
A smile flashed across her face; evidently this feeling was what she was aiming at. "Now, if I did that then you might get nightmares. And we wouldn't want ickle Potter to be scared, now would we?"
"Right, because that would mean someone—someone being you—would have to come and comfort me, now wouldn't it? And you would never comfort me, would you, Evans? I think you are the scared one here."
"Yes, Potter, I am the one who is hiding behind his mourning and black clothes. I'm the one who doesn't do anything with anyone any more because I'm too scared that they'll die and leave me. Right, James. Right." She had called him James?
"Ah, so that is what this is about. You think I'm a coward." For some reason he was slightly depressed by this notion. Was it so bad that there was one more fatal flaw that she found in him?
She laughed bitterly. "Maybe I do, Potter." Ah, back to that… "Maybe I think that you are oblivious to the stuff that's going on around you. Maybe I think that you are hurting your friends by ignoring them, and destroying your life because of grief."
"Oh, so I just don't pay attention, do I? I don't make fun of people, or pull pranks, is that it? Isn't that what you've always wanted me to do? Be a good little boy? And anyway, Lily, you're a hypocrite if you think you can accuse me of hurting people." James shook his head, more to clear his head of the silly thoughts popping back up about his love for this girl, rather than to deny her words.
"Of course; that's what I'm saying, Potter! You aren't… aren't… aren't you anymore! And who said this was about me? It's about you, and Sirius and Remus and Peter. And about your teachers, and everyone who looks up to you. What do you think you are doing to them, hm? They need you. They need your support and confidence and good nature. They need to know that it's possible to get past their own grief! But you wouldn't know about that, would you? Did you ever think of all those other people? You aren't the only one in the world."
"So what do you want me to do, Lily? Do you want me to go up to the whole school and say 'Alright, everyone, I am horribly deep in grief and Voldemort is rising as we speak, but everything will be okay.'? Because somehow I don't think that that would do much."
Lily flinched slightly at Voldemort's name, but it didn't show in her voice as she glared at him, furious at his lack of passion for the cause. "Even that would be better than this, this lying about. And what a time to start being cynical again! It's like you don't even care!" Lily scrutinized his face for a moment, and then leaned back, a struck look on her face. "You don't care, do you? You really don't care what happens."
James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't deny it. He couldn't. He didn't know himself. Well, maybe he did. But what was he supposed to tell her? There was nothing he could say to Lily that would change anything. "What do you want from me, Lily? I'm only one man."
Lily's POV
Well, by now Lily was close to tears. She had started this argument to get James to interact, and it had turned into a full blast feeling letdown. Now what?
"How am I supposed to respond to that, hm? How can you not care about the war, about what was happening to everyone every day? How can you not do anything?!" She could feel the salty water streaming down her face, but Lily resisted the urge to wipe them away. Let them fall, let James see what he was doing. If he wasn't going to feel guilty for what he was causing behind his view, let him feel guilty for what he was causing in his sight.
A pained look flew onto James's face. "Lily…" he started. James reached out to touch her, then drew back. Was he not even going to try?
"Typical Potter," She spat out. "You can't even bear it? You think the pressure is too much, do you? Well if you want some sympathy, go somewhere else. Oh, and in case you didn't hear, my parents were attacked last night. I'm going home for a week or so. Maybe when I get back you'll have done something…anything, really." And with that Lily walked away, trying to stem the tears that had already overflowed.
James's POV
James just stood there and watched her walk down the hallway. Nothing. There wasn't a single thing he could do. Well, maybe….
He walked slowly back to Gryffindor Tower, making sure that he didn't run into Lily. She would need to cool down…but once she got back, maybe she might get fired up again, just for him….James smiled. I suppose there's hope yet. Especially if I get to keep her around.
Finally he reached the portrait, and James flashed the Fat Lady a grin as he told her the password. She blushed crimson and fluttered girlishly. And his charm was back. Now to just use it on some others. He could get back into his old self, just a bit more mature, is all.
He had decided it. Time to stop being a baby and suck it up. There were others to take care of, and he was done mourning. Lily had sparked something inside of him, and now it wanted to go up in flames. Ideas floated inside his head and he pondered each one as he bounded up the stairs to the dorms and stripped to his boxers.
"Hey, guys!" James said excitedly when the others looked at him in surprise. "Do we have any more of those peppermint firecrackers? What about the cinnamon ones? Something festive, of course… vanilla?"
"What happened, mate?" Sirius exclaimed, watching as his friend dug through his trunk for some parchment. "You're like, like…Prongs again!"
"Was I ever not? I mean, it's not like I switched bodies with Peter for three months or something." James flopped onto his bed once he had found a scrap of parchment and a quill and ink.
"You have to admit, you were a bit off for a while there." Remus laid down his book and looked intently at his friend, examining him for any signs of insanity. James couldn't blame him; he had been pretty off for a while and he wouldn't be surprised if they sent him to the hospital wing.
"I was, but I'm good now. So, I'm thinking some for….."James trailed off, lost in thought. Everything had to be perfect for when Lily got back. "Hey, do you all know when Lily gets back? I know she leaves tomorrow, but she didn't say when she was returning."
"So you were with Lily, were you? Ah." Said Sirius, as if this explained all. And if Sirius knew James like he thought he did—and he did—then it did explain all.
"Yes, I was. And she practically slapped me. Verbally, anyway."
"She hit you?" Peter asked, appalled at the thought of any harm coming to his idol.
James rolled his eyes. "Of course not. Lily would never hit me."
Sirius snickered at this. "Right, she absolutely hero worships you, James. You can't get her off of you." James threw a pillow at his friend at this.
"Just because you don't have the perfect girl crawling all over you, with all sorts of concerned thoughts about your health…"
"So that's why you're in such a good mood." Remus nodded, understanding. "Lily talked some sense into you, then?"
"Are you calling me senseless, Moony? How DARE you!?" James mock glared at his friend.
"No, James, he's calling you fat." Sirius said, putting on a girlish voice. (Which he was oddly skilled at….)
"OMG!!" James jumped from the bed and tackled Remus. Sirius joined in and soon they were a sweaty pile of smexiness, sweat, and pillow feathers.
"It's nice to have you back, mate." Sirius said, panting in exertion. He gave James a friendly slap on the back.
James rubbed the spot where Sirius had hit him; Sirius hit hard. "It's nice to be back."
Sirius lay back, his head hanging over the side of the mattress. "So, what was this you said about peppermint crackers?"
"Ah, well…." James grinned mischievously. It was time to get to work. Lily wouldn't know what hit her…..
--
So, what did you think? I know, I know, it was weird-ish. I intended it to be a RENT crossover, but then it took on a new turn and suddenly BAM, another one of those grand ideas. Well, actually it was more of a growing thing that hasn't completely formed yet. So it wasn't much of a BAM. But I wanted to say BAM, so I did.
REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW………
I LOVE YOU ALL!!
LOVIES,
Bub'les
Lyrics
(which inspired the fic): Let's
Just Make This Part Go Faster
I
Should Tell You I'm Disaster
I Forget How To Begin It
I Have Yet -- To Be In It
I
Should Tell You (x3)
ROGER I
Should Tell You (x3) Well, Here We Go Oh No I Know--This Something Is Here Goes Guess So Who Knows Who Knows Where Trusting Desire - Starting To Learn So Here We Go Oh No I Know Oh No Who Knows Where -
Who Goes There Here Goes (x5)
I
Should Tell I Blew The Candle Out
Just To Get Back In
I'd
Forgotten How to Smile
Until Your Candle Burned My Skin
I Should Tell
Now
We--
Here
Goes--
It's Starting To
-Who
Knows-
Who Goes There
Who
Knows
Here Goes
Walking
Through Fire Without A Burn
Clinging - A Shoulder, A Leap
Begins
Stinging And Older, Asleep On Pins
Now
We--