AN: A sad little fic – the first of my songfic 'album' based on The Calling's album Calmino Palmero
Disclaimers: Song lyrics are 'Unstoppable' and © The Calling, Squall and Seifer are © Squaresoft
Warnings: SxS light yaoi, major angst – v. unhappy fic :(
Unstoppable
Come and lay right on my bed, sit and drink some wine
I'll try not to make you cry
What would the rest of Garden think to see us here, now, drinking a dry white wine in companionable silence? I don't think they'd believe their eyes. I'm still not sure that I won't wake up and find that it's all been a dream. I don't want it to be a dream. Please Hyne, don't let it be a dream. I don't think I could cope if it was. Truth be told, I don't know how I've coped without the blond sitting opposite me.
I stare into his eyes, watching him watching me. The green flickers and shifts in colour as the muted television screen reflects light onto his face. We don't need words to talk. I watch him take a deliberately slow sip of wine, and hide a small grin behind my own glass.
My slight expression of happiness and contentment fades. What we're doing only makes it harder to tell him what I must. I close my eyes, trying to stop him from realising there's something wrong, but he knows. He always knows when there's something I'm hiding. I don't want to tell him. I don't want to make him cry, and I know he will. Shit! I curse myself angrily and silently, feeling a calloused thumb wiping away my own tears. There's no easy way out of this situation.
And if you get inside my head, then you'd understand
Then you'd understand me
I let him gently prise the wine glass from my grip, putting both hands to my eyes in a futile attempt to stem the tears. He must be getting pretty used to this. It's the fourth night in a row I've broken down in front of him. The fourth night since I got the results back…
I barely hear his whispered words of comfort, his entreaties to know why I'm crying. Four nights I've chickened out of telling him. The great Squall Leonhart, Commander of Balamb Garden, son of Laguna Loire, President of Esthar, scared of a few words. But then, I've never had a way with words. I guess I don't take after my father in that way.
It tears me apart. The knowledge. Why does my life have to be like this? Every time I have happiness within my grasp, something comes along and rips it away. First the GFs destroyed our memories and drove us apart. Then Ultemecia stole him away from me. And now, just as we finally find our peace, I learn that this parting will be final. There's no return from death.
Why couldn't I have died in time compression? Why couldn't I have died before he returned? Or failing all that, why could I not have just stayed aloof. Why did I have to choose now to open myself to hurt, to open him to the pain of loss. This is exactly why I never let anyone in before.
Why I've felt so alone, why I kept myself from love
And you became my favourite drug
But I could never resist him. He was always able to make me react, purely emotionally. We've never needed words to communicate. Like the scars. That was sheer adrenaline, pure anger on my part. I saw red, and I don't mean the blood that coated one eye and obscured my vision. But I guess there was a little fear in there as well. He'd never really injured me before, that's not to say that I don't have other scars from our training, we train hard, and neither of us can afford to make mistakes – he has a few scars from me too – but nothing as serious as that. We'd never needed Dr Kadowaki before.
I was hurting then, and I'm hurting now – emotionally. But somewhere the emotional pain becomes a physical need.
So let me take you right now and swallow you down, I need you inside
I feel my skin flushing with desire as I turn my head, searching for his lips. At least the results gave me that much comfort. My time with him may be limited, but at least I've not put him in any physical danger.
His lips evade me, and I open my eyes, feeling soaked eyelashes slowly unstick themselves. At least I've stopped crying, a minor blessing. He's staring at me, confused, concerned. My eyes plead with him, but he shakes his head. I guess tonight he's not going to let me go any further until I get to the point I've avoided for four nights.
If we had this night together
If we had a moment to ourselves
If we had this night together, then we'd be unstoppable
I turn my face away and close my eyes again, feeling fresh tears trembling, on the verge of falling. Why can't I just pretend there's nothing wrong? Why can't I just forget about it all? Why can't it just all go away?
The tears begin falling anew. I don't even know how he'll react. Will I lose him completely? I don't want that to happen… I couldn't live if that happened. I suddenly feel his arms around me, lifting me from the sofa briefly as he sits and places me on his lap. I lean into his chest, feeling his shirt dampen beneath the onslaught of my tears.
The great Squall Leonhart – crying his eyes out on his rival's shirt like a three year old.
Do you think that this is right, or is it really wrong
I know that this is what we've been wanting
I know it's right to tell him. I know it is. But it feels wrong. As though not saying the words will make those printed in black and white any less real. He senses my hesitation, breaks the silence first.
"It's to do with the tests, isn't it." I'd told him I was going to Esthar for a medical to do Laguna a favour, although that has to be the lamest cover ever. He knows that any time I can get Laguna in hot water, or any water for that matter, I will. Call it seventeen years of payback.
Still, he professed to believe me. Maybe he did. Maybe he thinks that my going put Laguna on the spot for something worse. I know he was glad I was going, because he'd commented on my not looking too good the previous week. That was the reason I went. Only, it wasn't just last week, but the week before that, and pretty much since after all the celebrations had died down after Ultemecia's defeat.
"Yes…" I force the word out. A choked whisper, my voice roughened by my tears. He places a possessive kiss on my scar. And my heart leaps.
"I don't care what it is. I love you."
And all this burning in my soul, it fills up to my throat
It fills up 'till my heart is breaking
Hyne… Why did he have to say that? It's hard enough as it is. Without warning the pain lances through my chest, clutching my heart in icy fingers, teasing it before passing on. Damn! Well I didn't expect to be sitting around crying my eyes out. I didn't expect to be in any state to think, never mind feel.
"What's wrong?" He asks, voice laden with concern. I must have jumped like I'd been goosed as the pain hit me. I shake my head weakly. I don't know, exactly, how long I've had this, but I do know how it goes when I don't take the tablets until I do. Sure enough, a second flash of pain strikes, lingering longer than the first. Long enough for me to stiffen and arch my back reflexively.
"Squall?" Real concern now. I have to get to the tablets, but he won't let me get up.
"Please…" I plead with him, and he lets go, but follows me as I retrieve the medicine from a drawer in the bathroom. I hear his surprised intake of breath as I pour three small red pills into one hand, swallowing them dry, one by one.
The tremors hit me as the drugs take effect, deadening my senses. I grip the sink in both hands as my legs turn to rubber. My knuckles go white. Meanwhile, he's trying to find a label, something, anything, on the bottle to tell him what I can't.
If we had this night together
If we had a moment to ourselves
If we had this night together, then we'd be unstoppable
It hits me as the tremors subside and my legs agree to take my weight once more. I can't say it. So I'll just tell him the way they told me. He grabs my arm as I go to walk out of the bathroom. "What are these?" I stare at him sadly. "Please, Squall… You gotta talk to me…" He sounds scared. Shit, not as scared as I'd be feeling without those tablets holding me up.
The effect won't last forever though. Besides, those tablets are meant to help me sleep at the same time. The others, the ones I take in the morning, are meant to keep me awake. Or at least, are meant to have no effect except pain relief. "I'll explain… just… give me a minute…" The words come out brokenly. But at least they come out.
He reluctantly releases my arm, but follows me as I walk over to my desk and rummage at the bottom of a drawer. I pull the envelope out, and pass it across to him silently. "The results." He realises, putting the tablets down on the table so he can open the envelope.
Now we can both learn
I guess this will make it real. Finally. No more running from the truth. Not even the tablets could make it real. Only he can do that. I watch as he reads the results, lips moving silently. Tears spring to his eyes, but he blinks them away. There's no outburst of denial, no reaction of disgust or horror, nothing, except a dawning comprehension.
"Hyne Squall…" He looks up, hurt in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me when you found out?" I shrug. He knows why. It's real now. I can't hide from it anymore. I can't keep telling myself that it's just aches and pains from training and that the red and black tablets are just pain killers.
I have to face the fact that I have I-AIDs.
Incommunicable AIDs.
I'm dying.
Somehow, you'll see it's all we have
Love, it keeps us together
And I need love
"Squall." I look up at him, my gaze having dropped to my desk. Slowly he tears the medical report to shreds. "I don't care. I love you. Whatever happens. I love you." I swallow, fighting tears of relief. At least when the end comes, I won't be alone.
"I was scared… you'd leave me…" He shakes his head in violent denial, then grins.
"I've told you before." He waves a playful finger at me. "It'll take more than a dodgy medical to make me leave you." I can't suppress the smile. I'm glad he hasn't changed. Or rather, I'm glad that he's not acting any different towards me.
When I wake up without you, knowing you're not there
I'm only feeling half as good
But I have to know, now it's real, if he'll feel the same in daylight. I walk around the desk and into his embrace. He tilts my head up and presses his lips gently against mine. I close my eyes and allow him to do what he will. Which, for once, is nothing more exciting than undressing me and settling me comfortably into my bed.
"Seifer…" I grab his wrist as he stands to leave. He stops and looks at me, questioning. "I don't want to be alone." He grins.
"I thought we weren't supposed to be official?" I shrug. You can afford to break the rules when you know you're dying. It's a liberating feeling.
"Take it as the wishes of a dying man?" I suggest. He frowns, expression darkening suddenly.
"You're not dying." He snaps fiercely. I close my eyes and sigh, then look at him again.
"I promise not to brood on it, if you promise to accept it." He stares at me for a moment, then slowly nods. For a moment we stare at each other, redefining our relationship. "C'mon then." I pat the bed next to me. He grins again, and slowly begins to undress.
Well I'm gonna find a way
To wrap you in my arms, you make me feel alive
I fall asleep, wrapped in his arms, pressed against his chest. Tomorrow will bring change, for everyone. Tomorrow we will be official. And tomorrow I must decide who, if anyone, else I tell… After all, it's none of their business. Not really.
But tomorrow is still a lifetime away, and I am content, in the arms of my lover. My knight.
If we had this night together
If we had a moment to ourselves
If we had this night together, then we'd be unstoppable
AN: Said it was unhappy… 'Sometimes happiness is never meant to last, but sometimes it can last just long enough.' – I wanted to work that into the fic, but it just didn't work out as I was writing :(
oh yeah, I'm not an expert on AIDs, so I'm not sure how technically accurate I've been _ *grimaces* please forgive any glaring errors of any sort – or, even better, RxR so I can correct it :)