NOTE- I DO NOT OWN POWER RANGERS, TACO BELL, TYLENOL, OR THE COLOR
LAVENDER.
First of all, this story is rated R for adult language, (naughty words), and mature situations, (naughty stuff). This is my first Power Rangers Dino Thunder fanfic, and I hope that the those of you who take the time and read it will like it. Also, if you are close to any of the characters, or if you cannot stand any one of them being made fun of, stop reading, because I MAKE FUN OF EVERYBODY! Oh, and this story is not that accurate. You were warned. So please, R&R, and enjoy!
Once upon a time, in a place far, far away, there was a land with a stupid name - Reefside. It was named Reefside because someone couldn't be original and call it something cool, like Timbuktu, or Walla Walla. But, this story is not about Reefside, or how it got its name, but alas! It's about four seemingly normal people, but they all held a secret. They were...
The Dino Thunder Power Rangers!
First of all, there is Tommy Oliver. Dr. O to his students. He teaches stuff at Reefside High. (What an original name for a school.) When he's not teaching, he is The Black Dino Thunder Power Ranger. You see, Tommy is in yet another season of The Power Rangers, because his contract demands his being in every season of the show with a new color.
Second, you have Conner McKnight. He is some kind of sweaty, stupid jock whos specialty is soccer. Personally, I think he's a little too friendly with the other players and the balls. Other then that, he is The Red Dino Thunder Power Ranger. You know, I don't think they should have put spikes on his sweaty suit when he's in Super Dino Mode. He might get a sick and twisted idea of new uses for the spikes.
Then, there is Kira Ford. She spends alot of time on her guitar, and dresses like a punk-wannabe, or a poser. She wears alot of yellow, although I think she is definately a winter, so she should stick to her blues and whites. She is The Yellow Dino Thunder Power Ranger. Hmmm... I wonder if she knows any Marilyn Manson tabs.
And then, there is Ethan James, a video game nerd. I would say a bit more about him, but I don't wanna get in trouble for an accidental racist comment, so I'll just end with that he is The Blue Dino Thunder Power Ranger.
And finally, for the last Power Ranger, there is Trent Fernandez. He always tries and tries to get some action from Kira, but to no avail. Oh yeah, he's The White Dino Thunder Power Ranger. The only reason I think that he's the only decent Power Ranger is because he's evil.
Now, here is Hayley. Aside from owning Hayley's Cyberspace, the local teenager hangout, she also helps out the Power Rangers, except for Trent. She hates him because he stole her taco. Hayley just loves tacos. She has been quoted as saying, "I need tacos. I need them or else I'll explode. I do that sometimes."
Then, here are two bumbling imbeciles, Cassidy Cornell, and Devin Fong. They tape everything. (Including a naughty tape. Pam and Tommy (Not that Tommy!) got nothing on them.) The only reason I decided to include the ass- fuck twins in this story, is because I needed something to fill in the spaces. Other than that, they aren't too important to this story.
Elsa/ Principal Randall. She is Mesagog's cyborg lackey. She has no life of her own, which would explain the lackey part. But, you gotta give her a little credit, because she puts up with a thing that has a head that closely resembles a carp. (For those of you who don't know, a carp is a fish.)
Due to circumstances beyond my control, Zoltrax will not be appearing in today's episode, because he ran off to Vegas and got married to his hand. Now, all that remains is the burning question, Lefty? Or Righty? (Remember kids - No Glove, No Love!)
And last, but certainly not least, is Mesagog/ Anton Mercer. Now, Anton Mercer is Trent's stepdad, and he can turn into Mesagog. And Mesagog is an evil... thing with a skin condition. He really could use some lotion. Anyways, he's always trying to get rid of the Power Rangers. And I thought Elsa didn't have a life. You wold think that for a so-called evil genius he would have already done it. Lets face it, it's not that hard to get rid of a jock, a nerd, and a poser. I could think of at least one hundred different ways to get rid of them, including my plan to beat them senseless using a pair of fishnets (the lingerie kind) and thirty-two catfish. Now that would hurt because catfish have those whiskers on them, and when those touch you, owie.
Now, this story starts sometime after Tommy, Conner, Kira and Ethan find those Dini-gem thingys. Seeing as to how I'm unsure how those four people got them in the first place, I'll just say they found them in the toilet when they were trying to find a big surprise and accidentally stumbled across them.
And now, without any more further ado, I not-so-proudly bring to you,
Stoned Gir's Dino Thunder Episode
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
"Oh that is what I truly want to be
"For if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
"Everyone would be in love with me!"
sang Kira Ford, as she strummed the chords to that awful looking thing she calls a guitar. Now, if she wanted to play something decent, she should pick up a Fender American Vintage '57 Strat.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, and fuck you." yelled Kira as she finished her song.
"Oh no Kira!" gasped Conner, "Your a potty mouth! I'm telling Tina!"
"Tina who?" asked Ethan.
"Duh. Tina Tunapants. You act like you don't even know our own teacher." said Conner, matter-of-factly.
"Dammet Conner, first of all, it's Tommy. Second, if you nark on me, I will murder you."
"Yeah, everyone knows narks get shot." agreed Ethan.
"Shot with what? A special type of goo?" asked a very hopeful Conner.
"Oh god Conner, your so gay." said a frustrated Ethan.
"Hey there Kira," said Trent as he walked up to the poser, jock, and nerd. "Whats up?"
"Oh, hi there Trent. Don't call me Kira anymore. I decided to come up with a name only you can call me... big guy." said Kira, walking up to Trent all slutty like.
As Trent bent over (heh... bent over) for Kira to whisper something in his ear, he had a strange feeling that someone was staring at his butt. (Wonder who? Could it have been... Conner?) Just as he was about to check, Kira finished.
"You want me to call you Sheldon?"
"Yeah."
"But isn't that a little weird?" asked Trent.
Just as Kira was about to answer, she saw something fly towards Trent.
"What the hell? Who threw a muffin at me?"
"Everyone, get away from the Evil Communist Slime!" yelled Tommy.
"But, I'm a good boy. Daddy said so." cried Trent, as he ran away.
"You guys alright?" asked Tommy.
"Dammet Tommy! I was about to score!" yelled Kira.
"But Kira, Trent is evil." said Ethan.
'With a tight ass.' thought Conner, dreamily.
"Hey, we have no time to argue. Hayley found something weird, and she wants us to see what it is... and pick her up a Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco, which is $1.79 for a limited time only. Think outside the bun, and spice up the night at Taco Bell." said Tommy.
"Okay, lets get going." said Ethan.
LATER...
"What took my taco so long getting here?" asked Hayley.
"Conner had to stop and stare at a dead coon on the side of the road." explained Ethan.
"Conner, you jacka- wait, what's that in your mouth?" inquired Hayley.
"Mmph." was all Conner could say.
"Oh god Conner, not again. Good lord man, let them breathe." said Tommy as he whacked Conner on the back, causing about forty maggots to fall on the ground.
"Sorry Hayley... you see, Conner is addicted to white things." apologized Kira.
"Okay, I forgive you." As Hayley said that, Conner looked real sad. Seeing that Conner looked about ready to cry, Hayley goes, "It's obvious you know your mistake, and me being angry won't get us anywhere. Now guys, down to business."
'I miss you maggots.' thought Conner, as Hayley sat at the computer.
"I'm seeing something strange here in the woods." said Hayley, pointing to the monitor, showing a picture of a strange, green liquid.
"Lets go check it out." said Tommy.
"Right." said the other Rangers, leaving the maggot infested room.
LATER...
"You sure this will work, Lord Mesagog?" asked Elsa.
"Of course. When that juice touches an animal, it will cause a reaction, making the animal grow twenty times its normal size." explained Mesagog.
"But, what if the Rangers get there before an animal does?" asked Elsa.
All of a sudden, Mesagog got a blank expression on his face.
"Sir?"
"Don't question my plan lady. It will work."
"If you say so." said Elsa, skeptically.
LATER...
"What is this stuff?" asked Kira, looking at the liquid.
"We better watch out. Don't get too close, it could be dangerous." said Ethan in his nerdy way.
"We should get a container and take it back to Hayley. Ethan, would you be a dear and grab it for me?" asked Tommy.
"Why, yes I will Dr. O." said Ethan, getting up.
About five minutes later, as Ethan finally got to the jeep, he opened the door to grab the conatiner, and Conner took this opportunity and ran. (Yeah, Conner is stupid enough to think that he was trapped in an open-air jeep.)
"Oh crap! He's escaped!" yelled Ethan, running agter Conner.
LATER...
"What's that noise?" asked Kira.
"I don't know. It's coming from where I parked the-" Tommy stopped talking all of a sudden, and had a horrified look on his face.
"Dr. O?"
"It's coming... Run!" yelled Tommy, grabbing Kira's wrist, and dragged her like a rag doll and hid behind a tree.
"Shhh... be quiet." insructed Tommy.
"WHEEEE!!" yelled Conner, as he ran to the liquid. "Ohhh, somebody had an accident. Super Sucky Mode, Power Up!"
And with that, Conner fell down, and started rolling around in the goo.
"He escaped! He escaped! He- uh-oh." said Ethan, finally catching up to Conner.
"Damn that Ethan." said a very pissed Tommy.
"Dr. O? Is that you?" asked Ethan.
"Ethan, you retard, how could you let this happen?!" yelled Tommy, about ready to strangle Ethan.
"Dr. O, stop." said Kira, restraining Tommy. "Maybe that goo is acid, and we'll finally be rid of Conner."
Tommy stopped trying to kill Ethan. "Maybe. Lets wait until he burns."
So, the three of them sat down and watched Conner roll to his little hearts content, and they waited... and waited... and waited until-
"Dammet, this isn't working. Kira, get me a rope, we're heading back." said Tommy.
"Okie dokey."
As Kira got back and handed the rope to Tommy, she asked, "What's the rope for?"
"You'll see." said Tommy, tying Conner's feet together.
"Ethan, help me drag this thing to the jeep." instructed Tommy.
As they returned to the jeep, and finished tying the other end of the rope to the jeep's bumper, they noticed Cassidy and Devin walking up to them with their camera.
"What're you guys doing with that... thing down there?" asked Cassidy.
"Um, uh... nothing. Oh look!" said Tommy pointing, "It's the circus!"
"Dammet Devin, tape the clowns!" screeched Cassidy.
"Why?"
"Just do it!"
About twenty minutes later, Cassidy finally finds out the difference between a pile of dog crap and a clown, when she notices the jeep isn't there anymore.
"Dammet Devin, you let them get away!"
"Why?"
"Because you're an idiot, that's why. Now go tape that tree."
"Why?"
"Because that's the biggest wood I've ever seen."
LATER...
"Hayley, we got a problem." yelled Tommy, as he and the other Rangers walked in with the dirty, beaten-up, goo-covered Conner, who was still tied up.
"What the hell happened?" asked Hayley.
"Conner rolled in goo again." said Kira.
"Dammet Conner, you just can't stay away from goo, can you? What do you have to say about yourself?" demanded Hayley.
"Um... chicken?" said Conner.
"So Hayley, can you find out what the goo is?" asked Ethan.
"I'm gonna need a sample. Damn, I never thought I would ever say this, but, Conner, gimme your goo." said Hayley, reluctantly.
"See Tommy, I told you my goo is good." said Conner happily as he handed over the goo.
"I'm gonna have to run some tests. Come back later and I'll see what I can find out." said Hayley.
"Alright. Hey, I got an idea of how we can pass the time. Lets find the inverse of functions, and the reciprocols of mixed numbers!" said Ethan, excitedly.
"Or, howabout we get some money." said Tommy.
"How?" asked Kira.
"Well, we put Conner outside a gay bar with a sign that says 'Will bend over for money... or booze. I could use a beer." explained Tommy.
"Well Conner, howabout it?" asked Ethan.
"There's a corndog factory in my pants!" shouted a happy Conner.
LATER...
Meanwhile...
"Well Mr. Genius, what do we do now? The Rangers got there first."
"Shut your mouth Elsa, I'm thinking." said an angry Mesagog.
"Why didn't you just send a dung beetle with the goo?"
"Or why didn't I send our dog?"
"But we don't have a dog, Mesagog."
"Look in the mirror Cujo."
"Was Cujo a big dog? Woof woof! Or a little dog? Bark bark!"
"Shut up and make me a sandwich. And heavy on the mayonnaise."
"Geez, that's going straight to the hips."
"Dammet Elsa! I don't have time for this, Days of Our Lives is about to start! Now get my damn sandwich!" yelled Mesagog.
LATER...
"So Hayley , hic did you find out anything?" asked a very inebriated Tommy as he slapped Hayley on the ass.
"How many gay bars are there in Reefside?" asked Hayley.
"A lot." said Kira.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Tommy, bending over to look at a dead maggot. "Look at this shit. Whoa! Do... hic do you realize?"
"Realize what mister?" asked Conner, getting closer and closer to the bent over Tommy, when all of a sudden, Tommy passed out and collapsed.
'Damn, that was my chance!' thought an angry Conner.
"So Hayley, about the goo?" asked Ethan.
"I still don't know much guys, sorry. All the tests were inconclusive." said Hayley. "Maybe it's nothing... anyways, you guys should go clean it up."
Tommy woke right up. "I'm driving!"
"No, I think I will." said Kira, taking the keys and the potted plant that Tommy had somehow managed to put in his pants.
"Shotgun!" yelled Conner.
'Oh that I had one.' thought Hayley.
LATER...
"So, how we gonna clean this up?" asked Ethan.
"Hey guys, my bum hurts." said a very concerned Conner.
"I wonder why Conner." said Kira.
"Conner, can you do the Spongebob thing again and clean this up?" asked Ethan.
"Super Spongebob Mode Power Up!" yelled Conner, as he fell in the goo again.
"Hey Sheldon!" yelled Trent as he walked towards Kira.
"Stop!" yelled Tommy, running to Trent and jumping on him.
"Eeek!" yelled Trent, as Tommy landed right on top of him.
"Do you hear that?" asked Tommy.
"Hear what?" asked a confused and very violated Trent.
As they listened, they heard a very distinct 'slurp' sound. They looked at Conner, as he was absorbing the goo.
"Daddy!" screamed Trent as he got up and ran.
"Well, that works. C'mon... lets go home." said Ethan.
NEXT DAY AT CYBERSPACE...
"Guys, I don't feel good." said Conner, doubling over in pain.
"That makes two of us." said a hungover Tommy.
"Here Tommy, take some Tylenol." said Kira, giving Tommy the bottle that seemed to have just come from nowhere.
"Thanks." said Tommy, taking some pills. "Wow, I feel a whole lot better, thank you Tylenol!"
"what about me?" asked Conner.
"Not for you, you big turd!" yelled Kira.
"Oh no! Not turd! Outta my way, I'm gonna blow!" yelled Conner, running outside.
"No Conner, not outside. We do that in toilets!" yelled Ethan, as he, Kira, and Tommy ran after Conner.
"Aahhh!" yelled Conner, obviously in alot of pain, as they caught up to him in the back of Cyberspace.
"Wow Tommy, he's like you, always gotta be the center of attention." pointed out Kira.
"Aahhh!" yelled Conner again, when all of a sudden, there was a loud BOOM!
"What the hell?" yelled Kira.
"Conner, what just came out of your ass?" asked Tommy.
"Oh, that's Horatio. And guess what? My bums all better now." said a happy Conner, not at all surprised that a giant gerbil had just came out his butt.
"You know that thing?" asked Tommy.
"Hell yeah dude. I put the Sailor Moon outfit on him and stuck him up my bum myself." explained Conner.
"It's a giant rat!" yelled Ethan.
"You stupid humans, I'm a gerbil."
"Quiet Ethan, you'll hurt his feelings." said Conner.
"Prepare to die humans!" yelled Horatio.
"We gotta fight him!" yelled Kira.
"Right." said everybody.
"Dino Thunder Power Up!" they all said as they morphed into the Power Rangers.
"Your going down Horatio." said Tommy, as he head-butted the giant gerbil.
"Hee hee, this is fun." said Horatio, as he tried to stomp the Rangers.
"My turn." said Conner, as he took a hold of the gerbil's leg and tried to bite it, not realizing he was wearing a helmet.
"What a dumbass." said the gerbil, kicking Conner off his leg.
"Now to finish you off!" said Horatio, as he struck the Rangers with his tail, sending them all flying.
"He's too strong... we must retreat." said Tommy.
"Yeah." agreed the other Rangers as they followed Tommy.
"Yay! I win!" said Horatio, doing a little butt dance. "What the? Nooo... I'm shrinking... I'll be back... SQUEEK!"
And with that, Horatio went back to his normal form, Sailor Moon suit and all.
LATER...
"Power Down!" said the Rangers.
"We couldn't beat it." said Ethan.
"Maybe Hayley knows a little about it by now." said Tommy.
"Lets go then." said Kira.
LATER...
"Ha ha ha!" laughed elsa as she rolled on the ground. "A giant gerbil? Ha ha ha!"
"Hey, how was I supposed to know that one of the Rangers was packing a gerbil?" said an irritated Mesagog.
"Ha ha... don't worry sir. They haven't defeated the gerbil yet." said Elsa.
"Damn... this is my worst monster yet." cried Mesagog.
LATER...
"Hey guys, I'm glad you're here. I figured it out." said Hayley.
"So how did they gerbil get here?" asked Tommy.
"Well, you see, Mesagog put this green ooze here, and when Conner touched it, it caused the gerbil in his butt to grow." explained Hayley.
"Damn you and your lifestyle Conner." said Kira.
"I should've known that Mesagog was behind all this." said Ethan.
"Yeah... it seems that the gerbil has a weakness too." said Hayley.
"Like?" asked Tommy.
"To make a long story short, stuff Conner does." explained Hayley.
"Ewww... naughty stuff." said a sickened Kira.
"Crap, the gerbil is attacking again." said Hayley.
"Time to take care of Horatio." said Ethan.
"Dino Thunder Power Up!"
LATER...
"OK gerbil, your going down!" shouted Kira.
"Yeah," said Ethan, "We're getting rid of you once and for all!"
"That's right... you... big meanie you." said Conner.
"What the hell was that?" asked Tommy.
When Conner said that, all the Rangers looked at him like he said the stupidest thing. Of course, that wasn't the stupidest, but still, it was pretty bad.
Seeing that the Rangers weren't paying attention to him anymore, Horatio took this opportunity and struck at the Rangers.
"Look out!" shouted Conner.
But it was too late. Horatio knocked all but Conner down.
"Ha ha ha. Now for your turn you disgusting pervert." And with that, the gerbil kicked Conner right in the crotch.
Conner, knowing he was hit, looked up real slowly. If he didn't have that helmet on, he would have looked real menacing.
"Horatio, you seem to not know my other secret. You see, not only am I the Red Dino Thunder Power Ranger. Power Down!"
As Conner powered down to his human form, he said, "But, I am also..." Conner started to spin real fast, and when he has finished, he has changed clothes.
Now, Conner was wearing bright pink snowpants with short purple shorts on the outside, and they were pulled up to his chest. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, tucked in under the shorts and snowpants, small gloves, a light- pink, light-green, and white checkered button down long sleeve T-shirt, which was not buttoned, and had the right sleeve rolled up. Also, he was wearing sandals with socks, a yellow snow cap, and big glesses.
"I am also Neutered Man!"
"What? Neutered Man?" said Tommy.
"Yes, Neutered Man." replied Conner.
"That monster better watch out, because not only am I the Black Dino Thunder power Ranger. Power Down!" said Tommy, changing back into his human form. Just like Conner, he started spinning real fast and changed his clothes.
Now, Tommy was wearing a bright yellow rubber body suit, with a bright yellow rubber cap, and red rubber undies on the outside, and also red rubber gloves and boots.
"I am also Trojan Man!"
"Trojan Man? If we team up, we can beat this gerbil."
"Okay Neutered Man. You ready?"
"Oh yeah, I'm ready."
"Lubrication Wave!" yelled Tommy, splattering the monster with a sticky, white acid-like substance.
"Cock Rocket!" yelled Conner, as a missile flies from his crotch and blows up when it hit the gerbil.
"Noooooo.... How could I lose? Fate has dealt me a cruel hand!" yelled Horatio in his dying breath.
"We did it!" yelled Tommy as he changed back to normal.
"Yeah, good job you guys." said Ethan.
"Um... Conner? Aren't you going to change back to normal?" asked Kira.
"Why, no little girl, I will not."
"But why?" asked Tommy.
"Because guy- er, I mean girls, dig the snowpants."
"Couldn't afford hammerpants, huh?" asked Tommy.
After hearing that, Conner is hurt, and he hung his head low, and said in just the saddest "No."
"Oh Conner, I'm so sorry, I didn't know." said Tommy, trying to console Conner. Seeing that saying that didn't work, Tommy took a deep breath, walked right up to Conner, and gave him a hug. Of course, it was a manly hug.
Conner was taken aback. He was stunned. A man? Hugging him? So Conner did what any self-respecting, dignified, confused teenager would do. He reached down and squeezed Tommy's buttocks.
"Oh god Ethan, Conner's thinking about rainbows again, isn't he?" said Kira.
"Shut up devil woman, and help me find a metal plate. I need protection."
When hearing that, Tommy broke the hug. "Did I just hear someone say 'protection'?"
"Oh Tommy." said Conner, giggling. And when Conner giggles, he sounds like a donkey in heat. And, lets face it, it's funny hearing that. Now, as Conner giggled with delight, everyone couldn't help but laught at, er, I mean, with him.
"Well... we did it." said Tommy.
"Yahoo!" yelled Conner.
"We just beat the monster. It's time for our theme song and dance." said Kira, grabbing a stereo that seemed to have just appeared out of nowhere.
"Hold it! Neuter Down!" shouted Conner, changing back to normal. "Now."
"Ready?" asked Ethan.
"Ready." said everybody as Kira pushed play.
Now, this day ends with Tommy, Conner, Kira, and Ethan doing pelvic thrusts to 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls.
LATER...
"Well Mesagog, you've been defeated again." pointed out Elsa.
"Your right Elsa, I'm a sniffle loser." cried Mesagog.
"There there, now you tell me all about it."
"Not only am I a loser... but... but, the cast of Friends decided to stop the show!" said Mesagog as he cried into Elsa's shoulder.
"What! Not Friends! Whatever will we do?" cried Elsa.
THE END!
Well, there you have it, my first Power Rangers fic. I hoped you all enjoyed this story, and remember, please R&R!
First of all, this story is rated R for adult language, (naughty words), and mature situations, (naughty stuff). This is my first Power Rangers Dino Thunder fanfic, and I hope that the those of you who take the time and read it will like it. Also, if you are close to any of the characters, or if you cannot stand any one of them being made fun of, stop reading, because I MAKE FUN OF EVERYBODY! Oh, and this story is not that accurate. You were warned. So please, R&R, and enjoy!
Once upon a time, in a place far, far away, there was a land with a stupid name - Reefside. It was named Reefside because someone couldn't be original and call it something cool, like Timbuktu, or Walla Walla. But, this story is not about Reefside, or how it got its name, but alas! It's about four seemingly normal people, but they all held a secret. They were...
The Dino Thunder Power Rangers!
First of all, there is Tommy Oliver. Dr. O to his students. He teaches stuff at Reefside High. (What an original name for a school.) When he's not teaching, he is The Black Dino Thunder Power Ranger. You see, Tommy is in yet another season of The Power Rangers, because his contract demands his being in every season of the show with a new color.
Second, you have Conner McKnight. He is some kind of sweaty, stupid jock whos specialty is soccer. Personally, I think he's a little too friendly with the other players and the balls. Other then that, he is The Red Dino Thunder Power Ranger. You know, I don't think they should have put spikes on his sweaty suit when he's in Super Dino Mode. He might get a sick and twisted idea of new uses for the spikes.
Then, there is Kira Ford. She spends alot of time on her guitar, and dresses like a punk-wannabe, or a poser. She wears alot of yellow, although I think she is definately a winter, so she should stick to her blues and whites. She is The Yellow Dino Thunder Power Ranger. Hmmm... I wonder if she knows any Marilyn Manson tabs.
And then, there is Ethan James, a video game nerd. I would say a bit more about him, but I don't wanna get in trouble for an accidental racist comment, so I'll just end with that he is The Blue Dino Thunder Power Ranger.
And finally, for the last Power Ranger, there is Trent Fernandez. He always tries and tries to get some action from Kira, but to no avail. Oh yeah, he's The White Dino Thunder Power Ranger. The only reason I think that he's the only decent Power Ranger is because he's evil.
Now, here is Hayley. Aside from owning Hayley's Cyberspace, the local teenager hangout, she also helps out the Power Rangers, except for Trent. She hates him because he stole her taco. Hayley just loves tacos. She has been quoted as saying, "I need tacos. I need them or else I'll explode. I do that sometimes."
Then, here are two bumbling imbeciles, Cassidy Cornell, and Devin Fong. They tape everything. (Including a naughty tape. Pam and Tommy (Not that Tommy!) got nothing on them.) The only reason I decided to include the ass- fuck twins in this story, is because I needed something to fill in the spaces. Other than that, they aren't too important to this story.
Elsa/ Principal Randall. She is Mesagog's cyborg lackey. She has no life of her own, which would explain the lackey part. But, you gotta give her a little credit, because she puts up with a thing that has a head that closely resembles a carp. (For those of you who don't know, a carp is a fish.)
Due to circumstances beyond my control, Zoltrax will not be appearing in today's episode, because he ran off to Vegas and got married to his hand. Now, all that remains is the burning question, Lefty? Or Righty? (Remember kids - No Glove, No Love!)
And last, but certainly not least, is Mesagog/ Anton Mercer. Now, Anton Mercer is Trent's stepdad, and he can turn into Mesagog. And Mesagog is an evil... thing with a skin condition. He really could use some lotion. Anyways, he's always trying to get rid of the Power Rangers. And I thought Elsa didn't have a life. You wold think that for a so-called evil genius he would have already done it. Lets face it, it's not that hard to get rid of a jock, a nerd, and a poser. I could think of at least one hundred different ways to get rid of them, including my plan to beat them senseless using a pair of fishnets (the lingerie kind) and thirty-two catfish. Now that would hurt because catfish have those whiskers on them, and when those touch you, owie.
Now, this story starts sometime after Tommy, Conner, Kira and Ethan find those Dini-gem thingys. Seeing as to how I'm unsure how those four people got them in the first place, I'll just say they found them in the toilet when they were trying to find a big surprise and accidentally stumbled across them.
And now, without any more further ado, I not-so-proudly bring to you,
Stoned Gir's Dino Thunder Episode
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
"Oh that is what I truly want to be
"For if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
"Everyone would be in love with me!"
sang Kira Ford, as she strummed the chords to that awful looking thing she calls a guitar. Now, if she wanted to play something decent, she should pick up a Fender American Vintage '57 Strat.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, and fuck you." yelled Kira as she finished her song.
"Oh no Kira!" gasped Conner, "Your a potty mouth! I'm telling Tina!"
"Tina who?" asked Ethan.
"Duh. Tina Tunapants. You act like you don't even know our own teacher." said Conner, matter-of-factly.
"Dammet Conner, first of all, it's Tommy. Second, if you nark on me, I will murder you."
"Yeah, everyone knows narks get shot." agreed Ethan.
"Shot with what? A special type of goo?" asked a very hopeful Conner.
"Oh god Conner, your so gay." said a frustrated Ethan.
"Hey there Kira," said Trent as he walked up to the poser, jock, and nerd. "Whats up?"
"Oh, hi there Trent. Don't call me Kira anymore. I decided to come up with a name only you can call me... big guy." said Kira, walking up to Trent all slutty like.
As Trent bent over (heh... bent over) for Kira to whisper something in his ear, he had a strange feeling that someone was staring at his butt. (Wonder who? Could it have been... Conner?) Just as he was about to check, Kira finished.
"You want me to call you Sheldon?"
"Yeah."
"But isn't that a little weird?" asked Trent.
Just as Kira was about to answer, she saw something fly towards Trent.
"What the hell? Who threw a muffin at me?"
"Everyone, get away from the Evil Communist Slime!" yelled Tommy.
"But, I'm a good boy. Daddy said so." cried Trent, as he ran away.
"You guys alright?" asked Tommy.
"Dammet Tommy! I was about to score!" yelled Kira.
"But Kira, Trent is evil." said Ethan.
'With a tight ass.' thought Conner, dreamily.
"Hey, we have no time to argue. Hayley found something weird, and she wants us to see what it is... and pick her up a Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco, which is $1.79 for a limited time only. Think outside the bun, and spice up the night at Taco Bell." said Tommy.
"Okay, lets get going." said Ethan.
LATER...
"What took my taco so long getting here?" asked Hayley.
"Conner had to stop and stare at a dead coon on the side of the road." explained Ethan.
"Conner, you jacka- wait, what's that in your mouth?" inquired Hayley.
"Mmph." was all Conner could say.
"Oh god Conner, not again. Good lord man, let them breathe." said Tommy as he whacked Conner on the back, causing about forty maggots to fall on the ground.
"Sorry Hayley... you see, Conner is addicted to white things." apologized Kira.
"Okay, I forgive you." As Hayley said that, Conner looked real sad. Seeing that Conner looked about ready to cry, Hayley goes, "It's obvious you know your mistake, and me being angry won't get us anywhere. Now guys, down to business."
'I miss you maggots.' thought Conner, as Hayley sat at the computer.
"I'm seeing something strange here in the woods." said Hayley, pointing to the monitor, showing a picture of a strange, green liquid.
"Lets go check it out." said Tommy.
"Right." said the other Rangers, leaving the maggot infested room.
LATER...
"You sure this will work, Lord Mesagog?" asked Elsa.
"Of course. When that juice touches an animal, it will cause a reaction, making the animal grow twenty times its normal size." explained Mesagog.
"But, what if the Rangers get there before an animal does?" asked Elsa.
All of a sudden, Mesagog got a blank expression on his face.
"Sir?"
"Don't question my plan lady. It will work."
"If you say so." said Elsa, skeptically.
LATER...
"What is this stuff?" asked Kira, looking at the liquid.
"We better watch out. Don't get too close, it could be dangerous." said Ethan in his nerdy way.
"We should get a container and take it back to Hayley. Ethan, would you be a dear and grab it for me?" asked Tommy.
"Why, yes I will Dr. O." said Ethan, getting up.
About five minutes later, as Ethan finally got to the jeep, he opened the door to grab the conatiner, and Conner took this opportunity and ran. (Yeah, Conner is stupid enough to think that he was trapped in an open-air jeep.)
"Oh crap! He's escaped!" yelled Ethan, running agter Conner.
LATER...
"What's that noise?" asked Kira.
"I don't know. It's coming from where I parked the-" Tommy stopped talking all of a sudden, and had a horrified look on his face.
"Dr. O?"
"It's coming... Run!" yelled Tommy, grabbing Kira's wrist, and dragged her like a rag doll and hid behind a tree.
"Shhh... be quiet." insructed Tommy.
"WHEEEE!!" yelled Conner, as he ran to the liquid. "Ohhh, somebody had an accident. Super Sucky Mode, Power Up!"
And with that, Conner fell down, and started rolling around in the goo.
"He escaped! He escaped! He- uh-oh." said Ethan, finally catching up to Conner.
"Damn that Ethan." said a very pissed Tommy.
"Dr. O? Is that you?" asked Ethan.
"Ethan, you retard, how could you let this happen?!" yelled Tommy, about ready to strangle Ethan.
"Dr. O, stop." said Kira, restraining Tommy. "Maybe that goo is acid, and we'll finally be rid of Conner."
Tommy stopped trying to kill Ethan. "Maybe. Lets wait until he burns."
So, the three of them sat down and watched Conner roll to his little hearts content, and they waited... and waited... and waited until-
"Dammet, this isn't working. Kira, get me a rope, we're heading back." said Tommy.
"Okie dokey."
As Kira got back and handed the rope to Tommy, she asked, "What's the rope for?"
"You'll see." said Tommy, tying Conner's feet together.
"Ethan, help me drag this thing to the jeep." instructed Tommy.
As they returned to the jeep, and finished tying the other end of the rope to the jeep's bumper, they noticed Cassidy and Devin walking up to them with their camera.
"What're you guys doing with that... thing down there?" asked Cassidy.
"Um, uh... nothing. Oh look!" said Tommy pointing, "It's the circus!"
"Dammet Devin, tape the clowns!" screeched Cassidy.
"Why?"
"Just do it!"
About twenty minutes later, Cassidy finally finds out the difference between a pile of dog crap and a clown, when she notices the jeep isn't there anymore.
"Dammet Devin, you let them get away!"
"Why?"
"Because you're an idiot, that's why. Now go tape that tree."
"Why?"
"Because that's the biggest wood I've ever seen."
LATER...
"Hayley, we got a problem." yelled Tommy, as he and the other Rangers walked in with the dirty, beaten-up, goo-covered Conner, who was still tied up.
"What the hell happened?" asked Hayley.
"Conner rolled in goo again." said Kira.
"Dammet Conner, you just can't stay away from goo, can you? What do you have to say about yourself?" demanded Hayley.
"Um... chicken?" said Conner.
"So Hayley, can you find out what the goo is?" asked Ethan.
"I'm gonna need a sample. Damn, I never thought I would ever say this, but, Conner, gimme your goo." said Hayley, reluctantly.
"See Tommy, I told you my goo is good." said Conner happily as he handed over the goo.
"I'm gonna have to run some tests. Come back later and I'll see what I can find out." said Hayley.
"Alright. Hey, I got an idea of how we can pass the time. Lets find the inverse of functions, and the reciprocols of mixed numbers!" said Ethan, excitedly.
"Or, howabout we get some money." said Tommy.
"How?" asked Kira.
"Well, we put Conner outside a gay bar with a sign that says 'Will bend over for money... or booze. I could use a beer." explained Tommy.
"Well Conner, howabout it?" asked Ethan.
"There's a corndog factory in my pants!" shouted a happy Conner.
LATER...
Meanwhile...
"Well Mr. Genius, what do we do now? The Rangers got there first."
"Shut your mouth Elsa, I'm thinking." said an angry Mesagog.
"Why didn't you just send a dung beetle with the goo?"
"Or why didn't I send our dog?"
"But we don't have a dog, Mesagog."
"Look in the mirror Cujo."
"Was Cujo a big dog? Woof woof! Or a little dog? Bark bark!"
"Shut up and make me a sandwich. And heavy on the mayonnaise."
"Geez, that's going straight to the hips."
"Dammet Elsa! I don't have time for this, Days of Our Lives is about to start! Now get my damn sandwich!" yelled Mesagog.
LATER...
"So Hayley , hic did you find out anything?" asked a very inebriated Tommy as he slapped Hayley on the ass.
"How many gay bars are there in Reefside?" asked Hayley.
"A lot." said Kira.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Tommy, bending over to look at a dead maggot. "Look at this shit. Whoa! Do... hic do you realize?"
"Realize what mister?" asked Conner, getting closer and closer to the bent over Tommy, when all of a sudden, Tommy passed out and collapsed.
'Damn, that was my chance!' thought an angry Conner.
"So Hayley, about the goo?" asked Ethan.
"I still don't know much guys, sorry. All the tests were inconclusive." said Hayley. "Maybe it's nothing... anyways, you guys should go clean it up."
Tommy woke right up. "I'm driving!"
"No, I think I will." said Kira, taking the keys and the potted plant that Tommy had somehow managed to put in his pants.
"Shotgun!" yelled Conner.
'Oh that I had one.' thought Hayley.
LATER...
"So, how we gonna clean this up?" asked Ethan.
"Hey guys, my bum hurts." said a very concerned Conner.
"I wonder why Conner." said Kira.
"Conner, can you do the Spongebob thing again and clean this up?" asked Ethan.
"Super Spongebob Mode Power Up!" yelled Conner, as he fell in the goo again.
"Hey Sheldon!" yelled Trent as he walked towards Kira.
"Stop!" yelled Tommy, running to Trent and jumping on him.
"Eeek!" yelled Trent, as Tommy landed right on top of him.
"Do you hear that?" asked Tommy.
"Hear what?" asked a confused and very violated Trent.
As they listened, they heard a very distinct 'slurp' sound. They looked at Conner, as he was absorbing the goo.
"Daddy!" screamed Trent as he got up and ran.
"Well, that works. C'mon... lets go home." said Ethan.
NEXT DAY AT CYBERSPACE...
"Guys, I don't feel good." said Conner, doubling over in pain.
"That makes two of us." said a hungover Tommy.
"Here Tommy, take some Tylenol." said Kira, giving Tommy the bottle that seemed to have just come from nowhere.
"Thanks." said Tommy, taking some pills. "Wow, I feel a whole lot better, thank you Tylenol!"
"what about me?" asked Conner.
"Not for you, you big turd!" yelled Kira.
"Oh no! Not turd! Outta my way, I'm gonna blow!" yelled Conner, running outside.
"No Conner, not outside. We do that in toilets!" yelled Ethan, as he, Kira, and Tommy ran after Conner.
"Aahhh!" yelled Conner, obviously in alot of pain, as they caught up to him in the back of Cyberspace.
"Wow Tommy, he's like you, always gotta be the center of attention." pointed out Kira.
"Aahhh!" yelled Conner again, when all of a sudden, there was a loud BOOM!
"What the hell?" yelled Kira.
"Conner, what just came out of your ass?" asked Tommy.
"Oh, that's Horatio. And guess what? My bums all better now." said a happy Conner, not at all surprised that a giant gerbil had just came out his butt.
"You know that thing?" asked Tommy.
"Hell yeah dude. I put the Sailor Moon outfit on him and stuck him up my bum myself." explained Conner.
"It's a giant rat!" yelled Ethan.
"You stupid humans, I'm a gerbil."
"Quiet Ethan, you'll hurt his feelings." said Conner.
"Prepare to die humans!" yelled Horatio.
"We gotta fight him!" yelled Kira.
"Right." said everybody.
"Dino Thunder Power Up!" they all said as they morphed into the Power Rangers.
"Your going down Horatio." said Tommy, as he head-butted the giant gerbil.
"Hee hee, this is fun." said Horatio, as he tried to stomp the Rangers.
"My turn." said Conner, as he took a hold of the gerbil's leg and tried to bite it, not realizing he was wearing a helmet.
"What a dumbass." said the gerbil, kicking Conner off his leg.
"Now to finish you off!" said Horatio, as he struck the Rangers with his tail, sending them all flying.
"He's too strong... we must retreat." said Tommy.
"Yeah." agreed the other Rangers as they followed Tommy.
"Yay! I win!" said Horatio, doing a little butt dance. "What the? Nooo... I'm shrinking... I'll be back... SQUEEK!"
And with that, Horatio went back to his normal form, Sailor Moon suit and all.
LATER...
"Power Down!" said the Rangers.
"We couldn't beat it." said Ethan.
"Maybe Hayley knows a little about it by now." said Tommy.
"Lets go then." said Kira.
LATER...
"Ha ha ha!" laughed elsa as she rolled on the ground. "A giant gerbil? Ha ha ha!"
"Hey, how was I supposed to know that one of the Rangers was packing a gerbil?" said an irritated Mesagog.
"Ha ha... don't worry sir. They haven't defeated the gerbil yet." said Elsa.
"Damn... this is my worst monster yet." cried Mesagog.
LATER...
"Hey guys, I'm glad you're here. I figured it out." said Hayley.
"So how did they gerbil get here?" asked Tommy.
"Well, you see, Mesagog put this green ooze here, and when Conner touched it, it caused the gerbil in his butt to grow." explained Hayley.
"Damn you and your lifestyle Conner." said Kira.
"I should've known that Mesagog was behind all this." said Ethan.
"Yeah... it seems that the gerbil has a weakness too." said Hayley.
"Like?" asked Tommy.
"To make a long story short, stuff Conner does." explained Hayley.
"Ewww... naughty stuff." said a sickened Kira.
"Crap, the gerbil is attacking again." said Hayley.
"Time to take care of Horatio." said Ethan.
"Dino Thunder Power Up!"
LATER...
"OK gerbil, your going down!" shouted Kira.
"Yeah," said Ethan, "We're getting rid of you once and for all!"
"That's right... you... big meanie you." said Conner.
"What the hell was that?" asked Tommy.
When Conner said that, all the Rangers looked at him like he said the stupidest thing. Of course, that wasn't the stupidest, but still, it was pretty bad.
Seeing that the Rangers weren't paying attention to him anymore, Horatio took this opportunity and struck at the Rangers.
"Look out!" shouted Conner.
But it was too late. Horatio knocked all but Conner down.
"Ha ha ha. Now for your turn you disgusting pervert." And with that, the gerbil kicked Conner right in the crotch.
Conner, knowing he was hit, looked up real slowly. If he didn't have that helmet on, he would have looked real menacing.
"Horatio, you seem to not know my other secret. You see, not only am I the Red Dino Thunder Power Ranger. Power Down!"
As Conner powered down to his human form, he said, "But, I am also..." Conner started to spin real fast, and when he has finished, he has changed clothes.
Now, Conner was wearing bright pink snowpants with short purple shorts on the outside, and they were pulled up to his chest. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, tucked in under the shorts and snowpants, small gloves, a light- pink, light-green, and white checkered button down long sleeve T-shirt, which was not buttoned, and had the right sleeve rolled up. Also, he was wearing sandals with socks, a yellow snow cap, and big glesses.
"I am also Neutered Man!"
"What? Neutered Man?" said Tommy.
"Yes, Neutered Man." replied Conner.
"That monster better watch out, because not only am I the Black Dino Thunder power Ranger. Power Down!" said Tommy, changing back into his human form. Just like Conner, he started spinning real fast and changed his clothes.
Now, Tommy was wearing a bright yellow rubber body suit, with a bright yellow rubber cap, and red rubber undies on the outside, and also red rubber gloves and boots.
"I am also Trojan Man!"
"Trojan Man? If we team up, we can beat this gerbil."
"Okay Neutered Man. You ready?"
"Oh yeah, I'm ready."
"Lubrication Wave!" yelled Tommy, splattering the monster with a sticky, white acid-like substance.
"Cock Rocket!" yelled Conner, as a missile flies from his crotch and blows up when it hit the gerbil.
"Noooooo.... How could I lose? Fate has dealt me a cruel hand!" yelled Horatio in his dying breath.
"We did it!" yelled Tommy as he changed back to normal.
"Yeah, good job you guys." said Ethan.
"Um... Conner? Aren't you going to change back to normal?" asked Kira.
"Why, no little girl, I will not."
"But why?" asked Tommy.
"Because guy- er, I mean girls, dig the snowpants."
"Couldn't afford hammerpants, huh?" asked Tommy.
After hearing that, Conner is hurt, and he hung his head low, and said in just the saddest "No."
"Oh Conner, I'm so sorry, I didn't know." said Tommy, trying to console Conner. Seeing that saying that didn't work, Tommy took a deep breath, walked right up to Conner, and gave him a hug. Of course, it was a manly hug.
Conner was taken aback. He was stunned. A man? Hugging him? So Conner did what any self-respecting, dignified, confused teenager would do. He reached down and squeezed Tommy's buttocks.
"Oh god Ethan, Conner's thinking about rainbows again, isn't he?" said Kira.
"Shut up devil woman, and help me find a metal plate. I need protection."
When hearing that, Tommy broke the hug. "Did I just hear someone say 'protection'?"
"Oh Tommy." said Conner, giggling. And when Conner giggles, he sounds like a donkey in heat. And, lets face it, it's funny hearing that. Now, as Conner giggled with delight, everyone couldn't help but laught at, er, I mean, with him.
"Well... we did it." said Tommy.
"Yahoo!" yelled Conner.
"We just beat the monster. It's time for our theme song and dance." said Kira, grabbing a stereo that seemed to have just appeared out of nowhere.
"Hold it! Neuter Down!" shouted Conner, changing back to normal. "Now."
"Ready?" asked Ethan.
"Ready." said everybody as Kira pushed play.
Now, this day ends with Tommy, Conner, Kira, and Ethan doing pelvic thrusts to 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls.
LATER...
"Well Mesagog, you've been defeated again." pointed out Elsa.
"Your right Elsa, I'm a sniffle loser." cried Mesagog.
"There there, now you tell me all about it."
"Not only am I a loser... but... but, the cast of Friends decided to stop the show!" said Mesagog as he cried into Elsa's shoulder.
"What! Not Friends! Whatever will we do?" cried Elsa.
THE END!
Well, there you have it, my first Power Rangers fic. I hoped you all enjoyed this story, and remember, please R&R!