Disclaimer: I don't own Monterey Jack shit, dude—I'm just trying to give a news report.
"Welcome this evening, wrestling fans! Tonight is the premiere of my newest show—The Quarter After 6 News! I'm your VERY entertaining host this week, The Ayatollah of a-rock and a-ROLLLA!, Y2J—Chris 'This is MY damn show this week' Jericho! Some of you may remember my old show, the 'Y2J Breakdown'—well, I'm doing this shit now, so…here goes!"
The camera shot changes angles as Chris starts…
"Ahem, tonight's first story is that word has leaked out that The Rock was NOT the original choice to play Scorpion King in 'The Mummy Returns, Yet Again'. As it turns out, Universal Studios wanted HHH to play the role, but negotiations were cut short when HHH insisted on 'going over the mummy AND Rick O'Connell clean' and also insisting 'X-Pac should beat that big black dude who worships the mummy, clean...three times.'
Ha, sounds just LIKE the bastard! Anyway, moving on—AH HERE'S something! Check THIS out, people-In the news, Scott Norton's former tag partner 'Ice Train' has gotten back into the mix. Train was recently spotted selling hot dogs at an independent show in Tacoma. No word on if the hot dogs included free relish."
Suddenly, Chris reads down the script he's reading from and flashes a frown at the camera for a brief second. He says, "Ya' know what? Fuggit'—I'm just going to read through these things, here goes-
…The WWE creative team has been going over ideas on how to repackage Mason Ryan. The leading candidate thus far is the nickname 'The Big One-who sucks so bad that even a near main event push wouldn't get him over, so we'll just leave him off TV' Mason Ryan."
He smirks and just continues…
"In some embarrassing news, a WWE superstar was arrested for exposing their penis to several fans after a recent show. The star apprehended could not be reached for comment, but rest assured, once she's bailed out, we'll find out Beth Phoenix's side of the story."
He raises an eyebrow and says, "Okaaay…moving on-
Former ECW star Chilly Willy recently conducted an online chat session. When asked why he thinks the WWE had never signed him, Willy stated,'"I've wondered about that a lot. I think maybe my weight and work ethic may have had a bit to do with it. But I would say 99.5% of it has to do with the fact that I had the GAYEST RING NAME OF ALL TIME.'
Another note is that Eric Bischoff is back in the news again. Bischoff has finally started his own promotion and will be holding a card June 1st. Unfortunately, most of the current stars are locked under WWE or TNA contracts. Bischoff did manage to sign some former WWE stars, though. The main event of the card will actually feature these stars, as Eddie Guerrero takes on Chris Benoit in a Casket Match.
Shawn Michaels has recently been hyping up his new wrestling promotion in several recent interviews. Michaels says the company has many positives, such as hard workers, good mic workers, and a lot of naive young men who are willing to perform sexual favors in exchange for a push. Michaels also quoted that last part as his favorite positive, by far."
Chris strokes his chin and says, "Yeah, some of the boys would get uncomfortable when he'd be leering at us after we'd get out of the showers…UGH, dude!"
He regains his composure and continues on…
"Okay, former women's wrestling star Madusa has recently ventured into other forms of the entertainment industry. Madusa was quoted as saying, 'I've done all I can for wrestling, and wrestling has done all it can do for me. I'm moving on to more intelligent forms of entertainment, much more artistic and it lets me display my creative side as well.' You can catch Madusa in her newest film, 'Old Biker Slut Humps a Dead Llama.'
Also, Sabu is back!, and he's breaking tables again! The former ECW champ slipped on a wrapper at Burger King and crashed through a table. Sabu was quite proud as he usually has to do a spot 4 times before breaking a table correctly.
In a related story, MVP was in charge of cleaning up the table Sabu broke. When asked why he did it, Montel replied, "Hey, you don't get the position of assistant day manager by NOT cleaning up the mess. THIS IS MY BURGER KING! I BUILT IT!"
Chris shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "Yeah dude, whatever. Ok, only a couple more things-
Yoshi Tatsu recently re-signed with the WWE for 2 more years, with no guaranteed character advancement. This obviously adds fuel to the rumors that japs are stupid and can't read.
Oh, and for you 'wrestling tradition' buffs out there, the struggling NWA has a new champion in Steve Corino! Executive Director Howard Trobich thinks that this could be a big step in making the NWA a big time promotion again. Trobich stated, "Having Corino as our champion gives us a lot of credibility. It draws the old ECW fan base, and the old school fans, as Corino has a lot of the same qualities as Ric Flair." When asked about those qualities, Trobich stated, "Well they both have blonde hair, right? Come on, it's the NWA! Tradition! Please watch us! PLEASE! I'VE GOT CHILDREN TO FEED!" At this point, Trobich offered handjobs for a dollar while weeping like a school girl."
Suddenly, Jericho's eyes widen and he says, "Folks, this just in! This site's own BubblyShell22 let me in on this piece of breaking news: The Big Show is still fat! But he's STILL not as fat as Mark Henry!
In addition, former World Champion John Cena recently held a press conference stating his future in wrestling, stating he would, and I quote—'…NEVER retire, dawg! Whenever I go to London, I can't see 'cause of the fog!' Um…yeah, while this proves the rumors true that Cena actually CAN read, he STILL can't rap to save his LIFE.
Ok, Tazz recently commented on his current TNA stay. He had nothing but positives to say, and when asked what he liked better about the TNA than ECW, he answered, 'Well both places are great. But I really like getting paid with money instead of sandwiches and old magazines.'
Chris sips his water for a moment and says, "Finally, for our last bit of news, Chris Masters is still training hard in order to be signed by the WWE. He's in the best shape of his life, and has been training his in-ring skills tons. Unfortunately, don't look for the WWE to pick him up anytime soon, as his name is still Chris Masters.
Ok, that's it, assclowns! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home and fucking the living DAYLIGHTS out of my wife, see ya'—and I KNOW you wish you were me! Cause I'm the goodness sakin', bringin' home the bacon, the incredibly hung BABY MAKIN', CHRIS JERICHOOOO!"
[Fade to black, credits roll]
There'll be a different host every week on this series, so who knows who'll show up week-in, week-out—just tune in to find out!
Lol, thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated!