Author's note: We don't own anything having to do with Supernatural only Mackenzie belongs to wandertogondor and me.
Please head over to her page and leave her lots of love. That girl is my muse and I would be lost without her! Inspired by the song Reflection from Mulan.
Reflection
Ever feel like you've been born in the wrong time period or into the wrong family? Welcome to my life. I'm Mackenzie Winchester, little sister to Sam and Dean, daughter to John and the late Mary Winchester.
"Damn it, Mackenzie, a second later and your brother could have been seriously injured!" Dad hollered at me when the matches wouldn't spark and I had to end up using my lighter to throw into the grave.
"Dad, I'm fine," Dean reassured him giving me a small smile which he was hoping would make me feel less guilty than I already was.
"Take your brother and sister back to the motel, I'll clean up here, I don't want any traces left," Dad said glancing over at me before looking back to Dean, "I'll grab food before coming back."
Dean nodded in response while Sam wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we walked back to the Impala.
"Where were you back there?" Sam questioned gently as I got in the backseat, "It's not like you to check out during a hunt."
"I didn't, the matches were being a bitch," I replied and mentally smacked myself as Dean piped in.
"Then how did you light the fire?"
My hesitance to answer the question was enough for Sam, "You used your lighter…you're smoking again?"
"God, Mac, those things are going to kill you," Dean exclaimed with a look of disgust and disapproval on his face.
"Yeah, cause popping ghosts is such a safe job," I laughed bluntly as we rode the short distance to our motel room.
"What's got you so stressed that you're smoking again?" Sam asked every word laced with concern. I could see Dean glancing back in the rearview mirror equally interested in my answer as well.
"Nothing," I lied through my teeth, "old habits just die hard, I guess."
Both of them accepted the reply and we fell into a comfortable silence letting the radio fill the void. Truth was I had gotten my acceptance letter from college a few days ago but after everything Sam went through losing Jessica, I was scared.
As soon as the car stopped, I bolted to the motel room door so I could be the first one to shower. Being the youngest of three, usually meant hand me down clothes that were too big, not to mention made for the wrong gender, cold showers and sorry excuses for shoes.
I showered quickly not wanting to hear the complaints from my brothers about no hot water but stayed in the bathroom to get a few minutes to myself. I was brushing my hair out and was surprised to see the girl staring back at me in the mirror.
Look at me I will never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter. Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart.
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I have always been expected to go along with my father's crusade on the search for my mother's killer. Since I was a child, the weight of conformity and cooperation with my family's rules would always leave a nasty scar on my free-will. I was supposed to throw everything away for pride and revenge.
It's not that I don't know who I am, I'm a Winchester; but I realized that I've been stuck in a box my entire life. The older I got, the smaller the box became and the more I wanted to break free.
All the devotion to my family that was pounded into me as a child was suddenly rushing out of my body. I didn't love them any less but I wanted the sole opportunity to be loved without being a gun-slinging freak. I wanted a normal life where I could just let everything go and just be who I set out to be.
Every inch of my beings wanted to break away. Inside I wanted freedom of will, and the more I wanted that independence and liberation the more I was pulled into the drowning world of hunting. The dark circles under my eyes, scars on my skin and toned body were clear indicators of the world I was trying desperately to get away from but there would never be any autonomy for me.
How could I be someone I wasn't? How am I being forced to be someone I'm not? My family wants me to be one thing and I want to be another. I was going against all these social norms placed down by my father because all I wanted to prove was that my life meant something and made a difference. It would almost be easier to say it was me against them but they all wanted something different from me and I wanted nothing more than to make each of them happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness to do so.
Confucius originated the concept of filial piety that described the basic theory that encouraged the members of a family to put their own personal desires below the needs of the whole family unit. I spent all my life being the perfect daughter and sister. Everything I did, I did to make them proud. I resented the fact that if I were to speak up for my own individualism my father would disapprove and send me on his mastered ability of guilt tripping. I guess in all reality the fact I applied to college in the first place would have sent my father over the edge but I knew Sam wanted more for me, more than the short straw he had drew.
The key part of being able to achieve that admirable goal of self is to figure out how to find your true self. This is to distinguish between essence and non-essence. Essence is what makes someone who they are. Whereas non-essence is a part of someone you can remove from the whole without that person ceasing to be who they are.
I was pulled out of my train of thought when there was a bang on the door.
"Hey, Mac," Dean said from the other side, "You coming out anytime soon?"
"Yeah," I replied with a bleak nuance as I took out my acceptance letter from my toiletry bag and tore it to pieces, glancing at my reflection one last time before walking back into the room at the same time my father came through the motel room door.
"Got a call from Joshua there's a vampire nest two states over," he announced placing the take out bag on the table, "we should head out in the morning."
"Why wait?" I questioned with false enthusiasm as I plastered on my smile and repacked my bag.
Maybe someday I would find a way to please everyone including myself but until that day I would plaster on my smile, hold my chin up high and do anything I could to make my family proud.