Just something that came to me. Please read and review! :)
The journey back from the countryside had been a silent one. To begin with, both Owen and Jack had attempted to get a conversation going however, five minutes into the journey, they realised that the rest of the team just wanted to think in silence and gave up. This resulted in Owen falling into boredom, tapping a rhythm on the dashboard in front of him, irritating everyone. Jack just focused on driving and Gwen, Tosh and Ianto, all of which were sat in the back, remained completely silent, not even bothering to tell Owen to shut up.
Once back in Cardiff, the rest of the team went into the hub whilst Ianto decided to remain in the tourist information centre. He sat, staring at his computer screen, watching as the minutes passed. It had only been a few hours since he had had a knife to his throat. His hand went straight to his throat, where the knife had been. He hadn't told the others but Ewan had succeeded in puncturing his skin slightly. It hadn't been too bad and Ianto had managed to stop the bleeding and kept his head in a position which had been able to cover it up when Owen had briefly checked if he was alright. Ianto had just replied with a nod. He didn't need them fussing over him.
The events of the day continued to return to him, his argument with Tosh when they had been in the cellar, the thought that Jack had abandoned them all when the knife had been against his throat, the remains of all the victims before him in the fridge.
Ianto shook his head, attempting to rid the memories from his head. He had been optimistic at the beginning of the trip. He was ecstatic to finally accompany the trip on one of their outings, to escape the hub with all the memories of Lisa. He should have predicted what was to come. Nothing good ever came out of camping. Ianto had never been able to see the attraction to camping but when Jack had told him they were going out on a camping trip and that he was to go to, Ianto had not complained.
He jumped out of his thoughts when he heard a voice speak: Tosh. "Ianto!" She called his name as if she had already called it many times before. Maybe she had. Ianto hadn't been too focused on other people attempting to talk to him.
"Oh, hi Tosh," he straightened his tie and put on a false smile, trying to act professional as usual. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh, nothing," she said quickly. Ianto watched her closely. It seemed as if she was preventing herself from saying something. "I was just leaving."
"Have a safe journey then," Ianto smiled politely at her before returning his concentration to his computer screen. When he had no reply, but hadn't heard the door open or close, he looked up to see her standing in the open door but looking at him.
"Are you okay, Ianto?" She asked quietly.
"I'm fine," Ianto shrugged, looking back down at his computer screen, feeling guilty. She had been the only one who bothered to comfort him after Lisa's death. She had been there to give him advice on what to do next. Surely it would be best to tell her the truth? But she still seemed pretty shaken up about the incident. He couldn't be selfish. "What about you?"
"You don't have to pretend everything's alright, Ianto," Although she spoke quietly, and Ianto could hardly hear her from the other side of the room, he could still make out the seriousness of her tone. "You had a knife to your throat. You're not just going to be fine."
Ianto ran a hand through his hair. "I'm fine, Tosh, just leave it," Tosh's words were making him feel even more guilty. He would normally talk to her about it but, for some reason, she didn't seem like the right person at this point in time. "You went through shit today, too."
"Not the way you did," Tosh argued, and Ianto could tell there was no truth arguing back.
"I'm fine, Tosh, really," Ianto replied, smiling slightly at his friends persistence.
"I'm here if you need to talk," Ianto nodded gratefully, both for the offer, and the fact that she seemed to understand that he didn't want to talk about it. Yet. "And thank you."
"For what?" Ianto asked modestly, though he could guess why she was thanking him; he didn't like jumping to conclusions in case he was wrong.
"For saving me, giving me a chance to run," Tosh replied. "It was brave of you." It seemed like she was going to add something about it being his first outing with the team but had decided to leave it out.
"It's okay," Ianto shrugged again, they were still on the topic he didn't want to talk about and Ianto had decided to say as little as possible to stop Tosh from continuing with this specific topic but he realised he had something he had to say. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. You knew what you were doing. I shouldn't have doubted you." It had been bothering him since the incident. He had realised it wasn't right of him straight after he'd said it however the environment they were in was not the best place for apologising.
"It's alright," Tosh said, glancing away at the compliment. The two fell into silence for a minute. "Goodnight Ianto."
"Goodnight Toshiko," Ianto sat back, slightly more relaxed now, and watched as Tosh left, closing the tourist information door behind her. Ianto smiled to himself before turning to his computer and attempting to begin his report on their outing.
It didn't take him long to realise it had been too early to begin the report and he hurriedly closed the word document he was writing on, not bothering to save the sentence he had managed to write. He knew he would have to write it at some point. Just not at that time. The memories had kept returning to him as he attempted to write the report. They hadn't left him. No matter how much he tried to push them away they just kept returning. Leaving the report for now was the best thing to do.
He begun tapping on his desk, he needed coffee but he couldn't face his other three teammates who he knew were still in the hub. He knew he would face them one by one in the end, as they left but he'd rather it be spaced out then all at once. He could, of course, just leave. Right there, right then. Go back home and make his coffee there however if he did that, he'd be unable to speak to that one person he needed to speak to. He had to stay. He needed that conversation. But what was he to say?
Half an hour later, Gwen entered the tourist information centre from the hub. She glanced at Ianto as she entered. "Horrible experience," she shuddered. Ianto was about to nod in agreement but her next sentence stopped him. "Those cannibals made me feel sick and I was shot in the stomach. Trust me; you don't ever want to be shot it hurts!" Ianto had to stop himself from rolling his eyes, of course it was always about Gwen, he should have expected she wasn't talking about his experience. Sure, getting shot is bad (and of course it hurts) but he would have liked to have seen her dramatic explanation if she had been in his position. They would never have heard the end of it on the car journey back. He was surprised when she too had been so quiet on the car journey. Though, she had probably been in shock.
"I would believe it would!" Ianto replied, forcing another smile and preventing himself from ranting about his troubles. That would just sound selfish, perhaps Gwen-like.
"See you tomorrow then," Gwen grinned as she walked out the door.
"Good evening," Ianto called after her as she shut the door behind her. He guessed she wouldn't have done much to talk to him. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if Owen or Jack hardly spoke to him. He was just there to make coffee, do the jobs no one else wanted to do however he still believed that, somehow, one of them would help him.
He decided to go into the hub, coffee would help him too. It would be able to keep him awake, for sure. He already knew he wouldn't be sleeping much that night. After Lisa death, whenever he attempted to sleep, memories would just return to him. He figured that this would be just the same and reliving that moment with the knife against his throat and the thought that Jack had abandoned them all was definitely not on the top of his list for moments he wanted to relive.
Once he got into the hub, he was immediately greeted by Owen's moaning, "Finally! I thought I was going to have to wait until tomorrow for coffee!"
"Whatever," Ianto muttered as he walked up the stairs towards his coffee machine. He wasn't in the mood for Owen's smug comments or his sarcasm. As he continued to make his way towards the coffee machine, he decided to try and think about something else. "The coffee machine needs to be moved," he murmured the first thought that came into his head. It was true, it did need moving. Ianto was planning on moving it down to the ground floor, that way he wouldn't have to carry the steaming hot liquids as far as he did at the moment.
When he reached the coffee machine, he began making the drinks. He hadn't bothered to ask Jack if he wanted one, he knew the answer to that question without having to ask. He moved the first coffee made across to the silver tray, almost spilling it along the way as a hand suddenly pressed against his shoulder, causing him to jump in surprise. He placed the mug on the silver tray before spinning round to face Owen. "You almost gave me a heart attack!" He grumbled.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Owen shrugged, studying his shoes as if he was embarrassed to admit the truth. Ianto stared at Owen in amazement, since the Lisa incident, things between Ianto and Owen hadn't been all too good. The only time they would speak to each other was about coffee or just to insult each other. "What you did today, that was good work."
"Thanks," Ianto muttered, he didn't really want to talk about it however if it meant receiving a compliment from Owen, it wasn't too bad. He could remind Owen of this compliment the next time they argue.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Owen asked as Ianto turned to continue making the coffees. "You just don't seem yourself."
"Of course I'm not okay!" Ianto exclaimed, a bit louder than he had meant. He coughed awkwardly before turning and handing Owen a mug. "Sorry, I'm fine. Just a bit shaken up," Ianto didn't feel as bad when it came to lying to Owen. Maybe because he had done it before, on many occasions. When he had been struggling to keep Lisa hidden, it had been easy to lie to Owen and Gwen but when it came to lying to Tosh or Jack, Ianto had found it much more difficult. He hated it. The plan had been to get inside Torchwood and lie low, not to create friendships with his colleagues. He was there to help Lisa, not benefit socially himself. But there was no point thinking about all that, Lisa was gone now. He had to try and move on.
"It's alright," Owen replied and he turned. "Thanks for the coffee."
"You're welcome," Ianto watched as he left to return back to his workstation. He frowned. That had been a weird experience. Owen being nice to him. Ianto watched Owen, trying to figure out why he had been so nice. Had he been possessed by an alien? Ianto laughed to himself. That was a weird thought. Ianto continued to watch Owen. He answered his phone, smiled then hung up, gulping down the rest of his coffee and running out of the hub. Why was he in such a hurry? Perhaps he needed to report to his senior alien officer!
Ianto chuckled slightly, Owen was probably just hungry. His smile faded. Hungry. He found it funny how one word could remind you of many unwanted memories. Ianto studied the floor slightly before sighing and picking up the silver tray. Jack would want his coffee.
Ianto knocked on Jack's office door, professionally as always. He didn't see how the event of the day should change his personality within Torchwood, even if he was pretty shaken up. He pushed the door open. "I've brought you coffee, sir," Ianto announced. Jack was across the room, sat behind his desk and working on something. Perhaps his report of the events. He placed his pen down and looked up when Ianto spoke.
Ianto walked further into the office, shutting the door behind, and meeting Jack in the middle of the room. Jack picked up his mug from the tray and Ianto took his own before placing the tray on Jack's desk. He had a feeling that he'd be in there for a while. "Thank you," Jack smiled slightly.
"You're welcome. Just doing my job," Ianto replied after taking a sip of his coffee. Jack also took a sip from his mug but then placed the mug down on his desk.
"Are you okay, Ianto?" Ianto could almost have groaned. He'd lost track of how many people had asked him that since returning to Cardiff. He couldn't really blame them though and Ianto was glad that Jack had asked. He felt like he could finally tell the truth. The truth he had been so close to spilling out to Owen which would not have been a good thing.
"No, I'm not alright," Ianto snapped, moving to place his mug on the desk too. "I had a knife against my throat and all Gwen is thinking about is herself and having been shot, and you lot keep asking me if I'm okay. Of course I'm not going to be okay!" Throughout Ianto's short rant, Jack had made no attempt to interrupt and stayed silent when he'd finished. It was as if he had known that was coming. Ianto sighed and tried again, a bit softer this time. "Why did you take me Jack?" Once again, Jack didn't reply. It was as if he was letting Ianto get everything he wanted to say out there. "I always stay here in the hub. I keep things running from here." Jack still didn't reply. Irritated, Ianto snapped again, shouting, "Why the heck did you take me, Jack?"
"I didn't want to leave you out, Ianto," Jack admittedly quietly. "Ever since the Cyberwo-, I mean, Lisa incident, you've been even more withdrawn from the team. I wanted you to feel like you belonged here. You're part of the team. I needed you to know that. If I knew it would be that dangerous I would never have taken you along."
Ianto looked down, staring at the floor, with a surge of guilt. Guilty that he had snapped at Jack when all Jack wanted was for him to feel like he belonged there, guilty that he had felt like he hadn't belonged but most of all guilty that it seemed like he had already moved on from Lisa.
Ianto looked back up at Jack. "I should go now, sir," he said weakly. "To get some sleep ready for tomorrow."
He turned and walked to the door. As he opened it, Jack called after him, "Ianto! You may not feel like talking now but in some time you will. I'll be here when you want to talk." Ianto just nodded as he left the room both guilt and disbelief spreading through his body.
He was already getting over Lisa and he couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing.