And in case you hadn't figured it out already, here's part two...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this fanfic. If I did, then I would be a whole lot richer. In actual fact, I own nothing but the word processor these words are being typed on, so even if TPTB did decide to sue me for my less-than-legal use of their characters, they would end up with less than they started with.
TEASER
(Clips from the previous episode, the usual recapping of what's already happened in part one, with some sort of annoyingly friendly narration, then cut to the opening credits)
SCENE ONE
(Wayne and Diane's bedroom on board the cruise ship. Wayne is kneeling on the floor, making scientific observations as he studies Nick's smouldering computer game. Nick is watching him with obvious concern, and Diane is sitting on the bed, still looking sick)
Nick: Any idea what's happening yet?
Wayne: No, and it might go a little quicker if you stopped asking me every five seconds.
Nick: Oh. Sorry. I'll shut up then. (A ten-second pause) Anything yet?
Wayne: Nick, you're grating on my last nerve. (He taps uneasily at the machine's screen, then frowns when nothing out of the ordinary happens) There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the machine...except for the fact that it's not working...
Nick: So why are my computer-designed killer ninjas running around the ship?
Wayne: My guess is that when you spilled my formula over it, you caused some sort of quasi-electrodigital pulse to...umm...warp out from the system, engulfing the ship and its passengers, which somehow caused a flux to occur between the virtual system within your game and the real world, which has somehow allowed them to merge--
Diane: In english, please.
Wayne: Sorry, hon. Basically my formula combined with the hi-tech circuits in Nick's game to form a sort of Virtual-Reality type universe, which we seem to be caught in the middle of. From what I can figure out, the only way to untangle the mingling worlds is to...as it were..."complete" the game. But, and here's the hard part, we need to do it on a **physical** level...which means fighting real ninja warriors--who, presumable consist of the previous crew and passengers of the ship--and taking on the real-life end-of-game boss, thus completing the game on a sub-virtual level, which would cause the rip in our reality to mend itself... Of course, it's all totally theoretical at this stage...
Nick: Cool!
Wayne: That's not the word I'd use to describe it.
Nick: Are you kidding? All the other kids have to go on vacation in tropical countries like Mexico and Tunisia...but not me, oh no. That would be too normal for a Szalinski. **I** get to kill a whole ship full of tourists-turned-ninja in order to repair a gaping hole in the space-time-reality continuum! This is the coolest vacation ever!
Wayne: First off, nobody is killing anyone. These "tourists-turned-ninja" are people just like us, and we are **not** going to kill any of them as long as we have the choice.
Diane: I thought you said they were Samurais...
Nick: They were. I guess when their world migled with ours it kind of scrambled their computer-processed genetic make-up, turning them into killer ninjas instead.
Diane: I can't tell you how reassuring that is. (thinking for a second before turning back to her husband with a renewed sense of panic) Honey...what about Amy?
Wayne: Ah. Yes. Good question. Umm...presumably, this situation has effected the entire ship, with the sole exception of us, which is presumably because, being the cause of this merging of realities, we were somehow protected from it's effects. As for Amy...well, unless she's hiding in the closet or something, then there's a very high probability that she has been sucked into this virtual world, and has become part of Nick's game.
Diane: (standing) Oh, honey... (sighs softly, then groans and holds her stomach) Why couldn't you just send us into outer space again, or back to the real-life Jurassic Park like last year? Why did it have to be a **vacation**?
Wayne: (putting his arm around her) I'm sorry, hon. I guess Szalinskis and good luck don't mix. (smiles) And for the record, it was closer to the Triassic than the Jurassic. The Jurassic period involved a more consistent temperate humidity than what we experienced, and--
Diane: Honey!
Wayne: Just trying to lighten the moment.
Diane: It's not working.
Nick: So, what do we do from here? We already know that these virtual guys recognise me as Wonder-Nick, but what about you guys? Wouldn't they just ignore you? (thinks for a second, then continues without giving Wayne a chance to respond) Does that mean that I have to take on all those evil ninja warriors all by myself...?
Wayne: Of course not! The characters in your game will, obviously, recognise you as the hero, as your friend demonstrated before. Even though you designed it as a one-player game, it is highly probably that your characters will recognise that your mom and I are not "designed" as a part of their system, and so will, presumably, see us as your sidekicks or associates. (looks just a little nervous) Which means they'll try to kill us.
Nick: Oh. (frowns, then shrugs) Cool!
Diane: And how do we go about stopping these ninja warriors without killing them?
Nick: Yeah, Dad. I understand that we can't do them any real damage, because they're real-life people and everything, but somehow I don't think they have any qualms about ripping out our hearts and feeding them to us one piece at a time...
Diane: (turning pale) Nick...
Nick: Or chopping our heads off, tearing out our intenstines...
Diane: That's enough, Nicky...
Nick: Or just generally mutilating and decapacitating us, until there's nothing left but our slowly rotting bodies left to decay in a virtual world of tourists-turned-ninja.
Diane: Nick!
Nick: (grinning innocently) Yes, Mom?
Diane: Be a good boy and shut up.
Wayne: Don't panic, family. You seem to be forgetting that there's a genuis among us. I'm sure I'll be able to think of **some** way of stopping the ninjas without killing the host tourists. (thinks for a couple of seconds) Any second now, I'll think of something clever and creative... (a long pause) Yep, any second now, I'll be hit by a brainstorm...any second now...
SCENE TWO
(The corridor outside the room. It is empty. A few moments of silence pass before the door to the Szalinski room swings wide open and Nick leaps out with a heroic yell. He is dressed to look the part of his virtual-reality character, wearing a shimmering silver Karate outfit with a traditional black belt around his waist and a black bandanna tied around his head. In his hand is a conspicuously un-Ninja-ish laser weapon, evidently one of his father's inventions which has been made especially for the occassion...)
Nick: I am the mighty warrior, the feared creature known as Wonder-Nick! Evil-doers beware, for nowhere is safe from my wrath! (flexes his nonexistent muscles and looks down the empty corridor) Man, this is so cool! (bounces excitedly)
(A few moments pass, and the door opens again. Wayne and Diane step out, considerably less dramatically than their son. They are dressed in similar outfits to Nick's, but do not seem to be as thrilled as he is. Both carry flamboyant laser weapons)
Diane: (looking very self-conscious) OK...so would you mind telling me again why we're going to be running around a virtual-reality cruise ship, shooting hundreds of killer ninjas with these little plasma ray gun things of yours **in our pyjamas**? Couldn't we do the same job just as quickly, and might I add more comfortably, in jeans?
Wayne: We have to get into character, Di. And they're not " little plasma ray gun things". They are the new Szalinski Patent Pending Plasma-Powered-Pixel Projectile Systems.
Nick: (muttering) "Little plasma ray gun things" sounded better.
Wayne: I heard that! These babies are designed to release a flow of plasma-charged pixels when fired, which are harmless to humans, but completely lethal to quasi-human sub-virtual creatures like those ninjas. It won't hurt the host tourists, but the blast should be enough to form a gap in the reality-shift, similar to the one that's already formed, but in reverse, which should theoretically separate the virtual-ninja from the real-life tourist, creating two different entities, like the cloning device, only the "clone" would be an evil killer ninja.
Diane: (obviously confused) Riiiight...then what?
Wayne: Then, obviously, we would blast the ninja, scrambling his circuits and consequently causing him to literally cease to exist.
Nick: And then all we have to do is offer to help the newly-freed tourist pay for the next twenty-five years worth of psychotherapy sessions...
Wayne: (ignoring Nick) And then we just do the same again and again until we've rescued all of the tourists and Amy from the virtual world, which will cause the sub-reality shift to collapse in on itself as its supply of host humans is returned to our world, and then life returns to normal, and then we can enjoy the rest of our vacation.
Diane: (totally and helplessly baffled) As simple as that?
Wayne: (very pleased with himself) Yep! As simple as that! I told you it was no big deal!
Diane: Firstly, no you didn't, and secondly, I was being sarcastic.
Wayne: (taken aback) Oh.
Nick: Can we get going already?
Wayne: (looks around uneasily for a few seconds, before glancing at Diane, who nods at him with equal uncertainty) All right...let's kick some--
Diane: Honey!
Wayne: Well...you know what I mean...
Nick: (grins and waves his gun around with enthusiasm) Let's lock and load!
(His parents look at him for a few seconds, then as a unit the three of them begin to walk down the corridor, keeping exaggerated fighting stances. After two and a half steps, Diane stops, looking at the door which is now on their right; it is Nick and Amy's bedroom)
Diane: Wait a minute, honey. Shouldn't we check to see if Amy's still in her room? Surely it's possible that she managed to escape this reality-flux thing...
Wayne: Actually, it's not...but we'll check anyway if it makes you feel better.
(She gives him a grateful kiss, and they step towards the door, which Nick cautiously unlocks, leaping back as the door swings open, in anticipation of some heinous attack. When there is nothing but an ominous silence in response, he shrugs and steps into the room, followed by his parents. The room is exactly as it was when Nick and Wayne left it earlier, the only difference being that it is completely empty)
Wayne: (turning to Diane) There. She's not here. Are you happy now?
Diane: I...uhm...yeah, I guess so...
Nick: (sarcastically) Oh no. No Amy. What are we going to do?
(Suddenly the bathroom door swings open and three ninjas leap into the room with loud battle cries. They are dressed similarly to the Szalinskis, but their outfits are black and their belts and bandannas are white. They stand in a line, facing our heroes, with the largest and most well-muscled of the three (Ninja#1) facing Nick and snarling viciously)
Ninja#1: So, we meet again, Wonder-Nick.
Nick: Errm...no, I don't think so. I'd recognise your face.
Ninja#1: Very clever, Wonder-Nick, but now is not the time for snide comments. You know why I am here. It is my sworn duty to serve the Master, and the Master has demanded your death. I will kill you, even if it involves taking my own life.
Nick: Oh, please.
(He holds up his gun and fires a stream of yellow energy, which hits the ninja in the centre of his chest, sending him flying back against the wall. After a few moments of agonised writhing, the ninja seems to split in half, forming two half-sillhouetted figures, a baffled-looking tourist, and a furious-looking ninja vampire. Nick grins proudly at his father)
Nick: Great going, Dad! These things work perfectly!
Wayne: As if there was any doubt.
(Nick shoots at the vampire ninja with his plasma gun, vaporising him. After watching the scene in silence, Wayne and Diane smile, obviously relieved that the plasma guns actually work, and proceed to do the same thing to the other two ninjas, leaving only three helplessly frightened and confused tourists waiting for an explanation)
Tourist#1: Errm...what's going on?
Tourist#2: Do we really want to know...?
Wayne: Fear not, citizen! Everything is under control. Now, we must ask you to remain in here where it's safe for the next...well, until you hear otherwise. (And without giving the tourists the chance to respond, he saunters heroically out of the room)
Diane: (chasing Wayne out into the corridor) Honey...what about Amy?
Nick: (following them) Forget Amy! What did you guys think of my plasma blasting? Wasn't it the coolest thing **ever**? Man, Joel is going to be so jealous!
SCENE THREE
(Back outside the room. The Szalinskis--minus Amy--are walking down the corridor, looking nervously up and down the corridor in anticipation of an attack)
Wayne: Stay alert, Team. Enemies could be lurking around every corner. (The corridor is, in fact, a perfectly straight line with no corners, and it is obvious that any attackers would be seen long before he has the chance to do anything to them)
Nick: (growling and pointing his plasma gun down the corridor in a threatening pose) Just let me at 'em! I am Wonder-Nick, the all-powerful warrior!
Diane: That's enough, Nicky. There's no need to get carried away.
Wayne: (snapped back to reality by Diane's voice of reason) Yes, that's right. It's good that you're enthusiastic about this little mission, but we don't want to get sucked into this virtual-reality world completely, do we? It **is** still only a game, after all. Let's not forget that.
Nick: Oh, all right then...but it's still really cool!
Diane: (sighing softly) So much for a peaceful vacation.
Wayne: Gee, honey, I'm really sorry about this. It was all my fault...I just wanted to make you feel better. I guess I can't even do that right.
Diane: (looking at Nick with maternal sternness) Actually, I can think of someone else who has his share of the blame regarding this little incident...
Nick: Who? Me? You're the one who got seasick in the first place! All I did was try to stop Dad from poisoning you with his pink gunk! It's not **my** fault that the stupid universe decided it wanted to merge with my video game! That was just lucky.
Wayne: (wearily) Does it really matter?
Diane: At the moment, no. But... (glares at Nick again) We are going to have a very long talk as soon as all this is over. Is that clear, young man?
Nick: (sighs and nods) Clear as glass. Now, if you don't mind, it's no longer plain old "Nick" but "**Wonder**-Nick the great warrior". You have to remember that in this world, I'm a hero...
Diane: And **you** have to remember that in the real world, you're grounded.
(Nick opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind and shuts up)
Wayne: Good. Now, if it's not too much to ask, would it be all right if we focused on the mission at hand? Those evil killer ninjas are not going to dissolve themselves, you know...
Diane: Yes, all right...but can we **please** try and sustain a sense of reality? Just because the ship has turned into a video game is no need for us to turn into two-dimensional characters as well...We're still Team Szalinski, remember.
Wayne: That's right, honey. (points down the corridor) Now onward and upward to the next level! The evil leader of the killer ninjas is just waiting to be vanquished at our hands! (starts charging down the corridor with his weapon at the ready)
Nick: Yes Sir! (holds up his own plasma gun) All right, you horrible monsters, come out and face me like men! Or are you afraid of the great and heroic warrior, Wonder-Nick? (yells out heroically and chases his father down the corridor)
Diane: (sighs to herself) Why do I even bother? (half-heartedly follows the others)
(After a few minutes they reach the end of the corridor, which is marked by a huge yellow door with the words "LEVEL FOUR" written across it in dark blue print. Just as Wayne is about to open the door, five ninjas jump down from the ceiling, snarling angrily)
Wayne: Oh, great...
Ninja#2: So, we meet again, Wonder-Nick!
Nick: Why do you guys all insist on saying that? I'm not going to be very happy if I have to tell every single one of you that this is, in fact, the first time I've ever seen you.
Wayne: Here's a novel idea, son. Don't tell them. Just blast them.
Nick: Good idea. (blasts Ninja#2, freeing the tourist and creating another killer vampire, whom he promptly sends spiralling into oblivion)
Tourist#3: Who the heck are you? (Looks around in confusion, then notices the four other ninja warriors standing beside him) Is this some kind of fancy dress thing?
Diane: Not exactly...it's rather a long story.
Nick: No it's not. My dad spilled some pink gunk over my video game, which caused a rift to form between our two realities and turning the entire cruise ship into a virtual-reality computer game with real-life evil ninjas, whom we have to destroy if we want the reality-flux to repair itself and the real world to return to normal. See? Not so long.
Tourist#3: Riiiiight...(backs away slowly)
Wayne: It's true. (blasts the next ninja in an attempt to prove what Nick has said)
Tourist#3: (watches the ninja split into two different people, and then watches as Wayne happily vaporises the evil vampire, and turns to grin at him) Wow...nifty special effects there, buddy. (gives an inane giggle and passes out)
Wayne: Poor guy. He must be exhausted from all this warping between dimensions.
(He chuckles to himself and proceeds to vaporise the next two ninjas. Nick grins and joins in on the last one, and when they have finished, they high-five each other and turn to Diane who is helplessly trying to explain the situation to the four newly-rescued tourists)
Wayne: Come on, honey. Level Four awaits us!
Diane: (sarcastically) I'm overjoyed.
Nick: Yeah, me too! I've never got this far before.
(Wayne dramatically opens the door, and Team Szalinski step through it, weapons at the ready as they prepare for the challenges of the next level)
Tourist#4: (gazing after them in a state of panic) Hey! What about us?
Tourist#5: Oh well...anyone up for a game of Go Fish?
SCENE FOUR
(The deck of the ship. As Wayne and Company emerge from the bowels of the vessel, it is becoming more obvious that the world they are in is not entirely real. The floor and walls around them are taking on a decidedly graphical appearance, and as Team Szalinski heads over to the nearest rail to look down at the sea, the water is visibly made up of electronic pixels in some places, using a very cheap-looking colour program)
Nick: (looking worriedly into the sea) Is it just me, or are things starting to look a little more like my video game and a little less like the real world?
Wayne: Hmm...very observant, Nick. It does appear that way.
Diane: Great. What does that mean?
Wayne: Well, looking at it in retrospect, I suppose the most logical assumption would be that the sub-virtual part of this makeshift universe is...errm...subsidising the quasi-reality part, which would, presumably, result in the eventual overpowering of the virtual world over the real one.
Diane: In **english** please!
Nick: Game and Reality trying to kill each other, Game is Winning, Reality go Bye-Bye, World turns into a giant video game with nobody 3-dimensional enough to save it.
Diane: Oh.
Wayne: I suggest we start moving a little more quickly.
(At that moment, the ship seems to collapse, leaving Team Szalinski inside a large black box with electric blue circuitry lines running along the walls, ceiling, and floor)
Wayne: Never mind.
(A loud electronic bleeping sound is heard, starting off very quietly and growing in volume until it is a piercing squeal. Wayne looks around, clearly fascinated, Diane covers her ears, and Nick looks miserably around at the world he has created)
Diane: Nick, remind me to put some major volume restrictions on your next gaming project.
Nick: I don't think there's any danger of that, Mom...
(After a few agonising seconds of bleeping, a dark figure descends from the ceiling, almost completely hidden by the blackness of the background. Nick is the first to notice it, and he cries out in surprise, pointing at the mysterious figure)
Wayne: (noticing it) What in the name of Albert Einstein is that?
(Without warning, the shrouded figure throws off its dark cloak and reveals its true nature)
Diane: (relieved) Amy!
Wayne: (surprised) Amy?
Nick: (disappointed) Amy.
(Indeed, it is Amy. She steps towards Team Szalinski, looking decidedly evil. She is dressed in a similar outfit to the other ninjas that they had fought, with lots of brightly coloured japanese letters woven into the cloth. Her face is filled with hatred as she glares viciously at Nick)
Amy: So, Wonder-Nick, you think you can fool me by pretending not to recognise my true evil. I do not know who you think you are to venture so boldly into my domain, but I feel I should warn you that this will be your last ever mission, you sickening do-gooder.
Nick: Huh? **You're** the final boss? But that can't be right...we're supposed to have another fourteen more levels to go through before meeting you.
Diane: Fourteen more levels?
Wayne: It's okay, Nickles. The reality-flux is obviously causing disruptions in your program, and things are switching around a bit...it's nothing to worry about.
Diane: **Fourteen** more levels?
Nick: This is it? What a total anti-climax! I wanted explosions and enormous hoardes of killer ninja warriors waiting to be vanquished. There's no way this game will be featured on the "Top Ten Most Creative and Generally Wonderful Video Games Designed by Under-Fifteens in the New Millenium"! I can't believe this...it's so unfair!
Diane: **Fourteen more levels**?!?
Wayne: Not any more, hon. The instability between worlds that the game's system was using to try and disrupt our reality's composition seems to have backfired on it. It's merged the two worlds together into this final show-down with this Final Boss, who just coincidentally happens to be the final member of Team Szalinski.
Nick: So, even without the explosions and enormous hoardes of killer ninja warriors, this is like a battle to the death, with the sake of our entire reality on the line?
Wayne: That's about the size of it...
Nick: Cool!
Diane: So...how many more levels now?
Wayne: That depends on who wins this battle. If we win, then the world should theoretically be returned to its normal state, as this "Final Boss" is the personification of the computer world's attempt to subside the real world. If we defeat it, the threat will be neutralised, and we should go back to our vacation. If, however, Amy--or whoever Amy's character is--defeats us, then there will be nothing left to stop the virtual world from overpowering our own...which of course means that, if we are still alive, we will spend the rest of our existences wandering hopelessly around a world made up entirely of circuits and pixels.
Nick: Loosely translated...Eat hot plasma, Evil Sister! (shoots Amy with his laser, engulfing her with yellow sparks and flames, but actually doing no real damage)
Amy: (rolling her eyes) Is that your best shot?
Nick: (keeps on blasting in spite of the lack of effect) Errm...actually, yeah.
Diane: (panicking) Why isn't it working? It worked on all the others!
Wayne: Don't panic, hon. You've got to remember, this is the final boss. Obviously it will have been programmed to be a little more difficult to overcome than the others. But I'm sure that if we just keep on blasting, the evil villain will be defeated and we'll have our reality back...and our Amy, of course... (adopts the annoyingly heroic tone that shows he is as much becoming part of the game as his son) So you just sit back and relax and let the heroes deal with this. (kisses her on the cheek with a patronisingly affectionate smile)
Diane: (pushing him away with disgust) You chauvinist little-- (stops herself) How dare you insinuate that I can't take care of myself in a life-and-death situation! (raises her plasma gun, all the while glaring furiously at Wayne) You...you...**man**!
(Insulted, she fires the gun at Amy, yelling over-enthustiastically. Her bright red shot mingles with Nick's yellow one, forming a multi-coloured forcefield to surround Amy. After a couple of seconds, the figure splits in half, as did all of the others, leaving a stunned and confused Amy standing two feet away from a snarling killer vampire)
Diane: (scowling at Wayne) I think you need a reality-check, Mr. "Hero"!
Nick: (grinning as he proceeds to blast the vampire) Yeah, Dad. It's only a video game, after all. There's no need to get all macho about it...
Diane: I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, "Wonder-Nick".
Nick: Point taken.
(After a couple of seconds exposed to Nick's plasma gun, the vampire dissolves in a rather cheesey-looking puff of smoke, and the virtual-reality black box dissolves back into the deck of the cruise ship. Team Szalinski, with the exception of a still-baffled Amy, take a look around, see that their efforts were successful, and release a loud celebratory cheer)
Amy: I **know** I'm going to regret asking this...but what the heck is going on?
SCENE FIVE
(Amy and Nick's room on the cruise ship. They are packing, evidently in preparation to return home after their holiday. The atmosphere is relaxed and friendly)
Nick: Some vacation, huh?
Amy: Yeah...a real Szalinski experience...
Nick: I still can't believe that we managed to pull off this room-sharing arrangement without you killing me...or even complaining at my compulsive tidiness.
Amy: Yeah, well, I figured that seeing as how I tried to put an end to reality as we know it, the least I could do by way of apology would be to **try** and get along with you. And I guess that you're not **too** bad...as far as nerdy little brothers go...
Nick: Thanks...I think.
Amy: And as soon as I go off to college, you'll be out of my hair anway.
Nick: Oh yeah. Freedom, here I come!
Amy: Chill out, Wonder-Nick. I'm not going anywhere yet...
Nick: Two and a half months, and counting. (grins, then thinks for a second) But it was a pretty cool vacation, wasn't it...y'know, once we had the reality-flux thing sorted out.
Amy: Yeah, I guess it was. But don't you dare tell Dad I said that.
Nick: Your secret's safe with me.
Amy: Thanks, bro'. I can't get over how much independence they gave us. I don't think I saw either of them any more than three times in the entire two weeks! It was like they actually trusted us to get along without hospitalising each other.
Nick: Actually, they didn't have a choice. Mom refused to let Dad make any more of his home-made seasickness formula, and she spent the whole vacation in the bathroom. (is struck by an idea and turns to grin evilly at Amy) You didn't have this whole thing planned did you? Just so you could get a couple of weeks of freedom?
Amy: (innocently) Who, me?
Nick: (attempting hopelessly to lift his over-packed suitase) Well, anyway, I think this should be enough to prove to them that we are mature enough not to need their constant supervision. I mean, if we can get along with each other for two whole weeks, we can do anything. Today a two-week vacation, tomorrow, the world! (laughs maniacally)
Amy: You really are a freak, you know that?
(Fade out as they exit the room)
(END CREDITS)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this fanfic. If I did, then I would be a whole lot richer. In actual fact, I own nothing but the word processor these words are being typed on, so even if TPTB did decide to sue me for my less-than-legal use of their characters, they would end up with less than they started with.
TEASER
(Clips from the previous episode, the usual recapping of what's already happened in part one, with some sort of annoyingly friendly narration, then cut to the opening credits)
SCENE ONE
(Wayne and Diane's bedroom on board the cruise ship. Wayne is kneeling on the floor, making scientific observations as he studies Nick's smouldering computer game. Nick is watching him with obvious concern, and Diane is sitting on the bed, still looking sick)
Nick: Any idea what's happening yet?
Wayne: No, and it might go a little quicker if you stopped asking me every five seconds.
Nick: Oh. Sorry. I'll shut up then. (A ten-second pause) Anything yet?
Wayne: Nick, you're grating on my last nerve. (He taps uneasily at the machine's screen, then frowns when nothing out of the ordinary happens) There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the machine...except for the fact that it's not working...
Nick: So why are my computer-designed killer ninjas running around the ship?
Wayne: My guess is that when you spilled my formula over it, you caused some sort of quasi-electrodigital pulse to...umm...warp out from the system, engulfing the ship and its passengers, which somehow caused a flux to occur between the virtual system within your game and the real world, which has somehow allowed them to merge--
Diane: In english, please.
Wayne: Sorry, hon. Basically my formula combined with the hi-tech circuits in Nick's game to form a sort of Virtual-Reality type universe, which we seem to be caught in the middle of. From what I can figure out, the only way to untangle the mingling worlds is to...as it were..."complete" the game. But, and here's the hard part, we need to do it on a **physical** level...which means fighting real ninja warriors--who, presumable consist of the previous crew and passengers of the ship--and taking on the real-life end-of-game boss, thus completing the game on a sub-virtual level, which would cause the rip in our reality to mend itself... Of course, it's all totally theoretical at this stage...
Nick: Cool!
Wayne: That's not the word I'd use to describe it.
Nick: Are you kidding? All the other kids have to go on vacation in tropical countries like Mexico and Tunisia...but not me, oh no. That would be too normal for a Szalinski. **I** get to kill a whole ship full of tourists-turned-ninja in order to repair a gaping hole in the space-time-reality continuum! This is the coolest vacation ever!
Wayne: First off, nobody is killing anyone. These "tourists-turned-ninja" are people just like us, and we are **not** going to kill any of them as long as we have the choice.
Diane: I thought you said they were Samurais...
Nick: They were. I guess when their world migled with ours it kind of scrambled their computer-processed genetic make-up, turning them into killer ninjas instead.
Diane: I can't tell you how reassuring that is. (thinking for a second before turning back to her husband with a renewed sense of panic) Honey...what about Amy?
Wayne: Ah. Yes. Good question. Umm...presumably, this situation has effected the entire ship, with the sole exception of us, which is presumably because, being the cause of this merging of realities, we were somehow protected from it's effects. As for Amy...well, unless she's hiding in the closet or something, then there's a very high probability that she has been sucked into this virtual world, and has become part of Nick's game.
Diane: (standing) Oh, honey... (sighs softly, then groans and holds her stomach) Why couldn't you just send us into outer space again, or back to the real-life Jurassic Park like last year? Why did it have to be a **vacation**?
Wayne: (putting his arm around her) I'm sorry, hon. I guess Szalinskis and good luck don't mix. (smiles) And for the record, it was closer to the Triassic than the Jurassic. The Jurassic period involved a more consistent temperate humidity than what we experienced, and--
Diane: Honey!
Wayne: Just trying to lighten the moment.
Diane: It's not working.
Nick: So, what do we do from here? We already know that these virtual guys recognise me as Wonder-Nick, but what about you guys? Wouldn't they just ignore you? (thinks for a second, then continues without giving Wayne a chance to respond) Does that mean that I have to take on all those evil ninja warriors all by myself...?
Wayne: Of course not! The characters in your game will, obviously, recognise you as the hero, as your friend demonstrated before. Even though you designed it as a one-player game, it is highly probably that your characters will recognise that your mom and I are not "designed" as a part of their system, and so will, presumably, see us as your sidekicks or associates. (looks just a little nervous) Which means they'll try to kill us.
Nick: Oh. (frowns, then shrugs) Cool!
Diane: And how do we go about stopping these ninja warriors without killing them?
Nick: Yeah, Dad. I understand that we can't do them any real damage, because they're real-life people and everything, but somehow I don't think they have any qualms about ripping out our hearts and feeding them to us one piece at a time...
Diane: (turning pale) Nick...
Nick: Or chopping our heads off, tearing out our intenstines...
Diane: That's enough, Nicky...
Nick: Or just generally mutilating and decapacitating us, until there's nothing left but our slowly rotting bodies left to decay in a virtual world of tourists-turned-ninja.
Diane: Nick!
Nick: (grinning innocently) Yes, Mom?
Diane: Be a good boy and shut up.
Wayne: Don't panic, family. You seem to be forgetting that there's a genuis among us. I'm sure I'll be able to think of **some** way of stopping the ninjas without killing the host tourists. (thinks for a couple of seconds) Any second now, I'll think of something clever and creative... (a long pause) Yep, any second now, I'll be hit by a brainstorm...any second now...
SCENE TWO
(The corridor outside the room. It is empty. A few moments of silence pass before the door to the Szalinski room swings wide open and Nick leaps out with a heroic yell. He is dressed to look the part of his virtual-reality character, wearing a shimmering silver Karate outfit with a traditional black belt around his waist and a black bandanna tied around his head. In his hand is a conspicuously un-Ninja-ish laser weapon, evidently one of his father's inventions which has been made especially for the occassion...)
Nick: I am the mighty warrior, the feared creature known as Wonder-Nick! Evil-doers beware, for nowhere is safe from my wrath! (flexes his nonexistent muscles and looks down the empty corridor) Man, this is so cool! (bounces excitedly)
(A few moments pass, and the door opens again. Wayne and Diane step out, considerably less dramatically than their son. They are dressed in similar outfits to Nick's, but do not seem to be as thrilled as he is. Both carry flamboyant laser weapons)
Diane: (looking very self-conscious) OK...so would you mind telling me again why we're going to be running around a virtual-reality cruise ship, shooting hundreds of killer ninjas with these little plasma ray gun things of yours **in our pyjamas**? Couldn't we do the same job just as quickly, and might I add more comfortably, in jeans?
Wayne: We have to get into character, Di. And they're not " little plasma ray gun things". They are the new Szalinski Patent Pending Plasma-Powered-Pixel Projectile Systems.
Nick: (muttering) "Little plasma ray gun things" sounded better.
Wayne: I heard that! These babies are designed to release a flow of plasma-charged pixels when fired, which are harmless to humans, but completely lethal to quasi-human sub-virtual creatures like those ninjas. It won't hurt the host tourists, but the blast should be enough to form a gap in the reality-shift, similar to the one that's already formed, but in reverse, which should theoretically separate the virtual-ninja from the real-life tourist, creating two different entities, like the cloning device, only the "clone" would be an evil killer ninja.
Diane: (obviously confused) Riiiight...then what?
Wayne: Then, obviously, we would blast the ninja, scrambling his circuits and consequently causing him to literally cease to exist.
Nick: And then all we have to do is offer to help the newly-freed tourist pay for the next twenty-five years worth of psychotherapy sessions...
Wayne: (ignoring Nick) And then we just do the same again and again until we've rescued all of the tourists and Amy from the virtual world, which will cause the sub-reality shift to collapse in on itself as its supply of host humans is returned to our world, and then life returns to normal, and then we can enjoy the rest of our vacation.
Diane: (totally and helplessly baffled) As simple as that?
Wayne: (very pleased with himself) Yep! As simple as that! I told you it was no big deal!
Diane: Firstly, no you didn't, and secondly, I was being sarcastic.
Wayne: (taken aback) Oh.
Nick: Can we get going already?
Wayne: (looks around uneasily for a few seconds, before glancing at Diane, who nods at him with equal uncertainty) All right...let's kick some--
Diane: Honey!
Wayne: Well...you know what I mean...
Nick: (grins and waves his gun around with enthusiasm) Let's lock and load!
(His parents look at him for a few seconds, then as a unit the three of them begin to walk down the corridor, keeping exaggerated fighting stances. After two and a half steps, Diane stops, looking at the door which is now on their right; it is Nick and Amy's bedroom)
Diane: Wait a minute, honey. Shouldn't we check to see if Amy's still in her room? Surely it's possible that she managed to escape this reality-flux thing...
Wayne: Actually, it's not...but we'll check anyway if it makes you feel better.
(She gives him a grateful kiss, and they step towards the door, which Nick cautiously unlocks, leaping back as the door swings open, in anticipation of some heinous attack. When there is nothing but an ominous silence in response, he shrugs and steps into the room, followed by his parents. The room is exactly as it was when Nick and Wayne left it earlier, the only difference being that it is completely empty)
Wayne: (turning to Diane) There. She's not here. Are you happy now?
Diane: I...uhm...yeah, I guess so...
Nick: (sarcastically) Oh no. No Amy. What are we going to do?
(Suddenly the bathroom door swings open and three ninjas leap into the room with loud battle cries. They are dressed similarly to the Szalinskis, but their outfits are black and their belts and bandannas are white. They stand in a line, facing our heroes, with the largest and most well-muscled of the three (Ninja#1) facing Nick and snarling viciously)
Ninja#1: So, we meet again, Wonder-Nick.
Nick: Errm...no, I don't think so. I'd recognise your face.
Ninja#1: Very clever, Wonder-Nick, but now is not the time for snide comments. You know why I am here. It is my sworn duty to serve the Master, and the Master has demanded your death. I will kill you, even if it involves taking my own life.
Nick: Oh, please.
(He holds up his gun and fires a stream of yellow energy, which hits the ninja in the centre of his chest, sending him flying back against the wall. After a few moments of agonised writhing, the ninja seems to split in half, forming two half-sillhouetted figures, a baffled-looking tourist, and a furious-looking ninja vampire. Nick grins proudly at his father)
Nick: Great going, Dad! These things work perfectly!
Wayne: As if there was any doubt.
(Nick shoots at the vampire ninja with his plasma gun, vaporising him. After watching the scene in silence, Wayne and Diane smile, obviously relieved that the plasma guns actually work, and proceed to do the same thing to the other two ninjas, leaving only three helplessly frightened and confused tourists waiting for an explanation)
Tourist#1: Errm...what's going on?
Tourist#2: Do we really want to know...?
Wayne: Fear not, citizen! Everything is under control. Now, we must ask you to remain in here where it's safe for the next...well, until you hear otherwise. (And without giving the tourists the chance to respond, he saunters heroically out of the room)
Diane: (chasing Wayne out into the corridor) Honey...what about Amy?
Nick: (following them) Forget Amy! What did you guys think of my plasma blasting? Wasn't it the coolest thing **ever**? Man, Joel is going to be so jealous!
SCENE THREE
(Back outside the room. The Szalinskis--minus Amy--are walking down the corridor, looking nervously up and down the corridor in anticipation of an attack)
Wayne: Stay alert, Team. Enemies could be lurking around every corner. (The corridor is, in fact, a perfectly straight line with no corners, and it is obvious that any attackers would be seen long before he has the chance to do anything to them)
Nick: (growling and pointing his plasma gun down the corridor in a threatening pose) Just let me at 'em! I am Wonder-Nick, the all-powerful warrior!
Diane: That's enough, Nicky. There's no need to get carried away.
Wayne: (snapped back to reality by Diane's voice of reason) Yes, that's right. It's good that you're enthusiastic about this little mission, but we don't want to get sucked into this virtual-reality world completely, do we? It **is** still only a game, after all. Let's not forget that.
Nick: Oh, all right then...but it's still really cool!
Diane: (sighing softly) So much for a peaceful vacation.
Wayne: Gee, honey, I'm really sorry about this. It was all my fault...I just wanted to make you feel better. I guess I can't even do that right.
Diane: (looking at Nick with maternal sternness) Actually, I can think of someone else who has his share of the blame regarding this little incident...
Nick: Who? Me? You're the one who got seasick in the first place! All I did was try to stop Dad from poisoning you with his pink gunk! It's not **my** fault that the stupid universe decided it wanted to merge with my video game! That was just lucky.
Wayne: (wearily) Does it really matter?
Diane: At the moment, no. But... (glares at Nick again) We are going to have a very long talk as soon as all this is over. Is that clear, young man?
Nick: (sighs and nods) Clear as glass. Now, if you don't mind, it's no longer plain old "Nick" but "**Wonder**-Nick the great warrior". You have to remember that in this world, I'm a hero...
Diane: And **you** have to remember that in the real world, you're grounded.
(Nick opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind and shuts up)
Wayne: Good. Now, if it's not too much to ask, would it be all right if we focused on the mission at hand? Those evil killer ninjas are not going to dissolve themselves, you know...
Diane: Yes, all right...but can we **please** try and sustain a sense of reality? Just because the ship has turned into a video game is no need for us to turn into two-dimensional characters as well...We're still Team Szalinski, remember.
Wayne: That's right, honey. (points down the corridor) Now onward and upward to the next level! The evil leader of the killer ninjas is just waiting to be vanquished at our hands! (starts charging down the corridor with his weapon at the ready)
Nick: Yes Sir! (holds up his own plasma gun) All right, you horrible monsters, come out and face me like men! Or are you afraid of the great and heroic warrior, Wonder-Nick? (yells out heroically and chases his father down the corridor)
Diane: (sighs to herself) Why do I even bother? (half-heartedly follows the others)
(After a few minutes they reach the end of the corridor, which is marked by a huge yellow door with the words "LEVEL FOUR" written across it in dark blue print. Just as Wayne is about to open the door, five ninjas jump down from the ceiling, snarling angrily)
Wayne: Oh, great...
Ninja#2: So, we meet again, Wonder-Nick!
Nick: Why do you guys all insist on saying that? I'm not going to be very happy if I have to tell every single one of you that this is, in fact, the first time I've ever seen you.
Wayne: Here's a novel idea, son. Don't tell them. Just blast them.
Nick: Good idea. (blasts Ninja#2, freeing the tourist and creating another killer vampire, whom he promptly sends spiralling into oblivion)
Tourist#3: Who the heck are you? (Looks around in confusion, then notices the four other ninja warriors standing beside him) Is this some kind of fancy dress thing?
Diane: Not exactly...it's rather a long story.
Nick: No it's not. My dad spilled some pink gunk over my video game, which caused a rift to form between our two realities and turning the entire cruise ship into a virtual-reality computer game with real-life evil ninjas, whom we have to destroy if we want the reality-flux to repair itself and the real world to return to normal. See? Not so long.
Tourist#3: Riiiiight...(backs away slowly)
Wayne: It's true. (blasts the next ninja in an attempt to prove what Nick has said)
Tourist#3: (watches the ninja split into two different people, and then watches as Wayne happily vaporises the evil vampire, and turns to grin at him) Wow...nifty special effects there, buddy. (gives an inane giggle and passes out)
Wayne: Poor guy. He must be exhausted from all this warping between dimensions.
(He chuckles to himself and proceeds to vaporise the next two ninjas. Nick grins and joins in on the last one, and when they have finished, they high-five each other and turn to Diane who is helplessly trying to explain the situation to the four newly-rescued tourists)
Wayne: Come on, honey. Level Four awaits us!
Diane: (sarcastically) I'm overjoyed.
Nick: Yeah, me too! I've never got this far before.
(Wayne dramatically opens the door, and Team Szalinski step through it, weapons at the ready as they prepare for the challenges of the next level)
Tourist#4: (gazing after them in a state of panic) Hey! What about us?
Tourist#5: Oh well...anyone up for a game of Go Fish?
SCENE FOUR
(The deck of the ship. As Wayne and Company emerge from the bowels of the vessel, it is becoming more obvious that the world they are in is not entirely real. The floor and walls around them are taking on a decidedly graphical appearance, and as Team Szalinski heads over to the nearest rail to look down at the sea, the water is visibly made up of electronic pixels in some places, using a very cheap-looking colour program)
Nick: (looking worriedly into the sea) Is it just me, or are things starting to look a little more like my video game and a little less like the real world?
Wayne: Hmm...very observant, Nick. It does appear that way.
Diane: Great. What does that mean?
Wayne: Well, looking at it in retrospect, I suppose the most logical assumption would be that the sub-virtual part of this makeshift universe is...errm...subsidising the quasi-reality part, which would, presumably, result in the eventual overpowering of the virtual world over the real one.
Diane: In **english** please!
Nick: Game and Reality trying to kill each other, Game is Winning, Reality go Bye-Bye, World turns into a giant video game with nobody 3-dimensional enough to save it.
Diane: Oh.
Wayne: I suggest we start moving a little more quickly.
(At that moment, the ship seems to collapse, leaving Team Szalinski inside a large black box with electric blue circuitry lines running along the walls, ceiling, and floor)
Wayne: Never mind.
(A loud electronic bleeping sound is heard, starting off very quietly and growing in volume until it is a piercing squeal. Wayne looks around, clearly fascinated, Diane covers her ears, and Nick looks miserably around at the world he has created)
Diane: Nick, remind me to put some major volume restrictions on your next gaming project.
Nick: I don't think there's any danger of that, Mom...
(After a few agonising seconds of bleeping, a dark figure descends from the ceiling, almost completely hidden by the blackness of the background. Nick is the first to notice it, and he cries out in surprise, pointing at the mysterious figure)
Wayne: (noticing it) What in the name of Albert Einstein is that?
(Without warning, the shrouded figure throws off its dark cloak and reveals its true nature)
Diane: (relieved) Amy!
Wayne: (surprised) Amy?
Nick: (disappointed) Amy.
(Indeed, it is Amy. She steps towards Team Szalinski, looking decidedly evil. She is dressed in a similar outfit to the other ninjas that they had fought, with lots of brightly coloured japanese letters woven into the cloth. Her face is filled with hatred as she glares viciously at Nick)
Amy: So, Wonder-Nick, you think you can fool me by pretending not to recognise my true evil. I do not know who you think you are to venture so boldly into my domain, but I feel I should warn you that this will be your last ever mission, you sickening do-gooder.
Nick: Huh? **You're** the final boss? But that can't be right...we're supposed to have another fourteen more levels to go through before meeting you.
Diane: Fourteen more levels?
Wayne: It's okay, Nickles. The reality-flux is obviously causing disruptions in your program, and things are switching around a bit...it's nothing to worry about.
Diane: **Fourteen** more levels?
Nick: This is it? What a total anti-climax! I wanted explosions and enormous hoardes of killer ninja warriors waiting to be vanquished. There's no way this game will be featured on the "Top Ten Most Creative and Generally Wonderful Video Games Designed by Under-Fifteens in the New Millenium"! I can't believe this...it's so unfair!
Diane: **Fourteen more levels**?!?
Wayne: Not any more, hon. The instability between worlds that the game's system was using to try and disrupt our reality's composition seems to have backfired on it. It's merged the two worlds together into this final show-down with this Final Boss, who just coincidentally happens to be the final member of Team Szalinski.
Nick: So, even without the explosions and enormous hoardes of killer ninja warriors, this is like a battle to the death, with the sake of our entire reality on the line?
Wayne: That's about the size of it...
Nick: Cool!
Diane: So...how many more levels now?
Wayne: That depends on who wins this battle. If we win, then the world should theoretically be returned to its normal state, as this "Final Boss" is the personification of the computer world's attempt to subside the real world. If we defeat it, the threat will be neutralised, and we should go back to our vacation. If, however, Amy--or whoever Amy's character is--defeats us, then there will be nothing left to stop the virtual world from overpowering our own...which of course means that, if we are still alive, we will spend the rest of our existences wandering hopelessly around a world made up entirely of circuits and pixels.
Nick: Loosely translated...Eat hot plasma, Evil Sister! (shoots Amy with his laser, engulfing her with yellow sparks and flames, but actually doing no real damage)
Amy: (rolling her eyes) Is that your best shot?
Nick: (keeps on blasting in spite of the lack of effect) Errm...actually, yeah.
Diane: (panicking) Why isn't it working? It worked on all the others!
Wayne: Don't panic, hon. You've got to remember, this is the final boss. Obviously it will have been programmed to be a little more difficult to overcome than the others. But I'm sure that if we just keep on blasting, the evil villain will be defeated and we'll have our reality back...and our Amy, of course... (adopts the annoyingly heroic tone that shows he is as much becoming part of the game as his son) So you just sit back and relax and let the heroes deal with this. (kisses her on the cheek with a patronisingly affectionate smile)
Diane: (pushing him away with disgust) You chauvinist little-- (stops herself) How dare you insinuate that I can't take care of myself in a life-and-death situation! (raises her plasma gun, all the while glaring furiously at Wayne) You...you...**man**!
(Insulted, she fires the gun at Amy, yelling over-enthustiastically. Her bright red shot mingles with Nick's yellow one, forming a multi-coloured forcefield to surround Amy. After a couple of seconds, the figure splits in half, as did all of the others, leaving a stunned and confused Amy standing two feet away from a snarling killer vampire)
Diane: (scowling at Wayne) I think you need a reality-check, Mr. "Hero"!
Nick: (grinning as he proceeds to blast the vampire) Yeah, Dad. It's only a video game, after all. There's no need to get all macho about it...
Diane: I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, "Wonder-Nick".
Nick: Point taken.
(After a couple of seconds exposed to Nick's plasma gun, the vampire dissolves in a rather cheesey-looking puff of smoke, and the virtual-reality black box dissolves back into the deck of the cruise ship. Team Szalinski, with the exception of a still-baffled Amy, take a look around, see that their efforts were successful, and release a loud celebratory cheer)
Amy: I **know** I'm going to regret asking this...but what the heck is going on?
SCENE FIVE
(Amy and Nick's room on the cruise ship. They are packing, evidently in preparation to return home after their holiday. The atmosphere is relaxed and friendly)
Nick: Some vacation, huh?
Amy: Yeah...a real Szalinski experience...
Nick: I still can't believe that we managed to pull off this room-sharing arrangement without you killing me...or even complaining at my compulsive tidiness.
Amy: Yeah, well, I figured that seeing as how I tried to put an end to reality as we know it, the least I could do by way of apology would be to **try** and get along with you. And I guess that you're not **too** bad...as far as nerdy little brothers go...
Nick: Thanks...I think.
Amy: And as soon as I go off to college, you'll be out of my hair anway.
Nick: Oh yeah. Freedom, here I come!
Amy: Chill out, Wonder-Nick. I'm not going anywhere yet...
Nick: Two and a half months, and counting. (grins, then thinks for a second) But it was a pretty cool vacation, wasn't it...y'know, once we had the reality-flux thing sorted out.
Amy: Yeah, I guess it was. But don't you dare tell Dad I said that.
Nick: Your secret's safe with me.
Amy: Thanks, bro'. I can't get over how much independence they gave us. I don't think I saw either of them any more than three times in the entire two weeks! It was like they actually trusted us to get along without hospitalising each other.
Nick: Actually, they didn't have a choice. Mom refused to let Dad make any more of his home-made seasickness formula, and she spent the whole vacation in the bathroom. (is struck by an idea and turns to grin evilly at Amy) You didn't have this whole thing planned did you? Just so you could get a couple of weeks of freedom?
Amy: (innocently) Who, me?
Nick: (attempting hopelessly to lift his over-packed suitase) Well, anyway, I think this should be enough to prove to them that we are mature enough not to need their constant supervision. I mean, if we can get along with each other for two whole weeks, we can do anything. Today a two-week vacation, tomorrow, the world! (laughs maniacally)
Amy: You really are a freak, you know that?
(Fade out as they exit the room)
(END CREDITS)