So you want to hear another story? One of treachery, deceit, and fraud? Then let me tell you of the time that the vault hunters…. Broke into my house like dirty thieves!
It all began on Mercenary Day Eve, only a year after the giant snowman attacked the town of Gingerton. All was not well with the company in Sanctuary. Scooter had just been in an accident in one of his own cars and Zed was fixing him up while Moxxi and Ellie stayed by his side. Lilith and the other original vault hunters were busy planning for something they refused to tell me about, and Hammerlock had left town unexpectedly upon the sight of his sister Aurelia. The only hint of cheerfulness that could be found in that flying city was the holiday party hosted by the explosive duo, Mister Torgue and Tiny Tina.
"Alright alright alright everybody listen up!" yells Tiny Tina into the microphone in her usual playful yet devious voice as she stands on top of the bar. Mister Torgue stands behind her holding the amp that propels her voice throughout Moxxxi's. "It is time for the glorious event that is the opening of the PRESENTS!" The restaurant starts to slowly quiet down when people hear that word and everyone looks over to the area in which Sir Hammerlock usually stands to see a large pile of decoratively wrapped presents. Axton and Salvador turn around from what they called their 'competitive' gambling at the slot machines, Zer0 takes a break from getting bull's-eye knife throws, Maya and Gaige stop their conversation about magic robots, and Krieg starts swinging back and forth from the hanging lights.
Tina hands the mic to Torgue before he screams into it, "THE ORDER IN WHICH YOU ALL WILL OPEN YOUR GIFTS WILL BE DETERMINED BY A COMPETITION!" Tina runs out and drags in a long cart with six midgets tied to it and lined up with their arms and legs spread in an "X" shape. "WHOEVER CAN KILL THEIR MIDGET THE FASTEST WITHOUT KILLING ANY OTHERS WILL BE FIRST, BONUS POINTS FOR EXPLOSIONS!" Before anyone else can say another word, the midget on the far left is decapitated and his head falls to the floor.
Zer0 suddenly reappears in front of the dead midget as he sheathes his sword and says, "Mission accomplished, the midget has been silenced, competition won." Even Torgue is speechless as Zer0 goes to grab his gifts and sits down across from Maya and Gaige. As Maya carefully aims her left hand at the next midget, Axton zooms down his sights and puts a quick burst of three bullets into its skull and kills it instantly. Maya shoots Axton an evil glare before he winks back and sarcastically salutes her.
As Salvador follows Axton and fills his midget with tiny holes from his Vladof SMG, Gaige urgently summons Deathtrap and commands him, "DT! Kill that one!" Her faithful robotic companion immediately focuses a fiery laser from its head and burns a giant hole though the torso of the otherwise unharmed midget.
Again Maya attempts to focus her hand in order to only harm one midget, but her thoughts are interrupted by the psychotic screaming above her. "Monkey metals devour the meaty floorboards!" shrieks Krieg as he leaps off the lamp at the top of his swing and brings his axe right down onto the head of the next midget. After he jumps down and takes the time to enjoy the splatter of blood on his face, he glances at the infuriated Maya and realizes he has pissed her off. Maya rolls her eyes at him and phaselocks the last midget without focusing, as she is already last and can't kill two by accident. As the squealing pipsqueak burns to a crisp from Maya's Helios skill, Krieg throws a stick of dynamite straight into her orb.
The resulting explosion wakes Torgue from his speechlessness and he says, "THAT! WAS! AMAZING! THE CROWD DIDN'T EVEN BLINK BEFORE EVERYONE WAS DEAD!" Torgue hands the mic back to Tina as she climbs back onto the bar. "And the champion of the Midget Quick Draw is ZER0!" she announces in the best posh voice she can muster, "Is there anyone this faster-than- light assassin would like to thank?" Tina jumps down and skips over to Zer0 to point the mic at his helmet, which he simply responds to with a prompt, "No." Without hesitating Tina yells, "Yaaaay! And then in second place we have our one and only AXTOOOOOON!" She again skips over to her interviewee and asks, "How did it feel to steal my big sis's kill you sly commando?" in a passive aggressive tone that Axton was not expecting.
"Hey it was a competition, what else would I have done?" he says, trying not to admit that he wanted to open his presents sooner.
Tina closes her eyes and raises her chin as she utters a loud, "Hmmph!" before striding over to Maya. "And in third place with her double explosive finish is the marvelous MAYAAAA! What do you have to say about your glorious comeback from last to third place?" she asks with a huge grin on her face.
"Uhhh… I guess I would have thank Krieg for that dynamite" Maya answers, not knowing what else to say.
Tina takes in a breath but before she can speak Krieg screams, "My honey hands are ALWAYS sticky!" as he jumps onto one of the tables.
Tina skips over to the gunzerker and yells, "And in fourth place is SALVADOR with his midget turned to Swiss cheese, any comments?" as she points the mic at his mouth.
"Hahaha, it was fun!" he says back as he holds one of the guns in the air.
Tina runs over to the pouting Gaige and yells, "What's wrong girl you know you got fifth place?!"
"Fifth place SUCKS! How did Maya get so far ahead of us?" she asks with her arms crossed and head down.
Torgue interrupts with a voice so loud he doesn't need a microphone, "LASERS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF EXPLOSIONS!" Tina offers the mic to Gaige once more but she turns her head in refusal before Maya pats her on the back. Tiny Tina quickly turns around and throws the mic at Krieg to hear his thoughts. When he catches it, however, he immediately smashes it against the wall. After a moment of silence for the fallen mic, Mister Torgue announces, "WELL LET'S START OPENING THE F***ING PRESENTS ALREADY!"