Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars….but I do love it!

Author's Note: Did you guys read Killer? Amazing wasn't it? This is a short Emily oneshot/drabble thingie about her feelings for Alison back when she still believed Alison was dead. Enjoy. Soon, if you like this, I'm going to write another fic, possibly about the relationship between Ali and her brother, Jason, who I believe abused her. But again, just my theory. Enjoy.

Pairing: Emily/Alison (one sided)

As Long as She Needed Me

I was in too deep and I knew it. There was no turning back now. The funny thing was, though, I didn't want to turn back. I didn't want to stop loving Ali, I didn't want to lose that excited tingle I got whenever I was near her. I'll admit it, Ali wasn't always the kindest person and there were times when she was downright horrid, but, I loved her just the same. My parents had told me all of my life that it was wrong to have feelings for someone else of the same sex. They told me it was a sin and that anyone who had those types of feelings went to Hell. I had never had any reason to doubt my parents and so I assumed they were telling the truth. When I was very young, their words never bothered me. I had no idea at that time that I was destined to fall in love with Alison DiLaurentis, the girl who managed to captivate nearly everyone she met.

When I first met Ali, I was trying to take something from her: her piece of the Time Capsule flag. Back in sixth grade, Time Capsule seemed like such a big deal. If you found a piece of the flag, you were a legend. I couldn't help it, even I wanted to be a legend. What could be more exciting than that? Well, I can tell what would be more exciting. I didn't know then, but I certainly know now. Being with Alison, being the object of Ali's affections would be much more wonderful than being a legend. I'd be a complete nobody if it meant that Ali could come back and that she would love me the way I always loved her. But of course, that's wishful thinking. They found Ali or what was left of her, buried in her own backyard. Someone shoved Alison, my beautiful, lovely Alison, into that hole after they murdered her. For a while, I sure that someone was Ian Thomas, her ex boyfriend . Now, I don't know what to think. All I know is that somebody killed her, someone stole from me and everyone else who loved her and someday…someday they'll pay for it.

Since Ali's disappearance, I have fallen for two other people. One a girl, Maya St. Germain, and the other was a boy called Issac Colburt. I don't deny that I loved them both, especially Issac, but even when I was with them, there was a part of me that still belonged to Ali in a way it couldn't belong to either of them. I would have done anything for Ali. I did horrible things for her. Things I never would have done if someone other than Ali had asked me to do them. I was part of the….the Jenna Thing. Before Ali, I had never even imagined participating in something as heinous as what we did to Jenna. Even if Ali was trying to save Jenna from her "sibling problems", that she had had with her step brother, Toby, she still blinded her. I know Jenna was working with Ali and that they had had the whole night planned out all along, but sometimes, I wish Ali had told Spencer, Aria, Hanna, and me the truth. We wouldn't have told. We wouldn't have spilled their secret. I never would have told one Ali's secrets, although she was always threatening to tell mine. I wouldn't ever hurt her and I think, no, I know, that she knew that. She knew how much I loved her.

Once, in Ali's tree house, I kissed her. It was purely on impulse, I didn't even think about what I was doing. Of course, Ali mocked me afterward and made me feel wretched and ashamed, angry with myself for acting on my feelings. From that day forward, Ali held my feelings for her over my head, always threatening to tell someone else that I was in love with her. Ali's love of torturing Spencer, Aria, Hanna, and me with our darkest secrets was starting to drive them crazy. Spencer was starting to hate Ali, I could feel the tension building between the two of them with each passing day and I hated it. More than anything, I wanted to go back to the way things had been in sixth grade, when we had all loved being with one another, each of us just happy to be Ali's friends.

Alison knew so many of our secrets and now, after her death, we are finally discovering some of hers. Despite what Aria seems to think, I believe that Ali's brother, Jason, abused her, not unlike the way Toby abused Jenna. In the past few days, I have seen Jason twice and both times, he has been furious. Tonight, I discovered that he often went to a mental help center when he was a bit younger. I only wish Ali had told me her troubles. She obviously didn't trust me that much, I loved her, but I scarcely knew anything about her. I didn't know about Jason or Ian or that she and Jenna planned the Jenna Thing. I would have been there for Ali, had she never wanted to talk about any of those things. I would have taken care of her when she cried. I would have tried my best to keep her happy. If I were to be honest, I would have to confess that my love for Ali was stronger than any other love I haven't experienced in my life. I would have given up anything for her. Now, she'll never need my help. She'll never need anyone. She's gone…she's dead, but never does a day pass when I don't think about her. All right, all right, I'll admit it, I still love her, maybe a little. I think that's normal though. Doesn't everyone love their first love for the rest of their lives, at least a tiny bit? Nothing is as exciting as first love, even when it's unrequited. Alison meant the world to me, but sometimes I wonder what I really meant to her. I mean, she didn't even trust me enough to share her true thoughts and fears with me. There was no way she loved me, not even a little. Ali probably didn't even like me that much. I was just useful because I was so eager to please her. She used my affection for her to her advantage.

Aria recently accused me of putting Ali on a pedestal. The thing is, I don't really. I recognize her for what she was, a popular girl with a lot of dark secrets. And yes, sometimes, she was just cruel. However, I refuse to believe that Alison was ever cruel at heart. I'll admit, she wasn't the angel I thought her to be when I was in middle school, but I like to think that she is one now. I have no doubt that Ali is with God where she deserves to be. I think she suffered a lot, she just never bother to tell us about her sufferings, she didn't want to seem weak.

I miss Ali more and more every day, but I am learning to cope with the fact that she isn't coming back. I don't really have a choice. Just because I'm trying to move on doesn't mean I care any less about her though. I was always there by her side. Her company made me exquisitely happy. I just wish Ali had told me something, at least one little something about the hardships in her life. I would have listened to her every word. I would have been there for her as long as she needed me.