Prologue chapter

I always wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. But I can't, everything I did was monitored by my clan mates. It's a drug that doesn't go away forever.

They said they forgave me, they said they loved me, they said I was loyal. But why? So they could talk behind my back while I was asleep? If they thought I didn't know, I knew. Everything was all the she-cats fault inside the warriors den.

Every. Single. Goddamn. Thing. Was her fault. I'm not lying, everything was her fault. Leafpool was her name. The kit of the great Firestar turned out to nothing more but a lying good for nothing bitch that didn't deserve to live. And that kitty-pet leader assigned me to her as an apprentice! If I could get my claws on that "Fire of the clans" his throat would be ripped out in seconds.

So many thoughts, so many emotions I figured out why my life was like this. It was all because of them, it was all because of Starclan and their stupid prophecy! We're cats, were nothing more but animals. We shouldn't have prophecy's that depend on us to save the forests and lives, we should just be mindless brutes begging for blood.

Looking at that, did Starclan even have any power? No, they didn't. If they did, why weren't the Twolegs gone yet? Why was I still suffering? Why could I still see? My life is screwed, all because of Starclan playing with us like mice. Nothing ever worked for me, nothing. And it was all their fault! The way they flaunt their prophecy's sickens me.

I was the cat that lost everything. I was the cat that's life is messed up. I'm the brother that's siblings were put in a rival clan for purposes only the leaders knew. I am the cat that will do anything to make the forest go down and suffer like I did. Starting with Thunderclan and it's cats. Then Starclan.

Why you ask will I do all this? It's because I'm a reject, because I'm the last regret to my parents. Who? My mother... Hollyleaf and my father... Breezepelt. Halfsiblings that didn't know they were siblings. Family who died loving each other. Me and my siblings were their only regret. And then you know what Starclan did? They punished us. They punished me and my brother and sister for the act my parents had fulfilled. Why did they punish us? It was their fault for keeping the secret for too long, it was their fault that everything turned out this way. It. Was. All. Their. Fault!

So why not? I turn my back on Starclan like an insignificant leaf shunned from the tree, I will find the place I belong. And that place is the Place of No Stars.

The feel of blood raking my claws as I gore on them all will be a feeling no-one will comprehend. After all, I'm special. I mean, what kind of cat can see the souls of the dead anyway?

I 'm scared here in Windclan.

It's just so scary. Glares, whispers, disgust. So many emotions that wisp though everyone's pelt just scares me to a point of suffocation. I wish my mother was back, I wish my sister was here and most of all, I wish my Thunderclan brother was back here. I'm just so scared of everything.

I was a coward that trained as a medicinecat apprentice. Pathetic right? I know. I can't compare to my brother who is strong as our father was or my sister who was as loyal as my mother. I cannot do anything more but talk to myself for comfort.

I am such a pathetic worthless cat that deserves to die. I have tried, many, many times and prayed to the stars for guidance but they never answer to my pleas. So, like my brother, why not? Why not travel the path of a dark warrior like Ghostpaw? I try to, but I cannot just turn my back on my loyalty... to somebody up there in Silverpelt. I just cant.

So brother Ghostpaw dear, I'm sorry that I'm not as brave as you are. I will not believe in either ancestors except myself. I am me and always will be no matter what because I am Sinpaw. A bearer of the sins and regrets our parent were forsaken with. There is a reason we are named what we are, you are Ghostpaw because you are the ghosts of both our parents, I am Sinpaw because I am the sins of our heritage and sister dear... she is Miragepaw for all the emotions and secrets that appear and disappear like mirages.

So you see everyone, I just hide behind everyone and everything for my own gains. Kestralflight, my mentor, grudgingly mentoring me and I am thankful for that while Nightcloud cares for me like the son that died. I cannot look her in the eye with my sins. I. Am. Worthless.

So I beg of you Starclan, forgive me but I cannot be faithful anymore, for what can I be with the punishments you bestowed upon me, I can see like my brother, I can see the evil and good inside a cat and I must say, evil reeks off of my brother and me. My sister... she doesn't have anything in her, my dear sister... she is dead in the clans eyes.

I can't comprehend what is happening. Shadowclan is my home, but it still feels like Thunderclan for some reason I am too tired to admit.

Tawnypelt urges for me to hang on the strips of humanity by bringing me too places. Like the river that freezes in winter. It was such a beautiful sight... until it melted. I shouldn't be expecting much of anything these days. I live like a mirage, appearing and dispersing when I feel like it. Just like a mirage. So now I live in an existence that is equal to a loner, meybe even a rogue. Why would anyone even want me for an apprentice. I am dead in everyone's eyes except for a few.

I try to be like my brothers. Strong and swift, Thunderclan and Windclan is what I envy the most but I can't. Here in Shadowclan, the cold winds chill my icy heart forever. How long has it been since the feeling of an emotion has struck me? I can't remember. It's all like a blur where everything doesn't matter anymore. I see nithing, I hear nothing and overall I feel nothing. My life is content and small, but if it's like this, I don't have to feel anything anymore. So what is more happier than that?

Many things you say? I can't seem to find a reason that makes your simple statement... true. The joys of love? Look where that got me, my siblings and parents. Excitement? Why would I want that? It has no merit.

As I was saying, I am perfectly happy with my clan and name. Ghostpaw is the brother I idolize but cannot be, Sinpaw is the one I am loyal to, so why do I need to be proud of myself? I am a warrior, apprentice of the leader who views me with pitiful glances. I am an insignificant twig than anyone can break and snap and I won't mind, maybe I can be thankful to them for ending my life. Starclan is where cat's like Tawnypelt go, I won't go there, maybe the sky's of nothing will be my home in the afterlife... or not.

But now I am tired, so tired. So let me explain to you in the my lifeless voice; I am nothing more but a mirage in actuality. I can fade in and out of reality to a point where Blackstar became my mentor. I must be happy and proud right? But I can't feel nothing anymore. After all, I am dead in everyone's eyes. And I am content... so then,why do I feel so unhappy?

Finally finished! Also, should I do a allegiance?

Also, thank you to Blazing Fox for letting me do this story. I suggest you check her story's, especially Smothering Smoke. Peace out all! :)