AN: Here I am with another oneshot. This one is for Emily because we are awesome bitches who contribute to 'one part of otp is a white haired guy who is DEAD'. Cheers to us ~
Pairing : Kaworu Nagisa/Shinji Ikari
BG music : IA – Transparent answer
AU: He is the boy you love and you still haven't told him anything yet.
Your name is Kaworu Nagisa and you're a hopeless fool.
You're nineteen years old and you're about to go to college after finally saying goodbye to high school once and for all. You didn't really dislike it, studying was always fun for you, but you most definitely won't miss it. The only thing that you vaguely regret is that you're leaving your friends behind. You are pretty sure you will never meet ever again after your paths part once and for all. You also regret leaving a lone piano in the music class. You will miss its smooth black surface, the cold ivory keys that you pressed with utmost care and professionalism and the dusty air of the spacious classroom. You will miss the pink petals that flew inside every April, the rustling of crisp white curtains.
You will miss a warm presence by your side, the laughter and the sadness, a rich range of emotions in between.
You wish you didn't graduate. If you did not, then this wouldn't have happened. All you want is for that presence to be by your side, warm and so alive, you want it to keep you company. You want that person here, you want to hold his hand and you want to share laughter just like you did for the last nine years ever since he crashed into your life and caught you by surprise.
Your name is Kaworu Nagisa and you are hopelessly in love with your best friend.
Your best friend is Shinji Ikari and in a few days a plane will take him away, across the ocean, far far away where you cannot reach.
You can no longer talk to him in the middle of the night whenever you please, you can't secretly sneak into his room to pass the time. You can no longer steal him away from the confines of his blankets to watch the stars together, just the two of you in a world you so carefully crafted. It will no longer take you just an open window to get to talk to him. Shinji will be halfway across the world and you won't see him. Your time difference is at least half a day in between so your time together is cut even shorter, even more strained.
You just want to be with him, but the universe isn't so kind hearted. The entire world is against you two.
And Shinji doesn't really mind that much while you're tearing yourself apart on the inside, but you try not to show it. He's already feeling guilty; he never wanted to leave in the first place. Dad wants him to reach out for something, be someone, become someone great in this life and what a father wants father gets. He's giving Shinji the ladder to success and his son must climb it whether he's scared of the heights or not, whether he's afraid of slipping and eventually falling.
When your best friend finds out, later that night he is the one to knock on your window. You quickly open it. It's not like you were going to get any sleep that night, all of your thoughts – a jumbled tornado swirling inside with only one sentence 'Shinji is leaving'. He clings to you before you can say anything and you put on a convincing smile, stroke his back and whisper that it is okay and it is going to be fine. You don't like lying to Shinji, you're best friends after all, but he's more broken than you are and it was always your job to make Shinji happy. Sometimes you think that making him smile and laugh is your mission in this life. Whenever the smaller boy laughed it was like spring had come to your frozen being, a feeling you later dubbed as love, your first love and your last.
After he calms down and stops shivering against you, he starts panicking. He's not good with languages, English was a difficult subject in school and he is to use it all the time, it was impossible, absolutely impossible. You reply that it doesn't require much effort and that it is easy to learn. He is not convinced. You patiently listen to a long list of things that are 'not okay' a thousand and a half words spilling from your best friend's mouth and you try to reassure him that it is nothing to worry about.
In all honesty, you feel so desperate that you're almost crying. The other boy eyes you warily like he can feel the distress that you so carefully try to hide beneath a hundred locks inside your heart. He touches your hand hesitantly and asks you if you're feeling well. The touch burns you and the hitch in your nose almost makes warm liquid spill from your vermillion eyes, so you tell him that you're feeling very tired and that you hadn't slept well for a few days. Shinji is reluctant to go, but gives up after a few more minutes of convincing.
You lay on your bed, eyes stuck on the ceiling and listen to the sounds of night life. The huge oak that connects your and Ikari household - or more accurately your and Shinji's rooms serving as a path for your nightly secret escapades - rustles mysteriously and you replay your friend's words inside your head.
He's truly leaving you behind and he doesn't want that. He hates the mere thought of being parted away from you with the same intensity that you do.
You know that the things the two of you feel are different and you feel sick in your stomach like you swallowed something dry without chewing it well. It rests heavily inside of you, weights you down and you realize that you still haven't told Shinji anything yet.
It is a secret that you've been keeping ever since you turned twelve and nobody ever found out. It was okay really. As long as you could be with Shinji there was no need for the boy to know about your real feelings. You didn't mind. It stung a little when the brown haired boy started chasing after a red haired girl named Asuka, but you tried your best to be supportive and it didn't work out in the end.
And now there was barely any time left to say anything. And you… you are a coward and there is no way in heaven or hell that you will ever tell a boy, who is your best friend since you were ten, that you're so deeply in love with him, that you can no longer imagine your life without him beside you and you don't really want to visualize it. You curl into yourself in a fetal position and look at the photo of the two of you together perched on your small nightstand where you can always see it. The two of you were sixteen when it was taken. You are smiling widely at the camera and Shinji's face is frozen in the frame mid laugh. It looks beautiful on him. It looks even better when you can see it, hear it, share it with him.
There are albums upon albums of pictures with Shinji in them. It is a passion that you had discovered a long time ago. Your mother is a famous photographer so she is never home. When you turned eight, you wanted her to bring you a camera. You still remember it oh-so-clearly like it happened just a few minutes ago, the way the silver surface felt beneath your fingertips, cool and slick. It was an amazing birthday party that you barely attended because you were out taking pictures of everything.
It served you faithfully for a few years before it inevitably broke and there was simply no way to fix it. You're pretty sure you still have it somewhere in your attic kept safe and sound. Sometimes you check on it, because you couldn't bear to throw it away and it brings you warm memories.
Now you have a professional camera and the weight of it feels amazing against your palm, just like the feeling of a violin pressed against your shoulder. Unlike the violin you always drag the camera around and take pictures. Hundreds of them.
Most of them only have your best friend in them. You feel a bit like those creepy stalkers that you hear about in the media, but Shinji is willing to smile for the camera so you cherish every single shot. Shinji doesn't waste smiles on anyone who isn't too close to him and it makes you incredibly happy that you had caught so many precious moments on the film.
You go through the albums and look at the boy with a cheerful smile plastered on your face and a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart when you absentmindedly trace the contours of that familiar and dear face. That smile is stuck in time, some of the photos already faded, and it brings you a bittersweet kind of feeling when you remember that this is all that you're going to get from now on.
The two of you are to inevitably part ways and there isn't much that you can do.
Your father, whom you never really cared for nor does he care for you, ridiculed you for picking out photography and said that it is one of the most idiotic goals in life and said that following in your mother's footsteps is crazy. He tells you to let go of this obsession with the neighbors' kid.
You don't talk anymore.
Normally, you don't really get mad. You're a pretty docile person and try to take things easy, because there were many different people out there and understanding them all was impossible, but those words were like a well aimed knife stabbed into a tender spot inside your heart then cruelly twisted.
Shinji was your inspiration and he always will be no matter what.
You spend the last few days with Shinji like they are the last ones in your life. You live, breathe and laugh to the fullest and even the boy looks like he forgets about his inevitable flight to Arizona.
Two days before the flight your friends hold a farewell party. You spend the day in the ever desolate Ikari household helping Shinji to pack.
The mood is far from heavy, but you can still see those blue eyes clouded with sadness when Touji talks about his plans for the future and even Asuka's 'goodbye ass whooping' doesn't help much. Your camera is overflowing by the time the night falls and everyone leaves, only the two of you standing in the stark room. It is a bit weird without the boy's things strewn here and there.
Shinji looks around, eyes unbearably sad, sighs heavily and sits on his bed. Your smile drops and you sit next to him. You can feel the warmth from Shinji's hand that rests just a few millimeters away from yours. It is almost burning you and your face flushes when you think about how nice it would be to lace your fingers together.
Shinji says something, you look up and there is an awkward moment of silence when you see his flushed face and you absentmindedly lean in closer, until you can almost feel the tremble of his eyelashes, but the moment is ruined when he stands up abruptly and says that he's going outside to look at the stars and that you're free to join him. He sounds flustered, a bit winded, but that is probably your imagination so you chase those thoughts away and climb on the roof after him.
It is a beautiful night, cloudless and calm. The air is cool, so Shinji disappears and then comes back with a baby blue blanket. You wordlessly take it from his cold hands and wait for him to sit down next to you, his knees up to his chest, and you swing the blanket around you two and hug him for warmth. His breath is warm against your left cheek and eventually it evens out. It is peaceful and you nuzzle his face with the tip of your nose and bring him closer.
You would love to kiss him, but you cannot cross those bounds because you respect him and he's asleep. Being asleep did not equal consent.
He wakes up after some time, rubs the lingering tiredness out of his eyes and yawns. Before you leave, you make sure that you tuck the blanket securely around him, brush the stray hair away from his eyes and only then return back home.
You're pretty sure that you won't get any sleep until the last moment with him here.
The next day there's just the two of you. You go see a movie, go to your favorite coffee shop and talk about everything that comes to your mind, not really mentioning the fact that in less than eight hours Shinji will have to go. The mass of people is even bigger than usual, it is a beautiful day. You sit in the coffee shop until the sky turns deep orange and the clouds burn red.
You decide that it is best that you return home before the night falls so that Shinji can get some rest. Neither of you hurry, your paces are snail-like.
The sea looks amazing that night as you pass the docks and you stop by at an old bridge. Shinji jumps on the rail and sways slightly so you grab his hand for some support. You hold his left hand in yours, slightly damp from the heat and his other is extended to keep his balance. He says something, smiles warmly and you insist that the two of you stop and he is more than willing.
You watch the tides roll and crash, a rich palette of golden colors and Shinji looks enchanted. You're glad he is not paying attention to anything besides the endless water before him, because you're staring at him with amazement and you swear that you have never seen anything so beautiful, so breath-taking in your entire life.
His brown hair sways in the breeze and you whip out your camera and snap a picture of him. Shinji is flustered, a bit shy, but then you convince him that it is okay and tell him that the lighting is good and the view is really amazing. He relents and lets you snap a few more before he takes the device from your hands and pulls you in close. You're choking on nothing at the sudden movement, but then Shinji raises your camera above your heads and tells you to smile, while he fiddles with the buttons until a small mechanic snap can be heard.
You both press your heads together and look at the small screen. It is a simple photo, but something about it makes your cheeks even darker than they are in the shot and you realize that this photo is probably going to end up as your favorite.
The sky is quickly darkening and you two reluctantly go home. Shinji tells you that he will come to say goodbye in the middle of the night and that you should leave your window open. Without much thought you agree. He says something meaningless and this is the part where the two of you should leave, but it is like you're stuck, like your feet grew roots and you're planted firmly in the ground. Shinji's face flushes, the wind rustles in the leaves above you and Shinji fidgets with the hem of his shirt. He takes a few deep breaths in.
"Kaworu-kun, I- " he begins, but you suddenly panic and say something incredibly lame and stupid that ruins the whole mood. Shinji looks a bit upset and you promise to see him one last time that night. You quickly cross the yard and lunge inside, slamming the door behind you.
You do not dare to look outside through a small window to see if Shinji is still standing there, still giving you that look and your knees shake, your breath is raspy and you have to press your palm against your head to will the sudden nausea away.
He's the boy you love more than anything in this world, he is leaving tonight and you still haven't told him anything yet.
Your hands shake uncontrollably and you are not sure what's gotten into you because this is the first time you've ever felt like this, so scared and alone. It is like an overwhelming panic flooding through your veins, a panic that Shinji is leaving. You try to console yourself; there are always video calls, phones, text messages. It does not matter how much you will have to pay for your phone bill, no time differences can rip you apart, but it doesn't stop, the stab in your chest intensifies. The sheer fear that you will be parted from Shinji for more than a month, a thing that has never happened, makes you feel like clawing at the walls. You barely restrain yourself from rushing to the boy's place, but bite the urge down.
You need to give him space to settle his own thoughts, because this is not about you, it is about him and he's just as reluctant as you are unwilling.
With shaking legs you climb upstairs, take of your shoes, fall face forward onto your bed and drift into a deep dreamless sleep.
You wake up to the rays of light filtering through the thin see-through blinds. At first you're not sure what is happening, all you know is that you've never slept so well in your whole life and you're pretty sure that you could sleep some more. The strain in your back hadn't gone away and for some reason you feel emotionally drained.
The reality kicks in and you jump away from your bed as if it bit you. Your eyes are wide and frantic and you search for your phone. You flip it open and at the very corner blinks 12:11 pm. You stare at the white numbers not really comprehending just what the hell happened, when you realize what is happening and it is enough to make you throw your phone across the room. You're shaking all over and you feel so stupid, so damn foolish, when you realize just how bad you fucked up. You swing the –locked- window open and stare at the empty darkness of Shinji's room across from yours and your arms helplessly fall to your sides.
Shinji has left and you're the worst idiot out there, because you forgot to leave your damn window open.
You fucked up in a way that you never had before and it pains you so bad that you have to lean against the sill for some support. You stare at the white beneath your fingers and look at the small drops of liquid on it. It takes you a few minutes to realize that you're crying. It comes as a shock because you always try to keep your negative emotions in check and the knowledge that you're weeping for Shinji Ikari makes you bawl even more. You choke in deep breaths as you wipe the endless stream from you eyes and shake like one of the leaves before you.
It is not until you reach out to close the window, because it is too painful to look at the eerie darkness on the other side, when you see something stuck between one of the window frames. It almost falls when you move the window again, but you quickly catch it.
It is a piece of paper and the 'to Kaworu-kun' is obviously scribbled in Shinji's messy handwriting. You quickly take the letter out and try to ignore the smudges of ink on it; like the owner had been crying while writing this down.
'Dear, Kaworu-kun,
I tried to get inside your room, but the window was closed and I didn't really want to wake you up. You seemed rather comfortable sleeping like that so I... Well, I really hope to see you soon and I wish you the best of luck in college. I'll try to contact you as soon as I land, alright? And I'll keep the time differences in mind. See you next spring.
Shinji'
You feel the breath leave your lungs in a quiet whisper of your best friend's name when your eyes slide lower. A tiny post scriptum is there; a smudged little line that he can barely make out. You have to squint your eyes to make out the characters. A small 'I'll miss you' is scribbled in shaky handwriting and you're not sure if you should feel better or worse.
You settle for the middle. Taking the letter you make your way to the bed and take out your camera. You skim through the pictures until the very last one, the one with the two of you by the bridge, one of your favorite places ever since you were little kids and your heart aches when you look at the slightly crumpled paper in your other hand and you read that line over and over again. You will miss him too, more than anything. And you will think if him every day.
You don't talk. It is not that you don't want to; it is that Shinji is always busy. He's breaking down from the pressure his studies put on him, while you take it easy with photography. You search for new ideas, new people to take pictures of, but it is just not the same. No shots are as beautiful as the ones with Shinji in them; the lone boy looks so serene like he belongs there.
You move out to the campus when you realize that you no longer want to go home now that there was nothing waiting for you there. It is a small apartment, you live there alone and you prefer it that way. You're popular, people like you, talk to you, but you just don't feel like associating yourself with anyone, so a roommate is not necessary. You have some money on you so the price doesn't matter as long as you can enjoy your privacy it is great.
Two months had gone by and you are more settled with the idea that Shinji isn't there. It is still unpleasant, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Maybe it is because you had always known that the day would come where Shinji would either get bored of you or went away. You're glad it is the latter one.
Even though you try to focus on your studies more, it doesn't exactly succeed, because whenever you come back home with some sort of project in your arms, you dump it away and flop down on the ground to stare at the dull white ceiling. It is cracked in a few places and the paint is slowly peeling just like the ancient wallpaper on the walls, but you don't mind.
You breathe in slow and steady and lay there for hours, the dark brown floor completely covered in photos of the one you love.
It's become a habit, you no longer keep them safe in their albums, you just place them on the floor, surround yourself with them in some illusion that you can recreate Shinji's heat, his warmth and it works a little. You look at your phone and wait for Shinji's call, but it never comes. No text messages. Nothing. You think that maybe he has forgotten all about you.
You ask some of your friends from high school that you still keep in contact with if they had heard from the blue eyed boy, but all of the responses are negative. When there is a month of silence you grow desperate and even contemplate calling Shinji's father. He would know for sure what happened. Even if he did not care for Shinji, the boy was still his son. In the end you decide against it because you realize that you couldn't put your worry into words. You couldn't explain yourself.
You spend all night with your eyes peeled open and let the unfinished project that is due to the day after tomorrow rest on the floor.
You're restless for the next few days, deadlines hanging above your head and you work frantically and laugh almost bitterly when you remember that you used to enjoy studying and working on projects. The coffee no longer does any wonders to keep you awake and it is 3:12 am when your phone rings.
You don't look at the caller ID and answer it absentmindedly. Your caffeine drugged heart jumps out of your chest when you hear Shinji's quiet voice and you almost fall to the floor when you spill coffee on your jeans. You curse slightly and wipe the black mess away, glad that it wasn't hot or that would have hurt like a bitch and try to explain that it is not Shinji's fault, god no.
You do some catching up. Shinji tells you that he wasn't able to get any real friends even after a few months of being there because the work load is terrible, you can sympathize with that one, and his English is kinda shitty so it makes things a bit difficult. You feel like laughing at that yet you're not sure why.
You talk for an hour and his voice is calming in your ear, so calming that your eyes are closing and your brain is shutting down when Shinji turns quiet and you almost fall asleep when you hear him call your name. You make a soft 'hm?' somewhere in the back of your throat and roll on your side. The bed had never felt so inviting.
"Kaworu-kun, I—" you decide that you're starting to hate the beginning of this sentence, but this time you don't cut him off and let him speak, your mind slightly more lucid than it was a moment before. "I missed you so much…" he breathes in and you can tell that he's fighting back tears; you already know what expression he's wearing, because you know Shinji like the back of your hand. You hold your weight up on one elbow and your sleep goes away because you're worried.
"Yeah… I missed you too, Shinji-kun."
The boy on the other line lets out something that resembles a whimper far too much and you bite your lip because it sends a pang of guilt down your heart. "I want to go home; I want to see you… I've spent so many nights just looking at the sky and thinking th-that maybe you're on the other side and even if you do not see the stars…. You're thinking about me. I want … I want to see you." The voice cracks and the boy's voice is barely audible.
Your eyes are so wide they feel like they will pop out of your skull any minute now and your hand is trembling. There is a bittersweet ache in your heart and your pulse pounds inside your ears.
Your name is Kaworu Nagisa and you still haven't told your best friend anything yet.
You pull the device close to your ear and look at the bedside covered in photos of Shinji smiling, Shinji laughing, Shinji just being… there. You take the bigger one, the last one that you took and you think that this is how it is supposed to be. The two of you happy and not this… not this sadness and unspoken words of affection. Maybe it is the coffee working or maybe it is the fact that you hadn't seen each other in a while, but you think that you understand how the small by feels and you're finally ready.
"Sh-Shinji…" you whisper and you can almost visualize the boy tensing up on the other side of the line. You swallow the uncomfortable feeling of nervousness down and flex your fingers a little. They are going numb. "Listen to me, there is not a day, not one day, when I don't think about you. M-my bed, my floor … they serve as reminders of you. Everyday I would go back home and then I would look at my phone and wonder why you're not calling, not picking up and I wonder… why you're not here with me." You sound cheesy like you just marathoned a bunch or romcoms and developed their way of speech, but you know that Shinji is listening to you closely so you shut your eyes and continue. "Shinji-kun, ever since we were twelve, or maybe even before that… I… I've always known that you're special in my heart and I thought that maybe I was... Maybe I really was born to meet you. "You laugh silently and run a hand through your messy white hair. "What I am trying to say here is that I… Shinji-kun, I really miss you and I love you."
The small gasp gives you strength to move on. "After all this time… there's nothing more important to me. Nothing. You're like the center of my universe. Shinji-kun, those stars in the sky, they're nothing compared to you, I was always watching you."
You feel like a poet and Shinji is something amazing that cannot be described in mere words. He makes your life colorful, fills the void inside your chest, he is the reason where you are today and you truly mean it. Shinji is like the air that you need and he keeps you warm when you're cold.
There is a silence and it keeps stretching and you force a laugh to make the situation lighter. Maybe you read wrong in between the lines and Shinji wasn't… he did not feel the same. "U-Um... that's about it. I apologize if I sound weird, but I had to get this off my chest somehow and I will understand if you—"
You never get the chance to finish before he silences you effectively with a string of 'I love you too!'s. You gape at your phone as if it wasn't real and you feel so light at that moment. You think that you might as well just fly to Shinji's place like a hot air balloon.
"For a very long time now, Kaworu-kun. I love you—"
You smile and reach for the photo of the two of you, study the smiles on your faces and then brush the tip of your nose. You feel a well-known honest smile tugging at your lips, the one you always saved for your best friend. "I'm glad. You made me very happy. I'll promise that you won't regret it. It is my turn to make you happy." You whisper and listen to the steady sounds of breathing on the other line. It tells you that Shinji is smiling too.
"As long as we are together, that's all I need. It is enough."
You can't help but flush at that. You thought that this was only possible in your dreams and now it was truly happening.
Your name is Kaworu Nagisa, you're nineteen years old and you're in a long distance relationship with Shinji Ikari. You swear that this is the happiest moment in your life and that no cameras or pictures can compare to the feeling the real thing gives you.
"Yeah, I was about to say the same thing."
END.