Join The Club (uncreative title name woot)
Couples: FrUK, Spamano, PruAus, RoChu, maybe USCan

The principal sat at his desk, regarding the students with a disapproving look.

"I am very disappointed in the three of you. Most of all, you, Antonio-aru." He turned to the Spanish student. "I was informed that you were the one that started the fray. I would expect more from one of my model students..."

Antonio stuck his lip out in an adorable pout, and said indignantly, "He was hugging my Lovi! I had to do something, señor Yao!"

The principal raised an eyebrow, and brushed back his ponytail. "Of course Feliciano was hugging Lovino; they are siblings! They are allowed to show affection without it being regarded as romantic-aru!"

Gilbert yawned, and stuck a hand straight up in the air from his reclined position. "So why do you always get jealous and angry at the cafeteria lady Natalia when she hugs your secretary? Isn't he her brother?"

The Chinese man shuddered, and then said awkwardly, "It is different with... her. And, speaking of said cafeteria ladies," his tone got angry again, "is it the truth that you, Francis Bonnefoy, snuck over in the middle of the fray to the counter, using the fray as a method to "cop a feel" on an unsuspecting Katyusha-aru?"

Francis shrugged, smiling. "The heart wants what the heart wants."

Gilbert piped up, "Also, it's not hard. It's happened to me by mistake before. Just reach your hand out a little bit to grab your lunch tray and whammo-"

Yao stood up angrily, turning to the Prussian student. "And you, Gilbert Beillschmidt!" He picked up a long list of paper from the desk. "Once Antonio had started the fray by lobbing a tomato fruit at Feliciano's head, you proceeded to pick up a cafeteria tray and break it over your head whilst screeching loudly that," he paused, adjusting the list, and then said distastefully, "shit was going to go down. Following this, you ran behind the counter and launched no less than 82 portions of mashed potatoes, meatloaf, tofu, ice-cream, and sauerkraut into the air, mostly at other students' heads and vital regions. Two windows were broken, and countless school uniforms were wrecked-aru. You grabbed a pizza pie, and threw it at Alfred. You also threw full cartons of chocolate milk at Elizaveta, Roderich, Matthew, and Ludwig... your own brother. Do you have anything to say for yourself-aru?"

Gilbert sat up straight, and said, "Okay, first, you need to stop calling it a 'fray'. It was a food fight. An awesome one too. Secondly, what the fuck, man? Tomatos are fucking veggies, man. Did you skip preschool? And all right, so the whole food thing- totally not my fault. It's your own fault for serving sauerkraut. I fucking hate that shit! Everybody hates that shit! You honestly think people were gonna eat it? Also, Alfred likes pizza." He leaned back, satisfied.

Yao, now seething with rage, replied angrily, "And can you explain the milk cartons-aru?"

Gilbert smirked. "Well, Elizaveta looked great with chocolate milk dripping down her cheek onto her chest. Roderich totally deserved it. I got Matty to make Alfred mad, obviously. And Ludwig... well, why the fuck not."

Yao slammed his hands down on his desk, scaring Antonio and Francis but barely affecting Gilbert. "The three of you are the source of all my problems at this school! I've had to see you alone, Mr. Beillschmidt, fourteen times this month-aru! The three of you- consider yourselves suspended!"

The trio turned to one another, and performed a three-way high-five. "Yay, no school for a week!" said Antonio enthusiastically.

Yao considered the situation, and suddenly his face turned dark, and he said firmly, "I take that back-aru. You three, for the rest of the school year, will be required to join a school club."

"What?" they cried in unison.

"Totally unawesome!" added Gilbert.

Yao rolled his eyes, and said, "Inform me by the end of the week which club each of you is going to join-aru. Now get out of my office."

"But Mr. Wang, sir, this is unfair!" cried Antonio. "I only threw one tiny little tomato!"

Yao scrunched up his face in fury, and then said, eyes closed, "Are you going to leave on your own, or should I get Mr. Braginski to come in and escort you out-aru?"

The three blanched at the mention of the secretary's name, and hurriedly stood up and ran from the office.

The principal exhaled. "What am I going to do with them-aru?" he murmured to himself.

He heard a dark Russian voice from behind him speak. "Well, you could always murder them."

"Aah!" Yao panicked and whipped around. "Ivan! What are you doing here-aru? Go back to your desk!"

"But I like it here," said the older man bemusedly. "I have a nice view of your ass."

Yao said angrily, "Ivan! Get out!"

The secretary grumbled, and left the office depressedly.

"What club are you joining?" Antonio asked Gilbert. The trio were sitting at their usual after-school hang-out spot. Francis was lying in the grass, picking daisies,

Antonio was texting on his phone, and Gilbert was whittling a piece of wood into an eagle.

"No clue. You?"

Antonio scratched his head. "Well, Lovino's in the Drama club. I'm probably going to join that."

Gilbert nodded, and then said, "What clubs does our school have anyway?"

Francis shrugged. Antonio began to list them off on his fingers.

"Chess..."

"Nope." Gilbert replied.

"Ballet..."

"No way."

"Glee club..."

"What the hell is a glee club? No more gay suggestions, Antonio."

"Computer club..."

"Only good for porn," interrupted Francis.

"Film club..."

"What Francis said," replied Gilbert.

Francis rolled over and sat up, saying, "No, wait. That could be cool."

Gilbert scoffed. "Dude, there's three people in the club. It's like, Arthur, Matthew and Alfred. Totally unawesome."

The blonde teen insisted, "No, I think that sounds fantastique."

Antonio sang quietly, "Francis just wants to get into Arthur's pa-ants~!"

"Not true!" Francis defended himself. "I enjoy films!"

"Yeah, porno films," replied Gilbert. "Give it up, Francis. We all know you have the hots for Kirkland. We just have no clue why."

"Yeah, he's a total nerd," added the Spanish teen. "And a prude."

Francis smirked. "I can fix that, mon ami."

Gilbert rolled his eyes, and said, "As long as you don't date him or anything. We can't have the reputation of the Bad Touch Trio be any less awesome, and if one of us is dating a nerd then we all look less awesome. So fuck him senseless if you want, dude, but no romance."

Francis sighed. "Fiiine. Although I am from ze country of love... But whatever you say, mon ami."

Antonio raised a hand.

"Yeah?" said Gilbert.

"Well, as you all know, I like Lovino... does that count?"

Gilbert and Francis stuck their tongues out in unison.

"He's not a dork, dumbass, he's just a preppy kid," Francis answered, "and a stupid, loud, profane one too."

Antonio put his hands on his hips indignantly. "He is not stupid! Lovi knows 193 different Italian brands!"

Francis raised an eyebrow. "And what level algebra is he in?"

"Uhhh..." Antonio's face dropped. "Good point. But I still think he's very clever!"

Gilbert sighed, and said, "At least Romano is mildly attractive and willing to spread his legs."

Francis and Antonio both heard the note of longing in their friend's voice, and they turned to him.

"Gilbert..." France began.

"Who do you have a crush on?" finished a smiling Antonio.

Gilbert crossed his arms, and said grumpily, "Nobody."

Francis and Antonio's eyes met, and they chimed in unison, "Oooooooh! Gilbert's in looooove!"

"Who is it, mon ami? I must know!"

"We've told you, compadre, it's only fa-"

Gilbert avoided their eyes as he said with little emotion in his voice, "Nobody."

The Frenchman and the Spaniard exchanged another look, this one one of disbelief, and then Antonio sighed. "Whaaatever, amigos. You'll tell us when you're ready, right?"

Gilbert pulled in his crossed arms a little tighter. "Pfft."

TBC?