Tonight wasn't the first time that Logan Echolls had carried a sleeping Veronica Mars home, despite the nine years since they had seen each other, or he had been this close to her… this was a very familiar situation.
Didn't they always end up cradled in one another's arms the nights they needed one another most?
Veronica Mars was a drug; even now she still had that undeniable magnetic pull for him. Loving her had nearly destroyed him. Cradling her sleeping body against his as he carried her from the car, he knew deep down his best friend Dick Casablanca's was right, he was tempting fate. Had been since the moment he had picked up the phone to call her and ask her for help in solving the murder case of his former girlfriend, Carrie Bishop, yet another of his ill-fated lovers.
It really has been a charmed life… he thought sadly as he recalled the first time Veronica Mars had ever used her skills to solve a murder, that one of Lilly Kane. His first ever girlfriend, his first love, and Veronica's best friend, the sweet 16 year old wild child whom his father, Movie Star Aaron Echolls had killed in a violent rage.
Logam was just going to take Veronica back home after the long night they had spent in the hospital with Keith Mars, former Sheriff of Neptune, her father who he had pulled from a car crash a few hours ago. He was still in critical condition, but there wasn't much they could do now until tomorrow. The broken glass still littered the street outside and a good man, Deputy Reggie Sack's had lost his life.
She was exhausted, he would put her to bed in the guestroom, he wouldn't even go to her room.
"No forbidden love while I'm gone" Dick had joked only days before.
No, he wouldn't go anywhere near her room, he didn't need those extra details for his fevered imagination. The warmth of her body pressed against him was going to be agony enough when only the ghosts of the feel of her in his arms remained. Logan would leave her on the fold-out couch that had still not been put away after her boyfriend Piz's recent visit.
Veronica & Piz, together.
He knew exactly what that looked like; he had seen that video of the two of them together more times than he had ever wanted to. Logan stared at the petite blond woman in his arms, and couldn't deny that his heart ached being so close to her again and he didn't want to put her down. He wanted to spill every word he had been waiting the last 9 years to get the chance to say to her.
"God I wish you could quit her man… you are playing with Fire" Dick had warned him.
Dick had told him that night of the 10 year high school reunion that she was still with Stosh "Piz" Piznarski, the jealousy he felt wasn't rational. They had both moved on…
Logan knew he was weak when it came to her. His love for her was still there, and consequences be damned he wasn't sure he had the strength to just walk away this time, not if she woke up now. Not if he would have to admit that he loved her.
Not when they had uncovered Gia Goodman's involvement with Carrie's murder and if this was almost over soon and he would have to watch her get back on that plane and go back to New York. It would end him.
"Let's take the long way home"
Surely she felt this between them too?
It was undeniable in the way he looked at her, some things he just couldn't hide.
He had always done the most ridiculous things for her, getting himself arrested so he could beat the crap out of the Hearst campus rapist Mercer, hiring hookers to his hotel room in the Neptune Grand to help her with her Private Eye Investigations.
He would have done anything to keep her coming back to him… until the night he had screwed it all up by sleeping with Madison Sinclair one lonely New Year's Eve during one of their many break ups.
But somehow... they always ended up right back here.
Were they ever really truly off? It didn't feel that way, it felt like they just took these pauses and then they were right back to the start with one another.
They crossed lines for each other, this connection spanned continents, it ruined lives, it was born in blood and chaos and when their worlds came tumbling down, it was in one another's arms that they found the strength to keep going.
Her lips were so close to his right now, given their chemistry over the last few days if he cupped her face and woke her with a kiss, Logan knew where it would lead, out of this perpetual purgatory and back to heaven.
Back Home….
That elation he always felt at the sight of her, he could feel his body stirring with interest at the memories of their bodies colliding.
He hadn't been this interested in a woman, in a very long time.
She could feel it too, he knew she did.
The last few years of his relationship with Carrie, he was more of a glorified babysitter and between rotations with the Navy, he hadn't really met anyone else.
Deep down, he knew the truth.
"It's always been Veronica…"
Their story was Epic. This love was legendary for him, even if he wasn't sure that she shared it. He lingered longer than he should have and she moaned slightly and nestled against his shoulder.
Marshmallows and Promises… he thought as he caught the scent of her hair.
Steeling himself, Logan opened the door and took her to the fold out couch. Tenderly, he removed her shoes but didn't trust himself to do much more, he pulled the small blanket over her. He looked at her for the longest time, and he didn't have to steal glances at her now when she wasn't looking. He didn't have to worry about Dick or someone catching him in a totally unguarded moment of awe.
Time hadn't diminished her at all.
If anything she looked even more remarkable, more beautiful. He felt something tighten in his chest, pain and regret, if he acknowledged it.
He couldn't believe he was still jealous of her being with anyone else after all this time.
Maybe I haven't grown up that much since high school… he mused to himself. Some habits were hard to break. That viewing of the college sex tape video at the reunion and seeing them both together, made him feel oddly possessive. She still felt like His, even now.
It was bringing back a war of emotions inside him. He was still jealous; part of him was still as heartbroken as he had been those weeks inside his hotel suite waiting on her coming back after hearing his apologies and declarations of love to her voicemail. She'd never come back, never mentioned it to him at all. He was in love with her, and they had both knew it. To this day, they still hadn't talked about it. Perhaps they never would. Some truths didn't need admitting.
Before they had said goodbye those 9 years ago... Logan had tried to provoke a reaction out of her, to make her jealous by asking out Parker, their mutual friend… it hadn't worked, he had watched her move on to start dating Piz.
Maybe if he had just waited a little bit longer?
It wasn't like Logan was a stranger to watching the woman he loved be with another man, for several months when they were in high school, he had watched her get back together with his best friend Duncan Kane, Lilly's younger brother and eventually he had had to watch that romance right up close and personal when he reluctantly became Duncan's roommate after his house had been burned down by the Pacific Coast Highway Biker Club, it had been torture then... and it was still torture now.
God he missed the feel of her... she was right here… he could reach out and touch her soft skin…
He realized in some ways he was always waiting for her to return, he didn't feel like he existed away from her. She was his Home, and he hadn't realised how truly homesick he had been until this very moment.
This was a heart-wrenching, soul bound kind of love. It had no end, just like it had had no real beginning, it had always just been there, binding them. Hadn't he had that realization that she was someone, he would never ever be able to walk away from at 19 and it had terrified him?
He had tried to break it off with her before, once long ago. He'd known that he loved her too much… and the fear that she hadn't felt the same way, that he would never measure up to the kind of man she deserved had almost torn him apart. He had reasoned that they should save themselves the pain, before he lost himself too deeply and the pain of losing her would be unbearable. Every time he woke up to her, every time they had made love was an earth shattering, reality altering celestial event, and he could feel himself becoming more and more powerless to those feelings for her.
He was getting lost in her and the doubt she didn't share those feelings scared him, so he tried to break it off before he gave in and she decided he had broken some rule she had and she was done with him, and he would have nothing left.
He would never have gotten over her, and he never had, not really, but he might have had a chance to learn to live without her. She had come back and fought for them after that break up, he had spent days trying not to cave in and go track her down and beg her to give him another chance.
Then she had knocked on the door to his Penthouse Suite in the Neptune Grand Hotel and the two of them had fallen back into bed, she had chosen him. She had come for him, and he was done, he lost whatever reservation he had not to give himself to her completely, she'd always been a little emotionally unavailable and he had been determined to be committed that time, he was going to try to be his best self, to earn her trust, do well at college, try and win over her father. He had been envisioning when would be the right time to buy a ring but they had both just been in college but then she had found out he had slept with Madison during their break up when he was in Aspen.
He could never forgive himself for that night with Madison, that one night had cost him everything, Logan had spent countless nights wondering how different his life could have been had he not been so self-destructive.
"You KNEW how I feel about her!" the sound of the pain in her voice when she had confronted him still sliced through him. "This is something I am never getting past" and maybe she never had.
He dreamt sometimes over the years of a young blond haired girl running into his arms and calling him dad, with Veronica standing by the door watching them, welcoming him home from duty. A real home, with a dog but that wasn't his life. It was a vision that broke him some nights when he let himself really feel the pain of her loss. Of those missed opportunities.
No, his life was Murder, Chaos and bloodshed. Knowing his luck, if she had of come back, she would have been taken from him too. Perhaps she would be before all this insanity was over.
Carrie's murder case tumbled around again in his thoughts again, making him feel guilty.
Carrie…
His mind involuntarily replayed the crime scene over in his head, the house was too quiet as he had pulled up to the driveway. He had gotten that all too familiar sick feeling in his stomach, the one he'd had before it was discovered that his own father had murdered Logan's teenage girlfriend Lilly.
The cold feeling as he went inside and the alarms sounded and the alarm code didn't work… the increasing panic that something was wrong… racing up the stairs to find Carrie lying dead in her bathtub.
Bonnie De-Ville, his pop star girlfriend.
For all their differences, he had truly cared about her. Perhaps the love was never what it could have been, that part of Logan had been shut down long ago out of necessity for his survival, but they were two broken people trying to be there for one another despite their demons. They had a connection that only someone who had been through true loss could understand. She had lost her best friend Susan Knight years ago and had never fully recovered.
Logan? Logan had lost everything.
Old wounds were threatening to re-open. Losing Lilly so young had damaged part of him, his mother, Lynn Echolls infamous suicide off the Coronado Bridge when he had been 17 and the abandonment issues that scarred him ever since. Logan was no stranger to loss. Hell, even his own fathers murder the night that he had rescued Veronica from Cassidy Casablanca's, affected him if he was honest with himself.
He finally tore himself away and closed the blinds and went into the kitchen. His fingers trembled over the paper in his hands; there was so much he wanted to confess, to demand to know, to beg for forgiveness, to thank her for.
In the end he knew this wasn't the time. It would probably never be the right time. She was worried about her dad and Logan still had no future to offer her if he didn't beat these murder charges and she had a life with someone else.
Sometimes truely loving someone, means learning how to live your life without them.
Call me when you wake up, L
He wrote finally and folded the note carefully and headed towards the front door. He could stop himself from chasing after her because she was pretty handy with that Taser she carried in her purse... but leaving her was always the hardest thing he ever had to do.
You would think after 9 years the power of this need would have faded, if anything the allure of her was even more intense. His hand reached for the doorknob and his heart was pleading with him to turn around, to go back and wake her, but he had no right.
He had to be a man about this.
Be the kind of man she deserved, the man he had decided he would try to be all those years ago the morning Dr Galway had checked him into rehab, even if he couldn't be with her. Even if it to do it meant he was the one who left this time so she could enjoy her life in New York with Piz. He heard someone approaching from behind, and after everything that had already happened with the attempted murder of Keith Mars tonight, he turned to see if it was an intruder.
Veronica…
"Wait" she begged her blue eyes wide and pleading, paralyzing him as his hand fell away from the door knob.
He didn't trusting himself to speak, he wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep while he had been trying to draft the note. His heart beat quickened, his palms started to sweat, every part of him hesitant, what was he to do?
His honey brown eyes drank in the sight of her, her ruffled blond hair falling around her shoulders in silver strands as it caught the moonlight coming in the window, dressed in nothing but a large blue t shirt, her wide insistent eyes, her petite smooth legs as she stepped closer to him.
If this was a dream, he would gladly never wake up.
"Don't go" she begged, looking at him with those beautiful big blue eyes. She obviously didn't want to be alone tonight and with Piz back to New York, he would stay with her if she was feeling vulnerable.
It doesn't necessarily mean what you hope… he scolded himself.
"Ok" he replied quietly, not quite certain of himself to move, he just played with the keys in his pocket, trying to debate if he should call Wallace or Mac to come and be with her instead.
He knew he didn't want to leave… he never wanted to leave her again…
Moments passed and her expression was unreadable when suddenly, she crossed the small distance between them, her eyes never leaving his, her hands reached for his face and pulled him towards her.
Years disappeared in an instant, and the world fell away, it was like that first time in the Camelot Motel when she had ever kissed him, only now, her lips devoured his hungrily and he couldn't hold back anymore. It felt like the Cosmos was being poured through his body, realigning his centre of gravity…
This… this is where he belonged….
The taste of her made his body take over, he pulled her to him, he didn't question it, didn't give himself time to think of the consequences because right now, he simply didn't care.
He wanted her, all of her; he picked her up and held her tightly to him, unable to feel close enough.
Was there ever close enough? Was there ever enough?
She leapt up into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist.
Kissing her had always felt this way… like fireworks, explosions and every part of his body flaring to life. She moaned desperately against his mouth and he started to carry her towards the bedroom, but their hands were too busy exploring each other, he leaned against the wall, trying to give her the option to back out now because after this, he would fight for her, he wasn't going to lose her again, he didn't care about being the better man, he cared about being her man.
Always….
Logan pulled away gasping from her kisses, his smouldering gaze blazing with his intent and pressed himself against her, so she could feel him straining against his trousers, desperate for her body… for that sweet delicious friction…
It was the moment of truth, she would either back out, come to her senses, and he would have to release her, pick up the pieces of himself after that rejection and exit like a gentlemen or she would continue kissing him like she was starving… like she wanted him as much as he craved her…
Veronica reached for his dark blue shirt and pulled the buttons open, exposing his bare chest, saying nothing, her eyes petitioning him to respond, he slipped a hand carefully between them, her hands clinging to his shoulders, she was so wet, she was practically vibrating just from his kisses.
She was giving herself to him…
The knowledge that she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her was overwhelming, had she missed him as much as he missed her after all this time?
He freed himself from his jeans and delved into her in one swift motion, grabbing her hips and squeezing her ass, pinning her against the wall, gasping he looked deep into her eyes, the love there was unmistakable, she couldn't ignore how much he had craved her all this time.
How much he had always loved her…
He began to thrust inside her as she pulled his mouth back to hers and started to move her hips in time with him, becoming more aggressive and urgent.
Shit, he wouldn't last long if she kept this up, his other hand reached for her breast; her nipple was hard against his palm.
Please god let this be real… he prayed.
"Logan…." She sighed, her nails digging into his shoulders, the pain made his eyes widen in reverence.
She was still an angel. He had asked himself repeatedly these last few days, why had he made those call to summon her here. Her father could gladly have taken his case. There were plenty of Lawyers in Neptune, but still, all he had wanted since he woke up in that cell was Veronica; she was his family. Time and distance couldn't weaken that fact.
She was his soul mate, and with every touch of her skin, every brush of her lips against his neck, he knew now that was exactly why he had brought her here. He felt her clenched tightly around him and he could feel her twitching as she called his name out again as the first little aftershocks shook her through her body.
"Oh Logan….." Damn he had missed this….. "Don't stop…" she whispered against his ear and he pound more eagerly into her, he wanted her to call out for him like that again.
"It's a little late to stop now." he smiled as he kissed her neck, her legs wrapped around him tighter. He grabbed her ass and held her against him, turning them towards the dining table, lying her back he tore away the rest of his shirt, he wanted her hands on him, wanted this t shirt she was wearing off her, her breasts in his hands, he wanted to rain kisses down on every bit of her body, to taste her, to lose himself in her completely.
To come home…
Veronica Mars was a drug… the one drug he had never been able to quit… and he was higher than he had ever been. She intoxicated him… He didn't want to think about the morning, about the bigger picture. Time was against them and he had her now, she shimmied her ass closer to the edge of the table where he was hard and waiting for her, the t shirt discarded on the floor, she was gloriously naked, and it wasn't on a television screen this time with Piz, it was with him, waiting for him.
He reached out and touched her clitoris, she moaned and bit her lip, something about her was still a little inexperienced he realized, even after all these years apart, she had still been with Piz, he was betting she was pretty used to a staple diet of girl on top and missionary position.
No one ever had the chemistry they did together…
He smiled at her, and looked at her watching him with a puzzled look as he picked up her foot and raised both her legs to lean against his shoulders, she was so short, but the table was the perfect height for this, kissing her ankle, he stepped forwards and slipped himself inside her, she was still so tight but her body responded eagerly, he gripped her thighs and massaged them as continued his driving himself deeper into her, her mouth opened in surprise at the pleasure, he was still so far away from her, he could tell she was craving his mouth on hers. The distance was teasing and he knew it, the look of desire in her expression devoured him.
She's still mine…
"Logan…please…" she rasped as he continued his long deep thrusts, he was driving her wild with need.
"All in time Bobcat" he promised as he ran his hands along her legs, his fingers creating a mental roadmap to bliss. He was going to build them a permanent home in paradise if she would let him. He could barely contain himself anymore, but reality threatened to ruin the moment…
He hadn't been prepare for tonight, he never imagined this would ever happen between them, as much as he had wanted it.
"God Veronica….. I…" he implored as she began to tighten her grip on him. He didn't want to ruin the mood but they hadn't thought this through, and he wasn't sure he could contain himself even if he had to. "We haven't… I'm not…" he tried to explain his between slowing thrusts, he kissed her shin as he started to slow down, releasing his grip on her legs, his hands settling on her hips as he let them fall down by his sides.
"Why are you stopping?" she pleaded desperately.
"Because I am not sure I can hold out much longer..." he said in disappointment, running his hands down her thighs. She gave him a cheeky frown.
"Birth control, now show me some damn courtesy and fuck me Lieutenant" she reassured him and gave her a mock salute and climbed on top of her.
"Yes, Mam" he smiled, rubbing her clitoris in time to his movements, drowning her moans and sighs between kisses, moving fervently inside her before he couldn't hold back any longer and he came, his head buried between her neck and collarbone when he was spent.
9 damn long years, her body writhed beneath him and she cradled his face and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He had promised himself he would resist her... Dick was going to be so pissed at him, but right now, he just couldn't bring himself to care. He was Home.
"I want you to do that to me, on every surface in this house on the way back to my bedroom" Veronica told him boldly, she was tired, satisfied but still hungry for his body.
"9 years of Radio Silence… and you come back to take advantage of me huh?" he chuckled; love swelling in his chest so strongly he thought it would burst. He didn't care what this was to her, she was here with him now and that was all that mattered right at this moment.
"I am a Pirate after all Logan" she teased.
"You can take the girl out of Neptune... but you can't take Neptune out of the girl" he mused.
"If you still think I am a girl, and then use those manly navy skills of yours to make me a woman" she purred as she captured his lips with hers and buried her hands in his hair.