Title: The orangutan phrasebook.
Summary: I seem to recall that it says, in one of the earlier books, that the Librarian is working on a human/orangutan phrasebook thingy. And then I saw the hungarian phrasebook sketch. And then this was created.
Author's note: I know the errors in the book/book title aren't very believable. My apologies.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places. Terry Pratchett does.
Night covered the twin city of Ankh-Morpork like a blanket, cooling the air after a hot day. The slum part of the city known as the Shades was still busy with commerce, whereas silence for the most part reigned in the richer areas of the city.
Inside the Unseen University, the education facility for the Disc's wizards, something went 'clank'.
"Oh sh-!"
"Ook!"
"Right," whispered the tall, scrawny shadow that'd made the sound, "Sorry."
"Eek eek."
"I'll be more careful next time."
The shadow, also known as Rincewind the wizzard, rubbed his foot.
"You'd think that whoever is supposed to clean this place wouldn't leave their damn buckets lying around," he muttered. "Look, I don't see why we couldn't just hand them out at breakfast or something. Sneaking around the University at night is hazardous."
Rincewind glared into the darkness in what he thought was the direction of the bucket he'd just slammed his foot into, as if it had gotten in his way out of pure spite.(1)
"Ook."
"Alright, alright. It's your call."
Reverting to the usual "why-do-bad-things-always-happen-to-me?" monologue inside his head, Rincewind picked up a bunch of papers and followed the Librarian into the darkness.
Sunrise happens slowly on the Disc. This is because the Disc's atmosphere is so loaded with magic that light takes longer time to travel through it.
In the Unseen University, everything was quiet. It wouldn't remain that way for a very long time.
Wizards are not, by nature, early risers. Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully was the exception to the rule; he had the awful habit of getting up early to run in the university grounds. The other wizards considered, on the basis that too much fresh air couldn't possibly be good for you, that this was unhealthy.
This was the reason that the Archchancellor of the Unseen University was the first to find the book.
A few hours later, the wizards were all, quite reluctantly, awake and gathered in Ridcully's study.
"Alright," he said. "I want to know who put this in my room."
The UU staff studied the thick pile of papers lying on his desk.
"I found a bunch of those in my room too," the Lecturer in Recent Runes said thoughtfully.
"As did I," the Dean agreed.
The rest of the wizards joined in.
"Me too."
"Didn't bother to read it, even the frontpage was full of spelling errors."
"No idea where they came from, maybe it's a student prank or something..."
"Maybe they came from the Dungeon Dimensions?"
"What are you, stupid? Papers from the Dungeon Dimensions?"
"Yeah, dya think they're occult papers or something?"
"I was just saying, it's not like anyone else has a better explanation..."
"They don't have tentacles. Or fangs. Everyone knows that everything that comes out of the Dungeon Dimensions has fa-"
"SHUT UP!"
Ridcully glared at the first paper in the pile.
"The Complette and Exclusivve Guide to the languidge of the Noble Primattes," he read. "What on the Disc is a Primatte?"
"Maybe," the Bursar ventured happily, "Maybe it's what you get before mats. A pre-mat."
"It's spelled with an 'i', Bursar. Not an 'e'. Somebody give him his dried frog pills."
"Like 'primate'?" asked the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "Maybe it has something to do with the Librarian, then."
Ridcully paused, and stared at the Lecturer in Recent Runes while slowly moving his lips.
"'The complete and exclusive guide to the language of the noble primates'?" He stared with suspicion at the papers. "Hmph."
Removing the first page of the pile, he continued reading.
"'Eek. (Pronounnced 'E-&k) 1. An Expression meaning to be watchfull of hwhat One is doing so as to notte get in trouble'..."
Ridcully flipped through the papers some more.
"And then it goes on and on for a little less than half of this stack of papers until the second entry, which is 'Ook.' That's not very useful at all, I'd say. Quite a waste of time."
"Not really," said the Bursar with the blissful grin of the clinically insane. "Before, 'Ook' could mean anything. Now we've narrowed it down to about four hundred pages of definitions."
"We could at least try to use it," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "If we don't, he'll probably get upset. The last time he was upset he locked himself in the Library for a week, remember?"
"I didn't mind that so much as the fact that he took all the Bursar's dried frog pills with him, but I see your point. That's decided then, everyone is to carry this thing around with them from now on."
The UU staff groaned in unison. (2)
"It'll do you good. You lot should be exercising more, anyway."
Just as the Archchancellor had finished talking, a huge orangutan appeared in the doorway with a huge grin on its face.
After a few seconds of expectant silence from the ape, the Archchancellor felt required to say something.
"Ehm," he said, being the excellent orator that he was. "Eh, we all got your book. Uhm. Very nice. Very... useful. Eh. Thank you."
The Librarian's grin widened.
"Ook. Ook ook eek."
"Uhm, yes. Absolutely. Hold on..."
The wizards all crowded around Ridcully as he hurriedly searched his copy of The complete and exclusive guide to the language of the noble primates for the right translation.
"Would you stop pushing? I can't see anything!"
"Oh, just let me do it. You lot couldn't even find your own backsides with a map."
"What's a hovercraft, and why is it full of eels?"
"No, you idiot, that's not what he said. Look 'ere, he didn't stress the third 'ook', so it has to be one of these..."
"No longer infected with what?"
"Shut up, I've got it! He's saying he was... ah, waitaminute...happy to be of service. Either that, or he's, eh... suggesting that we go back to his place."
Standing up from his chair, Ridcully eyed the papers with a look of concentration on his face.
"Ahem," he said. "Eek eek ook, eek- sorry, ook- ook."
And that's when the Librarian jumped him.
Mustrum Ridcully woke up with one of the worst headaches he'd ever had. This wasn't helped by the fact that he woke up staring right into the scrawny, bearded face of Rincewind.
"Er. Good morning, Archchancellor."
"What the bloody hell happened?"
"Er." Rincewind leaned down further and whispered. "You called the Librarian the m-word, Archchancellor. He says he knows it was by mistake, and he says he's sorry."
Ridcully groaned.
"Alright. No harm done, then."
Rincewind straightened up and turned to the Librarian, who was sitting in the corner, looking as ashamed as is possible for an orangutan.
"I told you this wasn't a good idea."
"Eek eek."
"I know what you mean. Nothing I do turns out right, either."
Rincewind stared at the huge pile of orangutan phrasebooks that he hadn't thrown into the fireplace yet. This was probably going to take some time. And he'd gotten several nasty paper cuts already. With his luck, they'd probably get infected.
He sighed.
Why did everything bad have to happen to him?
(1) It had, actually. When you have as much magic concentrated into one place as there is in the UU, it tends to leak and affect the surroundings. This particular bucket had held a grudge against Rincewind ever since that one night when he'd gotten home from the Mended Drum after one too many drinks and had stumbled upon the bucket in his drunken search for a bathroom. Nobody likes having someone's lunch thrown at them, especially not if it's been digested already.
(2) Except for the Bursar, who was busy opening his jar of dried frog pills, and hadn't been listening to most of the conversation anyway.
Second author's note: Uninspired ending, I know. D: Those who spotted the Monty Python references win one (1) free internets.