a/n This is just something silly a started awhile ago. It's a side project based on a parody some friends and I were writing called Food Wars.
I just thought it might be fun to throw the blonde crew into Middle Earth. There are a lot of inside jokes and a few one shot chapters. Comment if you wish. This is just for fun. :0)
Food Wars Characters Based on Real People:
The Supreme Totally Awesome and Cool Universal Captain Amanda
The Lieutenant Kitty
The Tech Sergeant Pearl
The Jester Janitor Jessi
The Lost Tourist Robby
Food Wars Original Characters:
That Really Annoying Guy Who Shows Up Every Now and Then Just to Make Things Confusing
Other Food Wars Characters may show up in later chapters. I don't own Middle Earth, etc, etc, etc.
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The Carrot Crew Crashes in Middle Earth
Episode 1: An Unexpected Landing
Captain Amanda stepped coolly off the Giant Flying Carrot. She surveyed her surroundings with a thoughtful flick of her brow as her Fearless Leader Skills began kicking in. What planet had they crashed on this time?
She had by now grown accustomed with all necessary precautions in this situation. Pearl hadn't quite gotten the hang of their new fourteen cylinder high powered engines.
It appeared they were in a forest of some sort. She had to admit though, this planet did have a pretty nice look to it. The sweet scent of flowers filled the air. The sun seemed to smile warmly as the birds sang merrily. Flowers danced in a breeze that filled one with a warm, fuzzy feeling.
"Creepy," muttered the Captain.
Amanda couldn't say which she wanted more: to burst into singing, or to become abruptly ill. She eyed a robin that perched on a low branch near by. He was definitely too happy to be any normal robin.
"Well, this is a scene from an Edgar Allen Poe, if I ever saw one," she declared, eyeing the bird warily.
After another look around and a pensive nod, she turned back for her ship to see what the others might have gathered about this strange place.
Captain Amanda entered the Carrot Council room to find Tech Sergeant Pearl, Lieutenant Kitty, and That Really Annoying Guy Who Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Plot Who Shows Up Every Now And Then Just To Make Things Confusing. They were all smack in the middle of an in-depth discussion about whether the key to flying really is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Jester Janitor Jessi & Lost Tourist Robby watched with blank expressions. Of course, it wasn't at all strange to find chaos in any place near That Annoying Guy (which was really annoying).
"And so, as you can quite clearly see, due to the earth's gravitation pull (an energy pressing everything towards the earth) it is impossible for one to miss the ground, if one throws oneself towards the ground," That Really Annoying Guy concluded quite neatly.
"In fact," he added after but a second of silence, "thrusting ones own weight at the earth, I'm quite certain, would result inevitably in pain and or death. (This I know through the experiences of my late second cousin). . ."
"Nu uh!" Kitty protested, wisely ignoring his last comment. "How do you explain Super Man, then?"
"Magician," stated That Really Annoying Guy after a brief thought.
"Really?!" Pearl exclaimed with wonder.
She quickly corrected herself after a sharp nudge from Kitty.
Captain Amanda cleared her throat loudly.
"Supreme Totally Awesome and Cool High and Mighty Universal Captain Amanda!" exclaimed Kitty, thankful for an excuse not to find a real answer for That Really Annoying Guy, until she could come up with a good come back.
The Captain sighed inwardly. It seemed the crew's attention span grew shorter everyday and she just didn't know what to do about it. She didn't want to have to use those home learning videos again.
"Not to interrupt the lesson here," began the Captain regally, "but just wondering if anyone here remembers the strange planet just outside that door, which we are currently stranded on. . . In my opinion, it wouldn't be a very positive experience to be attacked by savage natives right now."
She finished the last thought half to herself, as though making a mental note that this would indeed be a negative thing.
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed the Tech Sergeant. "I was just on my way to tell you - Well, that is, I was on my way to tell you, until That Really Annoying Guy had to come out and try to explain why The Carrot crashed or 'Ceased to fly' or whatever it is he said, and then we got into this discussion over the key to flying. Jester Jessi suggested that it's not really a matter of flying, but how high you can jump; but Kitty and I think that it's really all just a matter of- "
"Hold on," interrupted the Captain, not really caring to hear the rest of Pearl's babbling. "You were on your way to tell me what?"
"Oh. . . Right . . . Well . . . You're not gonna believe this," Pearl started, clearly suspending excitement of some sort. "This is really cool, Okay- No, no. . . This is like really, incredibly, friggin' awesome! -No! It's like totally and completely, inexorably- "
"Just say it, already!" exclaimed Kitty
"Right . . . well . . . I know where we are . . . and you're never gonna believe where . . . This is really cool- No. . This is like really, really-"
Amanda threw up her hands in exasperation.
"Someone explain!" she sighed.
"Okay, Okay, you don't have to get all impatient-"
"Middle Earth!!!" interrupted Kitty, unable to contain her excitement any longer.
". .Whosie what?" came Amanda, uncertain she had heard quite clearly (and rather hoping she hadn't).
"That's right!" nodded Pearl. "And according to my calculations. . ."
She paused to pull out her very large "pocket sized" Complete Middle Earth Atlas Guide For The Completely and Totally Obsessed Fellowship Fan (Get a Real Life)
"We're about. . . here" she said, pointing to one of her very large fold out, pop-up, 3-D maps. "And, if I'm correct, we're right by Rivendel! And if we're really lucky, we'll be taken prisoner by the High Elves! Isn't that cool?!"
Kitty nodded excitedly as a gesture of agreement. Amanda blinked as she tried to grasp this information.
"Wait. . . " she said slowly, trying not to hyperventilate "So, so, w-we're where?"
"Middle Earth!" exclaimed Pearl and Kitty in unison, with huge grins on their faces.
"I always told you it existed!" said Pearl. "See? No matter how many times you said 'Middle Earth doesn't exist' and then when I didn't believe you, you'd tell me that the elves burnt it down with a forest fire. . deep down. . . I just knew that couldn't be true."
Kitty nodded with a sympathetic expression.
"Elves know not to play with fire," she explained with a shrug.
The Captain was somewhat disgusted to hear this conversation again. She tried to block out the voices.
"So, wait. . . We're in M- Middle- Hobbit Land?!" she cried.
"Well, actually, hobbits live in the Shire," stated Pearl, "And Rivendel is about 400 miles from the Shire; but if you'd like to see some hobbits, we have a pretty good chance of seeing Bilbo here. And, if our timing is right, we'll get to see Frodo and Sam."
"And Merry and Pippin!" added Kitty.
"And. . . Aragorn!" gasped Pearl.
"And Legolas and Boromir!" squealed Kitty.
Amanda breathed heavily. The room was starting to spin. This couldn't be! Hobbits and elves were all just made up by some old guy with too much free time. Middle Earth wasn't real! . . . Was it?
The Captain ran outside in hopes of finding some sign that they weren't in Hobbit Land (and to get away from the annoying, ear piercing squeals coming from her two blonde companions).
"Nooo!!" Amanda cried as she dropped to her knees. "I don't believe in elves and hobbits! I am not a Fellowship Fan! I never even watched the second half of the Extended Version! And I am NOT in Middle Earth!!!"
No sooner had she said this than several tall, skinny people jumped nimbly out of nowhere holding bows and arrows. They all had big, pointy ears, flowy hair, and unusually shiny eyes. It was as though fate had only wanted to spite her.
"Don't tell me," said the Captain dryly. "High Elves." She pointing one finger as though this brought clarification.