the following chapters are a series of non-sequitur, satirical oneshots aimed at parodying and lampooning common tropes/ridiculous situations in the tf2 fandom. ratings vary from t to low m ;o) enjoy!

the 10th class

"hm." generic american white late-teenaged girl smirked, sitting pretzel-legged on her bed with her laptop on tumblr in her room that was liberally adorned with Christmas lights. "so some team called red team is hiring. they say they need a male. i am not male but who cares." she got off the bed and went downstairs. "hi mom" she said in a cute girl-next-door way. then she remembered that her parents had died in a tragic motorcycle accident 17 years ago right after she was born. very tragic and bloody accident that scarred her for life but also left her cool, tough, and sensitive

"oh my mom and dad is dead. oops" she said cutely and sexily. "i guess i'll apply for red now. bye grandma." unfortunately, grandma had died in the motorcycle accident too, as she was the one driving it. stupid fucking grandma, what the hell was she doing driving a motorcycle on the freeway with three people on it? and i'm beginning to think this girl has alzheimer's. at any rate, she went to the place to meet up with ms. pauling. you know, the place.

"we wanted a man," ms. pauling said plainly and stupidly because she's plain and stupid and gets in the way

"well—"

"whatever, welcome aboard" she said, shaking the girls' small, dainty, and cute hand.

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, her long, silky auburn hair flowing awesomely through the wind.

"i love your hair," ms. pauling whimpered lesbianly, running her jealously grubby hand through girl's amazing hair

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming a selfie with ms. pauling, putting the caption "bestiiieeessss !(:" followed by 18 emojis as they walked towards the bus that would take them to the red base.

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"does anyone have an iphone charger?" girl asked cutely. thousands of instagram likes and comments began piling up on her selfie with ms. pauling as she walked into the team common room, pissed off at the fucking shitty battery life on her plebeian phone. moral of the story: samsung galaxy master race bitches

"scuse me? wot th' bloody hell's an oiphoan?" sniper asked australianly, looking up from the tv. he stopped in his tracks, taken by her absolute beauty and grace.

"a who-dang-diddle-dong-wut, now?" engineer asked stupidly because he's from the south. he looked up and his goggle-less eyes were instantly enamored with the sight of the beautiful young woman in front of him. she giggled a lil

"an i. phone. it's a cellular telephone, which is a phone that can make and receive telephone calls over a radio link while moving around a wide geographic area. it does so by connecting to a cellular network provided by a mobile phone operator, allowing access to the public telephone network," she said intelligently

"m-m-m-may ah?" engineer stammered nervously, intimidated by her intelligence and beauty while sticking his gloved hand out. "a-ah'm a enginee-ur, and ah lahke technawlgee"

"sure" she said silkily, saucily handing him the iphone. his face lit up like The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, which is a worldwide symbol of the holidays in New York City. The 2014 Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree will be lit for the first time on Wednesday, December 3 with live performances from 7–9 PM, at Rockefeller Plaza, between West 48th and West 51st Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenues. Tens of thousands will crowd the sidewalks for the event and hundreds of millions will watch it live across the globe. The Tree will remain lit and can be viewed until 8pm on January 7th, 2015.

"who there" breathed heavy dumbly, looking up from his kindergarten-level picture book.

"misha" she laughed, hands over her mouth in shock.

"raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third" he cried happily, wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug. luckily, she drank a lot of milk as a child and had strong bones

"excuse me? vho is zis?" medic asked jealously. then he lowered his glasses and nearly came at the sight of of the blessed heavenly beauty in front of him. but he hid it well, because he definitely used to be a gay nazi and was used to hiding things. i say he was a gay nazi as a shallow attempt at characterizing the medic and also because i don't know anything about the third reich

"my cousin," heavily laughed uproariously, slapping his knee. "cousin, let us go bowling"

"not now, roman," she laughed in an eastern-european, hitman-like manner. the scout nervously swaggered up to her.

"a-a-a-a-ah, do you has a boyfriend?" scout asked shyly but hotly.

"mmmm no," she said with a shy and coy smirk. "what makes you so confident to think you have a chance with the likes of me?" she said, pouting her lips a lil bit and giving him a saucy and cute come-hither look

"duh" scout duh'd, at a loss for words. who needed ms. pauling when you had raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third?

the demoman looked up from his bottle of alcohol and said nothing because he was too deeply in love with raven and that's my excuse for not writing about the demoman. in reality nobody really gives a shit about him

"maggots that is a girl. girl can't fight" soldier screamed so loud he tore his own stupid vocal cords

"mmph huddah huh" pyro said. people think the pyro is like a cute inanimate object but they don't actually care about it so i'm just going to conveniently leave it out and refer to it as an 'it'

"..." said the spy sexily and silently, lazily blowing smoke out through his nostrils like a nicotine-addicted french lizard. he made sultry, hot eye contact with raven but said nothing.

"well guys, thanks for welcoming me. off to my room," raven giggled amidst the commotion, brushing her long, silky chestnut hair behind her cute small ear.

"what is it you are doing 'ere?" spy asked suddenly and mysteriously, glaring at her. she turned around dramatically.

"i'm the tenth class," she said with a friendly, happy smile

"and zhat would be?" he asked fiercely, blowing a smoke cloud in the shape of the eiffel towel

"the random," she smiled epically, holding up her uniform. with that, she left for her room as the entire living room stood there in stunned silence…

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"huddah huh" pyro said as it cooked dinner in the kitchen for the mercenaries in the dining room. you'd think red would fucking be able to afford a cook or two. but no, pyro always cooked because who gives a shit about the pyro

"hi guys!" raven said brightly, appearing in the dining room in her new uniform. the entire room stopped talking to look at her silently, taking in her ethereal, blessed beauty. on her graceful head sat a cute chullo with a question mark knitted into it, her gorgeous amber hair flowing from underneath. she wore light, beautiful, youthful, natural makeup that accentuated her beautiful facial features. her flawless, slender, curvy body and pale, blemish-free skin were complemented with a red, form-fitting, athletic nike™ shirt paired with black nike™ spandex compression shorts. on the sleeves of her shirt were yellow, encircled question marks. around her neck was a dogtag necklace with the names of her dead parents and dead grandma. she wore long, cutely-patterned, mismatched red knee-high socks with cool red hi-top chuck taylor converse™ sneakers. per her dress code, she wore two black sweatbands around her wrists, one with an apple™ logo and one with a picture of al gore™'s face for good luck.

"whugmgompf, y-you look beuatfal," scout spluttered, spewing his verbal diarrhea everywhere.

"embarrass yourself le more, why do you not," spy rolled his eyes frenchly. little did scout know that spy was equally enamored with her sheer classic beauty and had already vowed to make her his

"maggots that is a woman. we cannot have a maggot female on the maggot team. i am a mens rights activist and this is bad news," solider mouthed because he ripped his vocal cords earlier due to his own idiocy. nobody heard him and nobody cared about his stupid invalid opinions

"yew look goahjus," sniper said in a huskily smooth australian outback way, getting up and wrapping his wiry arms around her from behind. she giggled as she inhaled his heady scent of dirt and piss, but the other team members were not so amused

"get tiny stupid baby hands off of cousin," heavy roared, angrily shattering a window with his meaty hamfist.

"o-o-okay, soarry mate," sniper said, his tiny hands thrown in the air defensively

"dhnnr's rhhdy" called pyro from the kitchen

"mmm heck yeah can't wait for pahro's down-home-stahyle cornbreayud 'n' gritz. just likes mah momma used to makes," engineer chuckled, sucking his thumb in anticipation.

"hhrhh crbrhebbd" pyro said proudly, emerging from the kitchen in a full formal chef's uniform and placing the freshly-baked cornbread loaf on the table. pyro was wearing oven mitts even though its gloves were already fucking fireproof. it doesn't matter because oven mitts are cute and the pyro always has to be cute because i can't characterize the pyro as anything other than cute

"karnbraAaahd" yelled engineer savagely as he almost gave himself a stroke. he instantly began viciously clawing up the hot, sweet cornbread from the baking dish and shoveling it into his huge, salivating mouth. eventually he stopped trying that and just mashed his entire face into the cornbread plate like the fucking wild uncivilized texan animal he really was. his hardhat fell off his head and rolled onto the floor as he made loud, feral grunts and violently lapped up every molecule of cornbread he could. raven giggled cutely and gently rubbed the engineer's back in a fun-loving way. he suddenly stopped and looked up, bits of the spongy yellow cornbread slowly falling off his face and onto the table as he stared at the apple of his eye.

"oopsh," he said embarrassedly, bits of moist, spit-coated cornbread flying out of his mouth and hitting raven in the face. she giggled again as he blushed.

"oh, it's okay," she assured with a perfect smile, wiping the crumbs off her smooth cheek and whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming the cornbread carcass on the table. 'someone sure was hungry! :D' she put as her caption, followed by 23 slightly-relevant emojis. instantly, the likes and comments poured in.

"how d'ya get so many likes and comments on instagram?" scout asked in an impressed and fascinated way, digging into his freshly-served dinner along with everyone else as he sat next to raven. absolutely nobody touched the cornbread.

"ah, i don't know," she shrugged modestly. "i mean, i really don't. i'm not all that pretty, or smart. my parents died right after i was born, so i raised myself, pretty much," she sighed prettily, eating a small bite of her dinner.

"that's amazin'. how many followers you got?" he asked, suddenly familiar with the concept of social media

"oh, i don't keep count…"

"ah, c'mon, it's okay, you can tell me."

"oh…just a hundred million, or so. i don't know who would follow me, or why. just how it is," she shrugged with a small, humble smile. scout dropped his fork in amazement

"whoa, a hundred mil? that's friggin' fuckin' wicked," he said, instinctively putting his arm around her. sparks flew as his arm touched her shoulder, and they instantly met eyes.

"thanks," she said with an adorable smile, tilting her head as her smooth locks fell over her shoulder.

"get your stupid baby hand off of—"

"oh, it's okay, heavy," raven giggled. "hehe, he's being nice to me"

at this, heavy growled fiercely but complied, glaring at the scout and angrily shoveling food into his fat slavic trap. the rest of the dinner was eaten in relative silence. as the team filed out and left the pyro to do the countless filthy dishes, scout walked with raven around the base, carrying her on his shoulders and showing her around.

"aaaaand dis is da showah," he said, gesturing to the showers

"thanks," she said, sitting on his shoulders because she was so light and cute and happy and beautiful. she sniffed herself and smelled like honey lavender with a hint of jasmine and mint.

"ew, i think i need a shower," she said, pouting

"ah, haha, well, ah, if yous need a partner…" scout stammered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"it's okay," she giggled coquettishly, gracefully dismounting and gently patting his arm. "i can do it myself, silly." scout's face turned beet red.

"ahaha, ah, okay, if yous says so. have a good showah," he said awkwardly, walking backwards down the hall.

"thaanks!~" she called out, waving after him like an anime character as her hair flowed in the wind. she walked into the shower room and shyly disrobed, revealing her milky white skin and supple, pert breasts. she turned the water on and let it wash over her skin and cleanse her body. with the water running, she hadn't heard footsteps enter the room. she opened her mouth and began beautifully singing the opening aria from the french opera "carmen", which is like the only opera piece people know. yes, that one. that dramatic one automatically playing in your head right now. the one you hear in commercials. that's the one.

"L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, Que nul ne peut apprivoiser, Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle, S'il lui convient de refuser, Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière," she sang deliciously, the lilting notes reverberating throughout the shower room. the spy stood, magically transfixed by his native language so gorgeous-sounding. he simply had wanted to take a shower, but as an opera aficionado, he'd never heard the most popular and beautiful aria from carmen so beautifully sung before, especially not by such a beautiful and perfect woman.

"L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait, Et c'est l'autre que je préfère; Il n'a rien dit mais il me plaît," she sang, her voice like auditory silk that caressed the spy's masked ears. he simply couldn't take it anymore.

"Si tu ne m'aimes pas, Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime; Prends garde à toi," he sang back, his rich melted butter baritone voice mixing with her clear bell mezzo-soprano as they harmonized flawlessly. she stopped, her beautiful heterochromic eyes going wide. she flung the curtain open to see the spy, his strong and manly body completely wet and naked and singing opera at her.

"oh goodness," she breathed with a divine smile, her beautifully milky pale skin dripping with hot water and becoming flushed as steam billowed out from behind her.

she looks like a heavenly angel, thought the spy, all she is missing is her wings.

he slowly approached her in the shower and they made sweet, wet, sensual, heavenly french love all night long. hon hon hOn

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"ready set go" called the administrator, releasing the teams from their spawn rooms in the map ctf_2fort. as they all went off to do shit, raven ran with them and began impressing them all over again. she ran side-by-side with the scout, sticking her tongue out at him and surpassing him as he ran headfirst into a pole and crumpled to the ground. that caused severe brain hemorrhaging and he didn't get up, so he eventually just died

the engineer had run out of metal to build another sentry, so much to his delight, raven ran up and upgraded his mini-sentry to a level-three with one hit. they smiled at each other as she ran off to set more enemies on fire with her sniper rifle.

"she may be a beautiful heavenly angel but surely she cannot surpass me in spy things," spy said to himself at normal volume, standing completely still in the middle of the map. immediately the other team's scout whizzed by, strafing wildly. in seconds, raven had her knife in his back with a cheery smile on her face.

"ran fast died virgin," she giggled, off to plant a sticky trap. spy totes heart-eye emoji'd and fell in love with her, like...x10. what a babe

"i'm bored as shit and i act as nothing but a plot device, so for ten seconds i'm turning off…respawn," laughed the administrator. everyone suddenly stopped moving and stood still, but raven hadn't noticed the blu sniper's bullet hurtling towards her chest. as the bullet pierced her angelic skin and embedded itself in her heart, she keeled over gracefully and beautifully, hitting the ground silently. the entire time crowded around her quietly as raindrops began falling from the sky. the scout took his hat off and began choking back tears. in fact, everyone was choking back tears. even the administrator. even gray mann.

one of the spy's lone, golden french tears fell from his sky-blue eyes and onto raven's pale, smooth cheek. instantly, the sky parted to reveal columns of heavenly sunlight. eight angels descended from heaven and carried raven up into the sky. the spy cleared his throat and began singing.

"in zhe aaaaaarms ooooof an aaaangel," he began, his baritone voice evoking an outpouring of emotions from everyone on the field.

"floi awaaaay from heeeere," sniper sang, his rich vibrato and bass voice harmonizing with the spy's. they put their arms around each other.

"from zhis daaaaaark cooooold hotel room," came medic's tenor voice, playing a violin cadence.

"and tha endlessness thatcha fear," wept the scout's poignant alto voice

"yer pulled from the wreckage...of yer silent reverie," cried the engineer's heart-wrenching falsetto soprano.

"in the aaaaaaarms oooooof aaan aaaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll," everyone on the field chorused together in perfect harmony as raven ascended to heaven. "may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comfort heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere"

a moment of silence settled in the field, all hats off and against the chests of the mercenaries, watching their wonderful girl rise up. the angels and raven got smaller and smaller until eventually, the tiny dot in the sky became invisible and the clouds disappeared, revealing a clear blue sky and sunny day.

"gahd i'm gonna miss'er," scout choked, breaking the heavy silence putting his hat back on

"who?" heavy asked idiotically

"ya fuckin' cousin, dipshit. how stupid can ya get?"

"she was not my cousin."

"wot tha fock mate?" sniper spat. "yew fockin' sed yesterday that she was your cousin."

"wat is a cousin?" heavy asked slowly, his baby blue eyes more glazed over than terri schiavo's

"oh heavy," everyone laughed, hands on their hips. the studio audience cried of laughter as the ending theme played and the camera cut to the heavy shrugging his shoulders.