An Epic Tale
Link woke up with a pounding headache. He looked around him and saw that he was in a small room. He couldn't remember how he'd gotten there though. He realised that he couldn't feel his legs. He looked down and saw that Malon was lying across his waist. At first, he was relieved that he still had all of his limbs. Then his brain caught up to the present. What the hell is Malon doing here? He screamed and jumped to his feet. Malon's head fell and banged on the floor. She broke out of her sleep and yelled in pain. She glared at Link, who had begun to hyperventilate.
"What did you do that for? There are nicer ways of waking people you know!" She stood up.
"Malon, what are you doing here?" Link asked.
"Well! ...Actually, I don't know. Do you know how you got here?" Link thought for a moment.
"Huh... I don't know either. It's all a bit fuzzy..."
"Weren't we at the ranch before? No, wait. I think it might have been the lake. I remember a huge pool of milk..."
"There were two of you I think. No, wait, three. Wasn't there a Deku Scrub as well?"
"I remember a Zora with pink antennae. We also had a huge mirror. Hey, why would we have that?"
"I think Zelda was doing handstands on Epona. Wait, maybe that was Darunia. I remember Princess Ruto was drowning, I know that for a fact."
"I seem to remember my dad giving us some milk before all that. Ugh... that milk tasted funny too..."
"I remember that as well! Much clearer than that scene at the lake or the ranch or wherever we were. Still, it doesn't really matter where we were before. Let's go out of this room and see where we are now."
"Good idea." Link and Malon walked to the door and went outside. They found that they were on a small platform in a huge cavern. Link looked over the edge and saw a deep abyss. He took out his bow and fired a Light Arrow down. It kept going until it was a tiny pinprick of light and then it was too far to see it. Link turned to Malon.
"Malon, I think we're in a bit of a dilemma. We seem to be stuck here with no sort of supplies except for the clothes we're wearing, each other-"
"That's gross Link."
"If we wanted we could probably eat the platform, which wouldn't be a good idea in the long run. And of course there's that small building we were just in."
"Have you considered that we haven't looked on the other side of the platform yet?" Link sighed.
"No, I haven't. But there probably isn't anything there so I'm planning ahead."
"Can we start thinking horrible thoughts after we confirm that there's no way out?"
"If you insist." They walked around the building and saw that there actually was something there. There was a platform some distance away and a trapeze moving back and forth between them and the other platform. Malon smirked at Link.
"Okay Malon. You were right and I was wrong. Okay?" Malon giggled.
"It's alright Link. But there's still a problem. How am I going to get across? I'm not as fit and athletic as you are. I don't think I'll be able to jump, grab that and hold on until I let go and land on the other side." Link stood and thought for a while. Then he had an idea.
"How about I grab it, then when I swing back to you, grab onto me and then we can swing to the other side! It'll be easier than you trying to grab the bar yourself. After all, I'll extend the length so you don't have to jump so far."
"I don't know. It seems a bit improbable..."
"I suppose you have a better idea?" Malon sighed.
"I guess not. Let's just get it over with." Link waited until just the right moment, then ran and jumped at the trapeze. He grabbed it just as it began swinging back and moving towards the other side.
"Get ready Malon! As soon as I get back, jump and grab on!"
"Okay... If I die, it's your fault, okay?" Link laughed and flipped over so that he was hanging on by his legs. He held his arms out towards Malon.
"Well, that seems a little bit safer but..." Malon tried to block out her fears and when Link came back, she leapt at him and grasped his wrists. When they swung close to the other platform, Link let go and she landed relatively safely. Soon, Link landed next to her.
"Brilliant! That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"It was."
"Oh. Well, anyway, there doesn't seem to be anything worthwhile on this side-"
"So we did all that for nothing?"
"But in my experience, it's when there doesn't seem to be anything that you'll most likely find something."
"How does that make any sort of sense?" Link pulled out a small magnifying glass.
"This is called the Lens of Truth. Hold it to your eyes and anything hidden from you becomes clear." He looked through it. "As I thought! But, oh dear."
"What is it Link?"
"See for yourself!" He handed her the Lens. She looked through it as well.
"Oh! There's a corridor here! Hang on, what is that?" She saw a pair of metal blades further down the hall.
"It looks like some sort of trap. Come on, let's see what it does." They walked cautiously towards the device. As soon as they got close, it began snapping open and shut. They jumped back out of shock. Link thought about this.
"Hmm... Malon, I think I'll need to try and jump through."
"What? But, what if it gets you?"
"Relax Malon. You know me. I've faced worse than this." Malon gulped and tried to put aside her concerns. Link stood back and ran at the trap. He leapt through and...
Link's torso went flying forward. The trap had sliced him in half. Malon clapped her hands to her mouth and let out a small cry. This couldn't be possible! Link couldn't have died! She stepped cautiously to Link's lower body. The trap began taking effect again. She gingerly grabbed the legs of Link's carcass and dragged it away. She looked at the other side and saw the rest of Link's body. It was still and had left a pool of blood where it lay. He was most assuredly dead. Malon knelt beside the half of Link's body that she had, put her face in her hands and began to cry.
After a while, she heard a voice.
"Ugh... That looks really nasty." Malon turned and saw Link standing right behind her!
"Link!" She stood and embraced him. She began crying into his shoulder. Link hesitated, then put his arms around her as well. "Is-is it really you Link?"
"I'm afraid so Malon." She laughed and then said,
"How is it possible? I can see your corpse and it's clearly dead!"
"I probably should have told you before, even though you wouldn't have believed me, but it's just this thing that happens for me. When I die, I revive at the start of wherever I was. I'm sorry for causing you such distress Malon. It is nice to know that you care about me enough to cry over my apparent death though..." Malon laughed again. They stood for a while, enjoying each other's company until Link shattered the moment.
"If you would be so kind as to let me go Malon, I'm going to try and get through that trap again." Malon suddenly became very self-conscious and withdrew quickly. She began to blush. Link stepped towards the trap and let it run. He realised what an idiot he'd been when he noted that it made a set of quick attacks, then stopped for a while. Still, it hadn't been a complete waste of time... He waited for the trap to finish a set of attacks, then stepped through quickly.
"Is it really that simple? Just this one thing, then that's all?" Malon asked.
"Don't be so sure. If this is what I think it is, there will be heaps of deadly creatures and puzzles ahead. This is just a warm-up. You'll see." Link replied. Malon stepped through the trap as well. The two of them walked down the corridor and came to a door. They went through it and metal bars slammed down behind them. Link groaned.
"What now?"
"What's wrong Link?"
"Whenever a door is locked behind you in a dungeon, it means there's something important to do in the room. Usually, it involves shooting something with an arrow or killing a monster. Just watch. As soon as we walk to the middle of this room, we're going to be attacked." Sure enough, when Link stepped into the centre of the room, a Stalfos dropped from the ceiling. "See? These places are so predictable!" He drew his sword and prepared to fight. However, to his surprise, the Stalfos just groaned and threw down its sword and shield.
"Oh I can't be bothered with this! There's just no point!" Link and Malon looked at each other in bewilderment. "Look Link, we both know that you will obviously kill me. You will then take the key I drop and unlock the door that gets you out of this room. You will get through this whole stupid labyrinth and easily defeat the boss! Let's just make life easier for everyone." It began chanting something under its breath. Malon looked at Link questioningly. Link looked back at her and shrugged. A portal appeared at the Stalfos' feet. "Here, take this portal and get to the boss room. I'll even give you the item of the dungeon!" It threw a hookshot at Link. "Normally, you would use this to grapple around and pull distant items to you. It won't really be useful any more but you never know." The Stalfos stepped back and began sipping a cup of tea. It just fell through its skeleton and onto the ground but it didn't seem to mind. Malon looked at Link and asked,
"What was that about?"
"I have no idea. Generally, monsters aren't as considerate as this. But let's not look a gift horse in the mouth. You never know when they're going to think up a dungeon more annoying than the Water Temple. Besides, I can handle anything that comes my way."
"You mean like that trap just before?"
"Hey! It didn't matter. I'm immortal, remember?"
"Well, I'm not. What if this leads to a pit of lava or something?"
"I doubt it. Monsters are too stupid to think of something clever like that."
"I am trying very hard to ignore that last remark." said the Stalfos.
"Come on Malon. Be brave!"
"Easy for you to say..." said Malon. She and Link stepped into the portal together. A crystal encased them both and they felt their feet leave the ground.
They found themselves in a small room with a door before them.
"Ready Malon?" Link asked.
"Not really." replied Malon.
"Good enough. Let's go!" Link grabbed Malon's hand and half-forced her through the door. They stepped through to the start of a carpeted staircase. They could hear the sound of someone playing organs. Link suspected a pancreas. They hurried up. Fifteen minutes later, they reached the end.
"What kind of person would have such a long spiral staircase?" asked Malon.
"There's only one man who would place a needlessly long staircase before his lair." Link threw open the door. "Ganondorf!" Through the door, they could see Ganondorf sitting, playing his organs. Turns out he was actually playing the gall bladder and liver. It was an easy mistake to make though.
"So, you two made it through my dungeon, quite quickly at that. So much for my entry for the competition of designing the most difficult dungeon ever." Link breathed a sigh of relief. Thank the gods for that kind Stalfos. "But now, it doesn't matter. You will not survive a fight against me. Not this time. I'm pretty sure I've toughened up enough to murder people smaller and younger than me this time."
"Ganondorf, why did you kidnap us? Don't you have something better to do than threatening adolescents? Shouldn't you try gaining total control over your own home before turning your attention to the rest of the world?" asked Link.
"No, not really. I have no patience for preliminaries. And I kidnapped you because... I'm evil! Mwahahahahaaaa!"
"...Right. Come on then, let's get this mandatory boss battle out of the way so we can go home. Malon, you stay here and hope I don't die this time."
"Okay..." said Malon. Link ran to the middle of the room and flames came out of the ground. Stupid reviewers. Ganondorf drew his sword and charged at Link. Link drew his own sword and parried the blow. The fight soon degenerated into Link blocking Ganondorf's attacks and retaliating every so often. Malon spent a few minutes watching, but soon got bored of seeing the same thing over and over. She began looking around the small area she was in and found text carved into the wall. She read it and was quite surprised at what it said. She considered how convenient it was that it was in this particular spot for five seconds, then decided to take it seriously. Soon, Link had defeated Ganondorf again. Ganondorf lay on the ground and coughed up something green.
"Urrgh! What is that?" Link cried.
"It's not my fault! It's the stupid censors that think coughing up blood is too violent for children! As though every other violent thing that happens isn't nasty... But I'm not quite finished yet! I'm in no state to fight, but I'm not finished!"
"Well, that ends now!" Link raised his sword and prepared to impale Ganondorf with it, when Malon called out.
"Link! Don't do it!" Link paused.
"Why not?"
"It says on this wall that Ganondorf can only be permanently killed by the Seven Sages! We have to spare him until we get him to them!"
"Does it specifically mention Ganondorf? Prophecies are generally more vague."
"So? 'Only Link can defeat Ganon!'" Link gasped, then screamed.
"No! Those games never happened, okay! They were just a bad, terrible, awful nightmare! You wouldn't understand. You weren't around back then!"
"What about me? 'Join me Link and I will make your face the greatest in Koridai! Or else you will die!' They made me look so stupid!" said Ganondorf.
"I don't know what you guys are talking about! La la la la la la!" Link said as he covered his ears. Malon walked to him and put her hand on his shoulder.
"Link, they happened and there's nothing we can do about it. Just accept it and move on." Link began to cry.
"It's not fair! What did I do to deserve it? I mean, Mario got off with just one! Why did I have to have three?"
"You were barely in two of them, so stop your whining! I was the main villain in all three! And I was a stupid twit in the two you weren't in! If I could capture you, why did I fail in capturing the danger-prone princess?" said Ganondorf.
"Stop it! Just stop it!"
"Uhh... Guys?" said Malon.
"No! Don't even mention the Youtube Poops!"
"Actually, what I was about to say was that, while we've been arguing about the CD-i-"
"No!"
"We have inexplicably found ourselves on a small boat, adrift in the sea." Link uncovered his ears and looked around and saw that Malon was right. They were on a boat in the ocean.
"How in the-?"
"I don't know Link. I only just noticed the salty air myself." Ganondorf laughed.
"Well! So much for your plan of taking me to the Sages! All I have to do is wait for you two to die, then I'll make my way to land! The Triforce of Power will keep me alive and healthy while I wait!"
"And what if we kill you first?"
"Well, then I'll reincarnate and wreak havoc across Hyrule again! Ho ho ho!"
"Link, we can't allow our descendants to put up with this washed up loser."
"Washed-up? I'm the King of Evil!"
"Malon's right Ganondorf. How many times have you tried to steal the Triforce now? And every time you've been thwarted by a kid with a sword. Face it, Vaati was a better villain. He's about as difficult as you, but I needed three other Links to beat him. Imagine how it would be if I had to fight him alone. That, and he hasn't been done to death."
"Vaati sucks! There's a reason he was only in three games!"
"That reason would be?"
"...I don't know! I'm just better!"
"Link, I think this time we really do have to be concerned about supplies. We only have a small bottle of fresh water and a box of biscuits. We can't even resort to cannibalism because killing Ganondorf is not an option." said Malon.
"Oh dear. Malon, work out how we'll ration it out so that we can survive for a week. We should be saved by then." said Link.
Two weeks later, they were still drifting with no hope of escape. Over the past week, Link and Malon had been trying to work out how they felt about each other before they died. Eventually, they had come to the conclusion that they were friends who were going through a stage of being infatuated with each other. Quite common with adolescents. Link turned to Malon and said weakly,
"Malon, we don't have a choice at this point. We have to resort to cannibalism. Ganondorf is still in good condition. We could still survive."
"No. We can't do that. We can't allow our possible descendants to suffer because of our weakness." replied Malon.
"We must."
Well? Do Link and Malon die in the hopes of Ganondorf somehow ending up in the hands of the Sages or do they consume him to hopefully save themselves? If you wish to give your opinion on the matter, send them to 146 Ashford St, New York, NY, USA. For those of you cretins that want a happy ending, here it is!
Zelda and Ruto were holding each other tightly. Zelda smiled at Ruto, held her hand and said,
"Ruto, will you marry me?" Ruto smiled back and said,
"Yes. Of course I will."
THE END