A/N: This is a post ep for committed that I found on my computer and fixed up. After Sara's incident with Adam Trent Grissom faces up to his fears and tells her how he feels...basically it's a bit of fluff
Disclaimer: I own my own car and a big pile of kitchen appliances and a shelf full of CSI dvds, however, I do not own CSI itself or any characters belinging to it...YET!
He closed his eyes. Visions of Sara trapped in that nurse's station flooded his mind. He could see where the broken handle was digging into her neck. He could see the crazed look in Adam Trent's eyes. He could see the look of fear in Sara's eyes. He'd only closed his eyes for a minute, but a minute was long enough. He'd only left the nurse's station for a minute; a minute was definitely long enough he decided; long enough to change his life completely. Every time he'd closed his eyes since the attack he'd seen her scared eyes staring back at him through that window, it was as though the image were burnt onto his eyelids. 'I can't believe I almost lost her!'
He'd been working so hard lately to become part of her life again after too many years of pushing her away. He'd been trying and things had noticeably improved. Even Catherine had remarked about how much better they were getting along. Then tonight, in a moment's stupidity, in one second when he didn't think, he almost lost it all.
They say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die; well the future flashed before his eyes when he saw her through that window. He saw himself. He saw Sara. He saw them together and happy. He saw them living in a house together, relaxing in the back garden in a hot summer evening with a playful dog running around the yard. He blinked and he saw it all taken away from him in an instant by Adam Trent.
But she was so brave. She did her best to stay relaxed. She made it out alive. Of course she did, she had things to do outside in the world on the other side of that window. People to see, places to go, things to do and things to say; dying there in that nurse's station was not an option. He offered to have her replaced by another CSI but she was determined to see the case through to the end. The case had affected her personally before and now she'd been attacked but she moved past that and did her job. 'She was so brave. She was so brave and I'm still a coward!'
He had dropped her off at her apartment after they had finished at the institute that night. Stealing glances at her as he drove, he noticed her neck was red and scratched where Adam had held the shard of pottery to it. He wanted desperately to kiss it and make it better, to make it all go away, but he couldn't. They said goodnight and after only a small pause she got out of the car. He stayed and watched to make sure she got through the door safely. He went to turn the key in the ignition and start the car, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He stayed on and waited some more until he saw lights come on in her apartment and the faintest hint of her shadow as it moved around inside it. She was safe. Again he tried to turn the key in the ignition and start the car; again he couldn't bring himself to do it.
He wanted to go up to her apartment and tell her how he felt. How scared he was when he thought he was going to lose her. How it had scared him to his senses and made him realise that unrequited love wasn't enough for him anymore, that he wanted a chance at the real thing. How he loves her with every fibre of his being and has been pretending not to for too long now. But he couldn't bring himself to do that either. So he sat there, watching. He watched her shadow move behind the closed curtains, she moved with such grace. He wondered what she was doing. He wondered what it would be like to do whatever she was doing with her. He wondered what it would be like to kiss her. He wondered how she would feel in his arms.
He dosed off mid-wonder and enjoyed sweet dreams of Sara Sidle. Snapping back into consciousness his eyes darted back to her window, his brain needed to know everything was alright. He expected the lights to be out by now, he expected her to be asleep. She should have been asleep. But the lights were still on. The shadows, however, were gone. His breath tightened in his chest. How long had he been asleep for? Had something happened to her while he sat outside sleeping? Was she in trouble?
He was in the middle of panicking, considering whether storming up to her apartment and breaking down the door would be too dramatic, when a soft tapping on his window made him jump a mile out of his skin. In the dim light of the street lamps and stars he could make out her face. She looked confused but mildly amused. She looked beautiful. His eyes locked on his and his mouth slightly agape from the shock of seeing her standing there, he reached over and slowly rolled the window down, never breaking the eye contact.
"Hi." She said. Her tone was completely normal, like she was greeting him at work.
"Hi." It took a while for him to find his words. She smiled, still holding his gaze.
"What are you doing?" She leaned in ever so slightly. He blinked, broke the eye contact, and glanced around at the car, the parking lot, her apartment window with the light still on then back to her again.
"I...uh...I. Don't. Actually know." He shook his head looking very confused. "I...I couldn't go home." He just told her the only part of this that he understood.
"I see." She said softly and nodded. He sighed. 'She just caught you sitting in your car outside her apartment. No use lying to her now. I should just be thankful she didn't call the cops.' A voice inside his head thought.
"I...uh...I wanted...needed to know that you were ok." He felt he owed her an explanation at the very least. She couldn't contain her smile at these words.
"Well why didn't you just come up and ask? You don't have to sit out here." She laughed slightly.
"I should...I should go home." Grissom nodded his head, worrying that the neighbourhood considered him a stalker. He tried to will his hand to turn the damn key and start the car.
"You are not driving home!" She informed him. He looked at her and was about to protest but she cut him off. "No way!" She wouldn't allow it. "Grissom when I came down here you were fast asleep. You probably haven't slept since we started this case. Either way you're in no fit state to drive!" She told him. He blinked at her. He knew she was right.
"So the way I see it you have two options here. You can either come up to my apartment and get some rest there or I can drive you back to you place. Which will it be?" He didn't want to go back to his place. His place was big and empty. She wasn't at his place.
"Would you mind if I came up?" He asked her meekly in a voice hardly louder than a whisper. She flashed him a bright, gap-toothed smile that warmed his heart and opened his door.
"Come on." He exited the vehicle and she led him to her apartment.
When they got inside he looked around and took in his familiar surroundings. This wasn't the first time he'd been inside her apartment but it was the first time he'd taken the time to actually study the place. It was simple yet elegant; much like Sara herself. The walls were decorated with more books than photographs; she even had a case of butterflies, this made Grissom's heart flutter with excitement. She was comfortable with bugs. She offered him a drink or something to eat, he declined. She asked when the last time he had eaten was; he couldn't remember. She instructed him to take a seat while she went into the kitchen and prepared him and sandwich and a cup of coffee.
"If you don't want coffee there's tea, apple juice, orange juice, soda or water." She informed him as she sat the tray of food down on the coffee table in front of him. He smiled and thanked her for everything, telling her that coffee would be just fine. She moved back into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. He hadn't realised it until she set the sandwich down in front of him that he was starving. He began to eat the sandwich gratefully.
'Why is she being so nice? Why is she being so calm? Is that the book I bought her for Christmas?' He noticed the book nestled in her book collection. He wondered what she was thinking. She must have a thousand questions about what he was doing outside her house in the middle of the night. She must think he's crazy. How was he going to explain himself?
She returned from the kitchen, her mug of coffee in hand and sat down on the chair facing him. This was the first time he noticed what she was wearing, or not wearing as was the case. She wasn't wearing very much; a pair of loose fitting shorts and a tank top, over which she had pulled a sweatshirt to fend off the cold when she went out to his car. Grissom's blood boiled at the sheer amount of skin he was privy to. He forced himself to aver t his gaze and finish his sandwich. Sara remained silent, allowing him to finish his food before she spoke.
"Feel better?" She asked with a smile.
"Much." He smiled back.
"Good." She smiled almost playfully and leant forward to set her mug down on the table. "So, now do you think you could tell me what you were doing outside?" She asked. She didn't sound angry or creeped out or scared, just curious. Curious and possibly even hopeful. He looked deep into her eyes and realised he was falling into them. He coughed and shifted his gaze to the floor. He knew he had to be honest with her. This was his chance to tell her how he felt; opportunities don't come much plainer than being caught sort of stalking someone. He also knew if he messed this up he had no hope of getting another chance to explain to her, to win her over, to be with her. He was determined not to mess up again.
"When I dropped you off," He began. "I stayed to make sure you got inside safely. And then I stayed to make sure you got up to your apartment safely. Then when I knew you were in your apartment safely I tried to leave; but I couldn't Sara." He looked up from the floor and back into her eyes. She was smiling ever so slightly. He looked down; her neck was still scratched from the attack earlier. Gingerly he raised his hand to her neck; his fingers grazed her skin but just barely. He blinked away the tears that formed in his eyes. "Does it hurt?" His voice came out a little strained. She shook her head and blinked away tears of her own. This is it, he told himself. Now or never. He inhaled deeply. In the heat of the moment he moved closer to her and started to pour his heart out. Everything he wished he had told her, everything he knew he should have told her sooner flowed freely from his mouth; for once he was letting his heart rule over his head.
"God Sara when I saw him there with the shard to your neck...I've never been more afraid in my life. I thought I was going to lose you! And it terrified me!" He reached out and took her hand. "It made me realise how stupid I've been."
"I don't want to spend the rest of my life pushing you away because I'm afraid of what might happen if I let you get too close because tonight I realised that there's one thing that scares me more than having you and losing you, it's losing you without ever knowing. Sara, you could have died tonight! You could have died and I never would have got to know what it feels like to hold you in my arms. Or what it would feel like to wake up beside you in the morning. You could have died and I never would have known what it feels like to kiss you." A tear made its way down his cheek as he spoke, he continued though afraid that if he stopped he would clam up and not be able to finish telling her how he feels.
"I don't want that to happen Sara. I'm done with pushing you away. I'm done with being afraid of what might happen. I done with trying to pretend to myself and everyone else that I don't love you when I do. I love you Sara. With every single piece of me I love you. Please, tell me if I have a chance." Another tear fell down his cheek. "Please, tell me I'm not too late." He breathed deeply.
She sat in silence for a minute, tears streaming down her cheeks, as his words sunk into her brain.
"Do you...do you mean that?" She asked him. Her voice sounded strained.
"Every single word." He took her other hand in his too and gave them both a gentle squeeze. "Sara I've been a stupid, moronic man. I've been completely unfair to you. I understand if you can't move past all that; I really don't deserve your forgiveness but if I hadn't told you all that, if I hadn't at least tried; then I would have spent the rest of my life wondering. Tonight I decided I would act for once instead of wondering." He sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor again. "Yes Sara, I meant every word."
"Grissom." She removed her hand from his and used it to raise his head to look at her. "I'm not going to lie to you; you have hurt me in the past. And I'm not going to pretend that it didn't happen just because you finally admitted to your feelings." His heart sank and his face fell. Her lips pulled up into a small smile as she continued. "But...You could never be too late." It was simple, but it was meaningful. His head snapped up and he looked deep into her eyes.
"Really?" Had she really forgiven him? Was this really going to happen? She nodded. He heaved a sigh of relief and their eyes locked. The air around them filled with that intense heat they had both become accustomed to over the years, only this time, there was something different about it. Looking deep into her eyes he leaned forward and closed the gap between them. Capturing her lips with his own he finally got to experience what it felt like to kiss Sara Sidle.
At first the kiss was slow and meaningful; they were pouring their hearts out to each other through their lips. Her hands clutched the back of his neck while his got lost in her hair. Eventually the kisses began to heat up as years of pent up desire and sexual frustration finally found their outlet. He removed his hands from her hair and grabbed her around her waist pulling her from her seat into his lap. The kisses deepened and their hands explored each other's bodies. It was weird, it was different but it felt right and like they had been doing it all their lives.
After a while Sara pulled away, breathless. She smiled widely at him and he returned it. They didn't need to say anything about what was happening; it had all already been said in words unspoken. His hands tenderly stroked her arms as he gazed at her in awe. This was really happening. She was sitting in his lap, kissing him and hugging him and allowing him to do the same. To him it was nothing short of a miracle.
"I love you Sara Sidle!" He said proudly, glad he could finally tell her.
"I love you too Griss!" Her words filled him up with happiness, with pride, with excitement, with desire. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a tight squeeze and a soft kiss. Her fingers absent mindedly teased the curls at the back of his neck. The moment was blissful. He wanted to stay that way forever.
A question suddenly made its way inside his head.
"Hey, how did you know I was out there?" He asked her, his brows furrowed in his confusion. She let out a little laugh. It was the cutest noise he had ever heard.
"My neighbour called me, 'cause I'm a cop. She said there was some guy parked outside." She cocked her head to one side and smirked at him. "You were scaring my neighbours!" She left. He blushed slightly, hiding his face in her chest. "I'm glad you did." She said quietly in his ear. She felt him smile against her skin before he pulled his head up, smiled and kissed her.
"Me too." He whispered into her lips.