I wrote this for an english project, I enjoyed writing it immensely. Note: Was originally meant to be read aloud/performed. Also, I dont own God or Satan. Be glad.

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One day in heaven God and the angels were having a business meeting. Church membership had reached an all-time low. But God was not troubled.

"I'll just create more people to worship me!"

"Uh, God, you cant do that." said his lawyer.

"But I'm God."

"It goes against your contract-"

"Do I look like I care about the contract?"

"No, sir."

But the good lawyer was able to, after thirty minutes of gag-inducing flattering, to remind God of a girl born twelve years ago who would grow up to have many followers, and that as the girl was currently agnostic, he would do well to take advantage of this opportunity.

"I've got it!" God cried "I created a girl twelve years ago who's going to grow up and be a leader, but I don't think she's chosen a religion yet-so all I gotta do is get her on my side right now, while she's still young and stupid!"

Jesus came in and interrupted the meeting; God had a visitor.

"Son, what have I told you about-"

"Helloooo God…." The devil sang as he shoved past Jesus and into the room.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Lucifer." said God.

"Satan."

"Whatever…what do you want?"

"Well, well, well, I just wanted to let you know that Lucielle is moments away from conversion…."

God got nervous.

"Elaborate on that for me?"

"Of course," the devil grinned "I sent two of my kids down there to talk to her about Satanism and all the cool stuff that comes with it."

"I didn't know spending eternity burning in hell was 'cool'."

"Well those choir robes aren't exactly in style either." Satan laughed.

God turned to the congregation, "Excuse us."

"Are you sure you should speak to him without a lawyer present?"

God turned his wrathful gaze upon his poor, trembling lawyer.

"I swear- one more smart remark and you're going home with him!" He gestured towards Satan.

"but-"

"NOW!"

The poor woman scurried as fast as her neck-breaker heels would allow, and so did everyone else. Once they were alone, Satan and God decided to make a deal….

"Okay, here's the deal- if you convince Lucielle to convert to your side, then one-third of my followers will suddenly have a 'change of heart' and go to your side….but if you fail, one-third of your followers will be mine."

"That would help out my membership problem quite nicely….."

"Just think….bragging rights." God grabbed his hand and they shook on it.

Down on Earth, Lucielle Candide was sitting on a swing at her school playground, listening attentively to the two Satanist children. They told her that you could do whatever you wanted, and as long as you did Satan's bidding, you got whatever you wanted- and the best part was that "Satan's bidding" was just living your life, having fun, and not bothering anyone else-unless they bothered you first, then it was okay. Growing up in a devout Christian family, she was fascinated by a religion that was so laissez-faire and shameless….outwardly she seemed unconvinced, but it was melting away each minute….it couldn't hurt to try it out…they seem happier than my catholic friends….

"Normally we don't really try converting people…" said the girl.

"But The Dark Lord Himself asked us to talk to you!" said the boy, a look of awe on his face.

"Well, she is rather important." said a voice behind the two.

The boy and the girl turned around and cried out "it's you!" before flinging their arms around the stranger….it was The Dark Lord Himself…being smothered by adoring children. Satan pat their heads and looked at Lucielle.

"I wanted to get here before the old fool did, hopefully with enough time to have a personal chat. Is that alright with you?"

Lucielle nodded, a bit speechless…after all, the devil himself was right in front of her. And he didn't look anything like a goat, and he was blond- imagine that! Satan gave the ecstatic children ice-cream and completed homework for the next week, who squealed with delight and ran off to enjoy the rest of their recess.

"Okay honey, here's what's up. God's going to be here in a minute to try to convert you to one of his religions. I don't want that to happen…" He kneeled down on the ground next to her "He'll use you to spread guilt and self-righteousness throughout the world, to promote ignorance and intolerance- and all in the name of the good and holy. Do you want to put the world through another thousand years of this inane misery?"

"Do you want to send everyone to hell?"

The Heavenly Father Himself had appeared on the play-ground. Satan stood to face his eternal adversary and good friend.

"About time you got here, you old slow-poke."

"Young lady, do not listen to anything this young dunderhead says, he is a pathological liar."

"Actions speak louder than words, old man."

The plot comes to a stand-still because God and Satan get into an insults contest for the next twenty minutes, during which Lucielle became rather confused because she didn't know if she should laugh or run for a dictionary, so hard were the two supernatural beings trying to avoid the low, vulgar language they usually used whenever they were together. It was still very vulgar, but the vocabulary was so advanced that the girl's ears remained untarnished. Eventually Satan says something that makes God cry, which means the plot can move forward again.

Satan turned to Lucielle.

"So, made up your mind sweetheart?"

"Not so fast, I haven't stated my case." said God.

"Hurry up."

"Lucielle Carlotta Candide, this is a big decision for someone your age-"

"Don't condescend to the girl, her age is no factor in her decision-making capabilities."

"AND there are many choices, you can choose to be Baptist, Lutheran, Puritan, Amish, Mormon, Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic, Evangelical, Angelican, Jewish, Protestant, Nazarene, Mennonite -"

"The Big Three! Just give her the Big Three, or we'll be here for another week while you list of all of your idiotic denominations."

"Christianity, Judaism, Islam."

"Or Satanism." the devil interjected.

"Well, I…I don't know." It wasn't the easiest thing to say "no" to god, or the devil.

"Let's go on a trip, maybe it'll help you decide." said God.

And the battle began in earnest.