Another night, and this one isn't with him...
I've never been so lonely; I didn't even know it was possible.
He does have his duties, I know.
He has his places to be, things to do, people to meet.
I know. I can't have him all the time.
But I worry so...
Is he...with someone else?
Is he sharing things that should only belong to me?
Maybe someone else has seduced him.
Maybe he's forgotten the tears in my eyes when he left.
Or how tightly I held him that night.
What if he's not thinking of the smile that only he sees?
What if he's forgotten his promise to see me again?
My declarations of love...my insistence that he kiss me before he went...
Alone, I can do nothing but think.
And I always think the worst.
Why isn't he home yet?
Why hasn't he come back to reassure me he was faithful?
And can I even expect faithfulness and loyalty? What right have I?
What if I'm only wishing he would love me?
That face comes to mind, and I smile past the tears.
Those eyes as he said good-bye...
His words,
"Wait for me, lady."
Oh, he's always so smooth that way.
As if I could possibly do anything else.
Waiting as always, waiting as usual,
While he goes out into the world to conquer it with his unending charm.
Whatever he's doing,
Whoever he's with...
Even if he doesn't mean to, he's seduction without trying at all.
No one could possibly resist him.
Just one glance from those eyes,
A curve of those lips,
And he could have anyone completely captive and all his.
I'm no different; that's why I wait.
Clinging to my pillow, the one that smells like him, I try so hard to stifle those thoughts.
No, he's mine. He's thinking of me, too...
He wants to be with me, too. All he can think about is me.
...but what if that's not true? What if he isn't thinking of me at all?
What if he has someone better?
If he's...touching someone else...
If he's breathing in the ear of some woman,
Admiring her curves,
Listening to her voice...
I can feel my breath get heavier, and I could just scream in frustration.
Where the hell is he? How could he leave me?
Don't I deserve his attention?
Don't I deserve his love, after working so hard for so long just to have him...
Just to have him leave...again...?
Broken down, and I'm crying again.
How does he do this to me when he isn't even here?
It's not fair. It's not...
Clinging to that pillow tighter, staining it with tears,
I whisper his name, oh, so softly.
"Sebastian...my Sebastian..."
Quietly, talking to myself, talking to my absent lover,
"Sebastian."
He always likes to hear me say his name.
I could say it over and over, never let another word pass my lips...
Eyes closed, and I can feel his arms around me.
Just pretend, and that little comfort is so helpful.
Just in my mind, I know, but I can dream.
I'll go on wanting him all night, all week, for days and days until he comes back.
Until he comes back and I can sleep in his arms.
Until then,
It's tears and fears while I toss in bed and pray for sleep...