MISERABLE MEREDITH

Author's Note: This little drabble is set after season three. It is rated PG.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I do not own these places. Please don't sue.

"Do you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry?"- Chris Martin

I'm Miserable Meredith today. Izzy tells me so when I trudge down the stairs to breakfast. She scowls disapprovingly at me. Like she has any right at all to criticize.

I eat Cheerios out of the box and Izzy tells me again, for the one-hundredth time, that it was the right thing.

You weren't good for each other, she says. It shouldn't have been that hard.

I say nothing as she totters off to call George, who hangs up on her almost immediately. She's Hypocritical Izzy today. But I don't tell her so. Not today. I think she already knows. Plus, Alex has just walked in and scoffed at her. That says it all, really.

It's a Flippant Cristina who meets me in the parking lot. It would annoy me except that she's the only one with a clue. She says nothing to me about being Miserable Meredith and instead rants about her landlord.

I don't mention hers. She doesn't mention mine. Not today. We are the river Nile.

Bailey takes us on rounds, as usual. It's not the same without George though. I don't see him anymore. He works. I work. He's married. And my roommate is in love with him and she won't let it go.

Callie walks by us and Izzy stiffens. She mutters something under her breath. I'm angry at her childishness and defiantly smile at Callie as warmly as my miserable face can manage. When Sympathetic Callie smiles back I regret it. I join Izzy's mutterings and I become Bitchy Meredith.

Bailey sends me to the clinic and only Smarmy Alex gets a surgery. Outside it is dribbling, and the water runs down the windows like messy tears. Inside it is pouring.

Before lunch, a cheerleader comes in. A yellow uniform and a cheerless smile. Her boyfriend is with her. He thinks she's pregnant. I think she has cancer.

She cries and her boyfriend walks off. It's too much for him. I close the curtain and cry with her until the oncologist arrives. He frowns at me and Ballsy Bailey shows up and asks me where my head is.

I tell her it's on top of my shoulders, like always. She throws me out of the clinic but I don't care. Not today.

She tells me to go to The Pit. I go see the babies on the third floor. They're all scrunched up faces and blotchy skin. Their eyes are closed. All they do is sleep and cry. And I envy them.

Alex walks by me and tells me to come get lunch with him. I follow him to the cafeteria as he talks about his surgery. I'm not listening. Not until we're sitting down and Oblivious Izzy verbally attacks me again with her useless reassurances.

I snap at her. She walks off and Alex becomes Wise. He tells me to give her a break. That she's only trying to fix my life to help her forget about hers.

I say nothing and he tells me that it's okay that I'm Miserable Meredith today. Because tomorrow I might be Optimistic Meredith and it will make it all worth it. He tells me that tomorrow I could be the one trying to hold them altogether.

I love this Alex. I tell him so. He beams.

My shift has ended when I finally see him. In that Goddamn elevator. He gives me a small smile and he's Awkward Derek. But I love him anyway.

He asks me how I am but I'm Miserable Meredith and he's Clever Derek and he can see it all over me. It's leaking out of my pores.

He leans slightly towards me, as if wanting to say something. I smell his cologne and I see his five o'clock shadow and I could burst. He opens his mouth to speak and I want him to be Poetic Derek but he's still Clever Derek and he stops himself.

He gets off the elevator on the ground floor with me, but turns the other way, and I remain Miserable Meredith as I walk back to my car.

I want to be Carefree, Lovely and Happy. I want to be every adjective that describes a small child at the playground. I want my Beautiful Derek. I want my father to not hate me. I want to know my sisters. I want to not be jealous of my sisters. I want my friends to be happy. I want my perfect life. And I can't see it in my minds eye. There is only grey.

Today is not a good day.

Today I am Miserable Meredith. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a brighter adjective. And Izzy won't call George. And Alex will be Wise more often. And Mark won't take one of the temp nurses home. And Cristina will admit she misses Preston. And Derek will look at me like he used to. With the light in his eyes and the love in his smile and the lust in his chest.

But not today.

Author's Note: Thanks to my beta, AbundantFear. Reviews make me squee, so spread the love!