Memoirs of A Boy's Heart
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Kingdom Hearts.
Song: "Goodnight and Go" by Imogen Heap
Pairing: Roxas/Axel
Rated T: possible language, yaoi/shonen ai
Italics Lyrics
Chapter 1
This is the recollecting accounts of the time when Roxas and I first began our surreptitious affair. We were both scared and self-conscious, so we made a promise, no matter what, to keep our love a secret. At the time it sounded like a simple task, but the more time passed, the more the flame in my heart for him grew. I soon began to realize that secrecy is easier said then done.
-Say Goodnight and Go-
The green school yard was vacant, and so were the polished halls. All students at KH Academy were unhappily imprisoned in their classrooms, having knowledge thrust at them. I sat bored in the back of geometry class, glaring at the clock. It ticked mockingly in the silence, taunting us all. I had hated school then. It was too crowded, too conformed, too claustrophobic. I longed to be out exploring the world, or at least sitting at home staring mindlessly at a computer screen. Anywhere but geometry class would be great.
The teacher, Mr. Bates, sat in the front of the room at a long, wooden desk; his weathered face painted in the dull blue glow of an outdated laptop he refused to part with. The room was so noiseless it was stifling. I felt it driving me to insanity, the boredom was too much! The only sound was the occasional cough or the turning of pages. It reminded me of Chinese water torture, except instead of water they dripped proofs and equations on our heads. I wanted very much to escape.
To occupy my jaded mind I let my eyes wander around the room. I found a particular window caught my interest. In front of it sat Roxas, a boy one grade below me. I didn't know why at the time, but I was captivated by him. I watched as he stared out the window, daydreaming. The afternoon sun outlined his features in a golden white, making him look almost angelic with his blonde hair glowing. I had the sudden impulse to touch him, make sure he was real. I shook my head. What the hell was I thinking?
As the hour continued, I couldn't shake him from my mind. The geometry assignment was left unfinished by the time the bell rang to dismiss me from my torture; and on to a new kind. I was one of the first ones out of the classroom. For some odd reason I decided to wait for Roxas to come out. I wanted to talk to him.
I had never really spoken to him before, never even heard of him. I wouldn't have even known his name save for the fact I cheated off his paper last week. He was part of the 'Nobody' crowd. I laughed in spite of myself. Why was I talking to a 'Nobody'?
I leaned against the cool cement wall, waiting for him to come through the door. He was surprised to see me there, not noticing I was waiting for him. He shot me a questioning glare before walking past me.
"Roxas?" I found myself calling his name before I even realized what I was doing. He stopped walking and turned around.
"…yeah?" I had never heard him speak before. He was always quiet in class. I felt a small shudder run down my spin for no apparent reason. His voice was something unworldly. I wondered why he was a 'Nobody' and not popular like his relative Sora.
I had to think of something quick. He was pretty smart so….
"Would you mind helping me with geometry later today?" I asked. I noticed his eyes were blue. Not just any blue, cerulean blue like a sunny sky. I found myself almost gawking.
He raised an eyebrow, curious. I was hoping it was because I asked him out of the blue to help me in math.
"Uh…sure..." He replied.
"I'll meet you after school then. Thanks!" I said smiling. Maybe I was too enthusiastic. Why the hell did I get so excited?
He nodded and flashed me a smile I have never forgotten. It was indescribable. He stole my breath away. I swore my heart stopped for a moment.
-Skipping Beats-
I quickly turned and ran down the rapidly emptying halls. Turning the corner, I pushed open the door to the men's restroom, almost knocking a nerdy freshman across the school hall in the process.
As I locked myself in a stall I heard the final bell ring. Tardy. Oh well. When I was sure everyone was gone I emerged from my hiding spot. Leaning against the porcelain sink, I stared at the mirror. My face was slightly red, but it wasn't noticeable, especially with my scarlet hair. I switched on the faucet, splashed my face with cold water. I believe I thought I was getting sick.
Since I was probably marked absent in chemistry class anyway, I decided to go to the library. I didn't usually go there unless forced, but it was a good place to just hide and gather your wits.
The librarian almost had a heart attack as I walked in through the door. I think she was shocked to see me here on my own free will. My eyes scanned over the countless bookshelves. I decided to go to the second floor because it was less used. It was mostly nonfiction up there after all. I sat down at a table by a window and practically glued my face to the glass. I was so wrapped up in sorting my thoughts that I didn't hear the bell ring, and I didn't hear someone sit down at the other end of the table. Another hour passed by.
The sound of a heavy book hitting the table with a thud broke my reverie. I looked up to see Roxas and his three friends working together on a project. A brown haired girl had just dropped the books on the table and stood up to leave. The bell rang again, announcing the last hour of the day.
"Roxas, we'll catch you later. Do you want to work on the project again tomorrow then?"
Roxas nodded to her suggestion without even looking up from his book. He looked engrossed with the pages. Roxas didn't seem to notice his friends gather their things and leaving.
I found myself watching him again. I liked how his blue eyes scanned the pages, liked how his face changed expressions while he read. I found myself walking over toward him.
"The bell rang, you know." I said, wondering if he knew he would be late. He jumped slightly at the sound of my voice. His sapphire eyes darted up at me. He quickly composed himself and shrugged.
He turned another page of the book, coming to the end of the chapter. He closed the cover with a sigh and got up almost hitting me. He didn't realize I hadn't left.
It was then, with that little physical contact made, I felt a spark like I had never felt. I knew at that moment why I was acting so strange, but I didn't want to think about it. I quickly turned and ran down the stairs and was out the door in a heart beat.
-Blushing Cheeks-
Déjà vu. Again I found myself in the bathroom staring at my flushed face. I glared at myself, glared at the blood that had risen to heat my visage. What the hell?
In just one day I had managed to tangle myself up in a knot of unfamiliar emotions. What changed? I didn't know. I still don't. But looking back I'm glad things did change.
The thought of seeing Roxas after school made my heart flutter and beat faster against my chest. I took that as confirmation to what I was wondering. Suddenly I felt a very heavy stone place itself on my shoulders.
--
The cool autumn air washed over me as I walked outside. Student milled around the school yard, sitting and chatting beneath the shade of great oak trees. I took a deep breath.
I spotted Roxas in the circle of those same three friends. They stood before a yellow bus; the doors wide open in anticipation. The bus driver looked haggard and impatient. Roxas nodded his head and waved goodbye to his friends and they retreated to the bus. The doors slammed shut in finality.
Before I could walk over I heard a big, familiar group behind me. They all called out my name, all thirteen.
"Axel! What do you want to do today?" One yelled.
"Sorry guys, but I have to get tutored on geometry, see ya around." I called before anyone could suggest something. I waved to them and walked down the steps.
I heard murmurs of "tutored? Yeah right! Probably some hot chick he's hitting on." "Since when does Axel give a shit about school" and my favorite "the apocalypse is near!" as I walked away from the group. I rolled my eyes and waited behind the corner until they left.
I looked around the crook to see if my friends had gone but was met with Roxas standing right in front of me. I believe I screamed….a little. Roxas laughed…a lot. I gave a laugh-it-off grin and asked where he wanted to study.
He yawned and looked at the sky, then down at his watch and shrugged.
"Hey, maybe we can grab some coffee at that place at the corner. We could study there…" I suggested. I wanted to slam my head against the wall for suggesting a dating spot.
-I Am Struggling-
Roxas considered it for a moment, and then nodded. He was very quiet, maybe shy.
We walked down the leaf-littered streets, admiring the vibrant hues in companionable silence. For some odd reason I felt odd at ease, and yet very edgy. It was hard to explain. I tried to strike up a conversation, and I quickly learned that Roxas had a lot to say.
Bells chimed as we entered the shop. The smell of rich coffee washed over us like a warm blanket. I closed my eyes. So did Roxas. We picked out a table in the corner, away and quiet.
We began talking. I realized we had a lot in common, shared similar thoughts. Our conversations were only interrupted by waitresses asking for our order or if they could take away the cups.
Every minute that passed I felt like I was delving deeper and deeper into Roxas's mind, into my own mind. He made me think things I had never thought of, made me smile at things I had never heard of.
My geometry was again forgotten, and I really didn't care. I never wanted this to end. When the store owner came to tell the store was closing, I left satisfied. I had made a new friend and had the promise of meeting him there again tomorrow.
--
Weeks passed blissfully in a similar fashion. Each day would be its own struggle, but was rewarded as soon as the final bell rang. My heart would begin to pound in anticipation as the students flooded out of school. I would always meet Roxas at the same corner under a large oak tree. That is what I was thinking of now, during the same old geometry class.
I imagined Roxas waiting there, the sunlight filtering through the colored leaves, leaving dappled shadows on his skin. He would be wrapped in his faded black jacket with his red scarf tucked tightly around him. He would smile that amazing smile as I approached, waving a little.
-Daydreaming-
"Axel!?!" Mr. Bates called out my name startling me from my fantasy. He was so close that it made me jump a little. I looked up to see him glaring down at me. I gulped.
"Get your head out of the clouds! What exactly do you find so funny?" He yelled, louder than necessary.
"Uh…nothing sir. I just thought postulate was a funny word." I retorted, grinning up at him.
The teacher rolled his eyes as the class snickered. I was relieved when the bell rang, releasing the giggling class. I sighed and gathered my things, dared to glance at Roxas. He was trying hard to suppress a laugh. I smiled to myself. I loved his laugh.
In all honestly he was the reason my attendance was so well this year. He was the reason I came to school; to witness a forced smile or halfhearted laugh. It put a smug grin on my face knowing that I was the only one who had heard his real laugh, seen his real smile. We had quickly become close friends in the past few weeks.
This time he was waiting for me outside of class. As we walked down the halls I passed my old group of friends. All thirteen of them glared at me, ignoring my existence. I didn't really mind. Roxas was more valuable then all of them combined. Unfortunately, though, Roxas's old friends were giving him the cold shoulder too. Well not technically Roxas, but me. I had stolen their friend from them. Roxas didn't seem to miss them that much either.
I leaned against the wall as Roxas searched through his locker. I watched his face closely, waiting for him to make some remark about my geometry fiasco.
"So postulate is a funny word then?" He laughed, shutting his locker. I could only smile and nod my head. I was blushing.
The feeling I always got around him grew overwhelmingly stronger. I bit back the urge to wrap my arms around him. He turned around to look at me, catching my eyes, forcing me to make eye contact. I dropped my gaze too quickly.
"What's wrong?" He asked, just as the warning bell rang. I suddenly was very glad for that bell.
Roxas cursed under his breath and waved at me.
"I'll catch you after school" he called out as he hurried down the hall.
"Yeah" I whispered to myself, feeling idiotic.
I decided to skip next hour again. My mind was too jumbled to go to class. The teacher rarely took attendance anyway. I slipped in silently and made my way to my usual corner. I slid down into a chair and rested my head against the table.
I was utterly confused. I had never been so attracted to someone like this before. I never knew I was gay. I felt extremely alone and disoriented. I wanted so badly to tell Roxas, but the fear of loosing my best friend nearly knocked the thought out of my mind. My heart raced at the idea of rejection from Roxas.
"What am I going to do?" I asked myself, sighing into the wood.
"About what?" I jumped at the unexpected reply. I knew without looking that Roxas was there.
"How did you get here?" I asked, changing the subject.
Roxas shrugged as he sat down across from me.
"Walked." He replied. He leaned forward on the table.
"Is there something bothering you Axel?" Roxas asked after a few minutes of silence.
It always amazed me at how quickly Roxas picked up on emotions, how observant he was. It was like we were tuned to the same frequency.
"I feel awkward." I admitted without realizing what I was saying.
"Hmm…how come?" Roxas asked, listening intently, watching my face.
I fidgeted under his patient gaze. Should I tell him? Should I lie? I knew he would see right through me if I told him anything but the truth. My breathing suddenly became jagged.
"We are best friends right?" I asked, unsure of myself.
Roxas nodded, a quizzical look on his face. Suddenly he looked slightly nervous too.
"You wouldn't hate me, no matter what, right?" I asked again.
Roxas nodded a second time, giving me a supportive smile. I felt a little stronger, but weaker at the same time. I wanted to pass out. I hoped he couldn't notice my hands were shaking.
That instant a million fears ran through my mind. What if he treats me differently? What if he gets scared and doesn't want to hang out? I scrambled to pick up the remnants of my courage before I lost it all.
"Roxas…I'm…g..gay." I said, spilling out the words for the first time. They seemed to tumble out of my mouth and just stay suspended in the air. I glued my eyes to his, waiting for a reaction.
Where I thought I would see disgust or question I saw relief and even….happiness. Roxas smiled at me in a way I had never seen him smile before.
"Axel…so am I!" He said, his words coming better than mine.
I thought I was going to faint from happiness and exhaustion. Relief shot through my body like a narcotic, numbing everything.
I laughed in spite of myself, and Roxas contributed a chuckle too. The whole moment was awkward and relieving and very, very wonderful. I suddenly didn't feel alone. The sun seemed to break through the storm clouds in my mind. A spectrum seemed to widen before my eyes. I was free from this burden that had been crushing me.
--
After school the sun was already waning. The October sky was a brilliant blue, standing in contrast to the warm hued leaves. I felt like everything was beautiful. I noticed for the first time how the sunlight fell on the leaves, letting them glow in their translucence as they overlapped. I noticed the crisp autumn air, the chilly breeze that caressed my face. I savored the day.
Roxas and I entered the coffee shop more cheerful then ever. After claiming our usual seats we went up to the counter to order. We both decided to get hot chocolate to celebrate our coming out.
We seated ourselves and sipped our drinks in silence. We chatted for a while about things most people wouldn't talk about. Roxas didn't like talking about inadequate things that would never be remembered. We discussed philosophies and our beliefs about the world, life. It struck me then, I didn't know much about Roxas's family or past and he didn't know much about mine.
"Hey Roxas, what's your family like?" I asked out of the blue, as Roxas was taking a drink from his mug.
The question must have caught him off guard because he choked for a second, successfully spilling his drink down the white shirt of his uniform. He sprang up, not even waiting to curse, and ran to the bathroom. I looked after him a moment, surprised, before following him in.
Roxas must not have heard the bathroom door open, because he didn't move. He leaned over the sinks, staring at the mirror. He saw me come stand behind him, turned around to face me.
"I'm sor-"I began but he held up his hand to stop me.
"No I'm sorry." He apologized, "I didn't mean to react like that."
I smiled and then looked down at his stained shirt.
"We better get you cleaned up."
Roxas nodded and turned on the faucet. He tried in vain to clean off his shirt, it was no use.
"I think I'll just take it off and stick it under the hand dryer" He said defeated.
I felt my stomach flip. He was about to unbutton his shirt and I couldn't take it anymore. In two strides I was standing before him, pressing my lips against his. For a moment he almost resisted, still in shock. But after a second, he kissed back. The touch of his lips against mine made all time stop, the world quit spinning. I drew my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me. I felt his smile against my mouth as he tangled his fingers in my hair. Indescribable.
He let me part his lips, my tongue meeting his, exploring his mouth. We broke apart after a long moment of not breathing. I felt heat rise instantly to my face as I struggled to catch my breath. I was about to open my mouth to say something when I found it again connected with his.
I found my hands wandering up his back, across his lean stomach. My hands fumbled clumsily with the buttons of his shirt. I had to force myself to be patient and not rip the fabric off. All the pent up feelings for him were flooding through the gates in an uncontrollable detonation. My breathing quicken, my heart pulsed. This feeling, it was so much like falling. The fear, the excitement, the adrenaline-beyond description.
I lifted Roxas onto the counter, leaning into him. His legs wrapped around me as he pulled me closer. Roxas soon broke away again, leaning his head back. I kissed down his neck and across his exposed collar bone. A moan escaped his lips, giving me a satisfying grin.
"Lock...the door" He said, between kisses. My hand felt against the bathroom door, jiggling the handle.
"No lock." I replied. I felt Roxas tense. I knew he was scared, like I was. He didn't want anyone else to know. At that moment I didn't care. But my thoughts caught up. No, it was our secret.
He slid off the counter, pushing me back gently. We somehow stumbled into a bathroom stall. I pressed him roughly against the flimsy metal wall, causing the door to bang open then slam shut. We had both jumped at the sound. We laughed as we broke apart, panting and smiling.
-Bed Scenes in the Corner Café-
Roxas looked up at me and suddenly worry filled his eyes.
"I better go." He said, buttoning his shirt and trying to smooth out the wrinkles. He quickly tidied up his mussed hair and was out the door before I could react. I stood there, again, just watching him go-too shocked and too happy to say a word.
By the time my brain had reconnected to my body, Roxas was already gone. I already began feeling the heat from his body leave me. I felt empty again, numb with longing. I shuddered as I shrugged on my coat and headed home, collecting and memorizing those shards of events. I never wanted to forget them.
-Then I'm Left In Bits-
-Recovering Tectonic-
-Tremblings-
-You Get Me Every Time-
As I walked down the darkening streets I couldn't help but wonder what I would do if I hadn't met Roxas. Before then, my life was boring and pointless. Now I had something to live for. It scared me that I depended on him so much already, without even realizing it. But these feelings, these emotions, were impossible to ignore. I was so incredibly joyful that I got to kiss him, finally touch him. It made my heart light to think that we could maybe be together. But I also ran the risk of loosing him.
-Why'd you have to be so cute?-
-It's impossible to ignore you.-
-Must you make me laugh so much?-
-It's bad enough we get along so well.-
-Say goodnight and go.-
The next few weeks I didn't even realize I had gone to school. It passed by in such a blur I don't remember a thing.
I hurried out of the building and beat Roxas to the oak tree. Now November, the branches of the old oak were barren, reaching toward the sky like gnarled, black fingers. A light dusting of snow covered the sidewalks and grass, swirling freely in the frosty air. I pulled my jacket tighter around me.
Roxas emerged from the building, hands crammed in his pockets, feet scuffing the ground. Ever since the cafe incident, Roxas had been paranoid people would see us. It must have been a good thing, because we started hanging out at my house since I lived in town close by.
Roxas gave me a grin as his eyes darted all around us. Everyone had already left. I had watched the yellow buses pull out of the parking lot. I laughed at his cautiousness and kissed him on the cheek. His skin felt warm against my lips. It was too cold out.
Roxas asked if I minded if he listened to music on our way home. I said I didn't mind. It gave me some time to think, and I knew he liked to listen to music after school to unwind from all the stress. We walked side by side down the slushy sidewalks to my apartment.
Our hands brushed sometimes, if I walked too close. In a quick second Roxas would lace his fingers through mine, and then drop them in the blink of an eye. He was too good at keeping secrets.
As we walked I could hear the faint sound of his music. I loved his taste in bands. I recognized an Imogen Heap song playing and tried to follow along.
-Follow you home,-
-You've got your headphones on-
I liked watching Roxas as he listened to music. His lips followed the words in silence. I would sometimes find him dancing along. It always made me laugh. Today he danced down the sidewalk a head of me. My laughs formed small clouds that floated into the gray sky.
-And you're dancing-
I turned the key in my apartment door. It creaked as I pushed it open. It always seemed to stick in the winter. Roxas liked that I lived alone, he liked my apartment. It was nice to have freedom, but it got unbearably lonely sometimes.
We dumped our things on the floor and began our after school custom. After the first few days of coming here, Roxas had made himself at home. He already knew where everything was, already left some of his belongings here. I went to the kitchen to get a drink.
Roxas wandered to the living room. I watched as he pulled his shirt over his head, already changing out of his school clothes. I laughed. Roxas was so incredibly handsome it was almost unnerving. It again surprised me that he wasn't popular. But then again, I was lucky he wasn't. After he was dressed, Roxas walked to the window and spread the curtains wide. He always like to be able to see the city lights in the distance, watch the cars speed by down below.
-Got lucky,-
-Beautiful shot-
-You're taking everything off-
-Watch the curtains wide open-
After a few minutes of leaning against the glass, Roxas plopped down on the couch, switching on the television. He was waiting for me. I quickly went to my room, changed, then came and sat next to him, draping one arm around his shoulder. Roxas leaned against me and closed his eyes. I turned down the volume and listened as he talked to me of things only he could say.
-And you're following the same routine-
-Flicking through the TV-
-Relaxed and Reclining-
Somedays Roxas felt contemplative and depressed. He would cuddle in my embrace, telling me any thought that passed through his mind. He tells me how he sometimes hates being labeled "Nobody". How he felt so alone before he met me, even though he had a few friends. He said he never had a friend so close to him like I was. Someone who truly understood him, thought like him. It scared me, actually, how much we thought alike.
-And you think you're alone-
Roxas ended up falling asleep in my arms. I watched how his chest fell up and down calmly, listened to his quiet breathing. I loved the way his dark blonde eyelashes brushed against his cheeks, how his face looked so innocent as he slept. He really was an angel, must have been. Heaven had made a mistake and sent him down to me instead of a human. I slid my fingers between his, just holding him there. I was glad we were together.
-Why'd you have to be so cute?-
-It's impossible to ignore you-
-Must you make me laugh so much?-
-It's bad enough we get along so well-
-Say goodnight and Go-
I knew in a few hours I would have to wake him and he would have to leave to catch the subway-like always. I found a hint of bitterness in me at the thought he couldn't stay the night. I knew I wouldn't ask him. I couldn't help what my mind thought of though. I held him tighter, noting how cold my apartment had gotten.
-One of these days, you'll miss your train-
-and come stay with me-
-It's always say goodnight and go-
-We'll have drinks and talk about things-
-Any excuse to stay awake with you-
-You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there-
-But then the heating my be down again-
-At my convenience-
I knew all these thoughts were foolish, but I wanted it so bad. It isn't a crime to dream. I knew one day he would stay with me though. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.
-We'd be good, we'd be great together-
I looked down at Roxas. At that moment he woke from his peaceful dreaming, blinking up at me with a groggy smile. I felt my heart leap. I wrapped my arms tighter around him, leaned down and kissed him. I felt his warm breath mingle with mine as I rested my forehead against his.
-Why'd you have to be so cute?-
-It's impossible to ignore you-
-Must you make me laugh so much?-
-Its bad enough we get along so well-
-Say goodnight and go-
"I guess I'd better get going " Roxas whispered after catching a glimpse of the clock. I frowned but nodded.
"Goodnight" He said, kissing me one more time before getting up from the couch.
"Goodnight" I breathed. I watched him shrug on his coat and backpack. I walked him to the door, kissing him once more before I opened it.
He walked out into the cool night and the stood in the yellow light of the street lamps. I watched him leave until the darkness swallowed him.
-Why is it always, always goodnight and go?-
-Darling, not again-
--
To any passers by the incident wouldn't have been worth mentioning. A blonde haired boy stood on the platform of a station, watching his train pull away. The wind from the machine flirted and tangled his hair, the florescent lights casting beautiful shadows across his face. He stood like a content statue, not regretting, not chasing after the last train for the night. For most, the train's passing would interest you more, but something about this boy keeps you watching. Before he turns to go back to the street you catch a glimpse of a smile that could steal your breath away.
-Say Goodnight and Go-
AN: Thank you very much for reading! Please leave a review if you can, it is very appreciated! Next chapter coming soon. Super yaoi!
Also please check out CoffeeandRiku's works. This story was inspired by her story "I'm Going to Get You No Matter What".