I present to you...my newest story! I haven't been on here for a while but FFT is too good to pass up writing a good story on. I also wanted to try a little more "in-universe" humor intead of the stuff I've been doing where it's just references and not actually making fun of the game itself. However, you can still expect to see some mentions of Lisa's Treehowz. I will probably make fun of game mechanics, the AI, plotholes, and more. Enjoy!

FFT: The Not So Brave Story

Chapter 1: What is This Nonsense?

Greetings, people. I am your lovely narrator who is also a random generic guy. I could start this off with some weird cheesy "the camera fades in and spins so that it looks really cool" thingy, but the cameraman seems to be absent or seems to be demolishing our hard earned pizza stash at the moment. Anyways, our story starts off with a princess chick in a church praying or whatever. There is also a badass chick and some priest dude guy who's class isn't even used in the game for anything important.

"Oh God, please forgive us sinful children of Ivalice..." The princess chick prays.

"Ovelia, Let's go! It's been almost an hour! Your guards are here, and I need to use the bathroom!" The badass chick, named Agrias, exclaims.

The Priest guy, Simon Not-Belmont, starts talking. "You heard the bodyguard."

There is a rap on the door, and a voice is then heard from outside.

"We've been here for the past hour. Don't you fools have any sense of time? Screw this, we're barging in." A gruff voice states.

All of the sudden, what was formerly a door is now a gaping hole in the wall. A knight dressed in thick, menacing armor steps his way through the rubble, and two other men follow.

Only for them to get berated by a quite grouchy Holy Knight.

"Haven't you guys ever heard of a door? And don't be rude to the princess, that's my job!" Agrias chastises.

"Hey, I'm being more than kind to the guard captians here. And besides, we're only mercenaries hired by the Hokuten. I'm not obliged to show respect to you." The man, Gafgarion, replies snarkily and starts prodding Agrias with a stick.

"How dare you! And stop prodding me with a stick that I wasn't aware your base class could even equip in the first place!"

Then Ovelia finally decides to get the show on the road. "Enough, let's go."

"Yeah! Level 5 Holy!" Rad, one of Gaff's lackeys who apparently has level 5 calculator unlocked for some reason, exclaims.

The devastating attack hits Gaff and Agrias, but everyone else is fine. The attack isn't lethal considering male squire's low magic, but it is enough to get the two to stop fighting. After a couple of level 5 cure 2's, they are up and running again.

All of the sudden, a wounded knight lady rushes into the room.

"Lady Agrias! The enemy!"

At that, Agrias rushes out hurriedly.

"What one must do to make money...Ramza, is there a problem?" Gafgarion questions.

"Yeah, your mustache looks funny. Umm...I mean nothing. I'm no longer a knight, just a mercenary like you."

"Good. And by the way, Ramza, the door is going on your paycheck." Gaff decides aloud.

"But that's completely unfair!" Ramza exclaims, turning to Rad. Neither of them liked their boss due to his apparent thirst for money and his tendancy to hold his "contract" up against anything they tried to do.

"Meh, let's just roll with it for now. We're rebels plotting rebellion, after all." Rad says.

-Outside-

"What is wrong with Duke Goltana? Does he want to start a war?" Agrias wonders aloud.

"Never mind that. Let's focus more on the fact that they are attacking from the front rather than from the back. Isn't that a stupid strategic decision?" Alicia, one of the knights at Agrias's side, notes.

"Easy solution! We just kill everyone! Ramza, Rad, follow me!" Gaff orders.

Gaff charges straight for Lezales and swings his sword confidently in a large arc. However, the resulting Night Sword fails to dent the knight's composture. "Just what I needed to ruin my day even more, dang compatability," Gaff grumbles. Ramza however decides to play it more strategically, and tosses a stone into the nearest archer's face to attract and distract.

"I am the great Dish! And you do not hurt the great Dish! Because I am the great Dish! Now feel the wrath of...the Great Dish!" Despite rolled eyes, the 'Great Dish' crouches down and looks constipated for some reason as he charges up for a charge+1 attack. Showing no hesitation, Agrias preps her sword to midcharge the attack.

"Life is short! Bury! Steady Sword!" Agrias exclaims as several crystals of ice form above Dish and crash down, stopping him in his tracks. "Wait a minute...Steady Sword? That is clearly supposed to be Stasis Sword."

"Maybe the translators had little money," Lavian suggests, as she and Alicia head over to the left to take down Fukes the Chemist. Infinite potions or not, the two Lionsguards knock him out with relative ease. Seriously, the guy isn't even important enough to get his own line of dialogue.

"Yes, because our names are not badly translated versions of Star Wars characters. Definitely not." Wezaleff the archer brings up, then shoots Ramza with his bow as he is parrying blows from Lezales.

"The Great Dish has run into a problem! The Great Dish cannot use All Swordskill with a longbow! The Great Dish will shoot from his longbow instead for the time being!" Barely alive and just recovering from stop, The Great Dish tries to shoot Gaff but he swiftly turns to the side and blocks the attack with his Gold Shield. One Night Sword knocks the annoying archer unconscious.

"Yeah, pardon my teammate. He's always like that, and it's SO annoying. Now excuse me but I am going to have to kill you now." Viggs the archer explains and preps a charge+1 on a critical Alicia, who is then knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile, while Agrias is distracted by the stupidity of the situation, Lezales waltzes up and good-compat weapon breaks the crap out of her. "Hey! That was my only sword! If only I had Monk training..."

But Ramza then walks in front of Lezales and strikes right through his frontal evasion, knocking the knight onto his knees. Agrias follows up with a good old punch to the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto the ground.

Gaff approaches Rad who is sitting at his starting position still. "Rad, now would be the time to use that weird skill thingy that targets the whole map. What are you doing just standing there while the rest of us fight? That's MY job."

"That's weird. I seem to have forgotten all of that calculator stuff." Rad says, grinning slightly because he knows he's ticking off Gafgarion.

"You think you're being funny, boy? That's going off your paycheck." Gaffy states.

"Oh well, time to stand in place and raise my arm up like an idiot while I hope I don't get hit." Rad says and starts charging a fire spell on Viggs.

Viggs goes down to a fire spell and a Night Sword courtesy of Gaff, while Ramza and Lavian finish off Wezaleff. The fight ends there. Lavian, who has item secondary, rushes over to Alicia and uses a phoenix down on her. Of course, nobody expresses any remorse for their enemies because all of the units are flagged immortal and thus have the stars above their heads and will never crystalize.

Before you ask, Rad really does have level 5 calculator unlocked during the opening cutscene. Gaff and Agrias are both level 10 while everyone else is not a multiple of 5, so that's why I used level 5 holy. And Rad and Ramza are involved in a sort of "contest" to see who can tick off Gafgarion more, rebels plotting rebellion indeed.

Pop Quiz: What zodiac sign is Lezales here?