Better for You

"I want to be better for you," Alex whispered into the soft blonde curls of Paige's hair, trying not to disturb the beauty from her sleep. She threw her legs over one side of the bed, and grabbed her suitcase that was packed. She watched the rise and fall of her lover's chest underneath the silky white covers in amazement, even if it was for this one last time. With one last over of the blonde and a grip on the doorknob, Alex was gone into the night.

Paige woke up with a startle realizing that Alex was not present in her embrace. She looked around the room, blinking her dreamy eyes; the room seemed so empty and dark. There were no signs of Alex anywhere. All her clothing was gone, her hairbrush and pillow had long vanished, along with her scent. Paige realized that the dream she just had wasn't a dream at all. It had actually occurred a month prior. She tried calling Marco, Alex's mom, and even tried wrestling Alex's where-abouts out of Jay, but no one knew her location. Nor did anyone know where to find her.

Paige knew that she was the closest one to Alex. And she wondered if that's what Alex wanted. One person to wonder about her and the rest not be able to help find her, so she could disappear at any moment. Paige clutched her blankets tight around herself. Her body began to shake and tremble as tears began to fill the corners of her eyes. It was one of the hottest months of summer that Degrassi had ever seen and yet she felt frozen all July.

She picked up the pieces of her heart that had started to scramble onto the bed, she was getting better at waking up alone. What she wasn't getting use to was going through the day without Alex. She had had several mental breakdowns wondering where she had gone. Was she dead in a ditch somewhere? Was she whoreing herself for male company? Was she just not good enough for Alex? She didn't have any answers to the questions that penetrated her brain daily and drove her insane.

She walked down the hallways to her bathroom to take a shower. She step into the icy cold porcelain tub and felt numb. The hot water hitting her skin couldn't even keep the tears from falling down and around her hand that was covering her face. She felt like she would die without Alex. Even after all this time, no one else could replace the fire that Alex made her feel. At first she felt like it was wrong, that her love for Alex could just be a fluke in time and the little misshape would soon be fixed and her life would go back to talking about cheerleading and boys. But now she focuses on school, and the girl who ran away.

Alex shifted herself under her bedsheets. She looked around at the beaten up apartment building she had been renting the last month. The cracking wallpaper, leaking roof, and dripping faucet were the least of her worries. She was worried about Paige. She knew she wasn't ready just yet to run back and sweep the blonde off her feet with the two dollars she had in her pocket and the low paying job and the low rent apartment. No way would Paige live like this for her, she believed and went on with getting ready for work.

So walked outside to her car, the only thing she had going for her: A Dodge Charger, 1969 classic that she got from Jay. He was the only person who knew where she had gone, because she knew he'd rather die before telling Paige anything. She hated herself for keeping her location a secret from Paige, but she thought it in her best interest till she got on her feet and could provide for them both.

Slipping out the back door on Paige, probably wasn't the best idea, but Alex wasn't' ready to face the life that they would have to serve together if Alex hadn't left when she did. "Maybe in a few months," she thought to herself, "Then I'll go back."

Paige dusted herself off and picked herself up from the breakdown in the shower as more girls started to pour into the campus community bathroom. She barely smiled at one of the girls that kept staring, and on her way out she heard one of them say, "It's that dyke that lives around here…"

She went back to her dorm and felt a twinge of sadness go through her side when she closed the door. The twinge turned into a burn and a pinch and then escaladed into tearing at her flesh, as she broke down again and started crying. A part of her wanted to curse the day she ever kissed Alex back, curse the time she spent with her, the times they made love and all of the kisses. She wanted to forget how good it felt to fall asleep in her lovers arms and know that the next day she'll be right there, or down the hallway making pancakes into funny shapes with little strawberries placed just so to make a heart. That was always her favorite. The way Alex would turn every day into something that seemed like a holiday or a vacation.

Everything was alright, until the day Paige woke up and the vacation was over. She remember the morning after so perfectly. She woke up and Alex wasn't beside, which was unusual on a Friday morning, but she thought maybe she'd forgotten an event (ex: When there first kiss was, when there first date was, the first time they made love) but when she got herself into the kitchen, there wasn't anyone there. No sweet smell of heart shaped strawberries, and no pancakes in funny shapes.

Just complete emptiness.

Alex drove to her job at the quickie mart in Vancouver. She moved a bazillion miles away from Paige, for what? Two part time jobs and a broken down palace. Her life was still moving nowhere fast, and to keep Paige, she needed a bit more to show for then just a flashy car.