Deceit: A Story of Masks

Part I - Masks

Summary: She's always changing, shifting, trying to find a way for everyone to love her. If there's something off about her, she makes sure to hide it, conceal it until it's not there and show a side that everyone can love. Will love. She makes sure every day that the desperation doesn't leak out of her eyes and turn them black with fear. ~ A story of shadows and masks and how someone doesn't really get over betrayal from the love of their life.

A/N: Okay, okay, so I watched Breaking Dawn (Part 1) and I totally got sucked back into the world of Twilight. Haven't been here in a while now, in fact, I deleted those awful stories I wrote at first for this fandom.

A darker look at Twilight, trying to get past all the fluffy true love. Something that relaly bugged me when I read New Moon was how easily Bella forgave Edward. He left her just like that and she doesn't even question the fact that he might still be lying to her? So I decided to plan another foray into the Twilight fandom. Hope you enjoy!

Edit: So I got hit with this brilliant idea for an EPOV version of this and it just kind of expanded to encompass the Cullens in general so I'm going to be adding on to this concept.

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When their eyes first met she'd never have thought that he'd one day be her love, her life and her everything. When she first looked into those coal blacked eyes, filled with hatred and suppressed hunger she'd felt afraid. It was only when she had first seen him in that meadow that she knew that she was in love. It was then that she had first felt that terrifying fear that she wasn't good enough for him.

Of course, she'd had heard rumors before. She had even seen that ethereal beauty with her own two eyes. But never had she thought he'd so something so enthralling, so supernatural. She felt that crippling fear then. He was so perfect, so wonderful and she was… nobody.

That fear went away after a while. She had been lost in his wonderful liquid topaz eyes. She had been lost in the whispered reassurances in her ear. She had been lost in the soft "I love you"s.

For a while, she truly felt like she fit in. She had truly felt like part of something bigger than herself. She remembered the blissful feeling in her heart everyday as she drove to the secluded mansion in the woods, or when she held hands with him in the hallway, or ever when she had sat with his family and laughed about mundane things at lunch. She never felt that way before. In a school of well over 2000 people she had never been anything special.

She could laugh now. How she longed for that safe blanket of security again. How she wished there was no constant agony, eating away at her soul.

Bella Swan is nobody special, and she'd never be.

So she makes an effort to be interesting.

Because that day, when he led her into the woods and told her that he didn't want her, that he didn't love her, she died. She felt his promise shattering into pieces. She felt his love die. It never faded away like the soft glow of the sun at twilight, instead it fell like a marionette with its strings cut, leaving her dark and alone and cold in the night without even the moon to guide her way.

That's how she felt for a long time. That the night sky was so dark and lonesome and that she didn't have anything tying her to the Earth any longer. She could just jump and lose herself forever. But she restrained, because she still had people loving her. Still, she felt like she was dying, she felt her fingers slowly grow cold. The feeling was foreign, strange. Before he had left she felt like she could climb a mountain, scale a cliff; after, she felt like she had climbed that mountain only to be left behind in the snow, slowly freezing to death. She had shivered and breathed the freezing air.

She felt like she could shatter into so many pieces, like she could melt away if left alone. Like a statue, so cold and alone and numb and still and dead. And it was so dark all the time she didn't know if she would ever warm up.

She had no moon and for the time being, she had no sun.

Not until the sun had risen from the mountains that caged it.

And she loved her sun in his own way. With his sunny smiles and his warm embrace she felt warm again. But there was still that constant fear, that constant ache. She kept herself from being reassured this time, because she knew that Bella Swan wasn't anybody.

She kept herself reserved. Though she had longed for someone to answer her calls since the cold settle in, when that someone came, she didn't allow herself to love him as he loved her. She could feel the love from him and she could feel the aching disappointment. But she didn't cave and she didn't let herself make him happy. She knew it wasn't fair, she knew she was depriving him of the comfort he had offered her. But she couldn't bring herself to see the possibilities beneath the surface, not when it had ended in such disaster last time she had.

Still, she loved their quiet afternoons spent together. Hanging around in his garage, laughing. Even talking about Sam Uley's "gang" and how his long-time friend had been 'corrupted' was a welcome change from her constant numbness. Even the awkward movie with Mike that night was better. Of course, that had been the calm before the storm, because it was that exact night that her quiet little dream shattered.

It didn't come as a surprise really, when he left her too.

And it was twilight again. When she wasn't quite sure if her sun would come back and she wasn't quite sure if he would leave and stay away.

It hurt less though; it always hurt less when it was expected.

It had, however, come as a surprise when both her sun and her moon came back. Both of them swearing they loved her. She embraced her moon with open arms and slowly pushed her sun away. Darkness had been all she had known and she missed the soft glow of a full moon so much she could cry.

But when the thrall of being loved again and the joy of reunion wore off, she hesitated. His soft whispers were the same as before. His "I love you"s the same. There was no detectable change and she felt the breath leave her as she realized the implications.

He was going to leave again.

Was she merely a toy he played with? Did he tire of her and leave only to crave amusement and return? Was his love merely a façade he hid his true intentions behind?

Bella Swan was a nobody.

And she'd always be.

But it came to her as an epiphany one day. Because maybe Bella Swan wouldn't ever be anybody but Bella Cullen could.

So she pretended and loved him behind a curtain of fear. She felt the everlasting ache inside her heart that had never faded. Instead, it was a constant reminder of her worries. It made her second guess his intentions. It made her fear. The paralyzing fear that he didn't want her coursed through her veins with each breath she took. It made her weak with pain at times and cripple and helpless and lonely and dead.

So she hid behind her own façade. She pretended to be comforted. Pretended to forgive and forget and love him like she always had. And she pushed away her sun and felt her moon gravitate towards her with a graceful beauty only he could pull off.

And even now, when she was perfection beyond imagination, even now when she finally felt she was on the same page as her beautiful moon she felt that fear. Because what if she still wasn't good enough? What if he left her again to be with Tanya, who was a vampire longer and was more beautiful than she could ever be? Tanya who loved him. Tanya who was such a better choice for him, without her petty flaws or her emptiness inside. What if he saw through her act and decided that he never wanted her in the first place? That she truly was just a toy?

Even worse was the nagging thought that he wanted her because she was a human. The crushing thought that he loved her because she was different. Now that she was the same as him, all cold and pale and monstrous and dead, maybe he didn't want her anymore. He had been so vehement in the fact that she remained human. He had seemed genuine when she was human.

Her chocolate brown eyes were forever gone. He had always said he loved her eyes. And now they were gone and replaced with his own liquid topaz. His own honey gold.

Maybe as a cold and beautiful goddess, she wasn't good enough in her perfection.

She shivers now, even though she'll not feel cold again. She shivers even though she'll never feel the warm rays of the sun and has nothing to compare to her constant numbness.

She's numb again, she realizes. There's no love in her true gaze anymore, only longing and the desire to be loved. There's no adoration in her heart, only desperation and fear. What once enthralled and dazzled her to no end now is the norm, a constant. She feels her eyes prickle and is hit with the realization that the tears would never fall, could never fall. There's no joy in her anymore, everything she loved and could love sapped away the moment he said those fatal words.

"I don't want you anymore."

She hears the words in her mind, every second, every minute, every day. Forever would they reverberate in her empty mind. She feels relief at the fact that he couldn't hear her mind. What would he think of her if he could see? He'd leave in a heartbeat (well, metaphorically, her heart would never beat again).

She closes her suddenly onyx eyes and shudders.

But she hears her family calling. And she quickly presses her mask to her face, concealing her turmoil that lies beneath the surface (rolling, rolling and forever clashing). When she checks her reflection, her eyes are soft amber. They look benign and happy and joyful. They look like everything she is not.

So she rises and turns to face her next day. And the next and the next. She's prepared to fight her way through forever; after all, it's what she's always wanted, right?

As she melts into the embrace of her lover, she smiles at her family and presses soft kisses to her daughter's forehead. Because they won't know. She wouldn't reveal the startling emptiness inside her soul.

She longs for the times when she was naïve and young and still believed in humanity. But that's far away and could never be obtained again. So she lies and tricks and deceives her oblivious lover. And she holds out a cheery mask for the world to see.

She's always changing, shifting, trying to find a way for everyone to love her. If there's something off about her, she makes sure to hide it, conceal it until it's not there and show a side that everyone can love. Will love. She makes sure every day that the desperation doesn't leak out of her eyes and turn them black with fear.

Still, she feels pity for the unsuspecting moon that encircles her. Always so close, yet so far away from her true self. But she doesn't regret her decisions on how to face life, she can't. Otherwise everything would be even more meaningless than it is now.

She doesn't quite feel the numbness now, and that in itself is a relief.

Idly, she wonders what it was like for Edward to love her.

She wonders what it was like for him to be loving a lie.

OOooOOooOOooOOoo

So? How was it? Terrible? Brilliant? Creepy? I'd love it if you popped by and left me a little review. :D

Hopefully, my little dip into the Twilight fandom doens't end in disaster like the last time. (I'm still cringing at those terrible stories). Who knows, I might get inspired and write some more.

Ciao~ Ale