a/n: I wrote this in 2005 after I beat the game for the first time. It just felt right. Then it disappeared until I finally found it tonight. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Summary: Light side female Revan. Carth comes to terms with the discovery of Revan's true identity and what that means for the blossoming relationship he's not sure he is ready to let go of.

Legal: Nope, don't own any rights to Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic or any of the characters and names used in this story. I am merely doing this for my own amusement and hopefully that of others, with no intention of making any profit aside from constructive feedback, which is priceless.

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

Carth stared at Revan. He had been fighting the demons in his soul for so long that he'd almost forgotten what it felt like to love and be loved. He'd begun to believe that was what he had with their fearless leader. Before last night, he thought he'd found someone he could trust and share his life with, but boy was he wrong! Totally off the mark! She wasn't who he thought she was at all. His trust issues having been mostly dissolved when it came to her before they boarded that ship, this latest and most devastating news was absolutely crushing to his vulnerable heart. When Saul had told him, he hadn't believed it, but then Malak and Bastilla had confirmed it. He didn't know what to think. The woman he had trusted with his life more times than one was the greatest enemy of all he held true. She had sworn to him that she wasn't that person anymore, but he wasn't sure whether he could believe her or not. He felt betrayed and nothing she could say just then would make him feel any different. Let the others bend to her will freely, he was not going to just let himself be hurt again. She interrupted his thoughts by addressing him directly.

"So, how about you, Carth? Will you stand with me against Malak?" Revan asked after gaining the approval of the rest of the party. The look in her eyes told him that she had more sadness in her heart from learning of her past than she let on.

"Well, I guess I don't have a choice, but I will be watching you. I swore allegiance to the Republic, and I will protect them at all costs. Make no mistake about it," his words were harsh, calculating and uncaring, traced with latent feelings of hurt and anger that only Revan heard.

Their meeting broke up and Revan retreated to the confines of her quarters to be alone with her thoughts. After a few hours of unsuccessfully trying to meditate, she decided to try to talk to Carth. She found him in the hyperdrive room on the Ebon Hawk and had to corner him to prevent him from leaving.

"Carth, we need to talk."

"What do you need?"

"We need to talk about me being Revan," her tone held no trace of any evil intention, but he still couldn't get past the thought that she was Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith. He didn't see how she could have been changed so completely that her old self wouldn't come through, but he figured it couldn't hurt to hear what she had to say.

"Ok. If you are ready to talk, let's talk," he had calmed down considerably since he had found out about her, but he still hadn't dealt with his pain. He needed more time to come to peace with everything.

"I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about me finishing our mission. I am not who I once was. I don't even remember that time. I won't betray you, Carth."

"I'm just not sure…Revan. It's so much to deal with all at once."

"And?"

"And I just don't know if I can trust you anymore. I mean, I know it wasn't your fault that the Jedi Council kept your past from you in hopes that you would help them find the Star Forge. I know they used you, but…but…it doesn't change who you ar…were. You have been so generous to everyone since we met. I wish I could believe that you will never go back, but I…you…you're not the same to me anymore…" his voice trailed off.

"Carth, I know there is nothing I can say to you to prove that I am not going to fall again, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry," she said softly through the lump in her throat, "I feel like I have caused you so much pain in the past and right now." Her shoulders sagged, "I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I betrayed my Jedi masters. I caused the deaths of countless thousands. It absolutely kills me inside to know that because of me, you lost your family." She let out a sigh and sunk to the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

Carth didn't know whether to yell or cry. He wasn't ready to let go of his anger yet. "I will try to forgive you in time…but you have to let me deal with these demons on my own," he said with a very unsure tone in his voice. He turned and retreated from the room, walking toward the cargo hold to see if Davik left any Tarisean ale behind.

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

Korriban was a very inhospitable world, with Sith in every corner. Carth kept a close watch on Revan to see if being back with her old people would spark her dark side. She resisted at every turn, trying her best to hide her former identity. When it came to entering the Sith Academy, however, his doubts resurfaced full force.

Revan had told Yuthura that Carth and Jolee were her slaves, but never mentioned that she was Revan. Carth doubted that anyone would believe her anyway. They had entered the Sith Academy, she claimed, to gain access to the fifth and final Star Map, but what they found was much more important. Dustil was there, in training, to become a Sith. Carth tried to convince him that he needed to leave because the Sith were evil, but Dustil wouldn't listen. Revan found the proof that Dustil needed to convince him to turn from the Dark Side.

"No, I can't leave. I have to help my friends learn the truth. Maybe I can help them escape too," Dustil reminded Revan of Carth in many ways. He was stubborn to a fault and when he believed in a cause, nothing came before it on his list of priorities. She hoped she would be allowed to get to know him better in the future.

"I suppose there's no talking you out of this, huh? Sounds familiar," Carth said, his voice carried almost none of the pain it had before.

"Guess so. When this is all over, I will meet you on Telos. We can start to talk about how things will be in the future."

"You got yourself a deal," Carth sounded very hopeful. Dustil nodded to Revan and ran off to spread the word about the evils of the Sith to his friends. Carth gave Revan a thankful glance before they got back to the task at hand.

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

"Hmm? Oh…I was just thinking about my wife. She would be very happy that I was able to reunite with Dustil, though whether he will be my son again remains to be seen. You know, you remind me of her in a way," Carth needed to forgive Revan. He wanted to. She wasn't the same person as she had been in her past life. She was Laia…his Laia. She was the woman whom he had pulled from the burning wreckage of their escape pod and nursed back to health. She was the one he had held through the nightmares for the two days she was unconscious on Taris. He'd never told her about that part. She had just looked so frail and he had felt an overwhelming need to protect her.

"What way is that?" she asked with such a gentle caring tone in her voice that it caused a lump to form in his throat.

"The way you interact with people. Your generosity, spirit, intelligence, and sense of humor. You also seem to like listening to me babble on and on about myself and my past. You have so much goodness in you. I have seen the way you help people without a thought as to what you have to give up or how much it costs you. But there is still something under it all that I can't quite put my finger on…it just scares me…I'm just…"

Revan was listening to every word he said, until her mind started to speak louder, saying things she wasn't ready to say out loud. 'Come on, Carth. I need you to be strong. You are my rock, the one who keeps me steady. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. You are the reason I want to stop Malak and restore the rightful order in the galaxy…' She looked at him. He had stopped talking and was waiting for her to respond.

"I'm not perfect, Carth. I don't pretend to be. But I won't let you down, I promise." At that moment, she knew she needed to be alone. She was going to break down and she didn't want him to see it, so she turned on her heel and ran for her quarters. She needed to meditate and calm her emotions before they took control of her. She sat on the ground and assumed her usual meditative position. Her breathing slowed as she became absorbed in the ebb and flow of the energy that surrounds everything. She rose above the energy, above the violent ocean of her emotions and separated herself from it all.

She meditated for hours, staying in her silent reverie until Mission came into their shared quarters, "Revan?"

Revan winced. She wanted to be left alone, but that never seemed to happen for long on that ship. She spoke with a practiced civility, "Mission."

"Yes?" Mission sounded confused.

"Mission, you came in here. What do you need?" Revan's patience was wearing thin.

"Oh. We were all going to go down to the cantina here to try and have some fun! Do you want to come?" She was such a child, but so grown up at the same time.

"No thank you."

"But, Revan, you can't stay locked away in here forever."

"Mission…I said no thank you. Please leave me alone." Revan had tried to remain calm until this point, but interruptions to her meditation were most unwelcome. How many hints did one person need? She saw the hurt look on the younger girl's face when she'd run from the room, but it couldn't be helped. Let the others have their fun. She was in no mood for company.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

Revan sat heavily on her cot. She was still dealing with the pain of knowing about all of the lives that had been taken by her hand. The news of her past life had hit her harder than anyone else. She felt like she had to prove herself all over again. She wanted to take everything back and make the universe right again. She wanted to bring all of those people back to life, return them to their grieving families, and apologize for all of the pain. Most of all, she wanted forgiveness from Carth, but she knew she had to forgive herself first. She knew the others were still out at the Cantina, so she didn't worry about speaking her thoughts out loud.

"Oh, Carth, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I have to live everyday knowing that my actions in the past caused you pain. I know Malak is actually the one that destroyed Telos, but if not for me, he may not have had the power. It's my fault your wife is dead and your son is estranged. I did all of that to you. Oh, but I would end my life right now if it would bring all of those people back, if it would bring your family back," she cried loudly to the bulkhead in front of her. "God, how can he ever forgive me? I don't deserve to be forgiven." As the sorrow enveloped her, she stood up from her cot. As if on auto pilot, she walked to the locker where the medical supplies were located. She took out a sedative hypodermic and retreated back to her cot. She sat back down, injected the sedatives into her leg, laid down and within seconds fell asleep. She found only the restless nightmares that she was plagued with, despite the drugs. The used syringe fell from her hand and hit the floor with a clank.

Carth had been leaning against the wall outside her quarters. He'd wanted to talk to her with no distractions, but when he'd approached, he had heard her talking to herself. He'd decided to leave her be and had been about to walk back to his quarters when he'd heard his name. He'd stopped and curiously listened to what she was saying. She had seemed very upset. He still couldn't believe what he had heard. She had sunk into a deep depression because of him. He'd leaned in the doorway, but she hadn't noticed. He'd watched as she had tried to numb the pain with sedatives and eventually passed out.

He approached her sleeping form cautiously, knowing that a Jedi is never truly as prone as most others are when sleeping. However, the sedatives had dulled her senses as well as her pain. He sat on the edge of her cot and studied the lines of her face. She was not sleeping well, thrashing around in another nightmare. He wanted to help her, to protect her. He put his hand on hers. She seemed to relax slightly at his touch. He decided at that moment to take a chance that could result in a lightsabre being held to his throat. He maneuvered himself so that he was spooned behind her on the cot. He wrapped his arm around her waist, resting his head on her pillow. She seemed to sink into him and she relaxed completely, as if the nightmare had subsided. He couldn't remember a time when she looked more peaceful in her sleep.

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

Revan awoke the next morning and noticed that Mission hadn't slept in her bunk. Revan felt more rested than she ever had. She assumed, briefly, that the sedatives had done the trick until she felt a weight across her midsection and something hot on her neck. She rolled over on her cot and was only half surprised to see a sleepy-eyed but awake Carth laying there behind her. They were face to face, almost touching noses. The hot feeling on her neck had been his breath. She discovered what the weight around her waist was when she tried to move slightly. Carth still had his arm around her and didn't seem like he wanted to let go.

"Hey, beautiful," his voice was gruff and deep because he had just woken up. The look on his face was split between surprise that she hadn't slapped him for being in her bed and the forgiveness that he had been wrestling with the day before. She realized in that moment that she had forgiven herself as well. The worry lines were all but gone from her face. She was, however, slightly confused as to why Carth had decided to take this bold step.

"Uh…hi?" She tried to sound confused but not angry. She had to admit that it was very intoxicating being so close to him. She was lost in the depths of his warm brown eyes. She felt like she could see into his soul, and felt the love radiating from him. Her curiosity got the better of her, however and she just had to ask softly, "Um, Carth…what are you doing in my bed?"

He let out a small laugh, "Oh…I guess I should explain that, huh?" He had a very boyish look on his face. He honestly hadn't thought about what this situation looked like until she'd asked.

"It's not a big deal. I'm just curious," her tone told him that she wasn't upset.

"I came back to the ship early last night. I wanted to talk to you with no one else around. So, I was in the hall when you were talking to yourself. I heard everything you said. Then I saw you try to overdose on sedatives," he spoke with such concern in his voice that it made her heart ache.

"I was trying to take the pain away." She sounded so vulnerable when she said it, tears threatened to start dribbling down her face. Carth's instinct to protect her kicked in and his arm tightened around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

"I know. After you lay down and dropped the syringe, you started having another nightmare almost immediately. I wanted to help you, so I took a chance. I guess it worked, because you calmed down and fell into a deep sleep. I was just going to stay until I thought you would be ok, but I guess I fell asleep," he had a slight smirk on his face. The implications of what he had said hit her like a ton of bricks. She had known for a while that she needed Carth. Now, she knew why. He was her peace, her center. He kept her strong and balanced.

"Thank you," she said after a few moments.

"For what?"

"For always being there when I need you. You are truly a great friend, Carth." He kissed her forehead and hugged her tightly for a moment before letting go and getting out of the cot.

"Come on, you have that final challenge today. Let's get that map and get the hell off of this God-forsaken world."

Revan faced the final challenge alone, despite several muffled protests from her 'slave' Carth. Carth was left alone to his thoughts. He reflected on the events of the past few days, being careful to steer clear of thinking too much about the previous night and morning after. He had decided during her moment of weakness with the sedatives that she wasn't the same person as the one who had started the war. He knew that if she had truly fallen back to the Dark Side, she wouldn't have cared one way or the other how he felt. It wouldn't have hit her so hard and made her behave that way. All of the feelings he had for her before the encounter on the Leviathan resurfaced with a new strength. He knew then that he not only wanted to protect her, he wanted to love her and keep her and possibly start a new life with her after the war was won. He was very concerned when she returned a long while later, all battered, bruised and bleeding.

"I have the Star Map," Revan was out of breath and sounded very weak. "Let's go. I don't want to be here anymore." They headed back to the Ebon Hawk and took off for the Star Forge System. En route, Revan told Carth about what happened in the temple. She told him about how she'd solved the energy puzzle, fought two rancors, walked over a frozen pool of acid, rescued a lost soul, and fought and killed the master of the Sith Academy.

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

They had made it to the system with no problems. When they'd gotten there, however, they had run into an energy field that had disrupted their ship's systems. They had crashed on an unknown world. This planet had never shown up on any star chart and the Jedi Council's library had no mention of it either. Carth knew this wasn't a trap when he'd seen the look of concerned confusion on her face. Carth guided the ship down to the landing as best he could without the stabilizers.

"Nice piloting, flyboy," she chimed after the bumpy decent and rough landing.

"Any landing you can walk away from is a good one, beautiful." He smiled at her warmly. "Come on, we should see if the others made it through my landing in one piece."

"Lead the way." They walked to the common room where T3 and Zaalbar usually preferred to travel. The rest of the team was in the room, waiting for their leader and Carth. They discussed the need to get the disruptor field down and repair the ship so they could leave the surface and get to the Star Forge. The meeting broke up with Revan issuing final orders to the crew, "Carth and Jolee, you're with me. We'll try to get that disruptor field down. The rest of you, scout around and see if you can find the parts we need to repair the hyperdrive and stabilizers from some of those other downed ships. Keep your communicators open."

Revan's group was ambushed by the Rakata shortly after leaving the Ebon Hawk. After the attack had stopped, Revan asked why they had attacked. She learned of another cowardly cloaked Mandalorian hunting group. They were taken to the Rakata settlement and offered the chance to get into the Temple if they agreed to kill all of the Elders. Revan never agreed but said she would see what she could do. 'Always the diplomatic, non-committal response,' Carth thought.

When they had arrived at the Elder settlement, they were not met with the same friendliness they had been at the Rakata camp. Revan had decided that she wanted to get out of this situation without killing anyone, so when the Elders offered to help her if she simply rescued their hostages, she agreed completely. Her plan did not work, however, because when they went back to the Rakata settlement, they were attacked for sympathizing with the Elders.

They reached the room with the hostages and had to fight off several Rakata and three Rancors before being able to rescue the one hostage that was still alive. The Elders were very grateful for the return of the hostage and agreed to help Revan, but only if she agreed to go into the temple alone as it said in their traditions. Carth protested, but Revan told him it would be all right. "Very well, I agree to enter the temple alone."

They left the Elder settlement to return to the ship before Revan went to the Temple by herself. Carth pulled her into the Hyperdrive room just before she was about to leave.

"Carth, I need to get go…" he interrupted her by covering her lips with his. The kiss was furious and passionate, but it ended very abruptly. Revan was breathless, but the warm pink flush on her face spoke more than words ever could. Carth was still standing very close to her, captivating her eyes with his own.

"Please be careful," was all he said before running off and leaving her to herself. Revan stood there for a few moments, just breathing and trying to calm herself down. She departed the ship alone and headed for the Temple.

A short while later, the rest of the party were all gathered in the common room sitting around in nervous silence. Jolee stood and announced that he was going to go after Revan. Juhani responded before Carth had a chance, "I'm coming as well. She needs help with this. We have both seen it in our vision."

"I promised to protect her. I should go," Carth interjected.

Jolee responded, "Carth, you would better serve this group by staying here and helping with the repairs. We will protect her. I promise." Jolee turned and grabbed Juhani by the arm and quickly left the ship before any more protests could be made. It took Canderous, Zaalbar, and HK-47 to hold Carth down and prevent him from going after them.

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

Carth had been sitting in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawk when the disruptor field was deactivated, allowing all of the instruments to power up. He was the first to know Revan had been successful. He left the cockpit and gathered the rest of the party to go wait on the beach for Revan's return. He had a feeling that what happened in the next moments was going to change his life forever.

"You're back! Thank God, are you all ok?" Carth tried to hide the relief on his face, but everyone saw it.

"We met Bastilla in the Temple," Jolee said somberly. He never looked happy, but he looked graver than ever at that moment.

"What happened? Where is she?" Carth could barely breathe because he was talking so fast. He wanted more than anything to take Revan off to the side away from the group and find out what happened from her alone. He knew that wasn't possible at that time, though.

"She has turned. She now serves Malak," Revan sounded a little sad when she said it. She looked at Carth, momentarily studying his face for a reaction. He returned her gaze and for one brief moment they were in their own little world.

"There's more," Juhani chimed in and the whole group turned to look at her. "Bastilla tried to turn Revan to the Dark Side again, but she wouldn't do it."

"Is that true, Revan?" Carth asked with more hope than disbelief in his voice.

"Yes, it is true. I have chosen the light."

The sheer elation that Carth felt flowed through him like a river of fire, burning off whatever cold feelings he still had about Revan that remained. His face flushed slightly and he smiled warmly at her, "I knew it! I knew there was nothing of the Dark Lord left in you. I'm glad you made the right choice." He was so happy he didn't think about the way his words would be taken.

"The right choice? I wasn't aware I was being tested," she sounded and looked hurt at Carth's revelation. 'Does he still not trust me? I thought we were past this,' she thought.

"No, no, no. Not tested so much as I was watching to see if you would stray from our cause. Oh God, I'm sorry…it's just that I have wanted to tell you something since well before we were captured on Saul's ship, and I didn't have the courage until now," he rambled, "The truth is, I love you, Revan, Laia…whatever your name is. I love you."

At that moment the world melted away and all that remained were Carth and Revan. "I love you too, Carth," she grinned at him. She ran to him and practically leapt into his arms, kissing him with a passionate explosion that rivaled the biggest super nova. They were lost in each other, floating through their fantasy until reality came knocking.

Canderous walked up and tapped Revan on the shoulder. "We should get going. That space station needs to be destroyed. Come on, you'll have plenty of time for more of that later," his gruff voice penetrated their bubble and they reluctantly pulled apart from each other and headed back into the ship.

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

Revan and her motley crew were heroes of the Republic. They had defeated Darth Malak and destroyed the Star Forge. After the celebration on the Rakatan planet, the Ebon Hawk had been moored in one of the larger Republic ships, much to Canderous' displeasure. Despite his dislike of the republic, however, he had decided to join the rest of the crew when they were offered larger and more luxurious quarters on the Republic ship.

Revan and Carth had chosen to remain quartered on their ship. Revan especially had wanted to stay out of the limelight. She also wanted to be able to spend time alone with Carth. They were sitting in the cockpit having a friendly conversation about nothing when Revan suddenly got quiet.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Carth asked warmly.

"Carth, promise me you will never leave me," she said very quietly.

He looked at her with disbelief in his eyes, "Of course, but why the sudden panic?"

"Promise me."

He stood up from his chair and knelt down next to hers, cradling her face in the palm of his hand. "I promise. Now, what's this all about?" She still had so much pain in her eyes. He knew she was going to need a lot of time to heal now that their mission was over and she could take the time.

"I just don't think I could make it out here on my own," she said. It was a made-up lame excuse and he didn't buy it. He knew she hadn't slept well since their mission had begun those almost four months ago. He had a feeling that she was just exhausted and not thinking clearly.

"Beautiful, you are a strong, intelligent woman. I haven't the slightest doubt in my mind that you would be just fine," he played along anyway.

"You're wrong, Carth." She looked serious. He got up out of his chair and came around in front of her.

"What do you mean?" his voice was soft and light.

"I mean…I…there's something I wanted to tell you," she took hold of both of his hands and looked up at him. "You know I had a choice, but I don't think it would have been as easy for me to choose the light if not for you. You are my peace. You keep me strong and centered. You make sure that I stay on the path I should be on. You said that I gave you something to live for after killing Saul once. Well, you gave me a reason, too. To be strong and resist the temptation of the dark side, because I knew that if I gave in, I would lose you forever." She had tears in the corners of her eyes when she finished.

Carth pulled her out of the co-pilot's chair and held her to him closely, "I love you so much lady."

"There aren't words to describe how much I love you, Carth." She brushed her lips across his, allowing the sparks to fly between them. He returned her kiss with a ferocious need to be closer to her. When their kiss broke, he scooped her up into his arms and kissed her again. He headed down the corridor to the crew quarters. They both wanted to take advantage of being alone on their ship. As Carth carried her, she had a thought, 'Jedi Council be damned, I'm not giving him up for them or anyone.'

End