To Where You Are

Disclaimer- You know the drill….I don't own the Saiyuki boys or any other characters…but I love them.

Author's note- This story takes place about 5 years after the journey west, and the characters have aged some. Just something to consider…Gojyo 27, Hakkai 27, Sanzo 28, Goku 23, Lirin (for my purposes here) 20.

Part 1: The Wrong Shade of Green

Gojyo

I've spent the past year roaming aimlessly through one town and on to the next with little purpose. Each of them seems as dead and pale as the last. No amount of alcohol and nicotine can stop the craving I have. No woman…or man can entice me to bed. It used to be that I could close my eyes and pretend that it was him in my bed, but I can't even do that anymore. The loneliness I feel is more than just a physical depravation. I miss him. I find my self staring at the bright green of the grass or the pale jade of the some tart's dress and wishing for one glimpse that unmistakable emerald of his eyes. But I know I'll never see that color again…and I only have my self to blame. It's all my fault.

Sanzo told me that there was nothing they could do. The Gods wouldn't help him like they did before, and what could mortals do? Damn, I hate feeling so helpless and I hate them for being so uncaring. We went on their little mission didn't we? At anytime, we could have quit, but we saw it through to the very end. And he smiled through it all. Why the hell can't they just give him this?

I run my fingers through my short hair and stare out the window again hoping that if I stare down the road long enough I'll be able to make myself move this time. I feel frozen here. There is something within me that won't allow me to do the one thing I have been longing to do for so long.

I wonder if Sanzo and Goku stayed with him? Sanzo always was a selfish bastard, but when Hakkai's involved things seem to change. It used to bother me sometimes, but Hakkai would just smile—when didn't he smile?—and say, "I chose to live my life with you, and I'm not going anywhere." Then, he'd wrap his arms around my neck and run his finders through my hair.

I grew my hair long again for Hakkai. Sanzo thinks I did it just to irritate him, but I did it because Hakkai said he loved the color. Hakkai managed to help me heal wounds inside me that I thought nothing could cure. He taught me what love was and for the first time it was more than sex. No one had ever shown me the kind of caring that Kai did. He was always gentle and sweet. Even touching the scar on his stomach and knowing how he fought, I saw him as more of a loving soul than a warrior. That's not to say I didn't respect his strength. Hakkai could finish off an army of youkai on his own, but would rather read a book or teach a class.

I love you, Hakkai. Damn, I wish I could have shown it. Instead I ran away. I'm sorry. There's only one way you'll know any of this—I'm coming, Hakkai.