If You'll Stay In My Past
Author's note: Ok, I've never ever written fanfiction or whatever kind of stories before, so if it's crap don't blame me. I'm also not a native English speaker so excuse me for mistakes.
All the crap that's going on with Katherine Heigl leaving Grey's Anatomy just makes me so so so so sad cause I'm the biggest (silent) Alex/Izzie shipper out there and I refuse to believe that this is where they end. I might write more after this, depends if I can get into the flow of writing. Maybe Alex's perspective? (if not for this story, then maybe for a different one )
-MsWeepingWillow
Inspired by this beautiful song by Maria Mena:
I understand
You delude yourself, and sleep with
A different girl
Each nigh,t in order to recover fast
And I'll let you cheapen sex
If you'll stay in my past.
I understand
That we can never speak again
And your resentment towards me
Will last
And I will let you forget me
If you'll stay in my past.
I understand
That you will one day love again
And that it's selfish of me to
want to ask
If you can only live off the
memory of me.
So please stay in my past.
''I know now that I'm good enough not to deserve this. Not to have to feel like this, not to love you so much that I almost hate you. I deserve someone who will stay. I'm happy you're okay and I'm happy about your job. And I want you to go, and be happy, and not come back..''
His words has been echoing through my head for the past two weeks constantly. Two weeks ago, I decided to go back to Seattle. I had cleared my head, I had felt good. I was ready to go back and apologize because I knew I wasn't right. I shouldn't just have left but it only seemed right in that moment. I was just so exhausted.
When the chief mentioned his name, that was just the last thing I needed. He had been my outlet and he had said something bad about me to the chief and then I got fired. That's all I knew and I thought I knew enough.
But two weeks ago I had gotten a good perspective and I saw that I was wrong. I knew I hurt him by leaving him with a note. A stupid note. I wasn't there for Thanksgiving; I wasn't there for Christmas, New Years Eve… I love the holidays and I'd been looking forward to them because these were supposed to be our first holidays together. But I left and that was my own fault.
But two weeks ago, I was whole and healed. I didn't need an expensive shrink, I just needed some time to grieve. To grieve the fact that I had cancer and almost lost my life to it, and that I lost my best friend and that I had lost my job. I had lost my fertility and I had lost my hair. I had lost a lot of things. But I had had time to grieve and I was doing better.
Things seemed to be going well in the beginning. Until he told me he'd choose surgery over love and until he told me he slept with someone. I get it, I really do. Sleeping with people is just his way. His way to get through the day. It's meaningless, it's just sex. It's a way to forget me just for a little while.
And then came his words, and bam, I had lost my husband.
I understand it. I understood his anger. And I understood that that anger will stay because I did something which is unforgivable. I know how much he loves me and my presence would just remind him every day of what the person he loves did to him. I don't know if I'd be able to deal with that either.
I also know that he's not going to think about me forever. He'll move on one day. He'll find someone who will stay and he will be happy one day again. It might take a while, but it will happen and he deserves it. But that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving him and it doesn't mean that it hurts less.
I just don't want him to forget me.