Everything's better with Velociraptors: Twilight

Disclaimer: THIS STORY IS A JOKE. I don't care if you love Twilight. I don't care if you hate Twilight. Seriously. I don't. Try to flame me and I'll just laugh at how much time you wasted, regardless of which side you're on. For those of you who hate Twilight, laugh at how accurate it is. For those of you who love it, grow a sense of humor, then laugh at how accurate it is. I pick on things I love all the time if they're ridiculous, learn to do the same. It's fun.

But since I'm sure you're wondering which I am, yes, I do think that Twilight is absolute shit. And that's all I'll say on that.

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There was once a young girl named Stephanie Mey--I mean, Mary-S--I mean, Isabella "Bella" Swan who was taking a walk through the woods. She was very ugly and clumsy, except not really. She was very depressed because her life was just as hard as every other middle-class white teenager's, and that was just unbearable.

Suddenly, the hot guy from school, Edward Cullen, showed up out of mother-fucking nowhere. Bella leaped backwards.

"Where did you come from?!" she breathed.

"I'm a vampire, so I can do sneaky things like that," he breathed.

"A VAMPIRE!? But, wait, it's the middle of the day..." she breathed.

"It's cloudy," he breathed back.

"You don't have fangs!" she exclaimed after breathing.

"Not all vampires have fangs and have to sleep during the day, you know!" he snapped, after which he breathed.

"Are you SPARKL--" she whispered, which is similar to breathing.

"No! Yes! Kind of. It's glitter paint," he muttered, ashamed. He then took a breath for dramatic emphasis.

"WHY?" she breathed.

"Because the refracting light confuses them! Now quickly, I'm here to save you because that's what vampires do," he explained, taking several breaths while speaking.

"I thought vampires drank people's blood and things like that, not save people," breathed Bella haughtily, placing her hands on her hips in the classic gesture of haughtiness.

"Yeah, 'cause your track record on knowing things about vampires is dead-on," breathed Edward as he rolled his eyes.

"What does 'refracting' mean? Do you use big words because you're a some-crazy-number years old vampire? Who for some reason still goes to high school?" Bella forgot to breathe for a moment as she tried to decipher the strange word.

"It means--wait, seriously, are you that stupid?" breathed Edward.

"I'm not stu--hold on, save me from what? Vampires who actually obey at least one of the rules about vampires and could cause me harm?" Bella breathed in sharply at the idea, which she also thought was a little hot because vampires are sexy.

"NO, I have to save you from--"

"RAWWWWRRR!" breathed the velociraptor.

Edward leapt towards Bella in an attempt to use his vampire skills to save her life, but by the time he moved it was already too late.

They were both eaten by velociraptors.

The End